OTT Preparations for sending DC to university?

[sheepdogdelight]

I'm on WIWIKAU and am finding the level of preparation that some parents are making for their children going to university to be - a lot ...

When I went to university, my parents dropped me off at the station and I had a rucksack and 2 suitcases as that was all I could carry. I took basically clothes, books and a few kitchen basics that I'd bought from a charity shop. My parents bought me nothing.

By contrast it seems that everyone in WIWIKAU is buying up new sets of bedding, kitchen stuff, piles of stationary, random things that might be useful - it's all paid for and in most cases organised by parents.

I accept that my parents were at the "uninvolved" end of the parental spectrum, but is the WIWIKAU type parent the norm these days? Seems a bit OTT?

I spent loads of money buying posters and alpaca shit in freshers week

Wow @kimchifox I can see how that would quickly burn through your grant. Alpaca shit is still really expensive. For example, these people Alpaca Shit charge £15 for 400g, but you can probably find it cheaper if you shop around.

My eldest goes to uni in a week. Shared flat, but not sure what’s there. I’ve got her a frying pan and standard pan out of the cupboard, she’s taking a few pieces out of the spare crockery stash, and same for cutlery. She doesn’t do duvets, so is taking her stash of blankets and her weighted blanket. Clothes and her old laptop make up the rest. Blankets and clothes may well get vacuum bagged, but that’s because we have them and means she doesn’t need to store a huge case in her room.

I’ll be sending her with a few bits and bobs for laundry - small box of pods, bottle of softener, and a socktopus. She has her own little stash of kitchen spices that she refuses to live without, as well as a couple of jars of kimchi.

We’re taking her over too. Will possibly take her for a bit of lunch before we head off.

Neither her dad or I got much in the way of help at uni, and we want to be supportive.

Yep, I'm astounded by the interest parents take in their DC.

Imagine choosing to have children and, shock horror, taking an interest in their lives.

DD is off to uni in a couple of weeks. We’ve bought her new bedding, crockery, towels etc, everything we (and she) thinks she might need. Why wouldn’t we if we can afford to do so? We’re paying for the accommodation but beyond that she’ll be budgeting herself so if I can give her the gift of not having to worry about the cost of a pan or a duvet until they need to be replaced in a number of years time then I will.

And we’re taking her to her halls and helping her get settled in. In fact we’re going to her new city the day before she moves in and having one last family day on her new turf before life all changes. Hopefully it means we’ll have a bit of familiarity with some of the landmarks she is bound to become much better acquainted with and have those as points of reference for discussion later.

One good way you get cheap stuff is if the SU has a sale. I don't know if all universities do this.

How it works is that graduating students drop off all householdy stuff they no longer want in June, SU stores it over the summer, and sells it seriously cheaply in September. Profits to SU, less stuff to landfill, cheap serviceable stuff for the buyers

😂

Haha! I went in 1996, and was dropped off by your dad. I was the first one there in my flat, so spent the first night alone, making cheesy pasta ! Dad took me with bedding, etc from home, but I did get new towels and some kitchen things - although the flat had the basics provided. I also got a trip to the local Sainsbo’s for a big shop, even including a bottle of vodka!

We didn’t have a telly until after Xmas, when one of my flat mates brought one back. We made do with the radio/CD players we each had. No phones, no washing machine - had to go to the communal laundry, and queue for the pay phone! Different times…..

I now work in HE, and see all parts of the spectrum. Some students arrive alone, on the train, with a rucksack. