Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

What if during the 3 years, niece has kids ???? Will OP ask to leave?

I'd let my sister and her family stay under those circumstances. I'd feel incredibly bad if I knew they were struggling and I could help them but chose not to because of some minor inconveniences.

That’s all fine to say, as many pp have, that if the sister takes umbrage it’s up to her and it’s all about what benefits the OP more — IF you are the sort of person who values convenience and money / property over family relationships.

But many people don’t think like that. Many value family over property and money. I would be devastated if I was the sister in the OP’s scenario, and it would be the end of my relationship and my family’s relationship with her, being as how it clearly means that a bit of wear and tear on some paint and carpets is more important to her than her sister and her younger nieces and nephews.

In that case, she ought to be prepared to lose the relationship with the sister and the nieces and nephews, because she is clearly saying she values her convenience and a bit of minor expense on wear and tear above that. That’s her prerogative, of course. But she should not expect that it will have no ramifications, either. Others can take that how they like. That’s their prerogative.

Showing that you are more bothered about yourself and your material things than your sibling is your right. Of course it is. But you can’t expect not to be judged for it. You are firmly showing your priorities.

And whilst it’s up to the sister if she takes offence, if you do something that would be likely to give offence, you don’t get to avoid the consequences of that, either. I think those saying that she should prepare for it to damage her family relationships are absolutely right.

Them’s the breaks, really. If you are much better off financially than your sibling, and you clearly don’t want to do anything to help them out when you can, because it would be inconvenient to you, don’t be surprised if you come across as a rather self-interested and venal person who values property and money above family and also kind of wants to rub it in to your less fortunate sibling.

You have a closer relationship with Sarah, and trust her more. You wouldn’t have to put your household items in storage, and you’d have room to stay when you visit.

If your sister has the house you’ll have to pay out for storage as well as for hotel rooms when you come back to visit. Are you confident that she would leave when the time came, or would it be a case of ‘your poor sister needs the house, you can always afford something else’. Would she look after the house, or is she likely to think she doesn’t need to bother because it’s just you, rather than a landlord. If (when) it gets damaged would she pay for repairs, or would she/your family emotionally blackmail you with ‘how can you take money from your poor sister and her children?’?

I would absolutely stick with Sarah. You’ve got a good plan already, no need to change it. Again, you are in no way responsible for your sister or her family. If she decides to hold it against you then that’s her problem, not yours. Don’t fuck yourself and your own family over in the name of being ‘nice’ to your extended one.

If you aren't comfortable with your sister and her family in your house, don't allow it.
If the niece stays, bolster her up against sister trying to force her way in/browbeat the niece into letting them all stay.

I've had people with three children round at my house for the afternoon. It felt like being raided by barbarians. They were nice people, but too many of them.

I’d focus on the fact you want to stay there when you return and if her family are there then there isn’t space.

4 kids? That would be some going... And for the to be running around a house causing damage in that time as well. Impressive.

YANBU, your sister isn't entitled to your house because she has a big family.

But you’re quite happy for the OP to tell her DH that he has to upset HIS sister when the arrangement has already been made
Which is more “upsetting”? For the one sister to be told that the offer that that been made and accepted is being withdrawn, or the other one being told that other arrangements have already been made?
They are BOTH family. They both have equal “claims” on their relationship.
YOU might choose to upset your DHs family over your own, but most people will look at the bigger picture and not want to cause that kind of family drama.

But that’s assuming that those relationships are in fact worth more than OP’s property, although given that the house is also her husband’s it’s worth asking what the consequences would be to that relationship if she lets sister have the house. And her relationship with Sarah.

Not all family relationships are particularly valuable ones worth prioritizing over anything else. If the consequence of this is her sister cutting her off on account of OP not housing her for free, then frankly OP’s onto a winner.

I don't agree someone is not putting family first if they refuse the sister. I think you benefit the sister and do her good if she is forced to stand on her own two feet. She made her bed and should lie on it.

It also depends how people see their house. Lots of posters have a kind of ‘it’s only bricks and mortar attitude’. Actually, to me my house is something I pour my heart and soul into. It’s where I feel safe and where I surround myself with good quality, carefully chosen things that I prioritised and worked hard for. It puts distance between me and my chaotic childhood. So it’d be a cold day in hell before I let a large, unruly family move in. Nope, not in a month of Sundays.

