Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?

[magsel]

I share a daughter with my ex wife. She lives with her mum about half the time. My ex also has a stepdaughter through her husband. The stepdaughter and my daughter do not get along.

Around a month ago the stepdaughter lost her Nintendo switch. She has blamed my daughter for stealing it to get back at her for calling her names. My ex has since searched all over her house and through our daughters things for to switch and has been unable to find it. She is now convinced that our daughter has hidden the switch in her bedroom at my house.

I am unconvinced because my daughter is a really bad liar. She has a lot of tells and breaks down very easily when caught lying. When I asked her about the switch she was very insistant that she does not know what happened to it. I did not see or hear any indication she was lying. So unless my 11 old daughter magically became the best actress in the world within the past couple days I sincerely doubt she stole the switch.

Still my ex is insisting that I let her search through our daughters room at my house or search the room myself. I however find that to be a massive invasion of privacy. I tend to think about it from the point of view of when I was a kid. I would have felt violating to have my things searched through. It’s not even like I hid anything suspicious or wrong I just wouldn’t have wanted my stuff rifled through. Based upon how upset my daughter was after her mom did it at her house I imagine she feels the same. I am of the personal opinion that it is only okay to go through my child’s things if I have reason to believe they could be doing something dangerous or if I have proof beyond shadow of a doubt that they did something wrong. Her stepsister simply saying she stole the switch is not enough proof in my opinion.

Things escalated from there and my ex then gave our daughters switch to her stepsister until hers showed back up. A few days later when I went to pick my daughter up she grabbed the switch and quickly got in my car (I didn’t know about this as she had it in her backpack). When I got home my ex called because they found out my daughter had taken her switch. My ex was irate and demanded I bring it back. After thinking about it I refused to because again she had nothing other than her stepdaughter word as “proof”. Therefore I found her punishment unwarranted. Since I was the one who paid for our daughters switch I saw no reason for my ex to demand it be given to her stepdaughter.

After that my ex started taking away our daughters allowance. We normally take turns giving her her allowance every other week. My ex decided that she would be taking away our daughter allowance on her weeks and giving it to her stepdaughter until she had enough to buy a new one. So in return I decided to give my daughter her double her allowance on my weeks.

My ex now says I am undermining her parenting by making decisions without her, but she is also making decisions without me and I think her punishment is unjust. Especially when her stepdaughter did not receive any punishment for teasing our daughter. Obviously things have gotten out of hand, but I’m not sure what else to do because my ex is absolutely convinced our daughter took the switch and is refusing to budge or talk about it. It’s quite odd because normally we coparent very well and rarely have any issue.

[Onlytheriver]

@NoMichaelNo

If you can't figure that out for yourself then nothing I say will change your mind.

If you can't explain why, then I'm pretty sure that I don't need to change my mind.

[watcherintherye]

I can perfectly understand an eleven-year-old having to share a room with someone unpleasant and not being allowed to slap or poison her, hitting on the idea of taking her switch.

I’d be quite concerned if slapping or poisoning were top of the list, before settling for stealing!

[NoMichaelNo]

@Onlytheriver

If you can't explain why, then I'm pretty sure that I don't need to change my mind.

He's not her biological father.

Her biological father can search her room if he wishes too.

[Unforgettablefire]

@drkpl

The police don’t have time to go looking for Nintendo switches. The hilarity.

It doesn't matter whether it's a switch or the Crown Jewels.
I had my room turned upside down when I was accused of stealing a watch. No warrant, they asked my parent's permission and off they went.
My mother was fuming but didn't deny them, my cousin who is police told her if she'd tried refusing them they'd see it as guilt. Nothing hilarious about it I was a young teen and they rifled through my stuff.

[Onlytheriver]

@Unforgettablefire

It doesn't matter whether it's a switch or the Crown Jewels.
I had my room turned upside down when I was accused of stealing a watch. No warrant, they asked my parent's permission and off they went.
My mother was fuming but didn't deny them, my cousin who is police told her if she'd tried refusing them they'd see it as guilt. Nothing hilarious about it I was a young teen and they rifled through my stuff.

