To want my child moved to a form with their best friend?

[JoanneH12]

Hi all, my daughter has just started high school and has been separated from her best friend. They are in no classes together and she doesn't get along with the only girl from primary school she is in form with.

My daughter is about to have major surgery end of Sptenber/October where they're going to break through her both thigh bones and reset them with plates and screws. When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend? I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks and she is going to come back and have no friends in her class.

AIBU to ask for her to be moved form to be with her best friend?

Thanks

You're putting a lot of responsibility on to her friend. An unfair amount. Friendships grow, change, fall aside at high school. You can't try to tie your DD to her current best friend in the hope she'll ease your DD back into school after her time away. I understand why you would want to do that but it isn't fair or realistic.

You shouldn't put that responsibility on another child. It's not fair.

People are so harsh on here! I think it's reasonable to ask if her BF is happy to help her after the op.

Being in a wheelchair doesn't mean being pushed everywhere but it does mean there's somewhere to gang heavy book bags ;)

Good luck x

I think it's reasonable to ask if her BF is happy to help her after the op.

But very difficult for the other child to say no. It's not reasonable to expect an 11 year old to consistently meet the needs of a non mobile 11 year old for weeks on end. There should be absolutely no expectation of it and the OP should already be discussing how this will work with the school directly.

Just to offer another perspective, when I was in secondary school, I was put in a completely different population (3 per year) which meant I was not in any of my friends classes at all. I was really upset about it and asked if I could be moved, the head of year was really kind but explained that in order to move me they would need to move another pupil which would be disruptive to them. Anyway, he asked me to give it a month and then if I was struggling he would move me. Honestly after about 2 weeks I was absolutely fine and ended up meeting a lovely group of people who ended up being my best friends throughout secondary school.

I would speak to the school to let them know your concerns about the help dd will need after her operation but I would also be encouraging dd to give her new class a good try.

Sorry also just to add to that, it was in year 9 when all the population groups were changed so we were 2 years in already and friendship groups had already been formed at this point.

My DD was on crutches at school following an accident. Being her helper was very popular, she was allowed to leave lessons just before the bell so she had time to get to the next class and to avoid the stampede. I hope your DD is OK, it doesn't sound a pleasant thing to go through but I do hope she gets the sort of help my DD did when she wasn't very mobile.

Good luck.

Yabu expecting a 11 or 12 year old child to help your DD.

Why is it unreasonable? I think most 11 or 12 year olds would want to help a friend. As I said above people were keen to help DD when she wasn't mobile and only a few weeks into year 7.

What has been the discussion on this with your dad.how is she feeling?
has she takes to her best friend?
have they still been hanging out over the summer?
have you been in discussions with school on how they are planning to help both with her physical side but also emotionally intigrate back into school.

When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend?

You do not get to co-opt children as unpaid aides without even asking them or their parents!

If were the other kids mother I would be saying absolutely no to this

She is your 11/12 year old child's best friend - at the moment. She is not your child's carer or emotional crutch.

My daughter had a child in her class who used crutches and sometimes a wheelchair and all the other kids in the class were desperate to be the ones who got out of class 5 minutes early to go with her to the next room. It wasn't to "take her", it was more to open doors and clear the path for her.

This is a great opportunity for your child to get to know a lot of people quickly.

YABU - by all means, check what support the school will have in place for your daughter but don’t interfere with forms etc! My dd was in a form with none of her close friends but she still gets to hang out with them. It also gave her opportunity to make new friends with pupils from other primary schools. Besides, they normally put in them in sets for some of the classes so she might not be with her all the time anyway. When your daughter is off school, best friend will hopefully be making new friends, otherwise it will be a lonely 6 weeks for her!

If the friend helps your dd and then gets separated again then your dds friend will have missed out on making her own friends in her own form.

YABU OP - sorry! I totally understand your worry about your DD, but it's simply not fair to burden her old primary school friend with her care while she's in school. You are going to have to reach some kind of agreement with the school about how she will be able to attend safely, get around and be cared for, but that shouldn't be reliant on another student.

My DS had a broken ankle at senior school. He was on crutches for 8 weeks and his school is old and much of it is not fitted with lifts. It was hard - we had to work with the school to find a suitable, safe way for him to attend and do his lessons, which after trial and error resulted in him being allocated a desk in a quiet space and him being emailed the work for any class that was in an inaccessible location. His friends did help him out, on an ad hoc basis, but the burden for getting him around didn't fall on any one student, nor should it have done.

One more thing - schools have DC who are in plaster, on crutches and in wheelchairs on a regular basis (something I didn't fully appreciate until my own DS was affected), so they should already have policies and tried and tested support in place.

YABU for all the reasons mentioned. You are leaning too heavily on the friend and now your dd is my osmosis.

