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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be really annoyed/upset at first day of primary school childs lunch eaten by another

286 replies

charley39 · 05/09/2022 16:06

As the title suggests really.

Just collected my son from his first day of school in reception. Nothing was said at pick up by the teacher. On our way out of the school my son told us that he didn’t eat his sandwiches. Bit more digging and he’s told me that he didn’t get his lunch another child ate it all and he was given a baguette instead. None of it was making any sense so we went back to the class to speak to the teacher.

Apparently another child has picked up his lunch bag and they assumed my son didn’t have packed lunch so they got him a ham baguette which he ate half the bread off(he won’t eat ham only plain bread). Then she said they then realised another child had his lunchbox and they then gave it back to my child so I said oh so you did eat your crisps and cake and my son was adamant he didn’t get it it was eaten. Teacher then said oh I don’t think we had picked up on it quick enough.

Now I’ve come home I’m getting more and more upset about the situation. He’s come home starving and it has stressed him out the fact he didn’t get his own lunch which is a big thing for him. And the fact it’s his first day of school.

Also extremely concerned in terms of allergies etc if the other child who had his lunch had allergies. I feel like it is a big issue?

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 05/09/2022 18:56

I am really surprised they let you pack such unhealthy food. Also not a good example for the other kids (yes my DC has noticed when other kids bring crisps in)
YABU for packing junk on his first day of school and then saying he is a picky eater. Of course he is, he knows mum will enable it!

Mumspair1 · 05/09/2022 18:57

It's the first day, the teacher had a whole class of new children who are also new and trying to figure things out. Can you do better with 30 kids?
It's upsetting that he didn't get his lunch , but it's just one of those things. When was his lunch bag taken? Why didn't he see it? more importantly how are cake and crisps allowed at your school, that's a huge No at ours?

SMQC · 05/09/2022 18:57

Dear OP

I signed up here just so I could send you some support, because oh my goodness there are a lot of mean people on this site. Seriously, maybe look elsewhere for support, because a lot of the posts saying you're overreacting, seems to be overreacting to your being upset!

I'm not the only one to notice this, but clearly lots of people have missed the bit about his lunchbox being clearly labelled, so that's not the issue. Reading through your posts, and also reading between the lines, it seems to me that this is not about him just having bread for lunch, but rather your anxieties seeming to be realised, and on his very first day.

My (totally unqualified!!!) thoughts are that your upset is coming from lots of things all coming together.

In one of your posts, it seems you had fears that his move up to "bigger" school/classes would mean he wasn't as well cared for as he has been until now, and despite your very best efforts to make his first day at school a happy and positive one, if feels like all your fears were justified. And that was reinforced by your son being upset (I think when you picked him up, and not because you're somehow projecting?), and then you heard the story from him because you kept digging for information, that it didn't come from one of the adults, that it took TWO conversations to get the full story (that's not a consequence of being too busy during the day to do everything needed), and a totally uninterested response from those adults, both towards your son and also you. You were hoping for some reassurance and even a bit of sympathy or understanding about your concerns, and your son's state (physical and mental), but that need wasn't met.

And who knows what else is going on in your life, and your general parenting anxieties!

And that's why it's getting worse as time goes on, and the intersection of all these things gets bigger as you think about, with no outlet valve because you're not able to address the issue with the school at the moment (not until at least the next school day), and then the pretty awful pile-on here making it even worse, although fair to say some posters have been nice and helpful.

Maybe this is all totally off track, but maybe something like this?

I think that there is an issue here that's worth addressing, and potentially the resolution is to talk to someone at the school, but maybe first take a little bit of time and work out just what it is that is making you upset. And then, if you do approach the school, go with a solution that is easy for the school to put in place. It's ok if the solution is simply that the school just explains the process works, maybe an apology that recognises you and your son's feelings, some reassurance that this is genuinely just a momentary snafu, and not some ongoing issue that will continue, or some scary sign that there will be lots of problems down the road! etc.