Did they find anything?

[StaunchMomma]

Well done, OP!!

You're doing the right thing, here. They have absolutely no proof and are treating your daughter disgracefully.

Can you afford to pay your daughter her allowance yourself each week?

I absolutely would not allow your ex to come and search the room and I would be asking your ex if they would treat her step daughter the same if your child lost something then accused her!

Your poor daughter must be so upset, bless her.

[Onlytheriver]

@NoMichaelNo

He's not her biological father.

Her biological father can search her room if he wishes too.

Why?
Step-dad acts in loco-parentis. Why can't he? What would be wrong with him doing it?

[Lachimolala]

@Onlytheriver

If you can't explain why, then I'm pretty sure that I don't need to change my mind.

That poster didn’t say they couldn’t only that they wouldn’t, likely the reason they won’t is because it’s so glaringly obvious to all involved including yourself despite your best attempts to be disingenuous.

Its perfectly normal for this child’s birth parents both mother and father to check a room for a potentially stolen item.

It’s not okay for a step-father or a step-mother to step in and do this, the gender of these parents have absolutely no bearing on this situation.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

I'd think it's unlikely the ss has hidden it herself, especially at her mums if it's something she uses regularly. Although op hasn't even bothered to ask if ss room at mums has been checked.

It could be lost or hidden in the house by either girl, there was a thread on here not that long ago where a switch had gone missing and they knew it was in the house somewhere

Ops dd could have hidden it in her room at dad's although I'd think this is unlikely as well

Someone else has been in the house and taken it

Or ops dd stole it and threw it away , the ss broke it and got rid and is blaming ops dd .or has thrown it away and is blaming ops dd to get her in trouble(unlikely)

Unless it turns up at ops house or the ss mums it's likely that no one will ever know the truth but both parents have handled it badly imo

[BadNomad]

@Onlytheriver

Why?
Step-dad acts in loco-parentis. Why can't he? What would be wrong with him doing it?

No they don't. Step-parents have no legal responsibilities for step-children. Only the parents have parental responsibility. Step-parents are just the bio parents' partners. It doesn't give them powers.

[NoMichaelNo]

@Onlytheriver

Why?
Step-dad acts in loco-parentis. Why can't he? What would be wrong with him doing it?

How are you this dense?

He's not her biological father, he doesn't live there and OP can quite rightly deny him access.

[Coyoacan]

I'm a bit astounded at the idea that looking through someone's room is an invasion of privacy. The OP seems to see it on the same level as looking through a diary.

First of all, congratulations on having a daughter who keeps her room so tidy you don't have to do anything in it.

Secondly OP, your daughter is growing and under your care. She will make mistakes and do wrong things. This is your time to help her to learn. She is not fully formed yet.

[StClare101]

@Unforgettablefire

Ps op, if they decided to get the police involved then they would search the room.

Yeah reckon the 11 year olds mum is calling the police right now.

[TheSoapyFrog]

I'd ask DD if I could search the room. Even at that she'd be happier having her room looked through than being called a thief, especially if she has nothing to hide.
Once the room is searched, and nothing is found, that should be the end of it.
You said "innocent until proven guilty", but how do you prove guilt or innocence without evidence?
Also, I don't think an 11 year old should have much expectation of total privacy. A teenager, yes, but not a child of that age.

[ShaneTwane]

@Unforgettablefire

@NoMichaelNo hahahaha oh yes they would it was done to me! I have police in my family trust me if they're called for theft they WILL check that room!

You obviously have very crooked police in your family because they 100% would not check ops dds room.

The police arent dealing with most crimes nowadays including violent crimes in public just because your crooked relatives raided your room as a child does not mean any police officer in the UK in 2022 is going to be searching an 11 year olds bedroom for a switch based off the word of her 12 year old stepsister.

[SaharaSahara]

Okay firstly, there is nothing wrong with u having a look through ur daughters room just to reassure her mother that there is no switch. It doesn’t mean u believe ur daughter stole it, however, it seems the helpful thing to do to control the situation rather than let it escalate. Her mother will then see that there is no switch in either room at either house (hopefully).

