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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my child moved to a form with their best friend?

147 replies

JoanneH12 · 05/09/2022 08:34

Hi all, my daughter has just started high school and has been separated from her best friend. They are in no classes together and she doesn't get along with the only girl from primary school she is in form with.

My daughter is about to have major surgery end of Sptenber/October where they're going to break through her both thigh bones and reset them with plates and screws. When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend? I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks and she is going to come back and have no friends in her class.

AIBU to ask for her to be moved form to be with her best friend?

Thanks

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 08:36

Maybe the other girls parents have asked to separate them…

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 08:38

While you might think it would help your DD (probably not as the friend may well move on) it’s a bit unfair on the friend .
Also, I would be surprised if the school agreed to this

Backtobacknow · 05/09/2022 08:38

This is very very tough and I really do feel for your DD, but the other friend will need to make her own friendship groups at her new school. She cannot be solely responsible for your daughter when she returns and in six weeks may well have made other friends. In fact it may be better if a number of other pupils are appointed "helpers" if your daughter needs it and that way she also gets to make friends outside of this one girl. A network of helpers, girls that the school feel are good for the "job"?

good luck, I hope all goes well.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 05/09/2022 08:38

Maybe the parents of the other child don't want them together? YABU to expect another child to take on the responsibility.

Dadaya · 05/09/2022 08:38

I would ask, especially if she has health difficulties and needs a friend.

However I don’t think you can expect the other girl to provide “alot of help moving around school”. That’s not her job, or the job of any pupil. The staff will need to arrange any necessary support.

Threelittlelambs · 05/09/2022 08:39

Also kids that age want to help but it’s not their responsibility - it’s not fair to put that on her.
It doesn’t matter about the other girl - she needs to branch out and make a circle of friends and no rely on one ‘best’ friend - I loath that term - suggests all other relationships are second best and worthless.

MermaidSwimming · 05/09/2022 08:39

At our school they are only in form for 15 minutes at start of day so I wouldn't bother. They can see each other at break and lunch. If they don't have lessons together anyway I don't see it would make much difference to be in same form.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 08:41

Both teens ditched their form friends pretty quickly for like minded friends in different classes

Andromachehadabadday · 05/09/2022 08:42

Are you sure your dd will be actually living around the school? Sometimes they keep the pupil in one place and send work to them.

Also it’s likely that your dd will have to leave lessons early, to get from one place to another if she is moving around.

It’s unfair to presume the friend or her parents are happy with their child leaving all their lessons early and acting as your child carer. You don’t outright say it, but it appears you expect this from the friend.

My main concern would be your dds absence from school. New friendships could be formed. So you need to come up with ways this could be mitigated.

kimchifox · 05/09/2022 08:42

Oh poor thing - that sounds like a pretty traumatic procedure. I have to say it may not be unreasonable for you to want that, but I do think it's unreasonable for the BF to be expected to be responsible for pushing your DD round in a wheelchair all day.

Secondary is a time where they branch out and make new friends / move friendship groups quite a bit so whilst I totally and utterly grasp your concern for you poor DD I think your expectations of what her BF should or could offer are quite high. There is nothing much you can do about the friendship group thing unfortunately and hopefully the BF (who will have been forced to make new friends herself in DDs absence) will include her, but eventually you have to trust that your DD will be recovered enough to forge her own way & make friends even if it's a bit like starting over at a new school mid term.

Are there proper plans in place for helping her move around school when she goes back?

carefullycourageous · 05/09/2022 08:42

I think you're projecting your understandable worries about the 6 week recuperation onto this one friend/class decision.

I would not meddle. Support your DD to deal with the surgery, the aftermath and any ongoing issues and stay out of it at school.

chinuptitsoutonwards · 05/09/2022 08:44

Honestly the injury will probably help her make friends.

at that she the EXCITEMENT that goes around when she’ll be allowed to pick someone to help her to class and leave five minutes early. They’ll be fighting to take her.

That being said if it’s something that would aid DD’s recovery and the other girl wants it you can always ask.

whumpthereitis · 05/09/2022 08:46

You’re volunteering the best friend for a lot, assuming that she’ll want to do it (rather than feel obliged to do it)/her parents are willing to have her put in that situation when she should be concentrating on settling into her new school.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/09/2022 08:46

Sorry your daughter has to undergo this procedure but I agree that it's unfair to expect another child to take responsibility for her during the day.

