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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable for not letting my sister and her family live in our house while we are gone?

599 replies

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:36

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/09/2022 17:34

For me the biggest thing would be thT you want to be able to fly back & stay there from time to time.

Not going to happen with your sister & brood there.

mamabear715 · 04/09/2022 17:35

@timeaway4now HELL no.
Fot all the reasons posters have given, esp @LemonGelato

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/09/2022 17:37

YANBU at all

i don’t know where some people get their sense of entitlement from! Surely if you wanted to have to move all your stuff out and have a family live there, you’d put you house up for rent and get some money?

I think it’s okay to frame it as “we are looking for a house sitter, not tenants, as we don’t want the house to be ‘used’ in our absence”. Sarah is a single woman, a different kettle of fish from a family of 6”.

^^
This! Or a simple “that doesn’t fit with our plans”

FrippEnos · 04/09/2022 17:39

Just say that you have agreed to let Sarah stay and she has already given notice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2022 17:40

A friend, who has properties rented her flat to her niece and partner at a slightly below market rent for 3/4 years. She said her sister (the mum) often moaned about profiteering from her child. When they moved out, the house wasn’t left clean and some things had been damaged. To not fall out with her sister, she quietly paid for the cleaning and repairs.

sueelleker · 04/09/2022 17:41

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 14:36

My husband, son, and I are moving away for a few years. We were going to ask our niece, Sarah, to live in our house for free in return for looking after it until we return. She is currently looking for a new place in the area, so we thought it was good timing all around.

My sister found out about the situation and wants us to instead let her and her family live in the house because it’s much bigger and she wants more room for her kids. She and her husband have 4 children (ages 14, 11, 8, 6) in a small flat.

Our house on the other hand is larger, so the older two would be able to have their rooms. The house also has an office that my sister says we could convert to another bedroom so Sarah could live there for free as well. Although we know that Sarah wouldn’t want to as she prefers to live alone.

Aside from having more room my sisters other reasoning is that she and her husband want to to save up for a deposit for a house of their own. They have been having trouble doing so and living in our house rent free for a few years would help them a lot.

My main issues is that I don’t like the idea of a bunch of kids living in my house. Things get very hectic at my sister place. It makes me feel like it is inevitable that things would get damaged. I also worry about upsetting our neighbors with how loud they can get. Our area is generally very peaceful and quiet.

We would also have to deal with putting our things in storage to accommodate their furniture. Sarah doesn’t have many things so we would only have to rearrange somethings and store them in the spare bedrooms.

Lastly we planned on coming back to town to visit once or twice a year. If my sisters family was living here it would mean we would have to either stay in and pay for a hotel or we would have to deal with them being there and sleep in the house without our things.

Overall having my sister’s family live here makes us uncomfortable and just seems much more inconvenient than having Sarah stay. However my sister as well as some other relatives think we are being selfish not to help out them when we are more privileged than them.

YANBU. I expect your sister thinks you'll continue to pay all the utilities and council tax as well!

Therealjudgejudy · 04/09/2022 17:44

Yanbu. Your sister sounds like a freeloading CF!

Just say you have already made an arrangement with Sarah and it suits you all much better.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/09/2022 17:46

Don’t do it, you’ll never get your sister amd her family out 😬

FrippEnos · 04/09/2022 17:46

I do think that you need to have some sort of written arrangement with your Niece.

But for the rest I think that getting your DSis out when you move back will be a nightmare and can see you having to rent whilst fighting her to leave your house.

If you did get forced into your DSis moving in
I would make sure that she had a full tenancy agreement and that includes money to be paid (can't see her liking that) and leaving.

at least with your niece you could move back in whilst she looked for elsewhere.

Jamaisy82 · 04/09/2022 17:52

It's your choice entirely and I can see exactly why you would only want your neice there. I have a close relationship with my sister and would let her and family stay as it would mean alot more to them. You have every right to say no though as the wear and tear and noise would be worse. Go with your gut.

TheMerryWidow1 · 04/09/2022 17:52

Is yr sister expecting a total freebie to save money?

Nocutenamesleft · 04/09/2022 17:56

Even if you rent it to your sister for free. They will have the same control as a paying tenant. So ONLY give to whom you trust 100%. Don’t give it to someone who you might not be able to get rid of….

LuckyPeonies · 04/09/2022 17:57

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 15:33

@MyneighbourisTotoro no we are not particularly close. I am actually much closer with Sarah and see her regularly. So that may be why I feel more comfortable with her.

You are not being unreasonable. Your sister is an entitled CF who thinks she can use family connection to get her way.

