Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

@mumda the plan was for Sarah to pay the utilizes with us a contributing some when we come to visit.

i think your sister is a bit cheeky to suggest this. Who asks to stay rent free in someone else's house with four kids and for an extended period?
To be honest I wouldn't even be keen on Sarah staying even on her own now. I would suspect a gradual takeover by your sister beginning with maybe the kids being babysat occasionally by Sarah and gradually them all staying more at yours than at their own place. Of course this wouldn't help with the family saving but it would sure help with the shortage of space. When you wanted to come home for a while yourself there would be a swift exodus of kids stuff and you would still know because of chipped painting, spills on carpets ext.
Personally I would tell your sister that you have now changed your mind and you are going to rent the place out commercially. That way, at least when you have to use a hotel when you come home, you won't be out of pocket and you can also choose to rent only to child free people.

@Couchpotato3 my husband thinks the same as me. Our son is too young to have an opinion.

@shiningstar2 Sarah doesn't really know my sister. I kind of doubt she would ever babysit for her.

I wouldn't let anyone stay to be honest now. It's just going to cause arguments and problems. What if your sister doesn't save money or enough for a house, what is her plan then? What if she moves in with the niece regardless of what you say? What if she refuses to leave when you come back?

I'd rent it out privately on a known period of time explicitly that only, and through a company. It's business then, no family involved and all by the book.

Well that is something @timeaway4now In that case I would stick to your offer to Sarah 😁

Well that's you but a lot of people would not agree.

I don't think anyone should be having more than 2 children because of overpopulation but having that many when living in a small flat is really stupid.

It's all very well to say it's their decision and choice but unless they are fairly well off it is really not a sensible decision/choice. Anything can happen - loss of job(s), ill health, divorce etc and it is always going to be far harder to manage with 4 children than 1 or 2.

The sister thinks she can save because she would be living rent free but she would have much larger council tax charges plus the big increases in energy costs and the ever increasing food prices I wonder if she is really likely to be able to

I want to make it very clear to everyone that we have absolutely no intention of renting the house out through an agency. Please stop suggesting that.

If you don't think they will respect your home and replace anything they damage then no. There's also the chance of them persuading your niece to let them move in once your gone. Some sort of contract need's to be drawn up.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but i would certainly allow my sister to live there, no question about it.

I can't imagine not helping my sister. I adore my nieces and nephews and would want them to be in the best possible situation and if that's more space and time to save I would let them stay in a heartbeat

Sister over niece any day

You must really hate your DSIS and your nieces and nephews (of hers) that you would leave them in a tiny flat and no hope of that improving when you have an empty house lying that you dont even need rent for.

Your excuses are flimsy and unbelievable. If they are staying rent free agree that they pay for storage, hotels, damages. These aren't huge obstacles.

If I had a DSIS and she did this to me I'd never speak to her again!

It's the DHs house too and he presumably prefers his niece to his SIL and her myriad offspring.

If I had a DSIS and she did this to me I'd never speak to her again!

Win win!

She obviously loves her niece because that’s who’s staying in the house

Given the ages of the children, what happens when you want to move back and children are all settled in new local schools and have GCSEs, A levels, secondary school entrance etc on the horizon?

You'll then be in the situation of being the bad guys for evicting the kids in vital exam years, tearing them away from friends, teenage bf/gf

Stick with Sarah!

I assume you're single, because there is no way your family should take precedence over your husband's. It should be a conversation between the two of them, then the decision is made.

Help her family who can't help themselves or help his family who will be respectful. His family are no less important than OPs and as I say, I hope you are single with that attitude.

Just say no to your sister. No one else's opinion counts.

It is going to end in tears whatever you do but better to get a few tears now than have hysterical sobbing in a few years time. This is nothing to do with whether you love your sister. It is all to do with whether you love her enough to give her your house permanently.

The costs of living in a larger house will probably offset the rent in her flat - so no gain. Therefore she will not be able to save, and even if she does, will she and her husband be able to afford a house like yours?

They will get used to living in your house and won’t want to move out when you return. How much more pressure will she and some of your relatives put you under to let her family stay there? What pressure are you going to be under to let your nieces and nephews continue to enjoy the lifestyle you have gone them? How could you be “so cruel” as to take that away from them.

Please go with your instincts. Explain kindly that it is not that you don’t want her and her family there but that you are simply looking for a house sitter so that you can return any time you like. Don’t get into any justification. You don’t need to.

Good luck

You must really hate your DSIS and your nieces and nephews (of hers) that you would leave them in a tiny flat and no hope of that improving when you have an empty house lying that you dont even need rent for.

If I had a DSIS and she did this to me I'd never speak to her again!

Oh, the drama!

"Did this?" Did what, exactly? The op didn't force her sister to have more children than she could afford to house properly. Fucking hell, let's place the responsibility for the sister's predicament where it lies, and that's with the sister. The op doesn't "owe" her a fucking thing.

i don’t blame you at all but I feel really sorry for you as there is potential for you to get a lot of flack. Everything you say is a valid reason why you should stick to your original plan.

Four children? I missed one, sorry.
One more reason to say no.

I agree with your worries about 4 kids damaging your house and upsetting neighbours. I have 4 kids of similar ages and they are loud, messy, accidentally break things and leave dirty fingerprints on every bloody wall. It took a lot of searching to find a landlord who would accommodate us all and the dog and I fully understand why. You are not being unreasonable to say no to your sister. Just explain about the storage issues and how you'd like to be able stay in your home when you visit.

Yes asking Sarah as a house sitter is a lot diff to having a whole family move in! I’d say that you like to have the option to come back often and not have to move your stuff into storage, and leave it at that. And say that your sis is welcome to stay whenever she needs a break.