Perhaps there is a reason why they have been 'split up'.

Encourage your DD to make new friends before her surgery. She can keep in touch with them via WhatsApp etc.

Do you have a plan in place with the school for how she will get around after the 6 weeks?

Hope all goes well.

Beamur · 05/09/2022 08:46

One of DD's friends (high school) helped a girl who was in a similar position to your DD - in a wheelchair following surgery for a few weeks. They didn't know each other before and have become firm friends through it.
It's very common for close friends to be separated at high school so that they make new friends.
Reassure your DD it will be fine.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 08:47

We had a blind expectation that Dd would be a support worker to a friend in year 6. Dd was actually missing lessons and activities all focus was on this child absolutely no thought give to affect on dd. I was the wicked witch and put a stop to it much to my child’s relief…

Roselilly36 · 05/09/2022 08:50

Quite common at high school. The students don’t spend much time with their form tutor, 15mins or so at the start of the day. Friendships groups change very quickly at high school in my experience, I honestly wouldn’t worry, your DD will be fine.

mountainsunsets · 05/09/2022 08:51

YABU.

While I understand your worries, it's not this other child's job to care for your DD and help her while she recovers. The school will have a plan in place for incidents like this.

Please don't put all this pressure on their friendship. Your DD will make plenty of new friends.

I also wonder if they've been split up on purpose - so that they're both forced to make new friends and not rely solely on each other.

forlornlorna1 · 05/09/2022 08:52

You could try op but form literally lasts 15 mins tops and then they're in no lessons together anyway. They can still catch up at break times.

Speedy recovery for your dd x

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 05/09/2022 08:55

I am sorry but I wouldn’t be happy that my child would be expected to push your dd around the school. Wheelchairs are heavy and paid carers get trained in how to safely handle them.

They aren’t in the same lessons so would mean the other child would miss parts of their lesson in order to get them both into lessons on time. The other person could also find themselves in detention for arriving late.

what happens if they are both on different lunch breaks? As they are usually staggered at secondary. Or if the other person is absent?

Would she need help transferring from the wheelchair to the toilet?

You need to talk to the school about the care needs your dd will require now so they can implement something that doesn’t involve another student.

Friendship groups also change during secondary so even if they were in the same form room, either of them might make new friends.

dottiedodah · 05/09/2022 08:56

Sorry to hear about your dd.however it would be unfair to put pressure of being the carer to dd on her friend. Tbh my son made a lot of new friends at secondary school. Maybe speak to school about some help for dd

Andromachehadabadday · 05/09/2022 08:56

Also want to add that dds has a group of 6 of them that have been close since secondary. Some since primary. Non of them were in the same dorm as each other.

As they got older, they had classes together, but never form. They are a super tight group of friends.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 05/09/2022 09:01

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 08:36

Maybe the other girls parents have asked to separate them…

This has brought back a memory.

There were a pair of girls at my sons school who appeared inseparable. Best friends, always playing together.

The following year they moved up and were put in different classes.

One mum complained to the school as they wanted the best friends together.

The other mum promptly moved her child to a completely different school.

It transpired that all was not as it seemed in the friendship duo. One child had been exerting power over the other for a long time.

WonkasBooboofixer · 05/09/2022 09:01

This happened to me when I started comprehensive school and tbh it was the best thing for me it pushed me to make other friends. Tbh if I were the parent of the other girl I would flip my lid if my child were made responsible for getting your around school in such circumstances.

Aprilx · 05/09/2022 09:04

It was a long time ago now, but I remember I was the only girl from my primary school that went into my form in secondary school. And maybe school is different now, but I had all my lessons with all the same form members for the first three years. It was horrible, I don’t make friends easily anyway and it took me a couple of years to settle.

So I am not without sympathy for the situation but I was also quite alarmed at the responsibility you expect to put on this other girl, without even asking her! I think generally though, parents probably shouldn’t make requests like this as I imagine if it was the norm a lot of time would be wasted balancing out the different requests.