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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

599 replies

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:36

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

OP posts:
TeaKlaxon · 04/09/2022 18:13

The reasons you give are all fixable.

You could agree to your sister on the basis that she puts her stuff in storage and with enough of a deposit for breakages. Unless your DS and family is genuinely anti-social, neighbours’ concerns also not a major problem - living near kids is something people just have to put up with. You could also agree that you will stay when you come to visit and even state that your own bedroom should be kept empty for when you return (even if that means kids sharing). Or alternatively tell DS that you’d expect her to cover the costs of hotels and agree an annual amount to do so.

For me if you have a chance to help out a relative at no real cost to yourself you should do so. If it’s a case that Sarah is also looking to save money to buy and you’ll be helping family in either scenario then fair enough. But if not I think it’s pretty selfish not to help out your sister (unless you have a bad relationship with her or you generally don’t think she’s deserving of your help).

Also more generally there is a massive housing crisis. Filling a large house with a single occupant is a massively inefficient use of property. Allowing your sister to stay would release her rental onto the market allowing a family that need it to rent it.

Beverley71 · 04/09/2022 18:18

Just say it’s all been agreed, contracts drawn and everything and you won’t go back on your word

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/09/2022 18:24

TeaKlaxon · 04/09/2022 18:13

The reasons you give are all fixable.

You could agree to your sister on the basis that she puts her stuff in storage and with enough of a deposit for breakages. Unless your DS and family is genuinely anti-social, neighbours’ concerns also not a major problem - living near kids is something people just have to put up with. You could also agree that you will stay when you come to visit and even state that your own bedroom should be kept empty for when you return (even if that means kids sharing). Or alternatively tell DS that you’d expect her to cover the costs of hotels and agree an annual amount to do so.

For me if you have a chance to help out a relative at no real cost to yourself you should do so. If it’s a case that Sarah is also looking to save money to buy and you’ll be helping family in either scenario then fair enough. But if not I think it’s pretty selfish not to help out your sister (unless you have a bad relationship with her or you generally don’t think she’s deserving of your help).

Also more generally there is a massive housing crisis. Filling a large house with a single occupant is a massively inefficient use of property. Allowing your sister to stay would release her rental onto the market allowing a family that need it to rent it.

Why do they have to be "fixable"? There is no mistake to fix. OP would prefer Sarah to live there.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/09/2022 18:25

Louise0701 · 04/09/2022 18:06

I’d rather have a family than a young, single person who may have parties etc and people staying.

OP hasn't mentioned Sarah's social life either way so we can't assume if there are parties either way but it's a bit naive to think 4 kids are going to do no wear and tear in the house over 3 years.

thunderhoney · 04/09/2022 18:26

Louise0701 · 04/09/2022 18:06

I’d rather have a family than a young, single person who may have parties etc and people staying.

You don’t think the teenager will have parties?

Louise0701 · 04/09/2022 18:27

@ChateauxNeufDePoop I don’t think for one minute a family of 6 won’t cause wear and tear. It’s a given. What I do think is naive is the OP assuming a single person wont cause any.
We have many rental properties and the ones in a worst state of the end of a tenancy are always the ones that were occupied by young, single people. Without fail.

ElspethTascioni · 04/09/2022 18:29

If it was one of my sisters, I’d say yes with no hesitation. But that’s the relationship I have with my sisters.

TeaKlaxon · 04/09/2022 18:33

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/09/2022 18:24

Why do they have to be "fixable"? There is no mistake to fix. OP would prefer Sarah to live there.

Show quote history

Fine. But none of the reasons she gives are particularly convincing.

OP can obviously do whatever she likes with her house. But the question is whether she is being reasonable or not. I don’t think a single person occupying a four bedroom house when families are struggling to find rental properties, and others, including OP’s sister cannot begin to hope to buy is reasonable.

Unless, as I say, there is some reason OP’s sister is not deserving of her sister’s help.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/09/2022 18:34

Louise0701 · 04/09/2022 18:27

@ChateauxNeufDePoop I don’t think for one minute a family of 6 won’t cause wear and tear. It’s a given. What I do think is naive is the OP assuming a single person wont cause any.
We have many rental properties and the ones in a worst state of the end of a tenancy are always the ones that were occupied by young, single people. Without fail.

The OP hasn't mentioned anything about Sarah's personality so it's a bit of a moot point either way. She could be a secret rave organiser or a shrinking violet. Although if it was the former she may not have offered the house in the first place.

Theluggage15 · 04/09/2022 18:35

The OP is close to her niece so presumably knows her quite well. Completely different from your tenants @Louise0701

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/09/2022 18:36

TeaKlaxon · 04/09/2022 18:33

Fine. But none of the reasons she gives are particularly convincing.

OP can obviously do whatever she likes with her house. But the question is whether she is being reasonable or not. I don’t think a single person occupying a four bedroom house when families are struggling to find rental properties, and others, including OP’s sister cannot begin to hope to buy is reasonable.

Unless, as I say, there is some reason OP’s sister is not deserving of her sister’s help.

Show quote history

It's her house. She doesn't need to make a convincing argument. Although I would say the fact she wants to come back and visit from time to time and doesn't want the wear and tear caused by a family of 6 are decent enough tbf.

Louise0701 · 04/09/2022 18:36

@Theluggage15 why do you presume we didn’t know our tenants?

mydogisthebest · 04/09/2022 18:38

LilacPoppy · 04/09/2022 16:51

Well obviously it's hectic in a flat. Just have your sister pay for storage and pay to stay in a premier inn or similar when you visit. You are being pretty unkind really.

