Page 6 | Husband texted escorts

Cantbelieveit12 · 2022-09-05T07:07:39+00:00

I was on holiday with our children and he texted three escorts. He said he didn't meet them. I'm devastated. He's in work now and refusing to talk to me.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/09/2022 12:46

I totally agree@LemonDrop22 . A complete set of different standards expected by the other half - I think they expect us to just 'move on' mentally but not physically.

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 13:49

At the risk of being repetitive, this man shows considerable arrogance and apparent indifference/ruthlessness in this situation.... Stone walling followed by ultimatums.

The latter ultimatum involving him essentially walking away from his family and having only financial responsibility (if he honours it if he's not in a country that had reciprocal child maintenance arrangements with the UK) and very minimal contact/responsibility of any other kind.

He clearly feels, even caught in this way, that he calls the shots.

I wonder is op being a ft sahm part of his mentality, he sees her a trapped and subject to him.

Whether his apparent indifference, willingness to "walk" is real or not .... But the fact that he's apparently already given himself permission to seek sex outside the marriage does not suggest respect and string investment.

On that tangent, op, you said you checked his phone because of an instinct about his behaviour when he joined you on holiday; have you ever felt things to be off in that way before?

It's odd he would suddenly start doing something like that out of the blue.

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 13:51

*strong, obviously

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 14:04

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 13:49

At the risk of being repetitive, this man shows considerable arrogance and apparent indifference/ruthlessness in this situation.... Stone walling followed by ultimatums.

The latter ultimatum involving him essentially walking away from his family and having only financial responsibility (if he honours it if he's not in a country that had reciprocal child maintenance arrangements with the UK) and very minimal contact/responsibility of any other kind.

He clearly feels, even caught in this way, that he calls the shots.

I wonder is op being a ft sahm part of his mentality, he sees her a trapped and subject to him.

Whether his apparent indifference, willingness to "walk" is real or not .... But the fact that he's apparently already given himself permission to seek sex outside the marriage does not suggest respect and string investment.

On that tangent, op, you said you checked his phone because of an instinct about his behaviour when he joined you on holiday; have you ever felt things to be off in that way before?

It's odd he would suddenly start doing something like that out of the blue.

I refused point blank to be a SAHM I only went back part time but glad I did because when my ex showed his true colours I did not feel completely helpless. Oh my ex wanted me to be at home, he did not want to do any childcare and I was more cut off from people in general. Regardless though anyone can find a job, especially at the moment. My company can not fill the vacancies, there are no applicants and it's a good company.

I use the after school club for my daughter some days and she likes it. Due to being single I get a percentage of my child care costs back.

I love make up, clothes and eating out. Still buy these things just not as often. I'd have my life now any day over the one with my ex.

Original poster

Cantbelieveit12 · 06/09/2022 14:15

@LemonDrop22, I have never had any suspicions whatsoever and this was the first time I ever checked his phone. When he joined us on holiday he was different, hard to explain. He was cocky and arrogant which caught be of guard because he's not like that. I would never in a million years expected him to do anything. He rang me one of the first few days I was away and he was crying. He said he didn't know how he felt,that his head was messed up and he was stressed with work. His brother called over to him and tried to get him out of the house but my husband refused.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 06/09/2022 14:23

He rang me one of the first few days I was away and he was crying.
That'll be the guilt.

Yes he says he'll go to counselling but he couldn't give a fuck that you need to talk it out or have concerns. He wants you to shut up and leave him alone about it.

My guess is the offer for counselling is to shut you up also. Hes treating you appallingly op.

Are you considering leaving him at all?

If not, the only way forward is to have lots of talks about it, your feelings, his remorse etc. But he doesn't want to give you that.

Original poster

Cantbelieveit12 · 06/09/2022 15:20

@Notimeforaname, He texted the escorts after this. I thought it was the same weekend he rang me crying because he felt guilty but it wasn't. He texted them about 7 days after the crying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantbelieveit12 · 06/09/2022 15:25

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to be around him. I'm not a forgive and forget person. I hold a grudge. I know I can't let it go. I know I will always bring it up. He has me questioning everything about myself and our marriage. We had plans for an extension,Christmas, next year. He was excited and pushing for all of it. He tells me today that he's been unhappy for a while. So many texts and phone calls when I was away telling me how much he loved me,missed me and we would have a great time when he joined us. I told him I don't want to do couples counselling. He has booked 6 sessions for himself through his job. He says he needs it for himself.

