Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

In this situation I think I would just rent it out properly via an agency. The money you’d get would cover an Airbnb or hotel when you come back to visit. Just tell your family you’ve thought about it and realise for XY reasons you need to do this. It will avoid any difficult situations with your family. Plus letting family stay in your property never seems to end well…for anyone.

Re; your furniture, to avoid paying storage, can you take it to the country you’re going to @timeaway4now? Often shipping is included in relocation packages, if that’s what you have.

This - they may be very difficult to evict, and you will be the bad guy.

Also - how would seven people, including 4 children in your home, affect your insurance if anyone got hurt?

It's a house , brick and mortar and just stuff. If it gets damaged, it can be replaced.

You have the power to improve her children's lives a lot. It really is up to you at the end of the day. what are you really worried about ?

Ikr!

I wouldn't do it & I wouldn't give mine a kidney either!

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable

That's really all you need to know, and since she's already been entitled enough to make clear she expects this, how can you possibly know she'll willingly leave the house when you need her to?

Obviously I can see the appeal of living rent free while "saving for a deposit", but 4 kids in a small flat suggests that planning may not be their strong point - so what would you do if those savings didn't materialise and she declared they'd got nowhere else to go?

I hate this 'I wouldn't think twice. I'd do anything for my sister' bullshit.

You can't compare family to family like that.

Yes I'd let my sister live in my house. I know she would let me too. But we clearly have a different family dynamic to the op.

They're not close. She's close to Sarah. She trusts Sarah.

Besides which if sister is getting the big guns in now pressuring the op i genuinely think it will be a fuck tonne worse getting her out.

We've all been on the CF threads where everyone says 'don't let them in. They'll never leave!' Here's a good case in point.

Just because she's blood doesn't make her less of a CF

@MistyBean I don’t think it’s entitlement so much as assuming that your sibling would do more for you than other people.

But that’s often not the case!

I would tell her you are looking for a house sitter and not tenants.

Who is going to pay the council tax and bills?

With the money yr sister saves, she could pay for the redecorating.

I would move anything valuable and put it into one of the rooms, get a secure lock for it and use it to store nice furniture, pictures, vases, curtains, rugs etc - anything that could be damaged. Cover nice carpets, make a space for the children that they can focus on (playroom/play area).

Get yr sister to pay a small charge say (£50 a month). This established some autonomy for both of you. Ground rules of what you expect (garden looked after, plants watered, etc).

You are in the position to do an amazing thing here. Really life changing. In return, you will see yr nieces and nephews benefit from stability.

Do it because you can.

Sorry Sis, we don't have enough space for your brood as we need to keep the office as it is and another room for us to stay in as and when, and haven't got the capacity to arrange to put stuff into storage. Was looking for a single person ideally.

I would ask for some rent that would pay for storage and a bit extra

yes I would have my sister living their rather than a single niece I would want to help my sister

Maybe the sister should have saved for a house before she had 4 children in a small flat.

No way would I want a family with 4 children living in my house even if it was my sibling

And you would have the whole situation come round and bite you on the arse.

Will your sister be moving her family to a different area if you let her stay?

If so would the children have to change schools. This in itself could cause problems when it's time for them to move out as she may not be able to afford to buy in the catchment area and not want to disrupt their schooling.

I too would choose Sarah as PP's have said you need a house sitter not tenants inorder to be able to come and go as you please, things may crop up where you need to come home for an amount of time during those 3 years.

I wouldn't let your sister move in due to the number of children, wanting your things in a good condition, coning back hone to visit and the big risk of your sister not moving out when you got back.

Stick with Sarah

I doubt Sarah is going to stay single for a few years. I wouldn’t want some random boyfriend living in my house free loading.

There's going to be bad feeling no matter what you do.

However, you need to protect the interests of your own family first. You don't want tenants. You want a housesitter. You want to keep all of your own belongings in situ and you want to be able to stay in your own home whenever you want to - and why shouldn't you?!

Massive alarm bells ringing out too! It will be much more expensive for them to live in your house, just as the cost of living is going insane. I'd also be concerned that they just wouldn't move out when you wanted to return, and I would be extremely surprised if they actually did save a deposit for a place by the time you returned. There will be the school issue too. What if they didn't even have a deposit for another rental property? It would be very difficult to have to downsize

Go with Sarah. That arrangement works for you. It is after all your home and it seems wrong that you couldn't use it whenever you want to.

Sure, your sister will probably be resentful, and her supporting family members too.... how much worse will it be if you essentially hand your home over to her, and the whole situation goes pear-shaped? Maybe some of those relatives could put their hand in their pocket instead?!

I would have put the property up for rent with an agency.

Is that not an option?

Why does everyone expect help ?! Agh!! Does my head in. You didn’t help her create four children that she struggles to accommodate. I can never work out why people make silly decisions and then expect everyone in the family to dig them out of the hole they created. It’s madness.

I don't see letting an irresponsible sibling live in her house with 4 children being "an amazing thing".

I agree with the posters saying the sister will quite likely refuse to leave. What are the chances that she will actually be able to save enough to buy a house? The time to save for a house was before she had 4 children. She may even have more children if she gets a the OP's bigger house.

It wouldn’t be considered in my family to do any different

maybe it would maybe it wouldn’t

No.

You've made your choice, and have very good reasons for it.

There's no telling how things might go when you want to return, and I'd say most scenarios aren't good.

Even if your sister saved all that money, AND didn't damage your property, AND vacated the house when you wanted to visit, AND was able to buy somewhere, the likelihood of the timelines co-ordinating is minimal.

And what if the property she can buy is far less spacious/suitable than yours? Will there be emotional blackmail to let her stay? If she can't afford somewhere in the school catchment area and has to move significantly further away, what then? Would the family try to 'persuade' you to rent somewhere else, just to keep accommodating your sister?

@Capricapri we would probably move back earlier.

@mydogisthebest

how do you know the sister is irresponsible? We don’t know her full circumstances

besides, there for the grace of God we just don’t know what’s around the corner.

I do agree that a large house will be more expensive to heat than a flat though