Husband texted escorts

[Cantbelieveit12]

I was on holiday with our children and he texted three escorts. He said he didn't meet them. I'm devastated. He's in work now and refusing to talk to me.

You urgently need access to that bank account. Half of it is yours by law. How come there isn't a joint account?

You need to phone estate agents as soon as you get home and arrange for valuations of the family home. It's been recently painted so it should look nice. Tell him what you're doing. You can play hardball here too.

You need to find a solicitor ASAP.

In 2006 my partner left his computer on and I discovered he'd been seeing prostitutes and was arranging to see more. I didn't chuck him out. 16 years later we are still together in a bitter relationship. I have never forgiven him and don't trust him. I wish I'd had the guts to get rid of him years ago. Please get rid of your husband now, if you don't it will get much worse.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how you must have felt when you saw the messages 😔
I'd tell him to shove his apology up his arse! It seems as if he's trying to make you feel sorry for him by going quiet and in a sulk. Is he expecting you to just forgive and forget what he's done?
The abroad thing sounds like he wants you to beg and plead with with him not to go just to make himself feel better.
I really do feel for you OP. Some may not agree, but in my opinion things like this are no different than cheating. You must feel absolutely devastated and so betrayed.

"I felt lonely" 🙄 Oh well boohoo Bell-end!!
We all feel lonely from time to time but we aren't all texting escorts.

You've got plenty of people here to turn to...Sending hugs!

He saw an opportunity though and grabbed it with both hands. You don’t see what he is doing online at work. He is lying to you 100% it completely up to you if you choose forgiveness but this is a huge mess that will come back to haunt you. He is all in. If you’re happy to live with a man sleeping with other people and you can turn a blind eye that’s fine. Lots of people do that. It would make me physically sick every single day m.

What's called a timeline @Sunnyqueen?
Your follow up post makes no more sense than your previous.

WhyTF are you suggesting soap opera nonsense as a way forward to OP?
And do you realise that it's illegal to lock a homeowner out of their home?

They always find a way, you often hear people who have been cheated on say their dp had taken half days off work. Early finishes, lunch breaks. Dog walks, visiting family, shopping, appointments, dp gone on holiday...
It sounds like you're trying to say you know he hasn't cheated because you know where he is every minute.
The thing is you really don't. Don't kid yourself he's a lying sleaze and what he's done and the way he's treating you now is disgusting.

It makes me sad to read posts like this then OP disappears and you just know they’ve decided living this life is better than uprooting their life completely. It’s horrible, it abuse but they choose to stay until the eventually the man leaves anyway because they find a fresh new toy. I get invested because I live with an absolute fuck head and I cannot even imagine being there now.😏

Your posts are spot on Lemondrop. This is all exactly the script my ex used when I caught him messaging other women. He never met up with them of course!

When someone is living a double life it’s only a matter of time. Even if this is forgiven he will be off anyway because he’s knows the gig is up. I’m going to avoid responding to posts like this because it’s frustrating

I haven't disappeared. I'm dealing with a lot tonight.

@Cantbelieveit12 please don't feel you have to update- some people have a tendency to expect hourly updates - to be frank when shit hit the fan in my life- I didn't look at my phone for 2 days !

Only is a bullshit excuse. If he was lonely he could have messaged I don't know say HIS WIFE telling her he missed her or turned up early as a surprise. Instead he seemed out the number of not 1 but 3 escorts. He then went to the effort of contacting them all. That's not being lonely that's being a scumbag.

Seeked

Women never forget what they’ve forgiven.

And as if he didnt meet them, what a crock

Apologies I know you have a lot to deal with. You don’t need to update. It’s just awful that women have to deal with this and I wish you could just get away from him. Easier said than done I know.

Today I feel like my heart and head will explode. He wants to go to counselling. He told me to check the security cameras on the house to see that he didn't go anywhere. Communication is mostly by text as he is in work and kids were in the house last night. I just want to scream in his face and physically hurt him. I'm totally drained today,literally cannot move.

Today I feel like my heart and head will explode.
And BREATHE ...
Count while you breathe - 8 counts in, 8 counts out. And slow that count down.
Recite to yourself - just in your head if need be - "this is just a feeling & it too shall pass"
Name 5 red things in your house.
Do these things when you get overwhelmed OP. How you are feeling is perfectly normal. Allow it to come & go. It will lessen, as you gain more knowledge & control (lawyer).

He wants to go to counselling.
DO NOT ATTEND COUNSELLING WITH THIS ABUSIVE MAN.
See my previous posts for why.

He told me to check the security cameras on the house to see that he didn't go anywhere.
Ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahah
He didn't leave the house for an entire week/fortnight? What a tool he is to imagine you'd fall for this one.
Like - cameras can't be disabled, the footage can't be meddled with.

As PP have observed - how likely is it, that the only time you check his phone, is the SOLE time he messaged (three!!) escorts?

