Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

[timeaway4now]

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

Are the situations 100% identical?

We made the mistake of renting out our home to a large family when we went abroad for work for a few years. It was a disaster. They refused to move out when we returned and we had to evict them and the place was absolutely trashed, thousands of pounds of damage.

Large families can be hard on houses and have difficulty finding another place. There's no way in hell they'll save enough for a deposit in two years either, not in a larger house with higher CT and utilities costs and a COL crises.

You might well wind up in the hideous situation of having to legally evict them, which takes months.

You are either the baddy now not letting her stay or the baddy when you come back and are “throwing them out on the street”.

Plus people who move back from overseas don’t necessarily end up back in the same place or at least consider moving due to changed circumstances whilst they are away. What happens then?

Sarah is also “family”
Would you let down one family member that you’d already offered the house to, to pacify another?

My own sister would probably have been my first port of call, because that’s the relationship that WE have, but not everyone has the same kind of relationship. In addition to which, if Od offered it to someone else, and the offer had been accepted, then I wouldn’t backtrack not even for my baby sister. In fact, not even for one of my own children.

Agree.

The OP has a husband.
It is HIS house too.

He isn't under ANY obligation to hand over his home to 6 people and hope for the best.

The wear and tear is likely to be huge.

I think the OP would want to look at it going pear shaped and ask herself how will she feel and how will her husband feel.

Her husband would have to be 100% happy with this.

She is not close to her sister.
She does not owe her her house free of charge.
Nope.

I fully accept this might sound horrid, but I’d be hard pushed to let a family with 4 kids visit my house let alone live in it!

Housing crisis is absolutely not irrelevant. This is a discussion about whether OP is being reasonable. Choosing an action which feeds into a housing crisis with no good reason is absolutely unreasonable.

Of course we shouldn’t have to rely on homeowners to be reasonable to address the housing crisis - public policy should massively disincentivise people living in massive houses they don’t need.

Personally, I can see many, many reasons why I would not be happy about the idea of a family of 6 moving into my house vs one single person. The wear and tear, breakages and extra costs of having things in storage, hotel costs are just not something I would want to risk. There is a possibility that these could be quite high with young children, especially if things are chaotic.

I’d also be wary of the emotional pull of the “if you don’t give in to her request/demand it will damage your relationship forever” argument. Yes, there is a possibility your sister will be hurt but there is also a chance that this might not all go swimmingly, leaving your relationship damaged anyway. And you might be out of pocket and inconvenienced to boot. For example, Even with a tenancy agreement there is no way to ensure she will pay- in my experience family members who put emotional pressure on you to help them (significantly) financially when you’ve indicated you are not entirely comfortable with it, are not always the most forthcoming when it comes to settling up. I mean, if they decided not to pay to repair/ the extra up-keep and wear and tear of fixtures and fittings, OP would potentially have to take them to court. I wouldn’t want the stress of that hanging over me.

of course Sarah may also do that, but I imagine cost of putting right wear and tear of one woman is entirely different to a family of 6 and therefore more manageable. Plus no additional storage/ hotel costs.

it is nice to help out where you can, but if this does not work for you financially or practically then you should not be made to feel guilty. Your sister and her husband chose to have 4 children whilst living in a flat, so they must have been prepared to live as they are. It’s not like they are going to be homeless.

I think @Scianel and @crikeycrumbsblimey have made the good point that the OP has been too diplomatic to make. Even if the OP lets them move in, is there going to be any emotional pressure when the time comes for them to move out...?

^^This. Am a bit surprised that so many posters think it’s better to have the single niece to stay. If I were the sister I’d be hugely upset and it would really damage the relationship permanently.

If I were you, OP, I would think that I was pretty lucky to be able to afford to leave a large house without rental income for several years; and that I would try to use that to do a favour for my less lucky sibling and her children.

Bear in mind that your decision will impact on not only your relationship with your sister, but your family relationship with her family and children too. If you decide to go with the single niece, that’s your prerogative of course: but in that case I’d prepare to largely lose your family relationship with your sister and her children, probably permanently. It’s the kind of decision that has long term effects in families; and could affect your son’s relationship with his cousins permanently going forward. I wouldn’t cause such potential family heartache just for fear of a few minor furniture or paint scuffs or breakages.

