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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my child moved to a form with their best friend?

147 replies

JoanneH12 · 05/09/2022 08:34

Hi all, my daughter has just started high school and has been separated from her best friend. They are in no classes together and she doesn't get along with the only girl from primary school she is in form with.

My daughter is about to have major surgery end of Sptenber/October where they're going to break through her both thigh bones and reset them with plates and screws. When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend? I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks and she is going to come back and have no friends in her class.

AIBU to ask for her to be moved form to be with her best friend?

Thanks

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 05/09/2022 10:04

Maybe the other girls parents have asked to separate them
That's quite harsh. I know with my eldest's school they had a policy of separating those from primary as they wanted to encourage new friendship groups, but to also link those groups with established ones. Also stops the ones who come from further away being left out by bigger groups from nearby primary schools.

Jalepenojello · 05/09/2022 10:05

YABU. Form lessons are really short and it’s likely they still won’t be in many/any lessons together? It’s really uncommon for best friends to be in the same form IMO as secondary schools are so much larger than primary, so everyone else will be in the same boat.

As for her surgery, it would be really inappropriate to expect another child to push around a heavy wheelchair. Speak to the school about what support they can offer.

Id encourage her to make new friends at all costs and to not rely on her best friend not doing just that. She will get left behind.

10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 10:07

I understand your worries about your daughter but you really must understand that the school can't possibly be expected to allocate form places around the preferences of your child and your child alone.

Kids change friendship groups constantly at that age and fall in and out with each other and make new friends and grow out of old friends - the school can't arrange forms around that kind of thing.

If your daughter is going to need help getting around school after her surgery, you need to contact the school about that issue and discuss how that is going to work. Is the school all on one floor? Most secondary schools aren't, so if she has classes that are upstairs she won't be able to attend those, for a start. You can't expect another 11-year-old to be your DD's carer and assistant every day - you need to discuss all this with the school and work out proper arrangements with them about how this will work.

Chikapu · 05/09/2022 10:08

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/09/2022 09:51

Speak to the friends mother and see if she will join forces with you and reunite the girls? It's so sad when kids are separated from the only friend they know in class changes.

They're in different forms at the same school, one of them hasn't gone away to war!
OP I'm going to ask the same question as many others, are you expecting this friend to help your daughter get around at school? If so that's really unfair on the friend, don't put the burden of care on to a child.

Completelyovernonsense · 05/09/2022 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

babyjellyfish · 05/09/2022 10:13

YABU.

Friendships change a lot between primary and secondary school.

The timing of your daughter's surgery is unfortunate but it isn't this other girl's responsibility to act as her carer.

Just try to take comfort from the fact that it isn't a permanent situation and that in a year or so it'll be long forgotten.

Both your daughter and her friend deserve the opportunity to make new friends.

Completelyovernonsense · 05/09/2022 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

Hotpinkangel19 · 05/09/2022 10:14

Yabu. Her friend needs to make other friends- hardly anyone stays with the friends they had at primary school. You can't expect the friend to wait 6 weeks with no friends, to then effectively become your daughter's carer. You need to make a plan with the school regarding mobility

GlitteryGreen · 05/09/2022 10:14

I am surprised so many think it's unfair for a friend to help DD's daughter around when she returns to school? It's pretty standard practice when one child has an injury like this for them to be able to choose a companion per class to leave 5 mins early with to enable them to get to their next lesson.

I did this for my friend when she broke her leg and was on crutches, just helped pack up her stuff and carried her bag and coat for her to her next lesson. It wasn't a big deal at all.

MethodToTheMadness · 05/09/2022 10:15

When moving up from primary, my mum asked that my younger brother be moved form classes so he'd be with his primary school friends. She said she wished she'd done the same for me as I had been put in a form class where I knew no one. But I'm glad she didn't as I ended up making a really great group of friends who I'm still friends with today. Perhaps my brother would have benefitted from the same opportunity to branch out!

It sounds like a big operation for your DD. I hope it goes well and wish her a speedy recovery, but I don't think you should be interfering in her opportunity to make new friends at school. Definitely check with the school to see how they can support her with her wheelchair, but give her some space to spread her wings!

Hurrrrrah · 05/09/2022 10:16

You want the friend to help her get around schoolafter n op? I dont think I'd be too pleased if my daughter was expected to spend her days pushing her mate around school like her carer, surely a member of staff should be doing this? Also the friends parents may have requested they are separated if they want their daughter to form new friendships. I found that in high school I didn't stay friends with the people from primary school, I made new friends and we were put into sets according to ability anyway so you couldnt be in every class with your friends.

MercurialMonday · 05/09/2022 10:17

How much time does form class spend together - some schools it's 15 minutes and others it 50% in early years - ie not set classes- like DC secondary school.

But having said that it very unreasonable to expect another child to take on caring responsibilities - and I do as PP have suggested I wonder if there parents are aware of this expectation and asked for them to be separated.

Plus by end of September they may not be close friends any more.

I would suggest to you talk to the school about how they are going to help your DD manage post operation - and what plans/mitigations they can put in place.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/09/2022 10:18

Sounds like you're expecting the friend to be your kids carer. I get why that works for you and DD but it isn't fair in the friend. School need to be putting something in place to make sure your daughter is safe whst she's with them

Yerroblemom1923 · 05/09/2022 10:22

YABU, life's not like that. They can't always be with their bezzie mate throughout life. Think longer term - A levels, uni, the world of work etc.
While I sympathise that your dd is about to have a major op friendships, change over time and they make new ones. My dd went to a secondary with only a handful of her yr6 classmates and she has soon binned them and moved on to a different tribe.
I get what you're saying but chances are her old bff will have moved on by the time she's well enough to return to school.

