Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

'Yes I do think people living in SMALL flats with 4 children have made poor life choices.'

Lives can change unexpectedly. Contraception failure, job losses, relationships can break down. All these things aren't down to 'poor life choices'.

We live comfortably. As I said if one of my siblings were living in cramped conditions with 4 kids I'd want to help but I guess some of us are compassionate and some of us aren't.

@JaniieJones I was one of four siblings in a family with no space and no money. It was bloody awful. I would never keep popping out kids in those circumstances, I couldn’t bear to do such harm. But then again, I suppose some of us are compassionate and some of us aren’t.

We live comfortably. As I said if one of my siblings were living in cramped conditions with 4 kids I'd want to help but I guess some of us are compassionate and some of us aren't.

But it’s the opposite of compassion not to realise that to let them have a lovely home for 2 to 3 years, when you are going to want it back is going to cause them more problems. By which time they have lost their small but adequate (until now) flat and you have to make them homeless.

I agree.

😂😂😂😂😂

careful not to sprain your shoulder patting yourself on the back.

@JaniieJones
I'm a compassionate person by nature and have helped out family, friends and even strangers loads however unfortunately that compassion has been stomped on and abused to the point that I am now more careful and unfortunately it's always been family that have been the problem.
I also find that its family that expect me to help unquestionably yet they never think to even say thank you or acknowledge that I don't have to help them.
You might have nice relatives not everybody does.

What a sick sick society. If your family isnt there to do stuff like this, then what's the point?

They are doing stuff for family. They're helping out DH's family member. But of course the family members of the male half of a marriage don't count on mumsnet.

The point of what?

And she is helping family. The niece is family.

Sure, in an ideal world it would be lovely to let them move in for free for a few years.
In practice, it has got disaster written all over it, for all the reasons posters have suggested here.
Don't do it, or we'll see you back on here in a few years' time, asking for advice as to how you can get your house back, both to live in yourself and to get it back to its former glory.

As said it's been 14 years since the sisters first child so maybe they could of looked to the future and saved a bit here and there.
Let's say the sister is the kind that is a bit reckless and just spends any spare cash she has.
What would happen if OP done as suggested and let sister live there for a nominal rent and sister 'didn't have it this week but will catch up next'
What happened if sister and her DH suddenly found they've so much spare cash and the DC haven't always had many toys/games/gadgets as their friends so they have a splash out, holidays, eating out and forget what the purpose of giving up their flat was all about.
These things do happen when someone isn't good at budgeting...not to mention if sister gives up her family home and things don't materialise she has intentionally made herself and family homeless in the eyes of the authorities.

Of course things happen in life. A job loss, ill health, relationship breakdown can all change someone's life drastically but people should bear that in mind when they choose to have a lot of children.

I am a compassionate person but that doesn't mean I would be helping someone who doesn't help themselves even if it was my sibling

I completely agree with this;if Sarah can't find anywhere quickly there's a downstairs room she can use if need be whilst she continues to search.

The other thing is if you allow your sister to live rent free whilst she saves for a mortgage deposit;will she actually save?;what happens if you come home after a few years and her and her family refuse to leave?;they could claim squatters rights;I know this sounds extreme but family relations can head south very quickly in these situations.

It's a quite simple;we need a house sitter not tenants as we want to use our home when we come home for visits.

@JaniieJones to be honest there really haven't been any unexpected changes like that in my sister of her husbands lives.

So your sister has had all 4 DC while living at the flat?

@Crumpleton not that particular flat. They did move once several years ago. However the previous flat was of similar size.

Not a chance, just because of the potential to have to evict the buggers when you get back. That'll cause more had blood than just saying no in the first place.

To your guns OP

Then I'd definitely go with Sarah and I'm in agreement with some other PP's DH family members are just as entitled to live there irrespective of the fact she has chosen not to pop out x amount of children.
I'm sure she'll enjoy sometime living with her DP.

I find the idea of “agreeing” OP’s sister will pay for storage, hotels, wear and tear/breakages etc. And will move out when OP moves out. What if she agrees to all of this and doesn’t do it? Or what if she intends to but then finds she can’t afford it? Or can’t find a home to buy or rent. Even if they are staying rent free, the family will have rights and OP has to bear that in mind.

If op’s sister refuses to leave or if she reneges on agreements to pay or can’t pay what was agreed, OP will be left in the unenviable situation of evicting her sister and her family, or taking her to court to get the agreed costs of repairs etc paid. Do you honestly think the same emotional blackmail won’t be rolled out once again? She’ll be the bad sister who made her sisters children homeless. No way, it’s far easier to go with Sarah (with contract)- Op knows and trusts her. Even if it does go wrong, I bet there will be less emotional blackmail involved.

Apparently that can be solved by "having a conversation" with the sister before the OP leaves. Mentioned about a hundred posts back.

So that's that taken care of.

But how often is that really the case?

The family who plops out so many children and were wise…and worked hard enough to justify their choices… all the sudden dealt a cruel hand that was out of their control?

Rare as all get out.

I am most certain we’d all be very interested to help those who were truly dealt a bad hand after they had shown themselves to be just as hardworking as the rest.

I am getting that this sister isn’t that at all. I’m also getting how personal you’re taking this and I’d just suggest that you realize we all are judged and need to make our way in life. It’s nobody’s job to pick up the slack of a life someone else has made… especially when they’ve shown themselves unworthy of the investment.

As a child born into a family that didn’t think and who clawed her way higher, I can tell you it is irresponsible to have children you can’t afford p. It hurts their life and their prospects. It’s ridiculously selfish and narcissistic to do so.

It’s your house and you can make any decisions you want. But living several years rent free is a massive gift to either member of the family, so I can understand why your sister feels massively hurt. I can’t imagine not wanting to help my sister and her children out but these are your priorities, not mine.

Your problem was that you told your sister that your niece would live there rent-free. That was bound to cause resentment. However, I think no matter what the rent was she would want to live there anyway.

Personally, I’d 100% let my DS and her family live there.

And what would you do about the person who had already been offered the house?

And why does DH's family not count? It's his house too, they both discussed it, and offered the house and the responsibility for it to a member of HIS family.