Husband texted escorts

[Cantbelieveit12]

I was on holiday with our children and he texted three escorts. He said he didn't meet them. I'm devastated. He's in work now and refusing to talk to me.

So essentially the conclusion is that he felt bad about losing his hair and instead of redoubling his commitment to his family and the woman he now says he values, instead of seeking fulfillment and validation from his life partner, he decided to use other women to boost his fragile ego. He did this to show himself that he has power. His money gave him power over the women he has been contacting.

Also - all that money. Why was it kept separately from the family pot?

And does he think he's paying you to stay onside? More power?

And poor op fell for it. He must be having a laugh, in fact it is. Lose your hair and it's ok to contact escorts. He was just caught that's all. A man who has gone through the process of finding an escort and most probably using them, has already thrown the marriage away.

Well done for talking to people you trust about this. Don’t protect him from the reactions of others. He needs to be deeply ashamed and to acknowledge that he is entirely responsible for this situation.
ps, I am on meds for hair-loss. It’s not that.

@Cantbelieveit12 All I will say is take that cash, every offer, take it!! You might need it in the future. Don't do the 'oh it doesn't matter' -

Good luck OP. Maybe you will be OK with this set up going forward or maybe you will tire of supervising your husband.

I don't know but I guess your eyes have been opened and you have made your decision for now.

The palpable sense of disdain from some other posters, who feel you should have LTB is nasty.

I sincerely hope one day you value yourelf enough to know that he is not a good man. Anyone who wants to coerce sex from vulnerable women with his money & power over them is a cunt.

You seem to have taken responsibilty - you apparently "dropped the ball" or whatever phrase you used .... He could've spoken to you about it if he felt you weren't warm/affectionate/positive/enthusiastic/affectio giving enough.

That's what a decent person would do; not look up and message prostitutes.

You're being had.

You're actually having yourself.

I knew it would be "but I haven't been ABC and ...."

He could discuss it with you, if discussing it with you led to no consistent change, he could separate.

There is no excuse/opening to contacting sex workers.

I also have severe doubts about the hair loss medication. So one person was suidcidal.on them, where does feeling suicidal and looking up and contacting prostitutes cross over? Usually suicidal and depressed people have no interest in sex.

Likewise a poster on here is on the medication and says that's not it.

As I said, you're being had/having yourself.

First it was curiousity to see what services they offer .... Everyone knows and why would you need to check if you don't plan to.use them? Then loneliness - except you two were in contact regularly and he had the opportunity to socialise with his brother that he turned down. Now it's your inattention/lack of enthusiasm/lack of affection (which he couldn't talk to you about, instead his solution was to message prostitutes - riiiight) and then the bizarre medication side effects claim.

Stop taking responsibility for this.

As for the "transparency" ..... You should never ever have to be your partner's bank manager, nanny, supervisor, patrol officer, mammy, moral guardian .... Checking what they're doing and spending because they contacted sex workers, that's completely fucked up.n

*attention giving enough

He's got you taking responsibility for his indefensible actions, and is using the "open book, have access to everything, oversee all my finances and communications, let's turn out marriage into a nanny state" technique to get you to accept this.

No relationship/marriage should have to be like that.

I'm sorry to say it but your certainty that he hasnt done anything doesn't seem to fit with your instincts that he noticeably was off, cocky, arrogant etc when you met him after this whole episode.

Oh yikes. You’re worth so much more than this. Good luck. He will do it again, not for a while but he’s shown you what he really thinks of women.

I’d also be fucking insulted that he’s buying you off. But hey, it’s 2022, you can buy sex and you can buy your spouse’s forgiveness.

(I'm just still wondering why he was cocky and arrogant and weird if he "all" (!) he did was message 3 prostitutes and then ignore their responses later that evening. Does he get that much satisfaction out of knowing how to contact them, out of knowing he has the option of using them??

Something stinks to high heaven about that (about him really) and you seem to be in panic, preservation, self blaming (and medication blaming) mode.

Fact is there's no medication in the world that'll make someone think about using prostitutes, look them up and contact 3 of them ... Nor is there any type of depression in the world that dictates that. There's stuff going on in his head (Inc his values) that you are not a party too, and he'll never make you a party to, because he knows you'd leave.

I’d also be fucking insulted that he’s buying you off

Yeah, he's properly pushing the boat out in making sure his wife doesn't get rid of him.

Monitor all my accounts!
Have my savings!
It's the hair loss medication - it changed me into a different person!

Perhaps it's the hair transplant ... Wasn't there an episode of the Simpsons where a hair transplant made the recipient into a different person; maybe it's that.

Could I just say that a man who goes to the extent of having a hair transplant is one who's apparently not very happy with growing old, his looks changing, be iming middle aged etc ... Quite focused on looks, (apparent) youth, aging etc. Perhaps that gives more insight into why he's also browsing and contacting presumably younger women who are sex workers, and apparently having some kind of mid life crisis.

Good luck for the future OP. I hope things work out. X

I dropped the ball myself. DH is very affectionate and loving and I'm not. He is always full of ideas to do things together and I can be very negative and pessimistic. I was taking him for granted a lot. This is coming from me not him. I feel like I always had a wall up due to my childhood and never fully let him in

And how was sex with prostitutes (or even the idea of it) going to solve any of these apparent relationship problems?

It is generally an hour or so max - even with a "girlfriend experience" it's maybe a massage, wine, a fuck, a short chat ... With the clock being watched, discretely or not; how does that solve the problems in your relationship, your apparent"lack"?