You don’t owe her free, larger accommodations (and face the risk of damage to the house, having to coordinate staying elsewhere when you return on holiday, their potential inability to move out when you return for good, etc.) just because she has made bad choices.

thefamilyupstairs · 04/09/2022 17:57

I know someone who was moving away for two years for work and her sister and family moved in. The only problem was that when the owner finished her job and wanted the house back her sister (the tenant) said she couldn't find a suitable property and couldn't move out. Extended family guilt tripped her into letting them stay on and she had to rent somewhere until they did a year later. She very much felt it was a case of no good deed goes unpunished.

Sceptre86 · 04/09/2022 18:00

Assuming it's joint owned what does your partner think? Sarah is his or her sister's dd? I'd be inclined to agree with you in that the more people that live there the more the house will be used so of course more wear and tear. It sounds like you were going for more of a housesitter type of arrangement with Sarah so she wouldn't he using all the rooms, some could be closed over, you wouldn't need to move your belongings to accommodate her.

The first situation works better for you. That being said this would really help your sister out too howeveryou dont owe her anything and with 4 kods life would always be expensive. I think it's a decision you have to make with your partner ultimately considering your own future plans and what would work better for you.

Ponderingwindow · 04/09/2022 18:00

If the sister was showing that she wanted to really take this as an opportunity to get ahead financially, she wouldn’t have started with coming to the OP and asking for a free house. She would have researched costs for climate controlled storage for the contents of a home of this size. She would have looked at the costs of properly packing and moving the contents. She would try to work out an estimate of the utilities and taxes. Then she would come to op with a budget showing how she could cover all of those costs and still save x amount a month towards a home deposit. Without even starting on a draft budget, the sister has no idea if she can even afford to move into this house without op being out of pocket, let alone still save. That is even before any potential wear and tear or damages. She isn’t acting like a person who should be trusted with a house.

StoneofDestiny · 04/09/2022 18:01

I'd hate for any family to move into my home for so long - I'd not want to come back to spills, wear and tear or damage. You couldn't expect there to be none - and there would undoubtedly be upset that you were expecting such to be paid for when you are 'more privileged'. I'd stick with the niece and make sure I informed my insurance.

PrincessCarolyn · 04/09/2022 18:03

Don't do it. The arrangement with Sarah works well for both of you. The arrangement with your sister only works for her.

If there's bad feeling at this stage imagine the bad feeling there'll be when you eventually return to find the house kicked to bits, neighbours on the warpath and sister and family refusing to leave because they haven't finished saving the deposit yet.

EdithStourton · 04/09/2022 18:04

My experience of trying to help relatives financially is that if the piss can be taken, it will be. Even by the nicer relatives who you think you can trust.

Four children will be really hard on a house. But even with Sarah, I'd arrange a legally binding tenancy, so everyone is clear.

WGACA · 04/09/2022 18:05

Sarah! For all of the reasons previously stated. Your sister chose to have 4 children. She will not save enough for a deposit and she will not want to move out when you’re ready to come back!

reader12 · 04/09/2022 18:06

I think you’re right to say no. If you’re not close anyway, she’s basically just using you. It’s your house so you get to decide, not her.

Louise0701 · 04/09/2022 18:06

I’d rather have a family than a young, single person who may have parties etc and people staying.

AiryFairyLights · 04/09/2022 18:06

No no and NO again! You have plenty of valid reasons to refuse, but the main one is it’s YOUR house so your decision x

JustAnotherLawyer2 · 04/09/2022 18:09

timeaway4now · 04/09/2022 15:54

@JustCleaningtheBBQ we were planning on setting it up formally with Sarah as a lodger tenancy. So officially she would be renting a room from us. Of course we would be giving her more notice than required to move. We would actually be okay with her staying longer after we moved back if she needed more time.

She won't be a lodger.

Lodgers (or more correctly excuded occupiers) live with their resident landlord in their landlord's primary residence. Your primary residence will be abroad.

She'll be a tenant.

Not a problem if you trust her to not exert her rights when you want her to leave.

See a solicitor to draft your agreement.

Soontobe60 · 04/09/2022 18:11

SavingsThreads · 04/09/2022 14:50

I get your reasoning but if I was your sister I'd be incredibly hurt at your unwillingness to help me and I think it would severely
Damage the relationship. Unless there's a big backstory?

I agree with this. It’s going to cause a lot of upset, but then again as you’ll be away you won’t notice.
One point though, can Sarah actually afford to live in a 4 bed house? The bills will be sky high! - can you guarantee she won’t take in lodgers or move in a dodgy boyfriend that likes to grow weed as a hobby?