That’s the first step, then u and mum can discuss the possibility of where else the switch could have went.

[nutellachurro]

@magsel

@JustLyra it's just lies about silly things. Like saying she finished her chores when she didn't. That doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me.

Aside from the reasons I gave. I'm more of innocent until proven guilty and searching her room feel much more the opposite. I wouldn't think it okay either for the police to search someones home just on the word of someone else either. To me it just seems so absolutely morally wrong in this case.

The police absolutely do search houses based on statements made

Ffs just search her room

[MercurialMonday]

I had my room turned upside down when I was accused of stealing a watch. No warrant, they asked my parent's permission and off they went.
My mother was fuming but didn't deny them, my cousin who is police told her if she'd tried refusing them they'd see it as guilt. Nothing hilarious about it I was a young teen and they rifled through my stuff.

They did get permission from the homeowner in your case also the child's guardian - Op is the home owner and doesn't have to give it - then they'd need a warrant.

The police may have decide that no permission a guilty admission - they often seem to rely on that - but without proof not sure they could done much more.

Though I do understand why your Mum said yes - showed she had faith in you and avoided drawing the matter out also gave her moral high ground to fight back at your accuser.

We said yes when police turned up demanding to speak with someone they were told was stopping here - us saying no one was stopping here and we didn't know this guy got us no-where so rather than argue we let them search and then went in every room opening cupboards and even draws. I was less than impressed they questioned our then primary aged kids with us not in room they were watching TV in back room together- I went into corridor when I realised- and again their insistence we knew this guy to point insisting DH show them his facebook contacts.

When they finally asked for more information turned out they had no idea why this adult was vulnerable - they were given convoluted reason why it was grandparents and not parents getting in touch with police - and oh they weren't even sure we did know the guy or were in right bit of Wales. Extended family had used facebook to track down who this guy was with - only connect we could see was DH live in Wales and grew up a decade before the guy in same town. We didn't get an apology for their attitude they just left.


I do get that happened to you so you think it's possible here - I just think it's unlikely - especially these days police are over stretched and I can't see many forces wanting to get involved it such a situation.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

What saddens me most about this whole story is @magsel‘s ex clearly implying that she doesn’t believe her own daughter, but is taking her stepdaughter’s word over her own daughter’s.

So not only has this girl had her family split up, and her mum remarry, so that she now has to share her room with someone who is teasing her and making her miserable, she now has to spend half her week living somewhere where no-one believes her, and where everyone thinks she is a thief.

[nutellachurro]

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

What saddens me most about this whole story is @magsel‘s ex clearly implying that she doesn’t believe her own daughter, but is taking her stepdaughter’s word over her own daughter’s.

So not only has this girl had her family split up, and her mum remarry, so that she now has to share her room with someone who is teasing her and making her miserable, she now has to spend half her week living somewhere where no-one believes her, and where everyone thinks she is a thief.

Why does that sadden you?

The ex knows both children, spends more time with them both than the OP

So is the most likely person to be able to make a pure judgement call on what seems most likely

[MyneighbourisTotoro]

Can you not just have a conversation with your daughter, stress that you believe her and you are on her side but ask her if you can search her room to appease her mother and if she has nothing to hide then there’s no issue anyway.
I personally would have had a look through already to prove the ex wrong.

[Unforgettablefire]

@ShaneTwane when did I say my own "crooked" relatives searched my room?
Get it right. And who do you think you are laying into me slagging my family off?!

You have issues take them elsewhere.

[Unforgettablefire]

@Onlytheriver
No they didn't find anything. They found it but it was nothing to do with me it was someone we knew who took it.
They found it when they went to his house.
Why?

[diddl]

I personally would have had a look through already to prove the ex wrong.

Me too!

I mean it has been a bloody month & she is still being punished!

I do wonder why her mum is so certain!

[Geppili]

This is about a whole lot more than the Switch.