OP posts:

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 16:01

Cantbelieveit12 · 06/09/2022 14:15

@LemonDrop22, I have never had any suspicions whatsoever and this was the first time I ever checked his phone. When he joined us on holiday he was different, hard to explain. He was cocky and arrogant which caught be of guard because he's not like that. I would never in a million years expected him to do anything. He rang me one of the first few days I was away and he was crying. He said he didn't know how he felt,that his head was messed up and he was stressed with work. His brother called over to him and tried to get him out of the house but my husband refused.

I’m not an expert but I’ve read a lot of psychology books it genuinely interests me. The arrogant behaviour could be dupers delight. It’s a term. My ex was once acting like this, like he was lording something over me. Your gut never lies. Some people get a kick out of getting away with something.

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 16:20

*We had plans for an extension,Christmas, next year. He was excited and pushing for all of it.

So many texts and phone calls when I was away telling me how much he loved me,missed me and we would have a great time when he joined us*

He tells me today that he's been unhappy for a while.

Ah the history rewrite and massive issues he has been dealing with (without letting you know), now that he's been caught contacting prostitutes.

His crying call v recently seems to be the single instance of him communicating any issues (?) Interesting that his apparent way of dealing with issues is to look up and contact sex workers.

Also interesting that he suffers a type of loneliness where you turn down company with your sibling (with whom he's presumably on good terms) but seek out contact with total strangers who offer sexual services.

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 16:27

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 16:01

I’m not an expert but I’ve read a lot of psychology books it genuinely interests me. The arrogant behaviour could be dupers delight. It’s a term. My ex was once acting like this, like he was lording something over me. Your gut never lies. Some people get a kick out of getting away with something.

Show quote history

This is a possibility.

How long was there between him messaging the 3 sex workers and joining you on holiday? He could have gotten a response from one more, met one, deleted any other comms and blocked the numbers .... And the story about one of more getting back to him that night, him being freaked out, and him blocking their numbers could be BS.

If you couldn't see their responses (even the ones he says he ignored later that night) then he's deleted them.

(Unless they only called him, which seems odd. I got the impression they usually message).

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 16:28

*one or more

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 16:31

I presumed when you said he had a weird attitude when he joined you on the holiday that you meant something like uncomfortable/sheepish/shady/guilty .... Not cocky.

Cocky does raise alarm bells. It's a v odd way to be if you've only contacted sex workers, then got freaked out, ignored their responses and blocked them. What would you have to be cocky about.

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 17:08

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 16:31

I presumed when you said he had a weird attitude when he joined you on the holiday that you meant something like uncomfortable/sheepish/shady/guilty .... Not cocky.

Cocky does raise alarm bells. It's a v odd way to be if you've only contacted sex workers, then got freaked out, ignored their responses and blocked them. What would you have to be cocky about.

www.quora.com/Why-do-narcissists-experience-duping-delight-by-triangulating-people

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 17:12

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 16:31

I presumed when you said he had a weird attitude when he joined you on the holiday that you meant something like uncomfortable/sheepish/shady/guilty .... Not cocky.

Cocky does raise alarm bells. It's a v odd way to be if you've only contacted sex workers, then got freaked out, ignored their responses and blocked them. What would you have to be cocky about.

Copied wrong link and don’t know how to delete it. That’s not what I meant to post

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 17:14

Only MN can delete I think, if you report the post.

Redqueenheart · 06/09/2022 17:27

Your husband is showing you complete disrespect.

I would bet that he had been doing this for a while before you caught him red handed/

The rest is just a bunch of excuses, '' I never planned to meet them'', ''I was lonely''...

Original poster

Cantbelieveit12 · 13/09/2022 20:11

I just wanted to give an update as I was so appreciative to everybody who posted last week. Its been a very tough week.

DH took last Wednesday of work so we could talk about what happened. Lots of tears and regret from him,lots of tears and anger from me. What has happened:

He started counselling last Saturday.
Said he would change his phone number and sync it with mine so I can check his google history going forward.
Showed me bank account and revolut- no transfers or withdrawal of cash.
Got the camera footage up.
Gave me his bank logins.
Offered to transfer any savings he has into my account to prove he is not hiding anything and wants to be a family-it's a significant amount of money.
Is due cash back from tax and wants me to have it ,again a significant sum.
Has been totally open and transparent about everything.

