Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?

[magsel]

I share a daughter with my ex wife. She lives with her mum about half the time. My ex also has a stepdaughter through her husband. The stepdaughter and my daughter do not get along.

Around a month ago the stepdaughter lost her Nintendo switch. She has blamed my daughter for stealing it to get back at her for calling her names. My ex has since searched all over her house and through our daughters things for to switch and has been unable to find it. She is now convinced that our daughter has hidden the switch in her bedroom at my house.

I am unconvinced because my daughter is a really bad liar. She has a lot of tells and breaks down very easily when caught lying. When I asked her about the switch she was very insistant that she does not know what happened to it. I did not see or hear any indication she was lying. So unless my 11 old daughter magically became the best actress in the world within the past couple days I sincerely doubt she stole the switch.

Still my ex is insisting that I let her search through our daughters room at my house or search the room myself. I however find that to be a massive invasion of privacy. I tend to think about it from the point of view of when I was a kid. I would have felt violating to have my things searched through. It’s not even like I hid anything suspicious or wrong I just wouldn’t have wanted my stuff rifled through. Based upon how upset my daughter was after her mom did it at her house I imagine she feels the same. I am of the personal opinion that it is only okay to go through my child’s things if I have reason to believe they could be doing something dangerous or if I have proof beyond shadow of a doubt that they did something wrong. Her stepsister simply saying she stole the switch is not enough proof in my opinion.

Things escalated from there and my ex then gave our daughters switch to her stepsister until hers showed back up. A few days later when I went to pick my daughter up she grabbed the switch and quickly got in my car (I didn’t know about this as she had it in her backpack). When I got home my ex called because they found out my daughter had taken her switch. My ex was irate and demanded I bring it back. After thinking about it I refused to because again she had nothing other than her stepdaughter word as “proof”. Therefore I found her punishment unwarranted. Since I was the one who paid for our daughters switch I saw no reason for my ex to demand it be given to her stepdaughter.

After that my ex started taking away our daughters allowance. We normally take turns giving her her allowance every other week. My ex decided that she would be taking away our daughter allowance on her weeks and giving it to her stepdaughter until she had enough to buy a new one. So in return I decided to give my daughter her double her allowance on my weeks.

My ex now says I am undermining her parenting by making decisions without her, but she is also making decisions without me and I think her punishment is unjust. Especially when her stepdaughter did not receive any punishment for teasing our daughter. Obviously things have gotten out of hand, but I’m not sure what else to do because my ex is absolutely convinced our daughter took the switch and is refusing to budge or talk about it. It’s quite odd because normally we coparent very well and rarely have any issue.

How? When she us with her mother it's her mother's decision to make.

Please don’t go through your daughters room without telling her. You know perfectly well that if you tell your ex that you have looked for it and it isn’t there, she will tell your daughter than you looked.
Even if your daughter DID take it, there is no way in hell that it’s still in her bedroom anyway.

I think you are right to stick up for your DD. I would speak with DD again and say you and she will search her room together to get her Mum off her back. It must be horrible for your DD to not be believed, so I really hope she is telling the truth and hasnt backed herself into a corner after acting rashly.

Assuming she is telling the truth, I would keep an eye on the dyanmic at mums house just in case she is becoming a bit of scapegoat

I think you are doing a good thing defending your daughter and respecting her privacy but maybe there's a compromise. Rather than you "searching" her room could you have a conversation with her, explain you believe her but that perhaps there's a way to prove it to her mum and then suggest you have a quick look through her room with her in order to get her mum and step-sister off her back.

Its good to hear that your daughter has someone on her 'side'. With regards to the searching of the room, I agree with PP that you shouldn't do it without telling your daughter. Could you do it with her in the room? That way, you are not breaking any trust but still satisfying your (slightly crazy sounding - sorry!) ex which may take some pressure off your daughter.

She's still very young. I think searching her room is warranted. What if she was accused of stealing something by the police would you not check? Just ask for to do it with you. If she has got the switch she now thinks she can hide other things in her room without being found. If there isn't a switch she'll be okay to search with you. If there is a switch her response may mean you don't have to search at all, if she's a bad liar as you mention.

It’s up to the mother to fix her relationship with her daughter NOT OP. She believes SD over her own child this can cause irreparable damage in the relationship.
The new living arrangements at mothers house don’t seem to be working. The girls sharing a room is a recipe for disaster.

