Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?

[magsel]

I share a daughter with my ex wife. She lives with her mum about half the time. My ex also has a stepdaughter through her husband. The stepdaughter and my daughter do not get along.

Around a month ago the stepdaughter lost her Nintendo switch. She has blamed my daughter for stealing it to get back at her for calling her names. My ex has since searched all over her house and through our daughters things for to switch and has been unable to find it. She is now convinced that our daughter has hidden the switch in her bedroom at my house.

I am unconvinced because my daughter is a really bad liar. She has a lot of tells and breaks down very easily when caught lying. When I asked her about the switch she was very insistant that she does not know what happened to it. I did not see or hear any indication she was lying. So unless my 11 old daughter magically became the best actress in the world within the past couple days I sincerely doubt she stole the switch.

Still my ex is insisting that I let her search through our daughters room at my house or search the room myself. I however find that to be a massive invasion of privacy. I tend to think about it from the point of view of when I was a kid. I would have felt violating to have my things searched through. It’s not even like I hid anything suspicious or wrong I just wouldn’t have wanted my stuff rifled through. Based upon how upset my daughter was after her mom did it at her house I imagine she feels the same. I am of the personal opinion that it is only okay to go through my child’s things if I have reason to believe they could be doing something dangerous or if I have proof beyond shadow of a doubt that they did something wrong. Her stepsister simply saying she stole the switch is not enough proof in my opinion.

Things escalated from there and my ex then gave our daughters switch to her stepsister until hers showed back up. A few days later when I went to pick my daughter up she grabbed the switch and quickly got in my car (I didn’t know about this as she had it in her backpack). When I got home my ex called because they found out my daughter had taken her switch. My ex was irate and demanded I bring it back. After thinking about it I refused to because again she had nothing other than her stepdaughter word as “proof”. Therefore I found her punishment unwarranted. Since I was the one who paid for our daughters switch I saw no reason for my ex to demand it be given to her stepdaughter.

After that my ex started taking away our daughters allowance. We normally take turns giving her her allowance every other week. My ex decided that she would be taking away our daughter allowance on her weeks and giving it to her stepdaughter until she had enough to buy a new one. So in return I decided to give my daughter her double her allowance on my weeks.

My ex now says I am undermining her parenting by making decisions without her, but she is also making decisions without me and I think her punishment is unjust. Especially when her stepdaughter did not receive any punishment for teasing our daughter. Obviously things have gotten out of hand, but I’m not sure what else to do because my ex is absolutely convinced our daughter took the switch and is refusing to budge or talk about it. It’s quite odd because normally we coparent very well and rarely have any issue.

[Openmouthinsertfood]

Sorry, not so good with the advice, but just wanted to say good for you for sticking up for your daughter! She needs you on her side right now, and it sounds like she's got that. Top notch parenting there! (She will thank you for this for years to come.)

[PrinceOfPegging]

Can you search your house discretely when your daughter is not there?

whilst having unwavering trust in your daughter is admirable, there is a chance she took it. The fact she got her own switch back shows a stealthy ability.

[BlackeyedSusan]

You paid for the switch. do what you like with it. keep it at your house

Bet the other one has been broken or sold or swapped by step daughter. How old is she? (Older or younger?)

[phishy]

Yes, I agree, well done for sticking up for your dd.

Who gets child benefit for dd? Might be time to claim that if ex gets it.

[Angelinflipflops]

Why would she have so 'stealthily' taken her own switch back if she had the other one?

[ihateaparade]

I find it really weird that your ex is drilling down on this so hard. It feels really punitive and strange that she's going out of her way to take her SD's side over her own daughter. Does the SD ever go anywhere else besides her Father's home with the Switch? Because if she does, then those other places need to be investigated just as thoroughly. I think you've done the right thing in standing up for your DD - especially because her own mother is so clearly not on her side. Just curious, what are the dynamics like in the other house?

[Imissmoominmama]

Do they think she’s hidden it out of spite?

How old is the SD?

[Antarcticant]

@Angelinflipflops

Why would she have so 'stealthily' taken her own switch back if she had the other one?

Because her mum had effectively confiscated it and wouldn't have let her take it out of the house.

I'd be making sure all her valuables are kept at your house for the present, OP.

[EllieRosesMammy]

While I don't agree with the way your ex is behaving at all, would it not be easier to just search your daughters room and put an end to it all? Then you can atleast say you've looked and it's not there :)

[Sunnyqueen]

Your ex sounds a right piece of work. Why would your daughter steal the step daughters switch if she has her own? Just for getting back at her calling her names nah I don't buy that.
And no way should ex come search your house! You do a search, tell her you've looked and it's not there and that will have to do. As for the pocket money I'd be very tempted to just give her twice the amount when it's your turn and let ex know that's what your doing. Now that is obviously directly undermining her but way I see one it's showing her what undermining actually is and two don't be a nasty cow to your own daughter and there will be no need for it?!