It's up to the sister if it impacts the relationship or not.

Rubbish.

There is a massive difference between not allowing her sister the help when it comes at no cost to herself (ie when she won’t need the house 90% of the time) and not allowing her sister to stay when she is back to needing the house.

No one is going to claim she would be unreasonable not to pay for her sisters housing if it comes at a cost. But that is different to her choosing not to help her sister out when it comes at no real cost.

YABU.

I would let your sister and her family stay. They would clearly benefit more. Sarah would be more suited to a flat surely.

You are not responsible for your sister or her children. Let her be mad. If not letting her live in, and likely damage, your house for free is enough to ruin the relationship then so be it.

Surely it's about what benefits the OP more?

I sort of agree with this. Although suddenly having 4 noisy kid's next door doesn't also appeals to me, & really important to keep on good terms with neighbours!

It depends on your relationship. If it was my sibling I would want them to have chance to save for a deposit and have a better home life with more room, but it’s totally fine if you don’t want that.

as a long term renter I really get your sisters predicament and I often feel like if someone gave us a break like that it would utterly change my life, my kids life and our future.

however I can completely see how it doesn’t work and why your concerned about 6 people using your house vs 1. Plus your stuff and hotel issues.

im not saying your wrong, just expect her to be hurt. Because she’s going to feel you are saying she won’t look after the place and it’s going to inconvenience you.
your reasoning is utterly sound and I totally get it, especially the damage aspect. It makes it very awkward if anything happens. I am also empathetic as to why she asked.

i think your answer needs careful wording that your worried about any awkwardness around damage, that it could ruin your relationship if you have to come back early and they move out, that they are more vulnerable then a single person to try to find housing again at the end. As well as the additional hassle of storing your stuff and hotels.
i would also go through your bills with her, the extra council tax, electric etc may not give her the saving she is thinking it will.

I see both sides, but ultimately you could have decided to rent it out to a family while you were away, but you decided to get a house sitter instead and Sarah fitted the bill.
Tell your sister that you need to come back regularly for visits and not pay for a hotel when back, your stuff is all staying as you don't want the cost of getting a removal company to put it all in storage (which is expensive). And that if your work contract or wherever was cut short you wouldn't want her to be in the position of having to move out at a months notice so it's better to stick to just having a house sitter.

Your relationship with her might be damaged as a result, but it sounds like she has demanded, and not asked /suggested. And that's what's done the damage, the entitlement.

OR the OP could stick with the plan that she’s already agreed to, and not cause problems with her DHs sister/ family/ niece, who currently is the one who will be house sitting, in a mutually beneficial arrangement.
If the sister takes umbrage, then that’s her burden to carry, not the OPs.

It’s your house, you’re closer to your DH’s niece than your sister and her kids and I think your sister’s been a bit entitled really, expecting you to pick her instead when she was never in the running to stay.

If my bro said he was leaving the country for a few years and was letting another family member stay there while he was gone, it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask him to change his mind and pick me instead, even if I did need it more. I’d assume that he’d thought it all through and had decided on something that suited him better and I’d respect that decision.

I really feel your sister is kinda trying to emotionally blackmail you. It’s a shame but I would stand firm against the family judginess. It’s your house so make the devision that’s right for you.

I would try to use that to do a favour for my less lucky sibling and her children.

Well this is a bit of a jump. Who is to say that the sister was unlucky? Maybe she just made crappy decisions (like 4 kids without good financial means) and thinks the world owes her something.

You think someone who feels entitled to live rent free in a siblings house won’t feel entitled to outstay their welcome?

Also who knows what will be happening in the housing market when they come There is a chance they won’t be able to find somewhere to live so whose responsibility will that be then?

Would your sister actually use the saved money for a deposit is another question or would they waste the opportunity and not be able to move out when you come back?

If you do it, draw up a proper contract. And that may mean you have to charge something so it is legally a rental, that could cover the cost of removals and storage. That should also include a deposit put in a proper deposit place for any breakages or damage and a clear part on giving notice. Maybe when you break all that down plus the council tax she will realise it's not as straightforward as she thought it would be