I agree that at 11 if she doesnt want you to search her room if you frame it as doing it to help her prove she telling the truth then you may have your answer. Its not like she will be worried about you finding 20 B&H or a bottle of vodka at that age

Just search her room OP, when your DD isn’t there, no need to let your ex do it.

It sounds like your dd hasn’t taken it, if she had I’d have thought she’d have realised it was wrong by now and put it back on the sly.

What’s worrying me is the new situation you ex has brought your DD into. I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to share a room. Your parent remarrying and bringing another child into the mix is a big deal, they will need time to adjust and their own space.

It wouldn't bother me so much if my daughter was okay with me searching her room. I'll ask tomorrow

That sounds sensible, though if she refuses you'll be back with wondering why

As said, "often" lying isn't a good route to go down and tends to forfeit some of the expectations the liar may otherwise have. Right now both you and ex are stuck with each believing one of them, but it would probably be better to deal with the underlying issue rather than firefighting

I've an 11 year old and I would've searched her room already as I couldn't be annoyed with the drama. I also think 11 is quite young and different to 15/16. Preferably I'd do it with dc. I know that my own dc would want to clear her name so would want to search the room too- she would also be very upset if she was accused of something that she didn't do.

One of the things that damaged my relationship with my mother was her going through my room and belongings when I wasn't home. It damaged my trust in her and made me not feel safe in my own bedroom, and it led to all kinds of unhealthy habits from me to find privacy and safety in other places.

I would tell her that while you believe her, that going through her room together might help the situation. I would talk it through with her and then depending on her response, make your own decision.

If you are convinced she isn't lying why not just look?

Tell DD that you believe she didn't take it, her mum is asking you to look so just look and go back and say you have and it's not there.

I actually think by not looking you are making the situation worse as all this switch being taken, allowance deducted could be stopped if you look and it's not there.

I'm all for having your kids back, but kids lie, and they did themselves holes they can't get out of.

I think YABU, just look and out it to bed

@magsel I agree with you. You should not search your DD’s room without her consent.

I think a co-parenting discussion about this is overdue. You and ex-W need to discuss between the two of you the basis for her belief that your DD has stolen and what is an appropriate response. But violating her only safe space should not be an option.

I am surprised you haven’t had clarity on why your ex-W believes the accusation is true. Because this is affecting your DD’s emotional state, it is your business how she is parented in this situation. You need to understand what ‘evidence’ your ex-W has. But much more importantly, you both need to discuss IF your DD has stolen from her SS why this might have happened: what is wrong with their relationship and how it can be fixed. You definitely need to get to the bottom of the name calling (aka bullying) and get reassurance that this will be dealt with.

And if your ex-W cannot prove your DD has stolen from her SS, you need to agree how she will step away from this punishment spiral.

whatever your DD has done, your joint focus should be on ensuring she feels safe and welcome in her home with her mum.

Although I don’t agree with your ex action I would just have a look in my daughters room and put an end to it? I understand your moral principles on this, however this really is the simplest way to resolve the dispute and when it’s not there your daughter needs a massive apology from them both……

OP I don't like what I'm hearing - you buy your DD a Switch, then without proof your ex allows her stepdad to take it from her to give to her step sister who she doesn't get on with, after accusing her of being a thief, then cuts her allowance.

Obviously I'm only seeing a small bit of the situation but I wouldn't want your DD becoming the black sheep in that household. Its not fair. Your ex seems to be allowing massive favouritism of her step sister which is obviously horrible. If that's what's happening is there anyway your DD could spend more time at your home and not her mum's?

This - I'd have a conversation about putting an end to it all with DD - gauge reaction and do search with her there.

I do get not wanting to search their rooms - I don't with my kids because I grew up with a lack of privacy. But at 11 they knew I'd check their phones and even now they are older I reserve the right to do so if needed - which it hasn't been - but would do it with them there.

I would also have a conversation with ex about DD being unhappy with new arrangements and broach her stopping with you till things calm down or having more time at your house if possible more generally.

Don't search her room . Sit her down and explan no holes barred the situation . Tell her you 100% believe her , she'll need to hear it
I think you'll have to admit you were wrong to double her allowance, That's undermining her mother and one for her to explain , it's mean but not your battle
Your ExW should have sorted this out there and then , I wonder if she's scared to rock the new boat ?

Massive comprehension fail 🙄

I wouldn't have doubled the allowance either but I would have been asking a lot of questions about the situation and DD unhappiness and why step-DD being believed over DD.