However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them

They can think what they like-it doesn’t mean you have to do what they want.

I would also say that you are looking for a house sitter and don't want the house to be 'used' while you are away.

It could be tricky getting your sister out if the contract is cut short whereas your neice could stay for a couple of weeks.

Just say no.

"Hi sis, I think there's a misunderstanding. We wanted a house-sitter, not tenants. This is why we're not letting the house out through agents.

"We'll be coming back several times a year, and it will be easy enough to fit Sarah round us, or she might even go to her boyfriend's if she preferred. Whereas it would be very expensive and inconvenient for you to get the house back into the state we left it, and for all six of you to decamp to a Holiday Inn for several weeks, several times a year.

"Also, have you realised that if you give up your current flat before finding somewhere new, you could end up being homeless when we return for good? We don't know when that might be, and it could well be sooner than our current plans."

What if your sister doesn't save enough up to buy? You might have to evict her.

I agree. Also, that annoys me - you have worked to be "privileged". I have a BIL with the same attitude, thinks that we should give him money/items rather than lend as we can afford it (he could too, but chooses to waste his money then expects others to pay his outgoings).

Without a doubt I would let my sister stay in the house. You're in a way better position than she seems to be, but they are trying to save, and buy their own place. I would want to discuss her timeframe, their savings plan, their general plan, so there's a concrete framework progressing towards their buying their own place. But I would absolutely help my own sister in this situation. And I'd just suck up the staying in a hotel.

Not all family relationships are particularly valuable ones worth prioritizing over anything else. If the consequence of this is her sister cutting her off on account of OP not housing her for free, then frankly OP’s onto a winner.

Then that’s her choice and that’s that. You make it crystal clear that the choice is between keeping her house nice and not inconveniencing herself, and dumping her sibling. Fair enough — the OP has made it near those are her priorities and clearly those would be yours too! And those of many people on the thread.

But she shouldn’t be under any delusions that it will probably mean no real family relationship with her sister for the future because her own convenience comes first.

As you say — OP is “on to a winner, dumping what others have called her “freeloading” sister and all her sister’s “unruly family” — I mean, why would anyone with a nice big house who has made it in life not want to dump their less financially lucky family members, eh? How embarrassing to be expected to help them out, when surely the condition of the carpets really MUST be a priority.

FWIW, we lived and worked abroad for many years and let our house out (to well vetted tenants) via a reputable agent. When fellow expats heard what commission we were paying the agent, they were WTF? You’re mad!

Many of them had rented their houses to family or friends.

Without exception, every single one we knew of who’d rented to f or f, ended up with a load of trouble - refusing to pay the rent, trashing the place, refusing to leave when the family finally returned. And all had trusted them completely.

One friend had left his own BiL to let and manage his house. When he returned, he only just managed to save his house from repossession - instead of paying the mortgage, the BiL had used the rent money to install his mistress in a flat!

Call me a nasty cynic, but could you be sure that your single niece would not sublet to all sorts? It’d surely be horribly tempting.
Please be warned, that’s all I’m saying.

But she shouldn’t be under any delusions that it will probably mean no real family relationship with her sister for the future because her own convenience comes first

If her sister puts those sort of conditions on a sibling relationship then she's horribly entitled.

This!!!

I can see why your sister would ask but I can also see why you would say no. Your sister needs to respect your decision.

However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them

Presumably you grew up in the same household. How are you more privileged

Do they mean you made different choices to your sister and now you have your own home and your sister doesn’t.

Life is a series of choices, Each one impacts our future. No one is responsible for choices that others have freely made.

If other family members are saying you are selfish because you won’t help your sister Maybe they too need to look at their actions. Why are they not helping. Why do they think it is only you who can help.

Your sister chose to marry someone who lacked money and ambition to be in a position to buy a house.
Your sister chose to have 4 children.
Your sister wants to have it all and expects it to be provided for her.
If your sister really wanted her own property. She would have it by now.
The fact that she doesn’t and expects you to provide her with free accommodation to my mind means that even if you get back in 5 years time. Nothing will be saved and you won’t be able to get her out of the hous as she won’t probably have a deposit for a rented place.

I would be wary that letting your niece stay will just end up with the whole family putting pressure on her to let your sister and the rest of the family into the house and they won’t leave.

Personally I would go for a btl tenant and have things done legally

You'll never get her & her children out of your house.