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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my child moved to a form with their best friend?

147 replies

JoanneH12 · 05/09/2022 08:34

Hi all, my daughter has just started high school and has been separated from her best friend. They are in no classes together and she doesn't get along with the only girl from primary school she is in form with.

My daughter is about to have major surgery end of Sptenber/October where they're going to break through her both thigh bones and reset them with plates and screws. When she goes back to school she will be in a wheelchair and will need alot of help moving around school. Would it be reasonable for me to ask for her to be moved forms to be with her best friend? I'm also worried friendship groups are going to be made whilst she is at home in bed for 6 weeks and she is going to come back and have no friends in her class.

AIBU to ask for her to be moved form to be with her best friend?

Thanks

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 09:08

this would be really unfair on her friend. What if she makes new friends in the meantime?

LIZS · 05/09/2022 09:10

Have you spoken to the school at all? You need to have a plan put in place as to how she will be able to attend and access the timetable post op. That may include support from her peers but it would be unfair to focus on a particular child.

pimlicoanna · 05/09/2022 09:12

I didn't think that would be fair. I'm sure it will help her to make new friends without having her best friend there. Plus surely an adult would be asked to help her move around the school not another child.

IncompleteSenten · 05/09/2022 09:19

You aren't meaning that you expect the other child to be the one helping her get around are you? Because that would be unacceptable on the school's part.

Re being in the same form. If they have no classes together this will only be a few minutes twice a day to take the register won't it?

passport123 · 05/09/2022 09:19

My daughter was moved to another form from her good friend when they went from Y6 to 7. At my request. It was a toxic suffocating friendship. Now they aren't together all the time, it is a less close but much better friendship.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 05/09/2022 09:21

Friendships are fluid at this age. Reality is they will probably drift into new friendships groups anyway.

very few children who are friends at primary stay close at secondary.

Notimeforaname · 05/09/2022 09:23

Im sorry your daughter is having a difficult time but I think YABU.

It's not her friends job to make her happier at school. This is life, we cant have all of our comforts all the time. We must learn to get on with things as best we can.

Brideandpredjudice · 05/09/2022 09:28

YABU for basically the reasons other people have already said

sheepdogdelight · 05/09/2022 09:33

My DD has mobility issues and, although she can get herself round school, it's sometimes helpful to have the support of others.

As others have said your two statements are contradictory - you can't ask for her to be in more lessons with her best friend, but at the same time bemoan that she won't be making new friendships. It's actually likely that she'll get a lot of attention coming in to school after an operation (and when everyone else has got bored of the instant friends they made in week1).

LaundryBin · 05/09/2022 09:34

That sounds like a tough procedure- hope it goes well for your DD.

It's not reasonable to expect her friend to assist her for such a long period- both girls need to be free to branch out and make new friends. I wonder whether you were imagining her friend helping and this was a way to manage your own worries about how your DD is going to cope. Can I suggest you go into school and have a chat about how it's all going to work with your DD in a wheelchair, what support the school can offer, what assistance will be needed etc etc. Talking it through with the school and having a good workable plan seems the way forward. It can't all be the responsibility of one other pupil however.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/09/2022 09:35

You can't be expecting her best friend to be responsible for helping her move around surely? That's really unfair on the child, wheelchairs are heavy. Your daughter will make new friends. In our secondary school they only are together for the last 20 minutes of a day. The rest it's different classes.

Skiphopbump · 05/09/2022 09:35

This would not be fair on your daughters friend at all.

Your DD is obviously going to have a tough time and may feel isolated especially if she’s not able to access all classes (some schools will keep the child in one room) but it’s not fair to do the same to her friend.

Notjusta · 05/09/2022 09:36

YABU.

I'm really sorry that your DD needs what sounds Ike a major operation, and really shit that it's happening so close to the start of a new school. But as PP have said form lasts a few minutes a day and it isn't fair on her friend to effectively try to make her your DDs carer when she goes back. It's the schools job to make sure your DD can get around etc.

Also I'm she will make loads of new friends 🙂

MatildaTheCat · 05/09/2022 09:39

I think you are panicking. She has a few weeks to make new friends and I’d agree that many of her new classmates will want to volunteer to be her helper. Hopefully that will be a rotating group. Have you discussed this in detail with the school as there will be myriad H&S issues to negotiate.

I had very similar surgeries at secondary school ( not done together though) and had a lot of time off school and also on crutches. I don’t think it affected my friendships too much.

