Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

YANBU. I’d let my sister stay in my empty house in a heartbeat BUT she’s extremely responsible, her two kids are scarily well behaved and I know she’d move out if I wanted to come back at any point.

I wouldn’t let your sister stay in my empty house. 2 years isn't much time to save a deposit for a 4 bed house and I’m sure she won’t want to buy something much smaller after living at yours for so long. There’s also a cost of living crisis coming up - with the rise of bills, etc how much will they actually be able to save? They’ve not managed to save enough to rent a bigger flat or house so it sounds like they’re not earning loads to absorb those costs and still save. If you come back after two years and they haven’t saved or their purchase is delayed, where will you live? They won’t be able to find a cheap short term rental for 6 and your sister may argue you should rent somewhere else as it’s easier to do so for a family of three. Also what happens if you need to come back early because your son hates it or a relative becomes poorly? The same problem finding a rental applies and they’ll probably be gutted you’re taking away the opportunity they think they’re a entitled to.

Not having anywhere to stay when you visit is definitely annoying but losing secure housing for your son where you’re from to benefit your sister seems mad. Maybe your sister has been dealt a crap hand but that doesn’t mean you have to set your family on fire to save hers.

I own my house now after many years of unsuitable renting , 3 kids single parent working flat out never went to uni but ok job working in a bank, saved hard struggled and I’m so proud of where I now am with no help from outsiders.
my sister choose not to have kids when I did went to uni now works a well paid profession while doing two other jobs worked her arse off saved and bought a house much bigger than me (all before I bought mine) and is far batter off than me, I’m proud as hell of her for everything she has achieved, I have a comfortable happy life now I do ok and have a lovely home , I know my sister would give me the world if she could but I had never and would never ever expect her to do for me what your sister is asking of you just because she was better off than me. We all have choices in life and you have both choosen different ones and it’s on her to make the most of her life you don’t have to feel guilty or carry her just because you can. It’s so sad people think you are terrible for saying no. I’d never have asked this of my sister and if she did offer me her home I would expect to pay to live in her home. She shouldn’t be expected to wipe my arse for me because she’s better off it’s a crazy mentality

Oooh I've had this situation happen to me!

My brother let his wife's sister (single, no children) stay in his 3rd house for free for 4 years. I did ask, and even said I'll pay rent etc and I have two children.

It would have been a huge help and cut my rent in half as I wanted to move back to the area anyway!

Fast forward 5 years. My brother is having to evict sister in law legally. She's ruined the house, moved in a criminal boyfriend and had 2 children in succession. The house is disgusting. Rats running around the garden and neighbours have put in complaints for years.

And me? Well we moved back to private rent in the area, managed to save more than living down south, as we purchased a house a year ago!

So not always the case, single woman can become partnered up very quickly!

I think you are entitled to do how you see fit but I'd personally let my sister live there, paying rent At least or deposit option as mentioned previously!

Yes, I agree with this. One way or another this situation is quite possibly not going to end well. At least the way OP plans on doing it us lower risk and she won’t have to pay for the privilege.

Not only that but OP and her DH have already made the offer to Sarah and it has been accepted. Perhaps this opportunity will be “life changing” for Sarah too- allowing her to get a toe on the property ladder- so why does OP’s family take precedence over her DH’s? And the sense of entitlement by her sister, on hearing this arrangement, to put pressure on to rescind the arrangements already made and then use emotional blackmail is extremely unpleasant. In OP’s shoes, that alone would have me digging my heels in ever more firmly. These situations usually follow the pattern and tone they were started with- next OP will be “selfish” for all sorts of things like expecting them to pay for storage costs, for costs of breakages and damage, wear and tear etc. Or wanting to come home at an inconvenient time. And when it comes to leave- what if they haven’t managed to buy by then? If OP is selfish for not essentially giving her sister a home for free/providing her deposit, then I hate to think what she’s be labelled as if she had to evict her sister, or even worse “made” her sister homeless and so on.

OP’s sister and her partner are entitled to have as many children as they want, but they knew their living circumstances when they chose to have 4 children. This was, presumably, acceptable to them at the time. Why is it now OP’s responsibility to change anything? Nothing has changed except they saw an opportunity to get something for nothing.

I do suspect though that it is not as simple as allowing them to live rent-free in her time. I think there will need to be additional insurances etc, there may be different occupancy rules and regulations etc. I would also doubt that the cost of running and paying for a much bigger property, so they may well struggle more than they think in to save a lot of money.

It's more convenient for you if your sister doesn't stay. It would be a sacrifice for you with nothing in return.