LindaEllen · 05/09/2022 10:26

It's more likely that a TA or support assistant would be assigned to help your daughter rather than another child. Have you discussed with the school how this is actually going to work?

I was only in a form with one girl from primary, again one I didn't really hang round with (though didn't dislike her), and I soon made friends both in my form and in my lessons. It was fine - and I'm honestly the most antisocial person there is.

georgarina · 05/09/2022 10:28

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 08:36

Maybe the other girls parents have asked to separate them…

What is the point of such a nasty comment?

Mum: My daughter is having surgery and in a vulnerable place, should she be with her best friend?

Response: Well maybe best friend doesn't even want to be around her.

To OP, I think I would check first that this friend is happy to have this responsibility, and I'm sure DD will find new supportive friends even if BF isn't with her. It does sound scary though and I understand why she would want her best friend around. Good luck to her x

whumpthereitis · 05/09/2022 10:33

georgarina · 05/09/2022 10:28

What is the point of such a nasty comment?

Mum: My daughter is having surgery and in a vulnerable place, should she be with her best friend?

Response: Well maybe best friend doesn't even want to be around her.

To OP, I think I would check first that this friend is happy to have this responsibility, and I'm sure DD will find new supportive friends even if BF isn't with her. It does sound scary though and I understand why she would want her best friend around. Good luck to her x

Show quote history

Because it’s worth considering before OP approaches the school and volunteers their kid for caring duties.

also, MrsT has dealt with the same situation.

WavePlant · 05/09/2022 10:34

I don’t think the OP is expecting the friend to do all care, just that her daughter sees a friendly face twice a day in form room time. OP, if you’re going to get her moved, try and do it this week ASAP and then maybe organise loads of events with people from her form/other classes/sleep overs etc to try and encourage some other friendships before her surgery and then help facilitate some film screenings/takeaways at yours when she’s up to visitors at home. Be really proactive in keeping her in touch with her school friends as much as you can and not treating her as needing to be kept away but make your house the cool place for them to hang out.
the school will do the wheeling between classes.

a word of warning about the wheelchair, she’ll be in it temporarily so it’ll be a huge old one which is designed to have people push it only. She won’t be able to wheel herself at all and even not being able to turn around to see someone beside you or look at something is really horrible and makes you so vulnerable and absolutely dependent and lack of autonomy so watch out for that.

skgnome · 05/09/2022 10:37

As much as I understand your concern
speak with school first - they are not with their from the whole time, and I’m pretty sure school will appoint different kids to be helpers (they tend to appoint a different kid each day so it doesn’t fall on the same kid)
that’s a brilliant opportunity for your DD to meet new kids, find new friends
and most kids love being “helpers” if anything they get to leave class early / have an excuse to be late - tend to get priority on choosing where they sit for lunch / assembly
just chat to school about your DD’s access requirements - I’m sure they’ll put your mind at ease

watcherintherye · 05/09/2022 10:37

I completely understand where you’re coming from, op, but just from experience with my own dc and their friends, it’s almost counter-productive when children from the same school are placed together in a new one. For those who seek the reassurance of being with their old friends, it’s often hard to deal with those friends branching out, and for those who want to branch out, it’s awkward to feel that there’s an expectation of loyalty to their old friends.

You can’t really ‘engineer’ how secondary school is going to pan out for your child. I would just leave things for now. She may be perfectly ok with things as they are, and quite capable of finding her own way. If in the future she becomes really unhappy, then obviously it would need to be addressed, but I wouldn’t anticipate problems. Hope your dd’s op goes well.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/09/2022 10:38

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/09/2022 09:51

Speak to the friends mother and see if she will join forces with you and reunite the girls? It's so sad when kids are separated from the only friend they know in class changes.

Don’t do this! It puts the other mum in a really difficult position. Her DD might not feel the same way.

Ive had a text from the mum of my DD (15) friend asking what her DD has done to make her stop being friends - what on Earth am I supposed to say to that?!

Its really a bad idea to interfere with friendships once they get to high-school.

Somethingneedstochange · 05/09/2022 10:40

Ask school about a temporary EHCP plan so she has help around school and any adjustments they might have to make. Do they have a suitable toilet for wheelchairs in school? If not EHCP can fund an appropriate facility. She might need help with getting onto the toilet and you can't expect a friend to do that. It's exhausting enough pushing a child around in a wheelchair. Even more exhausting when the person is a child.

Some schools have a basic fund for children with extra need's with an EHCP plan yet. So they might be able to use that if it's not needed for other children.

georgarina · 05/09/2022 10:42

whumpthereitis · 05/09/2022 10:33

Because it’s worth considering before OP approaches the school and volunteers their kid for caring duties.

also, MrsT has dealt with the same situation.

Show quote history

OK but the comment didn't say any of that, just 'maybe the friend's parents wanted her moved away from your daughter.' Which isn't raising any helpful points, it's just kicking someone when they're down.

Somethingneedstochange · 05/09/2022 10:42

I just want to point out you will be surprised how helpful young people can be when one of they're pier's need extra help. She will make friends and they will all want to sign her plaster if she has one on both legs.

Dyra · 05/09/2022 10:43

Sorry, but YABU.

First. Does the school have a proper plan in place for your daughter to get around the school? When I broke my leg at the end of year 7, it was too impractical for me to move around the school (so many stairs). Then there was getting to and from school. I was reliant on public transport, and there was no way my family or the school could pay for taxis every day. I had a tutor at home to cover the rest of the year. This was 25 years ago though.

Second. Your DD will make new friends. I was the only girl from my yr6 class (2 form year) in my yr7 class (4 form year). I'm about as shy and introverted as they come, and I was the victim of an admin cock up on the very first day, resulting in me having to move forms after lunch. But even I managed to make some friends.

Third. You're expecting a lot from 11 year old girls. This is a job for an adult to do.