[User135792468]

Have you managed to find out from your ex why she is so convinced your dd took it? If you said you have coparented well until now, this sounds out of character for her. There must be a reason your ex thinks the way she does. Her reaction is now very extreme due to her frustration with your lack of support (which I do understand). Try and pinpoint why she is so convinced- it can’t just be because the stepdaughter said so.

In your shoes, I would have a look round the house when your dd isn’t there. Then, you can calmly talk to your ex and explain that you’ve looked (please don’t lie and say you’ve done it if you haven’t) and that it isn’t there. Giving your dd double pocket money, whilst I understand is tempting, may generate more problems in the future.

it is very good that your dd sees that you have her back, however, the way you are both handling the situation will mean that your daughter will play you off against each other. She will think that you will always be able to rely on you to have her back regardless of whether she is right or wrong and your ex will lose trust in you as a co parent and may not have your back who you need her to. Both things are unhealthy and not the right thing for a teenager (even if she isn’t one yet) who will undoubtably push boundaries.

The three of you need to sit down and resolve this issue together as a family. You both decided to have her so you both need to look at the bigger picture. She needs to see that her parents have her back but also work together to resolve conflict. This environment is toxic for all involved.

[WestIsWest]

I would probably look in her room without her knowing, just so you can stop your ex asking. I agree with others that it’s really good that you’re supporting your daughter in this. Maybe the step daughter broke her Switch and was worried she’d get into trouble so lied. There could be lots of explanations I guess, she might be being bullied and was forced to give it to someone even.

[JacquelineCarlyle]

@WestIsWest

I would probably look in her room without her knowing, just so you can stop your ex asking. I agree with others that it’s really good that you’re supporting your daughter in this. Maybe the step daughter broke her Switch and was worried she’d get into trouble so lied. There could be lots of explanations I guess, she might be being bullied and was forced to give it to someone even.

Totally agree.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

I would also search your daughters bedroom and tell ex that you have done so.
The only caution I would have is that you only have dds version. Unless she is totally bonkers, your ex must have reasons to be so sure she has taken it.

[Soubriquet]

I would check her bedroom yourself so you can say without doubt it’s not here.

Well done for sticking up for her though

[YesitsBess]

if this is out of character do you think there is pressure from step sisters father going on? Is she older or younger?

I’m 100% behind you in not searching her room if you have no real proof. Sounds like she needs a bit of backup at the moment.

[cansu]

Look through your dd's room. She is a child. There is a chance she has taken it. This didn't need to escalate if you and your ex had done this discretely. Badly handled by both of you.

[cansu]

I will also say that lots of lovely kids will sometimes lie or take something. It is of course also possible that the stepdaughter is lying.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Yeah, I would search the room just to be on the safe side.

[Onceuponaheartache]

Sorry your ex is being a psycho and massively unreasonable.

Good on you for protecting your dd.

Has the stepdaughter dad searched her room? Or her room at her mums house too to make sure it hasn't just been misplaced? My dd is forever losing hers on bags between here and her dad's house!

That said, I would discreetly look through her things. She is 11, there is no expectation of privacy in that sense as she is a child.

[magsel]

@BlackeyedSusan I think about a year older

[Isthisexpected]

The fact she got her own switch back shows a stealthy ability.

I agree. All teens learn to lie at some point even if initially just avoid hurting someone's feelings - Mum says I can't instead of I don't want to etc Maybe she is growing up a bit and getting a poker face.

[Dotcheck]

I would check her room ( just for peace of mind).

Why does ex have to know about the double allowance? Keep schtum.

I’d bet things aren’t so great with the ex’s new partner, and your ex is desperately hanging on by siding with stepdaughter. This is an unhealthy and potentially damaging position for your daughter. It’d be wise to prepare to have her at yours more.

[Christmasiscominghohoho]

Just check her room and stop being so ridiculous.

She managed to nab hers back quick enough without anyone seeings so it’s not like she’s not able to.

[TheNestedIf]

@Isthisexpected

The fact she got her own switch back shows a stealthy ability.

I agree. All teens learn to lie at some point even if initially just avoid hurting someone's feelings - Mum says I can't instead of I don't want to etc Maybe she is growing up a bit and getting a poker face.

I agree.

The fact DD managed to sneak her own switch back shows she is actually capable of duplicity with a straight face. If she hasn't taken the SD's switch, I think that was absolutely justified, and good for her. However, you are trusting her based on the fact you think she's a bad liar, so it might actually be worth checking her room. If you don't want to breach her trust, do it with her present, with the explanation that you want to vindicate her.