AIBU?
Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?
magsel · 06/09/2022 19:09
I share a daughter with my ex wife. She lives with her mum about half the time. My ex also has a stepdaughter through her husband. The stepdaughter and my daughter do not get along.
Around a month ago the stepdaughter lost her Nintendo switch. She has blamed my daughter for stealing it to get back at her for calling her names. My ex has since searched all over her house and through our daughters things for to switch and has been unable to find it. She is now convinced that our daughter has hidden the switch in her bedroom at my house.
I am unconvinced because my daughter is a really bad liar. She has a lot of tells and breaks down very easily when caught lying. When I asked her about the switch she was very insistant that she does not know what happened to it. I did not see or hear any indication she was lying. So unless my 11 old daughter magically became the best actress in the world within the past couple days I sincerely doubt she stole the switch.
Still my ex is insisting that I let her search through our daughters room at my house or search the room myself. I however find that to be a massive invasion of privacy. I tend to think about it from the point of view of when I was a kid. I would have felt violating to have my things searched through. It’s not even like I hid anything suspicious or wrong I just wouldn’t have wanted my stuff rifled through. Based upon how upset my daughter was after her mom did it at her house I imagine she feels the same. I am of the personal opinion that it is only okay to go through my child’s things if I have reason to believe they could be doing something dangerous or if I have proof beyond shadow of a doubt that they did something wrong. Her stepsister simply saying she stole the switch is not enough proof in my opinion.
Things escalated from there and my ex then gave our daughters switch to her stepsister until hers showed back up. A few days later when I went to pick my daughter up she grabbed the switch and quickly got in my car (I didn’t know about this as she had it in her backpack). When I got home my ex called because they found out my daughter had taken her switch. My ex was irate and demanded I bring it back. After thinking about it I refused to because again she had nothing other than her stepdaughter word as “proof”. Therefore I found her punishment unwarranted. Since I was the one who paid for our daughters switch I saw no reason for my ex to demand it be given to her stepdaughter.
After that my ex started taking away our daughters allowance. We normally take turns giving her her allowance every other week. My ex decided that she would be taking away our daughter allowance on her weeks and giving it to her stepdaughter until she had enough to buy a new one. So in return I decided to give my daughter her double her allowance on my weeks.
My ex now says I am undermining her parenting by making decisions without her, but she is also making decisions without me and I think her punishment is unjust. Especially when her stepdaughter did not receive any punishment for teasing our daughter. Obviously things have gotten out of hand, but I’m not sure what else to do because my ex is absolutely convinced our daughter took the switch and is refusing to budge or talk about it. It’s quite odd because normally we coparent very well and rarely have any issue.
Nyna · 06/09/2022 22:19
I think that if your daughter had the other switch hidden in your place she wouldn’t have risked her mom being upset by taking the Switch to your house. Can’t they check if someone accessed the account on the Switch since its dissapearance, by the way?
It’s nice that you stick by your daughter. She must be feeling really bad about the constant questioning and repeated punishments (first this, then that….).
MozzarellaMonster · 06/09/2022 22:27
Well makes no sense she'd take her own switch back if she had a spare one at your house before going to your house.
If there's no proof she's taken it there should be no punishment.
Different if she was found red handed but no one being able to find something doesn't make her guilty of taking it.
I wouldn't punish my children if I hadn't actually witnessed / could prove beyond a doubt what had happened.
If it's discovered she has taken it different story but until then something is lost and your ex is being utterly unreasonable.
Soontobe60 · 06/09/2022 22:35
MozzarellaMonster · 06/09/2022 22:27
Well makes no sense she'd take her own switch back if she had a spare one at your house before going to your house.
If there's no proof she's taken it there should be no punishment.
Different if she was found red handed but no one being able to find something doesn't make her guilty of taking it.
I wouldn't punish my children if I hadn't actually witnessed / could prove beyond a doubt what had happened.
If it's discovered she has taken it different story but until then something is lost and your ex is being utterly unreasonable.
Surely the only way to prove it beyond doubt is for her things to be searched?
JustLyra · 06/09/2022 22:50
magsel · 06/09/2022 22:42
@Soontobe60 I'm not saying my daughter never lies. She often does. Even since this incident she's lied to me about things.
She often lies?
Why would you not search her room to put an end to this one way or the other?
Your DD either needs help with her lies about the switch or with her mother’s insistence that she’s a thief.
ShaneTwane · 06/09/2022 22:51
Your ex sounds like a mad woman. Poor DD. If we treated this in a court of law the evidence we have is: step sisters word.
What evidence that we dont have is: proof of theft, or a switch showing up in her bedroom or anywhere.
How longs this going on for? How long will this treatment of DD last? Losing her allowance, having her room searched, having her mother accuse her of being a liar and a thief over a period of days? Weeks? The kid is 11. This isnt on.
saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/09/2022 22:54
Ok… here’s the compromise.
- Ask your daughter if you can both go through her room.
- Ask your ex what proof she has besides the word of the SD- Did they search her rooms (at both houses)
- I would not give double allowance. That is undermining the Ex’s parenting and will bite you later
- Talk the Ex- to come up with a joint solution. At some point you are going to be punishing your daughter for something that you will want the ex to reinforce.
- Your DD’s switch stays at your house.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/09/2022 22:55
I'm not saying my daughter never lies. She often does. Even since this incident she's lied to me about things
Presumably your ex knows this too (?) and if so it's perhaps not so very unreasonable for her doubt DD's word
As PPs have said have a look through her room when she's out, and if she finds out and gets angry, explain that her frequent lies meant you had little choice
magsel · 06/09/2022 23:04
@JustLyra it's just lies about silly things. Like saying she finished her chores when she didn't. That doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me.
Aside from the reasons I gave. I'm more of innocent until proven guilty and searching her room feel much more the opposite. I wouldn't think it okay either for the police to search someones home just on the word of someone else either. To me it just seems so absolutely morally wrong in this case.
ThreeLocusts · 06/09/2022 23:08
OP what is the role of your ex-wife's new partner in this? Any chance he is pressuring her to be strict on your DD?
Speculating obviously as it seems bizarre to me that your DD's mum would take sides against her to this extent, with nothing but her SD's word as 'proof'.
Whatever compromise you find, do stick up for DD but also try to have a broader, calm conversation with your ex, to work out where on earth she is coming from with this.
growinggreyer · 06/09/2022 23:12
Send this link to your ex -although you can't track the device she can take a few steps. Eg it gives advice on looking at the switch's online account to see the IP address where it has been used and it can be deactivated if it has actually been stolen.
spacehop.com/how-to-find-a-lost-nintendo-switch/
SeasonFinale · 06/09/2022 23:13
Antarcticant · 06/09/2022 19:43
Because her mum had effectively confiscated it and wouldn't have let her take it out of the house.
I'd be making sure all her valuables are kept at your house for the present, OP.
Angelinflipflops · 06/09/2022 19:40
Why would she have so 'stealthily' taken her own switch back if she had the other one?
You missed the point. If the Dd already had SD's one at Dad's she doesn't need her own one there
Suprima · 06/09/2022 23:24
Omg what a load of drama over nothing
search her room discretely to get the ex off your back. Then you can say with confidence it’s not there
sounds like you just like having some bizarre moral high ground over your ex for not invading her ‘privacy’. What do you think you are going to find?
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