Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

Jesus of course the OP should stick to her original plan! It’s her home, not a rental property. It’s bad enough having unruly kids visit your home never mind living in it, and what happens if/when they’re not in a position to move out on their return? At least Sarah is just one person who 1) the op gets along with and 2) it sounds like the OP would be happy to live alongside if needed and 3) would have the space to live with if needed. The OP and her family would be fucked if her sister moved in and then refused to leave.

And as for the other batshit suggestions about giving the sister cash 🤯

I do wonder how many of those saying that if course they would let their sister stay there really would?

Her sister made the choice to have 4 children even though she didn't have the room for them. She could have had a better life if she had actually used her brain

Why should OP give her entitled sister a house and then, most likely, return home to have to fight to get it back?

@Meraas not, we do not consider it an option. We do not want strangers living in our house.

Stick with Sarah. Imagine if DS got pregnant again and you wanted to return - you’d be the villain for trying to kick out the 5 kids. What if her and her DH split and she couldn’t afford any rentals? Cost of living crisis with a larger property to heat? You won’t be able to get them to leave. Any secenario will involve them taking a step down in living standards when you come back so you are guaranteed the be the bad guy anyway.

To be honest I'd rather give some money to my sister towards the deposit if I could afford it than have six people move in the house, especially as you say things tend to get damaged. The thing is the cost of repairing things is astronomical. Deposits wouldn't cover new carpets and redecorating, let alone the wear and tear on kitchens and bathrooms. Also that way you'd be less likely to fall out.

Oh gosh, yes. If she and her DH split (and even if they didn’t) you would be bad-mouthed as the sister who kicked all the little children out of her house.

This too! What she saves in rent will be swallowed by the increased costs of fuelling the bigger house, potentially more water usage and more expensive council tax. So if she can’t save now, her proposal wouldn’t help her at all.

Another thought is that if you want to come home for a visit, it's easy with just two people living there but imagine being crammed together with all those people, feeling uncomfortable in your own house.

I would definitely allow this provided she pay for a storage fee if it'd give her a chance to save towards a bigger place.

If her 4 are anything like my best friends 4, not a fucking chance in hell would they be living in my house as much as I love them!
But also, how much could they save whilst paying higher energy and council tax bill? Obviously I don't know where you are but I live in a 3 bed and my CT is over £200 a month! Also it's much harder to find housing for 6 than 1 if you have to come home earlier than planned, what would happen then, they're left homeless or you're shelling out a fortune staying somewhere whilst they still look for somewhere else. Has your sister thought about all these things, not to mention the storage costs and repair costs?

Obviously it is your choice and I can understand your concerns, but if it was me and as you say there is no bad blood between you and your sister, I would like to think I would do it for this hypothetical sister as I know it could really help her and her family long term.

I would have some stipulations such as her furniture going into storage, they would have to move to an air bnb when I came back for visits and perhaps a small amount monthly that would act as a fund for wear, tear and any damage. As for some saying how would you feel about evicting them once you return, I wouldn’t hesitate as I would feel I had done my bit. If it means they have to move into a B and B if they haven’t found anywhere, so be it, but I would think you would be able to give them notice so they can start looking before you return.

Sarah could also decide she doesn't want to move out when you return? Even with Sarah, you need some legal agreement in place, just in case.

It still wouldn’t be too bad for Sarah to remain as a lodger until she finds a suitable place. And it wouldn’t be too difficult to find one for a single woman. However, with the best will in the world, there’s no knowing whether the sister would have saved sufficient deposit to buy, and even if she’s keen to move out, finding a tenancy for a family of 6 will be hard. If the sister has reasonable security where she is, however, cramped, it might not be doing her the favour that the more sentimental posters think.

I would say no.

Sarah is housesitting and looking after things for you while you're gone, and won't cost you a thing. Assume she'll pay all electric/gas/water bills while you're gone.

Your sister's family will need you to time and money moving all your things into storage, and I have no doubt they won't leave the house in good shape for when you return. Plus you'll have no place to stay ... even though it's your home ... when you visit. And you may well struggle to get them out when you do come back ... I can imagine them not wanting to go!

My sister rented a property off me with 2 teen nephews.

The house was a shambles when they moved out.

Absolutely no way! The hassle and cost of storage for an entire house's contents is huge. It would be hard to get them to leave and then you would be painted the wicked sister. The rental market is going to get much worse and how long would it take her to save for a house deposit? Is she in a position to get a mortgage?

Just say that you want a house sitter as you will be coming home regularly and want your own things available.

How are they kind people telling OP that if they convert a room in HER house into a bedroom then they will let niece stay there?

They are just trying to get OP to say yes.

Also who is Sarah's mum/dad? I imagine they'll be annoyed at your dsis thwarting Sarah's plans too.

The sister is a CF to ask to move in.

I disagree.

If my sister has a large multiple bedroom house that was sitting empty for years and the niece only needed one of those rooms, then I would definitely ask too.

My uncle had a 3 bedroom house given to him which was sitting empty and I was living in a temporary accommodation bedsit through no fault of my own because my landlord wanted to sell my home.
I asked if I could rent it and he said no.

I don’t think I was a CF to ask.
I do think he was tight not to let me stay but ultimately it’s his decision as he didn’t want children living there.

Well obviously it's hectic in a flat. Just have your sister pay for storage and pay to stay in a premier inn or similar when you visit. You are being pretty unkind really.

@PuggyMum Sarah is my sister in laws daughter

I think @alphons summarises very well.

You’re not looking for tenants, you’re looking for a house sitter essentially.

On the other hand, I totally understand your sister’s perspective - it must seem painfully unfair that you’re willing to let another family member live rent free when it would make a bigger difference to her and her family, and have a positive impact on a larger number of people, including young children. To be honest, you should have seen this coming, and maybe charged a token rent to Sarah so you could have highlighted she’s renting it (and just not mentioned it was a token amount). I think you’re going to upset a lot of people, and maybe disrupt family relationships forever, if you let Sarah live there for free.

The point about you being more privileged would have pissed me off never mind all the other nonsense.
Presumably op and her DH have worked hard to enable them to have a nice house whereas her sister has prioritised having 4 children in flat.
Her choice to do that so she'll have to live with it.

Some of the comments on here remind me of the thread where an OP was told to give her house to the tenants rather than sell it because ‘be kind’. People are very free and easy with other people’s money and property.

YANBU, having Sarah living there gives you the flexibility to stay in your own home when you come back and having your sister there doesn't. There will be huge wear and tear on the home if your sister lives there, with Sarah there won't be.

Stick with your plan and just say that you are sorry but it doesn't fit in with your plans to have a family living there. I appreciate it is difficult to say no, but just think of the stress you will have if you say yes.