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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband texted escorts

172 replies

Cantbelieveit12 · 05/09/2022 08:07

I was on holiday with our children and he texted three escorts. He said he didn't meet them. I'm devastated. He's in work now and refusing to talk to me.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 05/09/2022 13:37

@Cantbelieveit12 - exactly as @KettrickenSmiled said- anything that needs to be halted that could impact you- please try and find the strength to do it .

You need to try and not be drawn in by his desparate tactics- he knows he's totally blown it - because it could be true- could be absolute bullshit and he's done this before too. I don't think you will be able to get past that thought, even though at the time it feels like an easier option to some extent.

Concentrate on making sure you have money you can access and your kids- and seeing a solicitor- all totally awful I know.

What a total twat- I hugely feel for you , try and make sure you keep hydrated and write lists of practical things if it helps at all. So many people on here have had similar experiences and do know how you are feeling.

mamabear715 · 05/09/2022 13:42

@Cantbelieveit12
Just wanted to say I'm sorry.. :-(

oiltrader · 05/09/2022 13:46

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 13:26

For FUCKSAKE.

Help?
See who, @oiltrader - an escort?

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of course not!!

like a therapist. he must be suffering with depression or something

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 13:57

oiltrader · 05/09/2022 13:46

of course not!!

like a therapist. he must be suffering with depression or something

Show quote history

Ringing round escorts to arrange to pay them for sex is NOT a symptom of depression @oiltrader

HTH

oiltrader · 05/09/2022 14:01

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 13:57

Ringing round escorts to arrange to pay them for sex is NOT a symptom of depression @oiltrader

HTH

Show quote history

are you clinically qualified to say that? or just your lay person opinion

thecatsthecats · 05/09/2022 14:03

What a coincidence that the first time he did it he got caught...

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 14:07

No man just texts escorts.

Get a solicitor, as soon as humanly possible, before your husband does. He knows he's on his way out the door.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 14:09

oiltrader · 05/09/2022 14:01

are you clinically qualified to say that? or just your lay person opinion

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Yes thanks.
Although a layperson is also qualified to look up the symptoms in the DSM.

Enlighten us all @oiltrader - what exactly are YOUR 'qualifications' to diagnose depression as a cause of cheating with sex workers, lying about it, & stonewalling your wife for finding out?

Midsomerwine · 05/09/2022 14:30

His attitude and disrespect to you says it all OP. Tell him to pack up and leave.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2022 14:40

He’s talking about leaving the country to scare you into forgetting all about his silly indiscretion. Stop you being a silly Billy and overreacting to his peccadilloes

Original poster
Cantbelieveit12 · 05/09/2022 14:53

Thank you everyone, sorry that I'm not replying to individual posters but I just don't have the head space at the minute. He has offered to go to counselling but if I don't want that then he will go abroad. He just keeps saying I never intended to meet them. He text them during the day and they got back to him asking if he wanted to meet that night when he was in bed and he was scared that they would keep texting him so blocked them. Somebody actually said he text three because the first ones weren't quick enough to reply. I found out the day he text them and I went back through my phone and he had sent me messages and pictures saying he had finished painting our bedroom and was starting on our daughters room next. I sent lots of texts and videos of the kids to him that day as it was the weekend. I'm beyond broken. I don't want to be near him at all. Only yesterday I was booking a few days away for us over Christmas. Why would he do this?

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 05/09/2022 14:58

Cantbelieveit12 · 05/09/2022 14:53

Thank you everyone, sorry that I'm not replying to individual posters but I just don't have the head space at the minute. He has offered to go to counselling but if I don't want that then he will go abroad. He just keeps saying I never intended to meet them. He text them during the day and they got back to him asking if he wanted to meet that night when he was in bed and he was scared that they would keep texting him so blocked them. Somebody actually said he text three because the first ones weren't quick enough to reply. I found out the day he text them and I went back through my phone and he had sent me messages and pictures saying he had finished painting our bedroom and was starting on our daughters room next. I sent lots of texts and videos of the kids to him that day as it was the weekend. I'm beyond broken. I don't want to be near him at all. Only yesterday I was booking a few days away for us over Christmas. Why would he do this?

I do not see what seeing someone can achieve to be honest. He was at home alone and he took the opportunity maybe to have a someone come round. I've heard of a few people getting a home visit. It must be absolutely awful but him moving abroad is bollocks. What he is saying to you essentially is brush this under the carpet, if you don't you are on your own!! He can get a flat that he can afford and be there for his kids!!

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:08

He thinks it's for the best if he takes a job abroad as he can't pay for two homes if he works here.

In other words, you pipe down and stfu about me messaging prostitutes or I'll fuck off abroad and leave you to raise our 3 kids on your own 99 per cent of the time.