For now focus on promoting the fun of making new friends and let her socialise with her old friend at the weekends. She doesn’t have to disappear from her life just because she’s in a different class.

Bluevelvetsofa · 05/09/2022 09:47

Unless the school has lifts, if she’s in a wheelchair, your daughter will be spending the recuperation time on the ground floor and there may be lessons she can’t go to because of this. I imagine that work will be brought to her in that circumstance and that lessons she can get to, will have someone assist her to start and leave at slightly different times.

Are the school aware of this forthcoming operation. When my granddaughter broke her leg, she wasn’t allowed in school using a wheelchair for a while, for H&S reasons. I think you need to speak to them and have a plan in place. I’ll endorse what several people have said about friendship groups. They rarely stick with the primary ones.

pastaandpesto · 05/09/2022 09:50

Your poor DD, that sounds terribly tough. I'm not surprised you are feeling worried and protective, and would like her to have the reassurance of being in class with her best friend.

It does sound like too much of a responsibility though. When my DC broke their arm in Y7, they had a couple of nominated friends to help them carry their bag between lessons for a few weeks. They were also allowed to leave lessons early to avoid the crush, so everyone wanted that job! This sounds like a much bigger responsibility though. Will she need assistance with accessing toilets, for example?

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/09/2022 09:51

Speak to the friends mother and see if she will join forces with you and reunite the girls? It's so sad when kids are separated from the only friend they know in class changes.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 05/09/2022 09:52

Does the school even have a lift?
i haven’t come across them in old buildings as they cannot be retro-fitted.

It will be the head of year you need to make an appointment with as quickly as possible so a plan of action can be done. Not only for when she returns but also for the recovery time at home. If she will still be on medication this also needs to be sorted out as it won’t be allowed to remain in her bag.

If there is no lift you might find that her lessons are remote.

forlornlorna1 · 05/09/2022 09:56

I just thought. My dd goes to an alternative provision school that also has a hospital school attached. Teachers go to children recovering from surgeries or having ongoing treatment to help them stay on top of their studies. Don't know if there's one in your area? I know school can apply

Somethingneedstochange · 05/09/2022 09:58

If she's a true friend she will be there for her. I broke my kneecap at 11 my best friend helped me around school carrying my bag while I was on crutches. She was in my form but moved away with her family at the end of first year.

There was a girl in another form I had played with in junior school. She was friends with a group of girls and they became my friends. My best friend to this day (not the girl I knew from junior school) though she's still a good friend we just drifted apart. We have been there for each other through thick and thin.

GlitteryGreen · 05/09/2022 09:58

I wouldn't worry too much about form as it's literally a few mins a day, it won't make much difference. If your daughter needs it, her best friend can still help her to form and to wherever she needs to be after break and lunch.

Hopefully once she starts your DD will realise she knows a few people in each of her classes so will have help there too if necessary.

It is a shame she hasn't been put with even one friend in form but I think it happens fairly often.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 05/09/2022 09:58

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/09/2022 09:51

Speak to the friends mother and see if she will join forces with you and reunite the girls? It's so sad when kids are separated from the only friend they know in class changes.

Op might find that her dd has been talking about this expected care for some time and her mum has requested they be split as a result.

Unless a request has been made to split them, friends are usually placed together. One of the questions parents get asked is if there is anyone you want in/out of the form group.
Year 6 teachers are also asked about friendship groups unless this has recently changed.

Once their first lot of tests are done classes might change due to the Sets they are placed in.

HowzAboutIt · 05/09/2022 10:00

Is the friend's parents happy for their DD to help yours?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 05/09/2022 10:04

Good luck to your dd with her operation.
As terrifying as a first day is, let her go in and make new friends. My very quiet dd was split from everyone she knew in her form, but it just helped to extend the friendship group. My dd and her bf got back together at lunchtimes along with the other new friend they picked up along the way.
I would be speaking to school about what disability provisions they have in school, to make certain that your dd get to enjoy a full school experience whilst she is in her wheelchair.

bluevioletsky · 05/09/2022 10:04

Mine was on crutches for ages last year following an accident and they only let him use the lift if he could actually get down stairs in case of fire. If he couldn’t do that he had to stay in the base and work would be sent to him.
He got to choose a friend to act as lift buddy and leave each class 5mins early to avoid the scrum in the corridors but they changed depending on class not the same one each time.
BTW for those saying only in form class for 15mins a day not necessarily in all schools- with ours they are in their form classes for most things in S1 and still a lot in S2.

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