I do understand the advice to not be THAT parent, but at the same time that doesn't mean that you have to just push down your worries/fears/concerns without them being addressed either. Hence,if you decide you to want to go to the school, go with a clear short message, framed positively, with a potential solution. Although I get the feeling that at the moment part of your distress is being fuelled by not knowing how their processes work, and so also how it went wrong (especially when his lunchbox was clearly his), so might need a few possible ideas and be flexible while listening to them. All of this depends on the culture of the school, too, what they want and expect from parent involvement.

It doesn't sound like you have to do this the very next day, I think the other posters are right that it's most likely they will be watching your son's lunch like a hawk! :-)
waiting for the new school year to settle would be a nice thing to do for the staff, and more likely to give you a good reception if/when you chat with them. And gives you time to think, and if it does happen often in the next days and weeks, then you definitely definitely are entitled to be very upset! ;-)

But overall, no, you're not being unreasonable. The very fact that you made this post with that as the heading, shows you have some insight, you're not just going on some rampage! Maybe it's possible that what you think is the central issue, isn't actually the central issue? But you are entirely entitled to feel upset with the situation, and also to do something (positive/productive) about it, just not while you're upset.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself, you're doing great :-) xo

Crumpleton · 05/09/2022 18:58

x2boys · 05/09/2022 16:19

Or maybe both children have similar lunch boxes, these kids will be four ,i doubt they deliberately stealing other children's lunches, its unfortunate, but mistakes happen.

While it was probably just a mix up over lunch boxes and hopefully you DS now knows to speak up if there's a repeat.
But you'd be surprised that children would and do steal from other lunchboxes.
I've caught a few and it tends to be the ones that have a decent, all be it pre packed shop bought lunch in their own box.

Summerfun54321 · 05/09/2022 18:58

They provide free lunches but he won’t eat it.

You haven’t even tried the free school meals if it’s day one. Very fussy eaters are a nightmare at parties and play dates so continuously pandering to his fussiness is doing him no favours. It’s day one and you want him to be happy and it’s a shame this happened but I think you’re projecting your anxieties a bit onto the situation.

Herejustforthisone · 05/09/2022 18:59

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 18:07

also tbh a lot of you are absolutely horrible about a kid on his first day at school having his lunch eaten by someone else and got a crust of bread.
Glad my kids school was a LOT nicer.

A crust of bread?

Fuck sake. 😂

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/09/2022 19:02

charley39 · 05/09/2022 16:44

They provide free lunches but he won’t eat it. Hence why he ended up picking the bit of bread out of the baguette. And hence why he will take a packed lunch. I would love a child who just ate anything put in front of him.

How do you know he won’t eat it? Why not let him try.

CactusBlossom · 05/09/2022 19:02

I'd be livid! So the teachers think it's OK for your son to go without a proper lunch and they weren't really keeping an eye, were they? I agree you don't want your DS to think it's a major drama, but it's not right. Surely the other child knew it wasn't his own lunch - perhaps he had eaten two? Suppose your son had an allergy? It's a big day in his life, the first day at school, and this other kid snaffled his lunch. Make sure his lunch box is clearly different (but not in a way that he could get picked on by other kids). I'd be tempted to put some sort of an alarm in so it beeps loudly if someone else opens it. My concern would be that your DS thinks it normal and acceptable for someone to ride roughshod over him like this, and that the adults did very little to sort things out.

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 19:03

This would be a big issue for me as we are allergic to pork/ham/pig products.

Im not sure what would happen if the kid that took the lunch got sick (thats on the school supervision not you) but the school absoloutly should NOT be dishing out food during school without contacting you for consent or knowing the childs dietry requirements.

Pinkflipflop85 · 05/09/2022 19:04

First of all - can he definitely recognise his name from your writing?

