AIBU to just let DD go to school with earrings in.

[PinkChaires]

School starts tomorrow and DD is saying that she will go to school her earrings in (not allowed). Now i dont agree that earrings shouldnt be allowed however they are the school rules. Ive said to her health and safety but she says that 1) my earrings are small and screw on- there is no chance of them falling off or getting caught on something. Tbh shes right- shes worn these earring from nursery right through primary school and there has never been an issue. 2) if its health and safety concerns why are the teachers wearing earrings. Shes right on this to- in events and parents evenings ive seen the teachers wear earrings/jewellery. Shes gotten phone calls home about this and got shouted at by the school but she says to me ' its a bit hard to take them seriously about the danger of earrings when they have like 5 earrings as well'. I cant get hett up about her wearing the earrings to school. Shes doing amazing in all other areas of school so far and this seems like a pointless rule
AIBU?

There’s always a reason for a rule, no matter how silly it may seem.

This is very true. Schools don't make them up and enforce them for jollies. But it's not a gulag - parents always have the choice to send their child elsewhere or indeed discharge their legal responsibility to provide an education by educating them on their own at home. There are many other options if wearing studs is so very important.

OP, why are you so involved in this? If your DD is 15, it's up to her whether she wears them or doesn't. You asked if you were BU to let her wear them for school, and then you said you didn't have any choice as you couldn't exactly rip them out of her ears. So why are you asking?

She's 15. Wearing earrings at school is a minor act of rebellion. If there are consequences, that's her problem. Why are you even giving it headspace or discussing it with her? If she's banging on about it, tell her to join the debating society or something.

FGS This is why schools have such a hard time with poor behaviour. You and your dd know the rules. You can't be arsed to enforce it so you pander to her and make up a load of bullshit reasons why she should wear them including

1. Teachers wear earrings. Teachers are adults and responsible for their own health and safety. They also get to talk when they want to and don't have to do PE. Unbelievable!
2. She says other people break the rules. You must have been living on another planet as a parent if you have never heard this crap from a teen before.
3. They are her lucky earrings. Give me a break!

Keeping to the rules is about more than the rules themselves. Schools that are strict with the small stuff don't have the big discipline issues. Give in on the small stuff, teens push harder on other rules. Your job is not to be her 'mate' but to support the school so they can spend their time teaching your dd rather than have to get her to take her earrings out.

I wonder if there will be a sad face picture in the DM, I hope so, earrings will make a change from too tight trousers, rebellious hair, or shoes that are really trainers.

Thanks for this attitude. We have a no food and drink policy in our school library. The library staff spend about 20% of their time having to argue the toss with the students when they bring things in (even including bacon sandwiches, fish and chips, etc.) They allow water and, the amount of this that gets spilled on the tables confirms their policy not to allow hot or fizzy drinks. And then they are told "my parents don't care how I behave in the library". So glad that they are providing an opportunity for children to rebel in a safe manner!

BTW, she's daft to wear 'special earrings' for school, as they're likely to get lost. Again, though, that's her problem.

I agree with @JennyForeigner; one of my former pupils ended up at an industrial tribunal because she was dismissed from her job as a dental nurse, having refused to have her nail extensions removed. She tried to claim sex discrimination, despite the fact that young chaps these days have been known to sport varnish at all.
Unluckily for her, the tribunal found that the dress rules pertaining to her work (bare arms from the elbows down, short unvarnished nails for reasons of hygiene) took precedence, and I believe she had to pay costs as well.
Your daughter observes quite correctly that some dress rules do not apply to teachers, but one difference is that, as an adult, I would not expect the school to "carry the can" for any foolishness on my part; if I chose to wear precious earrings to school (either in monetary or sentimental terms), took them out for vigorous activity and lost them, I would not expect the school to take responsibility for their loss.
I'd be surprised if there wasn't a dress code for the staff as well, either formal or informal; at my last school, I remember a gentle reminder that, as the holidays drew to a close, some pupils would be around for pre-term events, and term-time attire might be more suitable.

I’d point out that if the school ring you you will be backing the school and any punishment up. And I’d point out the risk of them getting lost if she is made to remove them or disappearing from the changing room during pe. Then I’d let her get on with it, she wants to fit in with her friend and if the school are lax with the rules then teenagers push back against it. When I was at school it was make up and short skirts that were a no no and at least 80% of the girls had makeup troweled on and skirts rolled up. Nothing was done so it was only an extra thing to bully the few of us too scared to break the rules about.

Your attitude is teaching her that she doesn't really have to have respect for rules. The fact that teachers wear earrings has nothing to do with it. They, I presume, teach, and do not have to take part in the activities that the school deems would pose a health and safety threat to an earring wearer. Deliberately wearing earrings is a form of insolence, and negates the fact that she's "Doing amazing" as you put it. Did you mean she's doing amazingly well?

This. Exactly.
She is enjoying confrontation and it does her no good. The teachers have better things to do than police uniform but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

My friends little sister got whacked somehow (not at school) and the whole stud and backing went in to the ear lobe. She had to have it cut open, taken out and sewn back together. They were the safety studs you have in at the start.

I think it’s a silly rule- simple studs should be fine.
However, it’s a school rule and really earrings are not that big a deal so I’d advise her to take them out.

I’m a teacher in a secondary school and I agree that it seems harsh not to allow earrings at all; most I have worked in allow one pair of studs. However, rules are rules and whether you really agree with them
or not, parents and schools need to work together to enforce the rules so that there are no mixed messages when it comes
to expectations and behaviour.