He's not getting anything you mention from them. It's the sexual equivalent of getting your oil changed, with minimal, superficial conversation (if even that, many prostitutes have little English, the punters comment on it all the time) so why would those issues be an excuse/explanation for buying sex from prostitutes (or even contemplating it)?

Is it that your "lack" and the problems in the relationship entitled him to think about having sex with other women? (Behind your back).

I'm lost as to why these are linked?

The use of prostitutes (or even contemplated use) wouldn't solve any of them.

It wouldn't give him what you're apparently lacking and it wouldn't change you.

All it would do is introduce infidelity (and with sex workers at that) into your marriage and family.

And how do these issues entitle him to sex outside the marriage withoug your knowledge or agreement?

Don't fall for this shite.
I'd urge you to not make decisions on this now. As with infidelity, you make your decision in your own sweet time, as and when it suits you; staying now does not mean you have to stay permanently.

I dropped the ball myself. DH is very affectionate and loving and I'm not. He is always full of ideas to do things together and I can be very negative and pessimistic. I was taking him for granted a lot. This is coming from me not him. I feel like I always had a wall up due to my childhood and never fully let him in. My health has not been great over the years and he has always been so kind and loving and patient. He works very long hours but has no problem helping out with kids,homework,cooking,housework,often telling me to sit down and relax

That's very honest and principled of you, OP, and naturally this is your decision to make. However do remember that the decent thing to do if he felt the marriage had become impossible would be to leave rather than approach prostitutes, and the fact this was the route he chose says rather a lot about him and his underlying attitude to women

You mentioned upthread that you can find it difficult to "let things go", and yet if this is to work that's exactly what you'll need to do in time. Maybe it's worthwhile having a deep think about whether you can do it, and also if he'll be understanding while you try, remembering his own major part in this?

This is coming from me not him

You're coming up with excuses yourself for why he'd be unhappy; but even if he was (which he doesn't appear to have expressed, aside from an outburst that mentioned work and stuff (?) and not you or your relationship) .... Using prostitutes would not be a solution to his unhappiness due to any of the factors you've fixed on about yourself.

Even the most naive person knows prostitutes are not offering a fuzzy, warm, time heavy, generous, attentive, loving, emotional experience of connection. They perform sexual services for money. With multiple people on an ongoing basis. You don't look at prostitutes profiles online with their arses in the air in lingerie, and think "they look good for emotional intimacy and bonding and warmth .... Like seriously.

The only "unhappiness" they'd solve for him would be due to him wanting to have sex with women who are not his wife.

I've written too many novels on this thread, so I'll try to stop and just say;

Please do consider, op, that his contemplated infidelity (and dipping of the toe re. infidelity) is not due to any lack of failure on your part; but due to a lack (of integry for example) on his.

Maybe he just dilorsbt fancy being "only" Mr balding/receding, approaching middle age, monogamous, family man who.hss oy had sex with one woman for decades and will continue to do s TDDYP; if he doesn't get it elsewhere. He doesn't want to be honest about that and blow his set up our of the water, with all the losses and disadvantages that entails.

How desperate he's acting while looking down the barrel of the separation & divorce gun, goes to show just how reluctant he would be to end his marriage to pursue his "wants" and why he'd consider doing it on the sly; again, that's his lack of integrity. You've been no different for your entire relationship, and it hasn't "caused" infidelity that you know of; the change is him.

....I feel like I always had a wall up due to my childhood...

Maybe your childhood has made you good at blaming yourself for other people's shit behaviour towards you.

also found a picture on his phone he had taken on holiday. It was in the bathroom after his shower and he just had his towel wrapped around his bottom half. He said he took it to see if he lost weight!

Hair transplants, bathroom selfies in waist towels, messages to 3 different prostitutes in one day while you were away from home with the kids, talk of leaving and working abroad (with his kids conveniently left behind as your full-time responsibility) if you weren't to let the prostitute messaging go and stay in the marriage...... Your h doesn't seem trustworthy, I'm sorry.

Stop looking for "failures" in yourself to justify his behaviour.

He had a number of (decent) routes to go if he truly felt you were emotionally unavailable or negative or whatever ... None of which are above.

I’d bet my house that he has another email address, a fabswingers or adult friend finder account and was getting no where on those, hence why he messaged the escorts.

I would bet my first born child that he was cocky and arrogant as one of those escorts replied to him, telling him he is hot (schmooze the potential customer).

wish you well op

I dropped the ball myself. DH is very affectionate and loving and I'm not. He is always full of ideas to do things together and I can be very negative and pessimistic. I was taking him for granted a lot. This is coming from me not him. I feel like I always had a wall up due to my childhood and never fully let him in.

....So many texts and phone calls when I was away telling me how much he loved me,missed me and we would have a great time when he joined us.

On skim reading this thread; these two don't really fit.

You're saying he's unhappy partly due to your/your relationship but the second part doesn't make him sound unhappy. And you were responding, replying etc positively.

You're going for a narrative (partly blaming yourself) that doesn't seem true to explain why he'd be unhappy and think about cheating; maybe he's just hit typical mid life crisis potential cheater stage etc.

He came out and said he'd been unhappy for a while after being caught messaging the prostitutes but not before.

The only thing was some kind of outburst about stress, work etc (?) but not you or your relationship.

You're twisting yourself in knots for why he'd become a potential cheater, as though it has to be you/your fault, big often that's just not the case, it's them.