Second of all - I've always found that even when children do recognise their name they still don't actually look at it and grab the first bag/box that looks like theirs. We're second week in and I'm still having to check 4 of my year 2 boys' lunchboxes as they all have the same and pay zero attention to the name on it. They're too desperate to get into the line quickly and go to lunch!

I always recommend adding an extra key chain to the zip to make it more identifiable.

NovaDeltas · 05/09/2022 19:05

For pity's sake, if you're this worked up about a mixed up lunch you have got a long decade ahead of you.

Hesleepswiththefishes · 05/09/2022 19:07

Not the same or even relevant but
have 3dc and at primary they would have preferred packed lunches
one of them for some mad reason picked up the cat biscuit tin and put in their lunch bag…they would have been about 7
They had to have a bit of school dinner but they survived…do reception still get free fruit and veg
i thought i would never get over the embarrassment but they managed to outdo themselves over several years

mam0918 · 05/09/2022 19:10

Summerfun54321 · 05/09/2022 18:58

They provide free lunches but he won’t eat it.

You haven’t even tried the free school meals if it’s day one. Very fussy eaters are a nightmare at parties and play dates so continuously pandering to his fussiness is doing him no favours. It’s day one and you want him to be happy and it’s a shame this happened but I think you’re projecting your anxieties a bit onto the situation.

I had an older kid at my DS school, I have 'eaten' (picked at) the school meals they provide myself... Im not remotely a fussy eater and will eat almost anything im not allergic too but that food is bloody inedadible.

The school doesnt even have a kitchen, it serves cold quishe or some unidentifible congeled lump with a wierd celery and radish salad which is akin to something I would expect in a russian gulag.

Im very safe in saying if my kid doesnt want to eat it I fully understand - I've yet to encounter a 'nice' school lunch but they get wierder as the funding get lower.

SMQC · 05/09/2022 19:12

😂if nothing else, thanks for lightening the mood a bit! Great story!

SMQC · 05/09/2022 19:15

Hesleepswiththefishes · 05/09/2022 19:07

Not the same or even relevant but
have 3dc and at primary they would have preferred packed lunches
one of them for some mad reason picked up the cat biscuit tin and put in their lunch bag…they would have been about 7
They had to have a bit of school dinner but they survived…do reception still get free fruit and veg
i thought i would never get over the embarrassment but they managed to outdo themselves over several years

Just to be clear, that👇post belongs with this story👆

😂if nothing else, thanks for lightening the mood a bit! Great story!

Penguinfeather781 · 05/09/2022 19:15

CactusBlossom · 05/09/2022 19:02

I'd be livid! So the teachers think it's OK for your son to go without a proper lunch and they weren't really keeping an eye, were they? I agree you don't want your DS to think it's a major drama, but it's not right. Surely the other child knew it wasn't his own lunch - perhaps he had eaten two? Suppose your son had an allergy? It's a big day in his life, the first day at school, and this other kid snaffled his lunch. Make sure his lunch box is clearly different (but not in a way that he could get picked on by other kids). I'd be tempted to put some sort of an alarm in so it beeps loudly if someone else opens it. My concern would be that your DS thinks it normal and acceptable for someone to ride roughshod over him like this, and that the adults did very little to sort things out.

An alarm on a reception kids lunchbox?!!!! 😂

It’s unfortunate, but it’s not some kind of master burglary!

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/09/2022 19:21

The lunch box might be labelled but presumably the other child can't read so if it was similar that wouldn't necessarily help. The idea suggested above of taping a photo of your child to the box was a good one.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/09/2022 19:23

I'm kind of surprised at the folk saying it's not really a big deal.
I would be upset if my child had his lunch eaten by another kid on day 1 on primary school.
It's an unfamiliar environment, unfamiliar people, unfamiliar process and the ONE thing that would have been a comfort to him was taken away and so then that adds in confusion to his day. I'm a sensitive and emotional person however it's not wrong to be like that just because other parents aren't.