But she is your sister. And it could be life-changing for her.

I'd help my sister and her family. Hefty deposit, money to cover storage, formal written tenancy agreement.

Stick to your guns, you made a plan that works for you. Yes, it would be lovely for your sister to live in the house but that does not work for you.

You've offered it to Sarah...so shouldn't back track and change mind as another suggestion has been made - even if it might help more people.
Stay with Sarah. Suits plans all round

Presumably, if she would be living rent-free rather than paying rent on an apartment she would indeed save money. Where we live the rent on a home like that is about 45 to 50 k a year so that would be 100 k saved in a year. I would do that for my sister and suck up some chipped paintwork but as I say maybe it depends on yours and your husband's bond with your sister. Maybe I am lucky to know my brother would do this for me and me for him so the fact people do not extend themselves for a sibling shows a lack of connection and lack of generosity in a relationship and perhaps that runs two ways between you both and she would not do a similar act of goodness for you.Fair enough do what suits you best and disregard any benefits you can bestow on your sister and her children. I suddenly feel grateful for the sibling relationship I have. I would do anything to help mine including taking on great inconvenience.

100 k saved in 24-30 months I meant an incredible gift to a family that is close to me.

The sister can still save for a deposit AND pay for a few measly nights in a hotel / storage! She’s paying rent currently. She could save a fortune and still cover her responsibilities on the OP’s house! It’s that or nothing, as I said.

This thread is a brilliant example of how generous mumsnetters can be with other people's time and resources.

Your sister and her family will put a lot of wear and tear on your property too, where as with Sarah alone it will be minimal.

You also want to come back 1-2 times a year.

Stick to your plans and happy ventures!

Your house, your choice. Your reasons are valid and I can totally see how you feel. Stick to your guns.

Well it's going to cause fractions later on but I also think she's being a CF and not taking responsibility for her own situation and looking to you to provide the answers.

Stick with the plan. You want to be able to come back at short notice to visit and you don’t want the wear and tear from a family of six. The end.

I bought a property that suddenly everyone wanted to visit and use on my dime, so I understand a bit.

If you didn’t think of your sister for this then you aren’t on such terms where she could beg.

I would caution you in the future to give reasons as to why you made a decision. You made it, it final. Questioning is disrespectful in things like this.

She might be in a bad place but livable. She won’t save. They will treat your house like it’s to be ruined.

Don’t feel bad. A “sorry but that isn’t going to work for us and our situation” is enough.

vultures..

To NOT give reasons

It’s your home, you’re not comfortable with your sister and kids being there. You do want your niece there. Who cares if others think you’re selfish, it's your home, you’re allowed to do what suits you with it. I wouldn’t give it another thought. Let Sarah live there and that's the end of it.

I absolutely agree with this. I think your sister comes into the CF category.

Before you do any of this you need to look into the insurance situation. What would Sarah and your family be considered to be if there was a burst water tank, a fire, etc? Guests? Tenants? Squatters? You also need to check the small print of your mortgage.

This thread is a brilliant example of how generous mumsnetters can be with other people's time and resources

Isn't it just 😆

YANBU to invite Sarah to look after your house!

I'm amazed by all the posters saying your sister is in more housing need - considering that she already has somewhere to live, and Sarah doesn't.

...and the ones writing about what an incredible opportunity you have been given to help your nieces and nephews and change their lives for the better...
...referring only to your sister's kids, rather than your husband's sister's kid, for whom this will also be life-changing.

It sounds like you wouldn't even be particularly comfortable having your sister and her brood staying in your home for a weekend, never mind moving in with all their possessions and taking it over for 2-3 years. You said yourself that you're not all that close, and are closer/ spend more time with Sarah and her bf.

Laying it on a bit thick there. You know, someone else’s sibling relationship not being the same as the one you have doesn’t indicate a moral failing on their part.

Also, the very real issues OP and husband have with this can’t actually be downplayed and dismissed as ‘some chipped paintwork’.

I love the way that so many people are totally ignoring that Sarah is DH's family. As usual, in laws don't count. In fact they prettyy much don't exist in those posters' thinning. OP's sister has to be put first to the point of an agreement with DH's own siblings daughter having to be withdrawn.

I'm genuinely appalled at how many people have absolutely no regard for family relationships on a DH's side.

But the sister won't be saving the rent she'd pay on a 4 bedroom home-all she'll be saving is what she was paying on the flat.
And re. someone upthread saying that the OP's own bedroom should be kept free for visits; does the sister sound like the sort of person who would leave it free, or would she decided to move into it with her husband? ("Well, it wasn't being used...")