What she plans to do to stop the teasing/bulling your DD is getting from new step DD and why she's giving item you've bought to your DD for her use to her step child and else is being re-distributed like this.

I would do exactly what you've done if I'm honest. I wonder if your ex is being pressurised by SDs father. I think it's always worth showing your kids that you will fight for them. If, in the future, it turns out that you were wrong, it's no big deal-you did what you thought was in the best interests of your daughter at the time.

Don't search her room. That breaks her trust. It's just another form of lying - in a different way. It's saying "I don't trust you".

This girl needs massive amounts of reassurance from both you and her DM.

Tell her if she's stolen it, you wouldn't judge her and you would know it's a cry for help because she's unhappy with her parents having split up and having to share a room with her SS.

Can you imagine how shit it has been for her with all these changes in the last few years.

As a child of divorce it's heart-breaking to watch your parents split up.

For all we know, the SS has deliberately hidden the Gameboy herself and is devious.

Or it could be your DD.

But more than anything your DD needs to know she's loved and accepted and cared for.

Also, she shouldn't be lying. Again, lying is abusing trust. Trust is the foundation of all good human relationships.

My kids don't lie to me. I don't lie to them. I hold trust and truth very close to my heart because without it, no one knows where they stand and the bottom can fall out of everything fast.

You can find hold back judgement and be the bigger person and suspend the need to punish if this is cry for help. To me it sounds like it might be - from both sides. The kids don't get on and it's your ex who needs to sort the situation out. It happened on her watch.

It sounds like one is playing the other off. If the SS lives with your ex full time you can see how your DD arriving intermittently creates a see-saw effect.

Your ex needs to nip this in the bud early on because these kids are sisters, not enemies.

Very sad.

Oh and my step-sister stole from me, took the money in my piggy bank when I wasn't there. Cry for help. Nothing to do with me, I was just an easy target. She was very overweight and lacking in self-esteem.

Divorce does that to a kid. Get some counselling fast.

I’d have a look if I were you. Whether you get on with the ex or not, you should be working as a team. Unfortunately a lot of kids go through a stage of having sticky fingers. Better to know now if that’s the case.

This is such a difficult situation. It will probably be virtually impossible to work out who is telling the truth. Even if you search dd's room it isn't definitive proof that she didn't take it and chuck it in a bin somewhere, for example. That said I would be doing a few things

1. I would be searching dd's room. I wouldn't do it covertly. I would let her know it's necessary as this is such a huge allegation. It will go some way to proving your dd's innocence and like pp have said her reaction to this request should tell you a lot

2. I would be explaining to both girls that either stealing or framing for stealing is absolutely unacceptable and that consequences will be severe if there ever is definitive proof who the guilty party is.

3. Since the above can't actually be established tbh I'd probably just replace the switch this once but make clear that things need to change

4. If I was her mum I'd be calling a family meeting and acknowledge that expecting 2 unrelated teenagers who openly don't like each other to share their personal space when they were used to their own space just to satisfy my own need for a new relationship is actually pretty damned selfish and apologise for this

5. I'd agree with them a way to establish this personal space. Even small rooms can be divided in a way that each child gets their own space. I'd be getting each girl to agree that they're only allowed in the other's space if invited. I'd also be giving them each a lockable box to store valuables. As her dad I think you could maybe offer to help make this change for the sake of your daughter but this will depend on how friendly you are with your ex and her new family

6. In addition to the above although you're acknowledging the girl's frustration I'd be insisting that they agree to be respectful to each other and any disrespect of each other/each other's property will have consequences.

I realise that as her dad a lot of this is out of her control but probably the most adult and nurturing thing to do is to just be there for your dd and try and explain to your ex things from her and her stepsister's POV tbh. I think it is pretty f'ing ridiculous of mum to confiscate the switch tbh unless she has pretty good reason to believe that your daughter did steal sd's. It doesn't sound like her mum does have this proof by a longshot so she really needs to tread carefully as if dd is being wrongly accused then that's something which will stick with her forever and might truly send her off the rails and resent her ss even more.

In a nutshell I think you maybe all need to take the focus a bit off the missing switch for now and focus on what's actually making these 2 children act out. Clearly whatever exactly has happened neither is at all happy. I hope yku can reach a solution x

I would definitely check your child's room in this situation. It doesn't need to be secret, I'd just say to her 'Mum has asked me to double-check your room for X's Switch. I'm not saying I think it's in there but I'm going to have a quick look, OK?'

But double-check with your ex beforehand that if you do look for it and find nothing that the matter is at an end.