I feel sorry for him.

HakuSansTan · 05/09/2022 19:23

Christmasiscominghohoho · 05/09/2022 16:59

What a drama over nothing.
its a mistake and isn’t a big deal.
Can’t believe you are upset over this. He’s not going to starve to death in the time he’s at school.

Op is upset as it was her son's first day at school. I completely understand you @charley39 while no lasting damage done, it does hurt to imagine their confusion on top of what is an overwhelming day.

Take your arsey comments over to the Christmas board... hohoho 🙄

MzHz · 05/09/2022 19:28

CodysFish · 05/09/2022 16:07

Downplay the drama for the sake of your son.

You know what? That is the best but of advice I have ever seen on a child related school issue!

absolutely bang on!

I know someone who goes into a flat spin at the slightest hint of an issue with her now SECONDARY SCHOOL kid. It’s making the dc nervous and anxious about subjects she shouldn’t even know exist.

listen to this advice @charley39 I’m sure the allergy thing would be something the child themselves know and the teaching Staff. Your child was hungry for the afternoon

he’s going to be hungry EVERY afternoon, it’s boys. That’s what they’re like. Take a snack with you for pick up and all will be well.

remind him to be smarter off the blocks to get his lunch. He’ll learn.

HakuSansTan · 05/09/2022 19:28

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/09/2022 19:23

I'm kind of surprised at the folk saying it's not really a big deal.
I would be upset if my child had his lunch eaten by another kid on day 1 on primary school.
It's an unfamiliar environment, unfamiliar people, unfamiliar process and the ONE thing that would have been a comfort to him was taken away and so then that adds in confusion to his day. I'm a sensitive and emotional person however it's not wrong to be like that just because other parents aren't.

I feel sorry for him.

Completely agree.

I do think this board attracts some who just enjoy booting the boot in. Even if it's a mum upset about the loss of her son's packed lunch on his first day.

MzHz · 05/09/2022 19:29

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/09/2022 19:23

I'm kind of surprised at the folk saying it's not really a big deal.
I would be upset if my child had his lunch eaten by another kid on day 1 on primary school.
It's an unfamiliar environment, unfamiliar people, unfamiliar process and the ONE thing that would have been a comfort to him was taken away and so then that adds in confusion to his day. I'm a sensitive and emotional person however it's not wrong to be like that just because other parents aren't.

I feel sorry for him.

He’ll live. He’ll be quicker tomorrow

HakuSansTan · 05/09/2022 19:33

MzHz · 05/09/2022 19:28

You know what? That is the best but of advice I have ever seen on a child related school issue!

absolutely bang on!

I know someone who goes into a flat spin at the slightest hint of an issue with her now SECONDARY SCHOOL kid. It’s making the dc nervous and anxious about subjects she shouldn’t even know exist.

listen to this advice @charley39 I’m sure the allergy thing would be something the child themselves know and the teaching Staff. Your child was hungry for the afternoon

he’s going to be hungry EVERY afternoon, it’s boys. That’s what they’re like. Take a snack with you for pick up and all will be well.

remind him to be smarter off the blocks to get his lunch. He’ll learn.

Who says she overplayed?

Seriously. Bit of a reach comparing OP whose little one JUST started school to the mother of a secondary school child.

And no I would not be underplaying either. Little boy deserved the lunch his mother packed for him.

'smarter off the blocks'... Really now!?

HakuSansTan · 05/09/2022 19:36

He’ll live. He’ll be quicker tomorrow

Are they savages?

Ridiculous comments from you @MzHz

mathanxiety · 05/09/2022 19:36

School dropped the ball. The teacher or lunch supervisor should have been supervising closely and handing out the lunches.

Make sure his lunch is clearly labeled and that he can recognize his name.

Tell him to tell the teacher/ supervisor immediately if he goes to get his lunch and it's not where it's supposed to be put or if his name isnt called to get his.