I told his brother what happened and he was shocked and disgusted and told DH of. His brother did say that he wasn't the same when I was away and this was before I told his brother what happened. My DH got a hair transplant last December and has been taking medication to stop hair loss again. BIL mentioned this to me as his friend was on the same tablets and had to stop as he was having suicidal thoughts and his partner said he wasnt himself.

We googled the side effects and these tablets are lethal and should never have been prescribed so easily. DH flushed them down the toilet immediately.

I've decided to stay and work on things. DH has never given me any reason to doubt him before.I probably sound like I'm making excuses but in my heart and head I know he didn't sleep with the escorts. Yes the intent was there but there are a lot of reasons why he did it. I dropped the ball myself. DH is very affectionate and loving and I'm not. He is always full of ideas to do things together and I can be very negative and pessimistic. I was taking him for granted a lot. This is coming from me not him. I feel like I always had a wall up due to my childhood and never fully let him in. My health has not been great over the years and he has always been so kind and loving and patient. He works very long hours but has no problem helping out with kids,homework,cooking,housework,often telling me to sit down and relax.

I have to understand that he wasn't in a good place I've been there myself and done things ourt of character. He wants his family more than anything and so do I.

OP posts:

economicervix · 13/09/2022 20:26

Yikes. Ah well, good luck with surveilling the man who wants to use sex workers.

Original poster

Cantbelieveit12 · 13/09/2022 20:28

He has offered. I didn't ask.

OP posts:

economicervix · 13/09/2022 20:31

‘Tablets made me want to coerce sex out of women!’
Come on. Hope you realise there’s a better life out there, one day.

DarceyG · 13/09/2022 20:36

Cantbelieveit12 · 13/09/2022 20:11

I just wanted to give an update as I was so appreciative to everybody who posted last week. Its been a very tough week.

DH took last Wednesday of work so we could talk about what happened. Lots of tears and regret from him,lots of tears and anger from me. What has happened:

He started counselling last Saturday.
Said he would change his phone number and sync it with mine so I can check his google history going forward.
Showed me bank account and revolut- no transfers or withdrawal of cash.
Got the camera footage up.
Gave me his bank logins.
Offered to transfer any savings he has into my account to prove he is not hiding anything and wants to be a family-it's a significant amount of money.
Is due cash back from tax and wants me to have it ,again a significant sum.
Has been totally open and transparent about everything.

I told his brother what happened and he was shocked and disgusted and told DH of. His brother did say that he wasn't the same when I was away and this was before I told his brother what happened. My DH got a hair transplant last December and has been taking medication to stop hair loss again. BIL mentioned this to me as his friend was on the same tablets and had to stop as he was having suicidal thoughts and his partner said he wasnt himself.

We googled the side effects and these tablets are lethal and should never have been prescribed so easily. DH flushed them down the toilet immediately.

I've decided to stay and work on things. DH has never given me any reason to doubt him before.I probably sound like I'm making excuses but in my heart and head I know he didn't sleep with the escorts. Yes the intent was there but there are a lot of reasons why he did it. I dropped the ball myself. DH is very affectionate and loving and I'm not. He is always full of ideas to do things together and I can be very negative and pessimistic. I was taking him for granted a lot. This is coming from me not him. I feel like I always had a wall up due to my childhood and never fully let him in. My health has not been great over the years and he has always been so kind and loving and patient. He works very long hours but has no problem helping out with kids,homework,cooking,housework,often telling me to sit down and relax.

I have to understand that he wasn't in a good place I've been there myself and done things ourt of character. He wants his family more than anything and so do I.

I don’t want to say anything negative really because you have made your made mind up but wow I couldn’t live like that. I’m single and it’s really nice. There’s never ever a reason to live like that. Best of luck anyways

DarceyG · 13/09/2022 20:40

The hair loss medication excuse though. That’s really scraping the barrel.

LuckyLil · 13/09/2022 20:42

DarceyG · 13/09/2022 20:40

The hair loss medication excuse though. That’s really scraping the barrel.

Yeah, caution: May make you text prostitutes while wife and kids are on holiday...

flutterbyfly · 13/09/2022 22:10

Not just a river in Egypt eh?