The part of this that concerns me
the most from this post is that they are earrings of sentimental value. As they are against the rules, it’s highly likely that she will be asked to take them out. This means keeping them safe on her person for the rest of the day. Pupils in my previous forms have lost no end of rings, bracelets etc that it then turns out have sentimental value in this way. Such a shame for the pupil/family but so easily avoidable and unfortunately with things as small as rings and earrings, very difficult to find in a school.

Just to add - I have never agreed with school uniform and I find it immensely frustrating as a parent. But I enforced the rules rigidly when I was a teacher because if a student in my form was spotted in the day wearing something forbidden, I would get reprimanded for not dealing with it in registration. So yes, I went round checking shoes and confiscating earrings and wasting my time ringing parents about violations because it was my job, I would be in trouble for not doing it and I had zero say whatsoever in what the uniform policy was.

Oh, and I adhered to the staff dress code myself, obviously not the student one - so yes, I could wear jewellery. Children do have to abide by different rules to adults! It's really bizarre to see people arguing that they shouldn't.

I'm very glad to be out of the sometimes petty and illogical world of schools, but please know the beleaguered form tutor ringing you about your kid's haircut or whatever is not doing it for fun - particularly in the world of multi academy trusts, rules come from the top and teachers can't ignore them any more than students can.

If she’s going to flout the rules she can take the punishment like you said. I’d just suggest she’s got a small box or envelope with her to keep them safe in. It sounds like she’d be devastated if one fell out of her bag and she lost it

You are her parent not the school. It is your responsibility to do more than just not encourage the behaviour.

Of course teens will rebel. It is your responsibility as a parent to resolve this before it becomes another problem the school ultimately has to deal with, and a distraction from educating the children, due to feckless parenting.

The school will have behaviour problems to deal with every day, why do you think it is remotely acceptable for you to add to their load?

What consequences are you giving her? Or is that too much parenting effort for you?

If it really is unacceptable, find a non selective state school with rules to suit your daughter.

All these people saying they don't think their DC should have to follow rules if they think they're 'stupid'...

What marvellous children you must be raising. 🙄

I think the health and safety bit is a red herring. I think the best part of simple dress rules at school is that the whole rest of culture is all about creating nice little consumers - express yourself by buying stuff and adorning yourself. Your worth is your appearance. We need some spaces for young people where what you look like or what your fashion sense is, is supremely unimportant.

teenagers should be allowed to play around with their style. - yes maybe but not all the time.

Where, apart from school, can they learn that they can be impressive without the armour of hair dye or trendy clothes? Where each person is judged by what they say, do, write and think?

Screw makeup and jewellery at school. Screw hair dye and shorter skirts. Put everyone in baggy comfy jumpsuits and let them learn.

I do think by year 10 though a teen doing something that isn't risking others, causing damage or harm to anything should be their decision. As a parent of course you can explain why x needs to be done and why it's important (albeit in this case would take quite some imagination as its a stupid rule), but ultimately its up to them and they can learn that these decisions have consequences. At uni met plenty of people who had evidently been told what to do past a reasonable age and they were useless at making reasoned decisions for themselves.

When I was a child my mother did her own parenting and this included making sure I didn't break the rules on her watch.

I’d let her crack on with what she wants to do. I’d drop the thing about ‘well teachers do it so why can’t I?’ because it’s senseless.

It may seem that your daughter's earrings are a safe type, but schools have to make a blanket rule or people will push it, and teachers don't have time to faff with making judgement calls on this type of thing. It's simpler (and the only workable way) to say 'no earrings' than to have to constantly check, give reasons, deal with other students saying 'But x or y is wearing a bigger pair' etc.

I agree that, while she's at the school, she needs to obey the rules - otherwise, as with laws in adult life, where do you draw the line? We can't decide for ourselves which laws/rules are good, and which we'll ignore. Apart from anything else, your daughter may not understand the big picture which teachers have to deal with. Also, how will she feel if she loses one? I hope she won't bother a busy teacher!!

Just toe the line - it's not worth a fight with the school. And I think her analogy with what teachers are allowed to do is silly and irrelevant.

Presumably this is why my school have been pushed to the point of having a policy where if something has to be confiscated twice it won't be given back until a parent comes into school to collect it.

All the, let the school with it, I cba arguing with a teen, etc does seem to go down the drain when the parent is actually inconvenienced by their lack of parenting. At my school now, and my school is not Michaela style, very restorative model orientated, etc., those earrings would be gone until you could be arsed to find a way to try and make it into school during the receptionist's office hours to collect them.

For some parents they have to go through stamping their feet and screaming at the head on the phone several times to no avail to accept that yes they really will have to come into school to get Bob's phone themselves. For some they have to go through this twice. All eventually step up and do some active parenting eg. tell Bob next time he has his phone out at school and gets it confiscated they won't be going out of their way to pick it up for at least a week or the phone will be confiscated by them for a week after collection.

They really don't give a shit until until it impacts them and their time and energy. And as said some will scream and shout and stamp their feet worse than their children (they don't lick it up off the floor as an old friend would say). Perhaps more schools should do this. If parents no longer have any intrinsic motivation to parent their children then extrinsic motivations have to be imposed. How tragic to have to deal with adults this way!

What is the point of that though. Once they get to year 10 there's very little a parent can do if their kid is a shit.