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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my child moved to a form with their best friend?

147 replies

JoanneH12 · 05/09/2022 08:34

Hi all, my daughter has just started high school and has been separated from her best friend. They are in no classes together and she doesn't get along with the only girl from primary school she is in form with.

My daughter is about to have major surgery end of Sptenber/October where they're going to break through her both thigh bones and reset them with plates and screws. When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend? I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks and she is going to come back and have no friends in her class.

AIBU to ask for her to be moved form to be with her best friend?

Thanks

OP posts:

Rosehugger · 05/09/2022 10:44

I think if it may really impact on your DD's attendance then you can only ask.

DD2 is in Y9 and has really struggled with school based anxiety and attendance since Y7, but managed to attend every day for six weeks at the end of Y8 as she had made a nice group of friends and it really helped. Now in her new year group she hasn't been put with any of these friends. I've asked whether she can move groups to be with one friend as it may make a difference.

My usual attitude is that they should get on with it, and I realise it's a PITA for the school, but sometimes there are exceptional circumstances and it's worth asking politely.

StripyHorse · 05/09/2022 10:45

Re: being separated from her friend, by all means speak to school. They may have reasons for the move or they may have been accidentally separated (we had similar issues in high school when they mixed forms). It may have been done so your daughter's BF does have a wider network of friends so she is not isolated when your daughter is off.

I would also speak to school about the upcoming operation to find out what support will be in place for your daughter (assuming you haven't already). As others have said, it is a lot of responsibility to place on one fellow pupil and your daughter having a wider group of friends may be the best thing for her.

bellac11 · 05/09/2022 10:45

georgarina · 05/09/2022 10:42

OK but the comment didn't say any of that, just 'maybe the friend's parents wanted her moved away from your daughter.' Which isn't raising any helpful points, it's just kicking someone when they're down.

Show quote history

I didnt read that from the comment at all

I read it as a caution that the situation may not be exactly as OP thinks

The OPs daughter may well have already voiced to her friend that she is going to have this op and I need lots of help around school and expectations have been voiced that the friend will do it, or there may be other issues in the relationship for all anyone knows

Therefore to go wading in and asking for the friends to be put together could cause awkwardness if the friend's parents are secretly relieved that they have been split up

HarryBlaster · 05/09/2022 10:49

I voted you are not being unreasonable provided you discuss it with the friend’s parents first. It’s not just your decision.

whumpthereitis · 05/09/2022 10:50

The thing is, the kid that ‘loves to help’ is often the kid that doesn’t feel able to say no. Which is why it’s wrong to put that on a kid in the first place. Especially when you haven’t even spoken to the kid/her parents about it before you go to school and start asking for changes to be made.

Vecna · 05/09/2022 10:53

Unless the school is entirely on one level (most are not) dd is unlikely to be in most classes unfortunately.

Yanbu to want a friendly face and support for your dd, but it is in bf's best interests to make new friends given your dd's long absence.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 10:56

I didn’t want to be mean but the fact they are known to be close but are in different forms would make me suspect that her parents have asked for that. Most schools put you with one or two good friends accept all schools different.

diddl · 05/09/2022 11:02

Is your daughter trying to make new friends?

I think it's awful that you want to make one girl responsible for you daughter.

What are the school planning for her?

Snowpaw · 05/09/2022 11:07

I am pretty sure that I was only put in the form that I was because I was the good friend of a girl from my primary school that had some additional needs and needed help around school (mainly carrying her lunch tray for her etc as she had crutches). She made me late on my first ever day of high school because her (chaotic) mother insisted I travel to school with them in their school-taxi but they were so unorganised getting ready that the taxi was late and I ended up all in a fluster starting my first day of high school.

Honestly, I hated it. I felt used. I was a sensible child who never caused any fuss for anyone, and I feel like they just stuck me with this girl so that I would solve their problem of having to support her. I had to go in the early-queue with this girl for lunch, which meant I had to leave my other group of friends and eat lunch separately with this other girl.

Eventually I started intentionally getting detentions so that I would be kept behind at lunch time, so that someone else would have to carry the girls' sodding lunch tray. I remember crying to my sister one night saying that I hated having to be responsible for this girl. We had been good friends but I felt like it was hard for me to settle properly in high school while I had this extra job of looking after her.

Beautiful3 · 05/09/2022 11:10

That sounds lovely for you and your daughter. But the reality is, pushing a person in a wheelchair is hard work. Think about what you're asking, you want her friend to become her carer. I don't think that's very fair to ask of a child. She may have already made friends, and be happy where she is. Did she message your daughter saying how she doesn't have any friends, and really misses her? If she didn't, then she's probably made new friends now. Staff would have to support your daughter, with the wheelchair.

MercurialMonday · 05/09/2022 11:12

I read it as a caution that the situation may not be exactly as OP thinks

I read it as that as well.

When I asked DS to be moved as friendship for him had turned bullying I spoke to no-one but the school about it.

DN parents tried talking to other parents in their situation but parents didn't hear and kept on how wonderful the friendship was - they ended up having to be very forceful with the school as DN was being isolated and starting to school refuse.

It's possible it just admin or it's possible parents or previous school have suggested separation.

SidSparrow · 05/09/2022 11:13

YANBU

When I started high school there were no girls in my class from primary, all my friends were in a different class. I was a bit shy, and I was miserable. If I hadn't have spoken up and asked to be moved I think I would have slipped into depression - that's where I was headed. With your daughter having all the other stuff on top I think you are right to ask to have her moved. Good luck to you both.

