Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

I’m going to go against the majority here and say I’d absolutely help my sister out. Knowing I was helping her and her family would take priority for me

In your circumstances, @timeaway4now, I think the wisest thing to do would be to get a house-sitter, whether it be someone like Sarah, whom you trust, or someone through an agency, from whom you could get recompense should things go belly-up. I agree with previous posters that it might be extremely difficult to get your sister and her family out of your house once they're ensconsed there and by the sound of it, you wouldn't be able to go back to your own home at short notice if you needed or wanted to. All your reasons for not allowing your sister and her family to live in your house rent-free are perfectly valid and in your shoes, I wouldn't risk it, I would prefer to risk taking the flack from the rest of the family now than the possible fall out for you and your own family should you not be able to move back in to your house on your own terms on your return. If you see what I mean?

Absolutely not. No way!

Stick to your BUSINESS ARRANGEMENT with Sarah and don't hand over your house to a big family who will shape it and make it their own, Dragging all their own crap to it, wrecking the neighbours heads and then you having nowhere to stay when you come home?. No wonder your sister jumped at the chance of loving rent free for a number of years in a big house!

Do it at your peril OP! Recipe for absolute disaster.

a/ She sounds very entitled to me.
b/ Theres nothing wrong with living in a flat when you have 4 children if the flat two bedrooms of descent size or more.

Ah so dh's 'side'.

I can see you are in a tricky spot here from all your posts and peoples comments on this thread no way would I 'rent' to anyone.

I hope the comments give you enough to fend off those who think you should let your sister move in and stand your ground.

What’s depressing about it? Nobody is being mean spirited. Why should the OP have to use her house as a rental property and put all of her own stuff into storage even though she doesn’t want to because someone else wants to move in? Her sister and partner have had four children without having the space to accommodate them all

You may argue that circumstances may change. Well, yes. If someone chooses to have four children - and it is very much a choice - they have to consider the impact of changing circumstances. That’s on the OP’s sister, not on the OP. I speak as someone who as a child had two siblings and lived in a two bedroom flat at one point! Not once would my family have expected a reIative to house us at our request and put all their things into storage. I’m coming from a place of direct experience, not nasty privileged judgement. What’s depressing to me is people having child after child without much forward thinking about the practicalities!

The sister is putting herself before the niece, so she’s nice and selfish too

Maybe not to ask

But to persist is cheeky

To use emotional blackmail is cheeky

And to involve the rest of the family is cheeky

She knows the pressure she's putting the op under. She doesn't care. That is CF territory

I wouldn't do it either, for all the reasons and other posters have pointed out. (She won't pay for storage and Air B&B, even if she promises to now,. You don't want to try and handle neighbour complaints from abroad). Plus any sort of 'rental' arrangement being suggested by some posters would affect your mortgage and probably require you to convert to a buy-to-let mortgage which would be higher interest rate. That's all before the fact you just don't want to,

I rented a house to my sister & her 3 kids. I didn't charge her a deposit and kept rent very low, only covering the mortgage and essential bills landlords have to pay and not putting it up even when I probably should have. It wasn't a house I had lived in so less emotional attachment but it was planned to be if I ever moved back to my home country. When I went to sell it, having decided I'd be staying in the UK and buying here, I had to spend quite a bit on repairs before it could go on the market. It was in quite a state, cupboard doors falling off in kitchen due to rough use, holes and chunks out of walls from young boys fighting and having strops, carpet stains & smell from the cat I'd let them have. One of the agreements was that as the rent was low her boyfriend/kids Dad would keep it maintained so I did feel quite let down. And when I told her I was selling she got very shirty with me for quite a while, as if I was 'chucking her out' not actually done her a favour for quite a few years.

I completely see why you wouldn't want your sister to stay. Would she be prepared to pay to freshen the house up when you return, move out when you are back for visits or pay for a hotel for your family to stay in? Will she be covering all the bills, council tax etc and what about the cost of storage for all your furniture?

My worry would also be when you return she'll turn round and say they aren't ready or have the means to move out and refuse to leave. What if your sister and partner split up? I think she is the one being unreasonable by making you feel like you can't say no. It's your house and you should be able to use it as and when you want to.

I have 4DC the wear and tear on your house is noticeable and mine were never careless or boisterous etc!

What i can say is that we live in our house since 2 years.
After 2 years, this house has been reshaped, wrecked by my kids (at least the kitchen cabinet), started to smell like us. I feel this house completely mine. My kids love it. It happened within 2 years.

It will happen the same to your sister's family. And looking at how they are already guilt tripping you, guess what will happen when you are back?

This is exactly what I thought when I read that comment about being more privileged. Maybe if the sister and her DH hadn't had more DC than they could comfortably house, they too would be in a more privileged position.

I let every one of my 4 sisters live in my last house (at different times) to save money to buy their own places. I wouldnt do it with my new house as everything is brand new and i will be coming back on holiday when i work abroad soon & i dont want to do it all up again. One sister has asked to move in, i said no. There is no issue between us, they understand. My ex (who i am still in touch with) asked to move in i said no as he has a child and a dog. Its your house therefore your right to choose who lives there. We all make different choices in life.

I think I'd help my sister out and just ask her to cover storage costs and any days you stay local to the house. It's likely that you will move about seeing other people when back.

You are in a fortunate position to make a life changing difference to you sister and her families life at no monatary cost to yourself (assuming they cover costs above).

Just be really clear in writing and have them agree in writing what costs they will cover and that they will cover any damage and a repaint.

Just say your DH have arranged it with Sarah and that's that. It's his side of the family, his house too and he gets a say. That's what DH and I do to when either side of the family asks us for something we don't want to say yes to.

Great example of what it can look in real life. Lots of promises and managed expectations but then still a ton of expense and drama and bad feeling when it came to ending the arrangement. ☹️

Don’t let the family move in OP! I only have one, very well behaved, child but he is still trashing our beautiful home. Sticky fingerprints on everything, ruined paintwork, breaks stuff etc. Your sister chose to have four children 🤷‍♀️ she can’t now just demand you house them all for free because life is hard.

Tell sister “There’s been a miscommunication. We want minimum wear and tear on our home and are looking for a single female housesitter to look after the pipes etc as a live in caretaker. We absolutely do not want more than one person living there.”

Also, kids means kid-aged guests. My child’s friends eg fall over and break plants, trip over and break household objects etc etc.

Yanbu. Stand firm.

What “I” would do if I was faced with a similar situation, within my own family is irrelevant. The fact is that you’ve offered the house to your niece, because that works for YOU, and you are NBU to stick to that agreement.
In fact, to backtrack on your offer to your niece would be unfair at this stage.

I agree with this You will be the bad guys when you have audacity to decide you want your house back. Similarly l let a workmate rent mine with no deposit or bond etc and extremely cheap rent . The second she got the key all the ground rules went out the window. I knew there,'d be trouble ahead when she once announced she loved the house so much she would only be leaving in her box . When l needed sell over two years later l gave her plenty notice and promised help her find another place,which l did but she was awful, nicked everything not nailed down and told everyone at work ld chucked her out.

Lend the house to your first choice. It's your house. If your sister's family is chaotic, they're sure to damage things, and that will be much worse to deal with than saying 'No' now.

Say you've already made an arrangement with S that suits you both, and will stick with it. If Sister pushes, give her the very good reasons why it would not work for her or you or sarah.

Wear and tear from 4 kids,
Sis and Bill would have to pay to store THEIR furniture.
They couldn't afford the heating bills or CT in such a large house.

Sarah only needs to heat one room.She will get CT discount for single occupancy. She won't wreck the place.

You will still need somewhere to stay on trips home.