To want my child moved to a form with their best friend?

[JoanneH12]

Hi all, my daughter has just started high school and has been separated from her best friend. They are in no classes together and she doesn't get along with the only girl from primary school she is in form with.

My daughter is about to have major surgery end of Sptenber/October where they're going to break through her both thigh bones and reset them with plates and screws. When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend? I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks and she is going to come back and have no friends in her class.

AIBU to ask for her to be moved form to be with her best friend?

Thanks

I echo previous posters. You and your daughter have my sympathy but you are being very out of order in your expectations of the best friend.

What a sad world when being supportive to your best friend for a few weeks when she's in a wheelchair is seen as such a big deal.

There's a difference between being supportive and being expected to leave every lesson early (my DD is allowed to do this but generally chooses not to as it means she is constantly having to catch up on final notes/homework etc) for someone else's benefit and give up a proportion or maybe even the whole of your breaks and lunchtime for the same friend. For some unspecified time frame.

@ancientgran if it was the best friend's mum making the suggestion then it would be fine. But it isn't. In our school if a DC is in a wheelchair, the class rotates who accompanies them so they have a wider group of friends and so it isn't always falling to one DC. OP's DD's friend may have her own concerns about friendships and fitting in but OP has failed to consider the other child at all.

@MelodyPondsMum When my DD was on crutches I don't think anyone else's mother was involved. No one had to ask DD's friends as they all just wanted to do it, which is quite normal in my experience you know friends helping each other.

It is specified, the OP quite clearly says it is six weeks.

So glad my DD had good friends when she needed them.

You'd get more practical support and help from contacting the SENDCO to plan her study whilst off school and then her return.

OP does not clearly say that at all.
She says I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks No mention of how long DD is going to have limited mobility.

My DD has impaired mobility herself and her friends have been amazing. But none of them would (and frankly DD would not expect them to - she's very careful not to ask too much of her friends) provide the level of support OP is expecting.

It is specified, the OP quite clearly says it is six weeks
No she doesn't-she says her DD will be at home for 6 weeks. If she's returning to school in a wheelchair after about 6 weeks (and nobody can predict that absolutely precisely) there's likely to be a gradual and potentially prolonged return to full mobility.
I'm waiting for an operation where something along the same lines is going to be done to one of the bones in my leg and I have been told to expect to be on crutches for at least 4 months and full recovery to take up to 2 years. And that's with only one leg out of action. Admittedly the OP's DD is young and may heal faster than someone like me, but she is having what sounds like very major surgery and on both legs. Even a "straightforward" broken leg is likely to cause mobility issues for more than 6 weeks. I'd hazard a guess that the OP's DD is likely to need significant support for quite a long time, and whilst I am sure her friends will help, it's unreasonable to put that onto one friend and the school needs to come up with a proper plan to support the OP's DD and keep her safe but without having a negative impact on other pupils.

Yes friends. With an S, as in multiple. Op is talking about one child.

it’s not just about wanting to help. These kids are what? 11 years old? What if something happens and the wheel chair tips over, or they get stuck or anything. It’s a lot of responsibility to put on a child.

It's a sad world when you want to remove an 11 year old child from her form to put her in with yours, when yours will be then off school for 6 weeks, and then when she returns expect that 11 year old to work as an unpaid aide for th rest of the year, putting their own needs and friendships and school work second to your needs...without considering that child in any way.

Except that isn't what the OP says, she is thinking of asking for her DD to be moved.

I remembered the six weeks and thought that was how long it would be.

My DDs friends didn't need to be asked and I'd like to think my DD would have done the same for them. I think it would have been easier if my DD had been in a wheelchair, she was slow on crutches and frankly more at risk of falling if caught in a crowd. Is pushing a wheelchair between classes really such a high level of support?

You're not really getting it are you? Multiple kids offering to help out a friend is a very different thing from ONE kid being purposefully co-opted to be an assistant to a friend.

You can't possibly think they are the same thing

It’s unreasonable of you to expect your daughter’s friend to effectively become her carer at school. Perhaps her parents have requested the separation for that reason.
school will organise the (adult) assistance that your daughter needs.

We have no idea as to the dynamics of this particular friendship, and there’s a difference between friends rallying on their own accord, and a mother volunteering on an unrelated friend’s behalf when she has no idea what the friend or her parents think about it.

the friend is also starting high school, she’s going to be nervous and finding her feet herself. It’s unfair as hell to put a caring responsibility on her anyway, let alone one when she’s also dealing with a big life change for a kid.

If they were inclined to accommodate the request at all, they could decide to move either one. For all we know the girl could have other friends in her form, and is quite happy where she is.

@ancientgran your DDs' friends not needing to be asked is entirely the point. They offered. You did not choose one of them and request that they alone provided support. There is nothing in OP's posts about the 'best friend's feelings' on any of this or about the best friend's family's attitude to the friendship.
It would not be the first time that one parent requests a move so friends can be in the same class; whilst the other parents are at school requesting that the DCs are in different classes to expand their friendships.

Would be helpful if @JoanneH12 came back and answered some of the questions raised.

The OP says she'd like her to be with her friend and that she'll need a lot of help. She doesn't say she expects the friend to do it or to do it all. As I said with my DD people loved doing it, one of the things they particularly loved was being able to go straight to the front of the queue in the canteen. In her school they were served from oldest to youngest so year 7s were at the back of the queue and could easily spend half of their lunch break just queuing, being able to go to the front of the queue was enough to make her worst enemy want to help her.

She's also worried about her coming back after the time off and everyone being in friendship groups, if she goes into her friends class she will probably be accepted into her friends group. Can't see anything wrong with that.

At the end of the day the OP is asking if it is reasonable to ask and I think it is. If there has been a particular request to separate them then the school will deal with that but if the school don't know the girls are friends and may like to be together they won't magically figure it out will they. Last time I checked teachers weren't psychic.

As I said with my DD people loved doing it, one of the things they particularly loved was being able to go straight to the front of the queue in the canteen.

that sounds a rather school (and individual specific) benefit.
At my DC's school, for example, Year 7s are served ahead of others anyway and an awful lot of people bring packed lunches. And having impaired mobility doesn't let you jump the queue!

My DD is the one that is struggles with mobility and she would very much like not have to go long ways round so that she can use the lift and always be late getting between places. I wonder if your DD's friends only loved it for the occasional novelty value.

The other point I don't think that anyone has mentioned is that a child in a wheelchair after surgery and an extended recuperating period at home is potentially going to be in pain, and quite likely to have periods of low mood. Becoming someone's full time emotional crutch is likely to be as hard or harder than the physical stuff.

You coming back @JoanneH12 or just enjoying watching from the sidelines? 🙄