Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

The thing is, it’s not really going to help and will in all probability end in bad blood at the end, when the CF sister and family refuse to move out. So better to have have the conflict now, move on and not waste any time and money.

Budget wise, the CF sister has put no thought into how this will enable her to save enough for a deposit, as she’s not the sort to plan. In her mind she’ll save £1,500 a month or whatever she’s paying in rent. The reality is she’ll spend £500 a month on storing stuff, £500 on higher council tax and utility bills for a larger house and £500 will go on stuff that she’s already overspending on because she can’t plan. At then end the OP will get her house back requiring redecorating at minimum, so she’s £10k out of pocket, and she’ll be bad mouthed to the whole family for kicking the CF sister out. And, she’ll have nowhere to stay on her return trips to the UK. I cannot believe anyone thinks she’s doing the wrong thing by refusing to acquiesce to such a CF!!

I'd do this for my sister in a heartbeat in your situation. The chance to make things easier for her and her kids when there's no bad blood between you seems like a no-brainer to me when the counter arguments are 'they might damage things' 'they might upset the neighbours'.

If I were you I'd agree a monthly fee to cover any wear and tear when you return and a proper lodging agreement, if you're concerned about her being difficult to get out (I wouldn't bother with this with my sister, tbh, but it's sensible I suppose).

A sister that thinks it’s reasonable to demand use of OP’s house, when she’s aware arrangements have already been made, and throws a strop when OP says no? Yeah, I’d say jettisoning said relative would be a relief. I’m generally a fan of letting cheeky fuckers show themselves out, no matter their economic status.

you’ve reduced it to carpets, whilst overlooking the emotional attachments people can have to their homes, as well as the impact housing her sister would have one the relationships OP has with her husband and Sarah. They may be inconsequential to you, but doesn’t mean they have to be for OP.

I’m not embarrassed at all at such expectations. At most I’m amused that you think they actually exist. In no way is OP responsible for her sister or her sister’s children.

It’s your house OP and you want peace of mind while your gone. A family of six is a lot of wear and tear on a house and plans change and it’s easier for a young person with no kids to be flexible then a family of six.

I'm too nice, I would let family stay but set the following rules:
They pay your storage
They go and stay in a hotel when you come to stay.
They rent a small flat for Sarah.

Yes this. I cannot imagine not helping my sister out if it meant she and my nieces and nephew would get on the housing ladder and out of what sounds like a difficult housing situation (albeit presumably self-inflicted from having 4 kids).

However, families are different and I'm guessing you two aren't close. In which case you have solid reasons and you just have to state them, and be grown up enough to accept she is naturally going to be hurt etc.

stick with the 1 person -

kids will probably trash yoru house, they wont move out on time and be stuck in your house

also - do a proper rental agreement/tenent agreement - she may be family but people do change and decide to stay and without a proper agreement you may well loose your house!

@diddl But it's money OP wouldn't have had if she let her sister live there so it's not OP's savings???
Besides, if I was 'privileged' (in OP's words) and had a sibling struggling with my nieces & nephews, I'd have already helped them. But that's just me. I'm no Angel by any stretch, I'm just shocked at your "bloody hell" comment in response to somebody helping a struggling sibling out financially....

What happened to family?!

Nothing to do with “conditions”, is it? You can’t do something hurtful, and then complain the other person shouldn’t be hurt.

Seriously? 😲

What happened to ‘family’? It ceased to be as effective a tool of emotional blackmail as it used to be, presumably. You don’t have to give in to people’s entitled demands just because you happen to be related to them.

But then, Sarah is also family. OP is indeed helping her family, as they are helping her. Or does that ‘family’ not count?

Anyway, the house is also OP’s husband’s. She can’t just unilaterally decide to hand it over to her sister.

Some people also have emotional attachments to their family, not just to their homes 🙄

The house isn’t going to be visiting the OP for Christmas in a care home when she’s 90, is it?

I would always prioritise my family over material wealth and possessions. A nice house isn’t all that in life, tbh. If I were the OP I’d want my son to have a great relationship with his aunts and cousins as much as a nice house. People to meet up with when he’s older, family support, people who have a reason to be there.

Of course, many people don’t feel that way. I have family members myself who are more into their house and lifestyles than others are. Just be aware that it’s not really how everyone thinks and many people regard being more invested in material lifestyles and possessions than your family relationships as quite hurtful, even though you may not understand why.