He seems to have thought up this plan of working abroad and knows how much he'd get v quickly. Have you discussed this as a couple before?

He certainly seems ok with fucking off out of his kids lives 90 per cent of the time.

I'd question his commitnent and investment to your marriage and family in general. I think this "incident" had exposed a general attitude that is not really compatible with committed, monogamous married and family life.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:10

He can get a flat that he can afford and be there for his kids!!

Yeah, what does everyone else do ... Flat, or live with family or share a house/flat etc. How convenient that his solution involves him fucking off abroad and not seeing or caring for his kids regularly.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:15

You'd think he'd be apologising, begging, promising things, devastated etc ... Instead it's a minimal sorry, essentially fuck off out of my face, and "I'll have to go abroad".

Do you think this man is actually committed to your marriage and family, because he doesn't come across as that at all.

Why were you taking the kids on holiday on your own?

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 15:17

Tell him to fuck off abroad then. What a twat.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:18

I found out the day he text them and I went back through my phone and he had sent me messages and pictures saying he had finished painting our bedroom and was starting on our daughters room next. I sent lots of texts and videos of the kids to him that day as it was the weekend

He really sounds like he was dying of loneliness, poor man.

Apparently "lonely" in his dictionary means "fancy a shag with a (probably young) woman who's not my wife, while my wife's out of town".

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:23

Why would he do this?

Op, only he knows (or he may not even be self aware/honest with himself etc enough to know) but all we can guess is that he wants sex with more than one woman, and feels he's entitled to it.

(Like all cheaters, the reverse does not apply however, you're not entitled to extra marital sex).;

Also I'd surmise, as I've said above, that in general this man is not actually as committed or invested or respectful of your marriage & your family as one would have assumed him to be.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:25

He sounds quite rash, ruthless and a bit cold in how he could throw it away if you don't toe the line and stfu about his (at the very least) testing the waters for infidelity with prostitutes.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:37

He apologised when asked but he's basically saying,fuck of,leave me alone. He thinks it's for the best if he takes a job abroad

He sounds like a man distinctly un-devastated and relatively uncaring about the level of hurt to you, the destruction of trust etc. He sounds like a man who's not exactly devastated at the prospect leaving the marriage/family, almost like a man who's not averse to taking an "out" if you push this and don't pipe down.

How do you feel the balance of power has been in your relationship, be sure he comes across like he thinks it lies with him; even in these circumstances, he seems arrogant, intolerant and almost blasé.

Original poster
Cantbelieveit12 · 05/09/2022 15:51

@LemonDrop22, thank you for taking so much time to message me. You are speaking so much sense and I really appreciate it.

Thank you everyone rise too.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:57

He has offered to go to counselling but if I don't want that then he will go abroad.

He's very good at coercion and manipulation (when he's been caught making moves to cheat on you, with hookers) isn't he?

Accept the BS counselling (how do you council someone to realise it's wrong to contact sex workers and consider using them when you're in a 2 decade monogamous marriage with kids?? It's a basic lack of integrity, of honesty, of respect and of belief in equality within a relationship) .... and let it go/stfu about it; the counselling will take weeks or months to arrange, it'll take weeks or months to do, you'll have moved on, him getting caught will be in the past, you'll rollover and get back to being nice, reliable wifey & Mum without bothering his head about this nonsense ....

Or, he'll fuck off abroad and leave you essentially a single mother, which you never signed up to be, and he'll see his kids minimally and be like a bachelor.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:59

Cantbelieveit12 · 05/09/2022 15:51

@LemonDrop22, thank you for taking so much time to message me. You are speaking so much sense and I really appreciate it.

Thank you everyone rise too.

Not at all op, I've kind of gone off on one because of how he's treating you. I think almost everyone in here is angry on your behalf.

And I don't think you've fallen for the excuses but I think we all wanted to make sure he wasn't gas lighting you with them as well.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 16:16

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 15:59

Not at all op, I've kind of gone off on one because of how he's treating you. I think almost everyone in here is angry on your behalf.

And I don't think you've fallen for the excuses but I think we all wanted to make sure he wasn't gas lighting you with them as well.

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I'm with @LemonDrop22 all the way & agree with everything she's written OP.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Your H's coercion, manipulation & attempted gaslighting are every bit as fucking awful as his perving around with escorts.

Lawyer up! And keep posting. You will find excellent sisterly support here.
One day at a time. Flowers

Crikeyalmighty · 05/09/2022 16:29

Every word @LemonDrop22 and @KettrickenSmiled said!! Make yourself and children number 1 . And unless he's got free accommodation overseas how is that helping things!