"Being pretty unkind"! What planet are you on?

Why on earth should she let her sister with her FOUR children live in her home and undoubtedly cause some damage and, quite likely, not want to leave when she returns?

Why do some posters not think the sister should take responsibility for her poor choices?

It may be hectic in a flat but who exactly forced her to have 4 children when she was living in a flat?

ClaudiasWinkleMan · 04/09/2022 18:40

She chose to have 4 kids. Not your problem.

MsRosley · 04/09/2022 18:42

No good deed goes unpunished. I can forsee dozens of ways this would blow up in your face. Personally I would refuse. Yes, it may well damage your relationship with your sister, but you risk that happening anyway, and being out of pocket when she refuses to cough up for trashing your house.

WoodlandMummy · 04/09/2022 18:44

This is a v difficult position to be put in. However, I would feel obligated to help my sister out and allow them to stay. I’d probably have suggested it in the first instance to be completely honest. However, you must lay ground rules. Your sister gives you a damage deposit, she pays for storage and for hotel accommodation for your return visits. First complaints from the neighbours and over noise, they are out immediately. If she cannot agree to these terms, the doesn’t get to stay. Awkward with what to say to Sarah now though, sod living with a noisy family as a single woman.

LuftBalloons · 04/09/2022 18:44

A thought experiment:

You allow your sister and family to live there under these conditions:

  • a peppercorn rent per annum to cover reasonable wear and tear
  • a contract that she’s held to that the house is redecorated at her expense after the 3 years
  • she pays for the storage of your furniture
  • she pays for you to stay in a hotel when you come back to visit

How would you feel about that?

Put these conditions to your sister, explaining that these are the costs involved in having her move into your house. See what she says.

codeshutyourmouth · 04/09/2022 18:44

TeaKlaxon · 04/09/2022 18:33

Fine. But none of the reasons she gives are particularly convincing.

OP can obviously do whatever she likes with her house. But the question is whether she is being reasonable or not. I don’t think a single person occupying a four bedroom house when families are struggling to find rental properties, and others, including OP’s sister cannot begin to hope to buy is reasonable.

Unless, as I say, there is some reason OP’s sister is not deserving of her sister’s help.

Show quote history

Housing crisis is irrelevant. OP doesn’t need to give any reasons, but as others have said; the fact they want to come back home
a few times a year would be perfectly sufficient. Why should OP have to fork out for accommodation while her sister sits and freeloads.

yougotthelook · 04/09/2022 18:45

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:59

@Teacupsandtoast There's no bad blood or anything between us. Her family is just a lot.

Her family?
They are also YOUR family.
I have a sister and I'd let her stay in my house in a heartbeat in your situation.
You sound like you've already made your mind up so I have no idea why you've even posted tbh.
Let's hope YOU are never in the position to need help from her, because you won't get it.

MsRosley · 04/09/2022 18:46

Thinking about it, I'd be tempted to take the easier way out. Rent the place out at full market value, say you've decided to use the money for something or other, but perhaps give your sis a 'sweetener' to help her get over the disappointment. Then put your furniture in storage, knowing you'll have more than enough money left over to redecorate when you come home.

Scianel · 04/09/2022 18:46

@FrippEnos OP has said that the niece will have a formal agreement of being their lodger.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/09/2022 18:46

My answer would depend on how likely it is your sister would pay for any damage incurred. If she’s be reasonable and lay then yes, I’d let her stay.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/09/2022 18:47

WoodlandMummy · 04/09/2022 18:44

This is a v difficult position to be put in. However, I would feel obligated to help my sister out and allow them to stay. I’d probably have suggested it in the first instance to be completely honest. However, you must lay ground rules. Your sister gives you a damage deposit, she pays for storage and for hotel accommodation for your return visits. First complaints from the neighbours and over noise, they are out immediately. If she cannot agree to these terms, the doesn’t get to stay. Awkward with what to say to Sarah now though, sod living with a noisy family as a single woman.

But then how would the sister save for a deposit on a house? Also, the sister should have at least suggested these things up front.

Sorry - the potential for this to go wrong and bite the OP on the bum is too big.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/09/2022 18:47

*say yes

MargaretThursday · 04/09/2022 18:48

I would stick to your original plan for several reasons:

  1. You have already offered it to Sarah, as a whole house, not in a stick you in the corner not occupied by a family
  2. Storage is expensive, and a hassle to get everything packed up. Then you have to unpack it. I bet your sister isn't offering to pay either so you'll end up out of pocket.
  3. Family will cause more wear and tear than a single person. Even if you just think of number of feet up the stairs every day!
  4. You want to come back and stay which won't be possible
  5. If she's making a fuss now, can you imagine what fuss she's going to make when you are returning, when you planned, but she still hasn't got enough money for a deposit, and rents have gone up so she can't afford it because they've got used to spending more as they don't have rent to pay.
  6. If your sister had asked once and taken "no" nicely then actually I might have reconsidered it. But she's obviously gone round and moaned to others and kept going on about it. I'd also have had more respect for her if she'd offered to pay some rent. The fact she's expecting to get it for free says a lot.

Having your sister stay sounds like you're going to end up massively out of pocket:
Storage, wear and tear, and needing a hotel when you come back. Did your sister offer to pay any of this? No.
If it was me in that situation, I'd have come to you and asked if it was possible for the space, and we'd pay you the rent we were paying. Yes, part of her idea is that she saves a deposit, but why should the OP be out of pocket so her sister can save? Did sister help her save her deposit? Sister is gaining a bigger house for the duration as well as not paying rent, so gains all round.