So weird the way some people think everyone has the same relationships with their family. The OP said she isn’t close to her sister but is close to her niece. The niece house sitting works for both OP and niece, what her sister is demanding is irrelevant. and for all those people going on about family, the niece IS her family.

Some of us have struggling siblings/siblings in law who have gotten themselves into that situation and expect help. Not with any sort of gratitude or even an insincere "thanks". We have had genuine tantrums after refusing help that was simply expected. "But how am I going to pay my car insurance? I said I would pay it by the end of the week to give you time to transfer it to me. What do I tell them now?". That's genuinely the type of interaction DP and I have had, and why we refuse to "help".

Sarah makes total sense:

Minds the house, meaning you can maintain insurance etc.
Flexible - you can come and stay, move back, overlap her moving out.
Not likely to cause huge wear and tear.
Doesn't need to bring all her own furniture etc.

Sister makes no sense for you and actually little sense for her.

You'd need her to be a tenant, pay rent, take out her own contents insurance, you'd need landlords building insurance, storage costs, accomodation costs for when you come back to visit, no overlap between you moving back in and them moving out.

It isn't possible for you to just GIVE her your house for free for a year or two (nor would it legally be advisable!), and running a much larger home costs MUCH more money, particularly in the next couple of years!

Chances are you'll return to a home with a ton of wear and tear, eye-bleeding fuel bills and they won't have saved anywhere NEAR enough to move out to anything like comparable accomodation, but nor will they have anything to move back into and so you'll not have anywhere to live!

@whumpthereitis Emotional blackmail?!? You've just made that up! I'm talking about making a decision yourself to help out a sibling in need! How is that emotional blackmail?

The unbelievable levels of selfishness within some people these days, terrifies me.
I'm not referring to OP necessarily, just in general. All the faux-shock & horror at the suggestion of any sibling helping out another sibling 😳

What were these cold-hearted people's childhoods like? 😢

Who's paying the gas bill?

@ThePumpkinPatch I don’t think most posters are selfish or cold hearted. I would (and have) done loads for my siblings. I have my brother a monthly stipend to help him through college when I was only a few years older than he was and I didn’t have a property or a car, or savings really. But I would not do what the OP’s sister is suggesting for all the extremely good reasons that have been noted.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but what do your husband and son think of all this? I presume they get a say?
If my DH had wanted to move his brother and 4 kids in during our absence, I would have had a fit.
IF you had felt able to accommodate your sister and her family, I dare say you would have offered. The fact thatt they are asking and making plans for your house is a very different situation.
J u s t s a y n o !!!

I wouldn't dream of commenting on any mother's choice to have multiple children, regardless of whether they're in a small flat or large house - that's their decision & their choice. If it's a mistake then she will realise that herself in time. Not my business to even think negatively about it, let alone say it about them (unless there's clear evidence of neglect or abuse) or worse, to 'use' it as a reason not to help them.
Hell would freeze over before I ever said to a family member "You made that bad decision, not me, so I'm not helping you" Because I'm not a massive dick.

Again, I'm speaking generally in response to comments on this thread, not regarding OP's situation necessarily.

By the time they pay all that, they wouldn't save any money!
Just stick to your original OP.
Also, I wouldn't want to have to go through the hassle of replacing things. I'd rather my house remained in tact as I left it. I also am attached to my belongings. They are vases etc that I've chosen for a reason or have been gifted. I wouldn't want things broken and 'replaced'. It wouldn't be the same.

Yeah I'd do the same if I could.

As I said, I wasn't referring to OP's situation, it was meant generally, in reply to some shocking comments on this thread. I actually agree that OP shouldn't have her sister stay for various reasons

The emotional blackmail behind the expectation that you have to provide for someone else, because ‘that’s faaaaamily’. There’s a big difference between freely offering something, and being expected to provide it. I have housed my brother before, incidentally. You know what he didn’t do? Demand that I did or think that I was obliged to. He wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum if I’d have said no either.

As for selfishness - it’s not selfish for the sister to feel entitled to OP’s house? To put Sarah out? She’s acting in her own interests the same as OP is.

My childhood was fine, thanks. Giving freely and happily is one thing, being being expected to roll over and provide what people demand, no matter anything else, is another. I’m ever thankful I was taught the difference between the two.

@ThePumpkinPatch yes, seriously. Having a child I'm not willing to risk the possible complications of organ donation except for the absolute most important people in my life.

Agree with all of this, it could get really messy