Secondary school is a time for new beginnings and actually needing help will be an opportunity for your DD to make new friends (and will root out the kind ones).

If the existing friendship was meant to sustain it will.

Friendships shift in the first year or two at secondary school, and the biggest problem is the fallout when one of a pair of friends makes a new best friend. As a form tutor, I reckoned it would have been much easier if nobody was put in the same class as their best friend. It doesn't stop the friendship continuing out of lessons, but it means there isn't the same sense of rejection if their friend from primary chooses to work with someone else.

Your DD's absence from school is obviously not coming at a good time, and I can quite understand your concern. However it might be rather more distressing for her to return from the operation and discover that her friend has made a new best friend. In some ways, it might be easier not to have that expectation. It also reduces the pressure on that friend - even if they are only in the early stages of making new friends, they might not want to put that on hold because their old friend is back and suddenly needs full-time attention.

Hopefully, because she will need help getting around, her form teacher will use that to help her get to know the others in the class - she'll probably be leaving each lesson early to get to the next before the corridors fill, and the form teacher can ask different children to go with her each day.

You may find they can't accommodate her in school if she can't move herself around....

The onus is on the school to arrange suitable ADULT supervision/ on site support for your DD's post-op recuperation and wheel chair use in class and around the building. None of that is the responsibility (or a fair burden on) another new pupil, DD's friend from Primary school.. Nor is it DDF's responsibility to help DD catch up academically or socially re-integrate after a long absence. Which would inevitably happen if they were in the same class when DD returns to school.

So, I suspect the split is deliberate, possibly at the request of the parents of DDF, for the benefit of both children.

Starting secondary school is a social challenge for all new pupils to make new friends among strangers. You can help DD by emphasising that everyone is in the same boat and will adapt and survive. BECAUSE she has faced and overcome other tough challenges , she is stronger, more mature and more adaptable than most of her peers. And, you're going to make sure the school has everything in place when she returns after her operation.

Hope all goes well. Put on a confident act; don't let your anxiety and doubts get her down.

At our school we have a 'hub' type space for student who aren't in lessons temporarily. That could be because they're having problems or it could be because of mobility. My DS was in there for two weeks when he was on crutches as there were no lifts to higher floors and some of his lessons were on them. His lessons were live streamed to his PC so he was seeing exactly what the other students saw and could ask questions if he needed to. Then the hub teacher would help him if he got stuck or he'd chat on line to the subject teacher. Worked very well. You may find the school has similar. Have you asked how they're going to accommodate your DD?

I wouldn't get her BF involved - not by asking her directly, nor by putting your proposal to the school.

Firstly, in the weeks DD is at home recovering, the BF may have made new friends which you're then pulling her away from. That can build resentment at best. At worst you could find the BF decides at the last minute that she no longer wants to push a wheelchair around and your DD is stuck.

Secondly, there's also issues around health and safety - the school may not want a child pushing another child around in a wheelchair with all the doors, furniture and other kids to negotiate around every day!

Thirdly, what happens if the BF goes down with Covid or flu for example, something that takes them out of school for a week or two? Is your DD stuck then?

Better to have a proper plan in place involving adults like the school nurse (if you have one), the HT or year teacher rather than depend on a young child.

This is for the adults to sort out and the school needs to find a way of supplying your DD with an education whilst she's recovering. They'll have had people who have been on crutches, recovering from operations or in wheelchairs before and will probably be well versed in these sort of problems.

Talk to the school about how they propose to help but don't involve the friend. She may well get involved anyway but it's not for you to suggest. It's for the school to plan.

Remember that your DC will also need a PEEP (personal emergency evacuation plan) so if you do nothing else, you need to discuss this with the school! This may well preclude her moving to (e.g.) higher floors of the building as they have no way of safely evacuating her.

Why hasn’t the OP been back?

Possibly because the majority think the op is being unreasonable Dingle.

OP, I work in a school. We would definitely consider moving your DC into a form with her BF in the circumstances you describe. BUT it would be much easier to accommodate this if informed before the 6 week holidays, some schools might well say its too late to change Form groups now. We would definitely try but there are a number of factors that might make it unworkable.

However, even IF we were to move your DD into her friends Form at such late notice we would not be on board with the expectation that her friend help her with moving around school or take on any caring responsibility. You say they aren't in any of the same classes so how would this even work? Neither do we have spare adults who would be free to assist your DD moving around school all day as some pp have suggested (budgets are so tight now all our TA's are 1:1 with EHCP students, there is no money for extra TA's) so she would need to be based in an area (probably Inclusion/Pastoral, will be called different things in different schools) where there are already staff working with/supervising small groups of students and work would be brought to her.