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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feels like friend is holding me to ransom !

173 replies

Pigsinmud99 · 04/09/2022 10:17

NC

I'm away with 3 friends. We're coming home today. 1 Friend doesn't want to leave until much later in the day. This is because she has no one to go home to, her husband isn't due home until 10pm. I want to be home mid afternoon so I can spend time with my DD as I've been away thurs- today (Sunday) but friend is purposely wanting to/suggesting making plans for today, so we get home tonight. Selfish ?

OP posts:
DoctorManhattan · 04/09/2022 12:01

One person’s wishes are as valid as the other, it doesn’t make them ‘selfish’.

Personally though, I’m of the opinion that if you’re away for a long weekend then make the most of it and enjoy the Sunday too. You have every other day in the year that you spend at home to talk to your kids. That’s just me though.

StoppinBy · 04/09/2022 12:02

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 11:32

Close enough to go away together

but then…. This

baffling

as for what to do op - fake an illness coming on and get better friends

Dramatic much?

It's a simple/slight disagreeance about who wants to go home at what time.

If you're friendship can't survive that strongly then you were never really friends.

OP is being dramatic, no one is holding her ransom (I'm assuming friend that wants to stay late is the driver), they just need an open conversation.

The friend isn't likely to be unable to go home to an empty house for a few hours but rather sees the empty house as an opportunity to do her own thing with friends today.

Talk it out and compromise.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2022 12:02

What do the other two want to do? Who's driving?

It isn't selfish to suggest staying late just like you're not selfish to want to go early.

mrsm43s · 04/09/2022 12:02

raindon · 04/09/2022 11:50

If someone wants to leave in the morning it is pretty shitty to force them to stay longer. It must feel incredibly trapping to be stuck there. I'd probably end up bursting into tears if I'm honest as I hate feeling trapped.

No. If someone wants to leave in the morning, it is up to them to make their own solo arrangements to do so rather than being shitty enough to try to force the rest of the party to cut their holiday short because it happens to suit them.

If they burst into tears in order to force getting their own way, then they are very selfish and very manipulative.

If you have specific needs and requirements, then you need to make sure that your make your own arrangements, rather than expecting everyone else to accommodate you.

Why do you think one persons wants should always trump everyone else's?

PegasusReturns · 04/09/2022 12:11

what was agreed when the trip was booked?

Alondra · 04/09/2022 12:16

It depends who is driving and whom the car belongs to.

If it's your car and you drive, you make the decisions. If you are a passenger in a car belonging to one of your friends, you are stuck. It's not a question who is right or wrong. It's whether you can go home earlier on your own transport.

ThanksItHasPockets · 04/09/2022 12:16

Who's driving? They get the casting vote.

littlebirdieblu · 04/09/2022 12:19

The driver gets this vote

Whataretheodds · 04/09/2022 12:20

raindon · 04/09/2022 11:51

Driver decide only applies if the driver wants to leave earlier than the others. No one is going to drive better after a long day of activities

Eh ? That makes no sense. So if I'm the driver and I want to leave at 3pm making the most of the last day on the beach, but someone else wants to leave at 10am, i have to suck it up and leave at 10? No way.

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 12:21

I was the driver for a weekend away with friends

no bloody way did it ever remotely occur to me that because I was the driver, I determine when we leave. Over dinner the night before we chatted about the following day and agreed that after a walk and lazy brunch, we would head off.

i assumed that it’s what all grown assed adults who were close friends would do. Mumsnet had put me straight though

BlancmanegeBunny · 04/09/2022 12:24

Who is driving and what was arranged when you booked?

Evilcountspatula · 04/09/2022 12:31

Surely friends who like each other enough to go away together in the first place would find it easy enough to reach a compromise in this situation?

Harrriet · 04/09/2022 12:32

Do we know who's driving yet!

burnoutbabe · 04/09/2022 12:35

i;d generally assume you'd leave somewjere like that after lunch. So breakfast and checkout, if a city break then lunch then collect car and head home. Arrive back later afternoon.

Unless its clearly a place with a sunday activity - like you have gone to watch a match.

after a few days away everyone is surely flagging and a sunday afternoon HAVING FUN is tiring.

I am assuming city break where the FUN activitiy is more wandering around same town you have been around already. maybe different if its a walking holiday and one more walk was planned.

BatshitBanshee · 04/09/2022 12:40

YANBU to want to go home at a decent time to see your DD but YABU to not just say sorry friend that doesn't work for me.

The tiebreak is what the original plan was - as in, has friend just decided to not leave at the original earlier time or have you decided you want to go home earlier.

pictish · 04/09/2022 12:41

burnoutbabe · 04/09/2022 12:35

i;d generally assume you'd leave somewjere like that after lunch. So breakfast and checkout, if a city break then lunch then collect car and head home. Arrive back later afternoon.

Unless its clearly a place with a sunday activity - like you have gone to watch a match.

after a few days away everyone is surely flagging and a sunday afternoon HAVING FUN is tiring.

I am assuming city break where the FUN activitiy is more wandering around same town you have been around already. maybe different if its a walking holiday and one more walk was planned.

This is what I think too. To me the usual assumption is that checkout time is head home time. Especially if there’s work in the morning. Cba to string it out for longer at that stage and never have. Too tired, too many other things to do.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/09/2022 12:41

Her view is as valid as yours (just different). If you discussed this before and she has changed the goal posts that’s different. However if it’s not been discussed before and it’s just you have different views on the leaving time, I would keep it fair and split the difference.

Evilcountspatula · 04/09/2022 12:43

I’m thinking OP was expecting a unanimous YANBU, hasn’t got the answer she wanted and is therefore not coming back……

raindon · 04/09/2022 12:44

Whataretheodds · 04/09/2022 12:20

Eh ? That makes no sense. So if I'm the driver and I want to leave at 3pm making the most of the last day on the beach, but someone else wants to leave at 10am, i have to suck it up and leave at 10? No way.

Show quote history

Yup. Why would you trap your friends somewhere

StaunchMomma · 04/09/2022 12:46

Can you not just compromise and leave in between?

I take it she's driving? Just tell her you expect to be home for eg 4pm as you need to see your child. If she persists in moaning about spending a few hours alone tell her bollox and remind her children come first.

Alondra · 04/09/2022 12:51

Evilcountspatula · 04/09/2022 12:31

Surely friends who like each other enough to go away together in the first place would find it easy enough to reach a compromise in this situation?

Obviously not the OP post as there are problems.

Hotandbothereds · 04/09/2022 12:51

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 11:32

Close enough to go away together

but then…. This

baffling

as for what to do op - fake an illness coming on and get better friends

There’s nothing wrong with her friends, how childish to suggest faking an illness rather than discuss this and come to an agreement, it’s really not even that complicated.

BigHoots · 04/09/2022 12:58

YABU you can see your Dd all the other days . Your friend doesn’t want to waste a day away.

Alondra · 04/09/2022 13:00

The OP hasn't said who is driving and whom the car belongs to, which has a huge influence in who makes the decision to go home earlier. It's not about being selfish, it's about the only person with the power to decide what time she wants to get home - the owner of the car and the driver.

DuesToTheDirt · 04/09/2022 13:00

I'm with your friend, if I'm away I like to make the most of it and not just leave after breakfast.

But yeah, split the difference in time.