Communication is mostly by text as he is in work and kids were in the house last night. I just want to scream in his face and physically hurt him.
Can you go somewhere remote & scream?
It's cathartic, & more effective at releasing tensions than screaming at a man who will 1) DARVO you 2) use it to paint you as the crazy wife.

I'm totally drained today,literally cannot move.
Are you working today?
If not - give in to the drained feeling. Let yourself lie down. Ignore the housework. Just do what is necessary to keep you & the kids bubbling along.

Also - you are allowed to find small enjoyments. What little thing can you think of that would give you/DC happiness right now? A respite, like a tiny oasis in a desert of horrible feelings?
Do some of that.
And keep posting. Not that you owe any of us updates! - but use this space to vent in safety, & keep planning your way out.

I went to counseling with my ex and had to sit and listen to how it was my fault he’d cheated. The cheating was the symptom - his bit of the disease - my fault of course 🙄
£500 to be told i should have opened my legs more, stuff that.

I'd have a very skeptical view of counselling with cheaters and wannabe/potential cheaters (bad enough with non prostitutes, but a whole extra element with prostitutes).

The counselling is a tool for them to, at the very least, buy time; at most as a get out of jail free card.

Even not particularly shit counsellors can be fooled by abusers and also drawn into the psycho babble "there's responsibility all round" mentality. Well, when one partner is faithful and wouldn't dream of trying to cheat, and the other is not; there's not really responsibility all round....

And no excuses and justification are really valid. If you don't want to be monogamous any more for whatever reasons, ask for an open marriage, or tell your partner the truth and pursue as amicable as possible a separation. Yes they might be broken hearted for a while but at least it would be honest, at least you wouldn't be risking their sexual health, lying to their face, taking their agency away in their life, spending your family money on sex workers etc. etc.
Those are the choices, not easy, but .... Entering into an exclusive, monogamous relationship and creating a family is a big thing, as big it can get; so dissolving it is also a big thing, a major decision with major consequences. There are no back doors for your ease and convenience.

In this case he's also using it as coercion/black mail .. counselling or we split and I move abroad and leave you a single Mum.

This man has very low integrity all round.

If he’s lonely, why not text a friend or call the Samaritans or (shock horror) speak to his wife?

Worst excuse I’ve ever heard.

He isn’t invested in your relationship or in his family. He is shutting down communication and attacking you for challenging him when literally the only acceptable communication from him would be begging on his knees for forgiveness. He wants to move abroad, presumably because now you know what he gets up to it’s just too much hassle for him to deal with the fallout. He’d rather just ditch you and the kids, but keep you hanging on at home for his convenience.

RE the escorts, decent men don’t just wake up one day in their 30s/40s/50s etc and decide that now is the time to start viewing women as objects whose bodies can be bought for sexual fulfilment. I very, very much doubt that this is his first time paying for sex. He wasn’t texting to “find out what they do”. We all know what escorts do.

Can I just say that it regardless of if he did/didn't follow through , the intention and sleazy side of him thought it was fine to do it.

It's one thing some men just don't seem to 'get' - it's not just whether you actually cheated or not it's also the intentions and sleaze that bugger trust and make you see someone in a totally new and poor light. It's the same with emotional affairs- it's not all about whether you actually had sex with someone, it's the fact you were disloyal and very unkind and didn't respect your partner.

I think you need to choose between the life you deserve. Being alone and not worrying about this bullshit man and perhaps one day in a relationship with someone who shares finances. Instead of with a two faced prick who does what he wants and bullies you into submission when hes caught. He knows you'll stay. That's why he did it. Because he can. Hes relying on his judgement that he thinks you'll get upset for a while and eventually make enough excuses to yourself to justify your decision to stay with him because its easier than leaving.

First he tried ignoring you, then he threatened moving away and implying you'll he destitute. Now its counselling. Its pathetic. You deserve more than a life of worrying about his crap.

Even just what he has put you through over the last 2 days has been nasty. I honestly feel really bad for you, I know what it is like when something blows up in your face and you feel like your head is going side ways. Then you have children to look after and try to act as normal as possible.

I really hope you can see a way out and you can be strong. He is not worth any of this trauma. That is what it is and he is playing down like it is nothing.

It's one thing some men just don't seem to 'get' - it's not just whether you actually cheated or not it's also the intentions and sleaze that bugger trust and make you see someone in a totally new and poor light.

Such men would get this very well indeed if it was their wife or partner who was browsing and messaging male escorts or men on dating/hookup/whatever sites ..... They choose not to have the same standards for both partners, they choose not to offer their partner equality, they choose not to imagine reverse circumstances, they choose not to have integrity, they choose to conveniently not get it.

(I've found many such men are often puritanical, judgemental, verging on controlling, jealous, possessive etc. of their own partners to boot).