NoYouSirName · 05/09/2022 11:19

Our schools routinely accommodate requests to be with a friend and as long as there’s no reason why they need to be separated I think you’re perfectly reasonable.

However my dd had a lot of issues in y7 and the school put a lot of responsibility on her best friend to support her. It killed the friendship. I did tell school that I didn’t want too much responsibility placed on the friend but they still did.

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2022 11:20

isnt the form class just for registration though then they get split for all the classes anyway?

i dont think its fair to make this girl your dd's carer

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 05/09/2022 11:23

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2022 11:20

isnt the form class just for registration though then they get split for all the classes anyway?

i dont think its fair to make this girl your dd's carer

Yes. And some schools this is once a day.
afternoon registration is taken in whatever class they have after lunch.

Howdoyoulikeyourtea · 05/09/2022 11:28

At my dc school if someone is in a wheelchair, either temporarily or permanently, they leave the lesson slightly early to get through the corridors easily. Whichever friend is in that lesson will take them, not the same person all the time. Everyone is eager to volunteer so if she hasn’t made friends already she soon will when she needs help.
Her friend will stay her friend if they both want to, or they’ll drift apart, regardless of her form and her operation.
I hope all goes well for her with the operation and her recovery.

Somethingneedstochange · 05/09/2022 11:30

I managed I broke my kneecap and had a full leg plaster on. I had what would usually be a 10 minuite walk to school up a hill. I could have got the bus but not much point only one stop away. Took about 20 minuits on crutches with my backpack. Had to get up and down flights of stairs no lift's. One of our classes was up 10 flights of stairs but I was determined.

Our school was in three separate buildings so had to go between the blocks. It took me 10 minutes of my 15 minuite break to get between two of the blocks. The third one was closer but accross a road. Only other alternative was to stay at home on my own as my mum had to work. Had next door neighbor listen out for me for the first week so wanted to go back to school. This was 32 years ago.

Probably wouldn't be allowed now though with all H&S. I know an office worker who broke her leg and she couldn't go into work. Her office was 4 floors up even though there was lift's they said no because she couldn't get out if there was a fire. I know a girl with CP who was a full time WU. She stayed in mainstream right through to secondary school. Just any lessons that were upstairs she went accross the road for at the special needs school. So she had the best of both. She's the most sociable, lovely young lady I know.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 11:32

When a girl in dds form was in a wheelchair everyone vied to be her helper as it meant they could go in the lift rather than have to walk up the stairs! Terms can be pretty lazy!

MercurialMonday · 05/09/2022 11:34

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2022 11:20

isnt the form class just for registration though then they get split for all the classes anyway?

i dont think its fair to make this girl your dd's carer

Depends on the school - my old school which DN is at is most of the day in same form till Y9 bar maths.

In DC school it's about 50% of time till Y9 - when the start to set for most subjects.

lunar1 · 05/09/2022 11:36

I would ask, because it might just have been done at random. DS1 supports his friend who has extra mobility needs, they are both in top set for everything so their timetable is the same. It works well, and isn't a temporary measure.

DS2 was put in a similar situation, and I'll be honest it's not really working, I spoke to school and they agreed. The boys aren't really academically similar and ds2 ended up missing out on some things he really shouldn't because of it-this case isn't mobility related.

Your daughter has time to settle in and make friends, she can also keep in contact using her phone so won't need to miss everything going on while she's on bed rest.

I hope everything goes well for her.

user1471538283 · 05/09/2022 11:37

I went into high school in none of my classes with friends. In my form room I made friends with a girl who changed my life.

I know it is difficult at that age and particularly because your DD will be out of school for a while but she will make friends. Also I do not think the school will allow another pupil to push your DD around all the time and it is a big expectation to put on a child.

My DS had a distance friend at school who hurt his leg and had to stay in each break until he was well and needed some support to get lunch etc. Everyone in my DS's class took it in turns to stay with him and help him. But they were not responsible for him, it was more to keep him company and do what little everyone was comfortable with.

Once your DD is back the school will probably have a buddy system in place to keep her company.

Suzi888 · 05/09/2022 11:41

Threelittlelambs · 05/09/2022 08:39

Also kids that age want to help but it’s not their responsibility - it’s not fair to put that on her.
It doesn’t matter about the other girl - she needs to branch out and make a circle of friends and no rely on one ‘best’ friend - I loath that term - suggests all other relationships are second best and worthless.

Agree with this. It’s never good to only have one friend either. I had one friend in school for a long time, right up until she moved to Spain with her dad…. then I had to branch out!

Hope your daughter’s surgery goes well. 💐

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 05/09/2022 11:47

The other child is not your child's carer, work with the school and then if it doesn't work ask for a meeting.

MrsAvocet · 05/09/2022 11:48

I think you are completely reasonable to talk to the school about how they are going to support your DD through what sounds like a very difficult time, but I agree with the majority - to focus on this one friend is almost certainly not the answer.
I hope everything goes smoothly and your DD makes a good recovery.

sotired2 · 05/09/2022 11:55

I doubt there is any reason why they have been split up as probably just totally random split. They can still be friends and will probably do both good to make some new friends etc.

As for operation and long absence etc I would discuss with school so they can help support dd whilst off with work sent home and once back at helping her get around - they will all be keen to volunteer to help her as others have said.

My dc had months off in year 8 she decided on her return as original friend group had not kept in touch to make new friends which she did and is very happy.

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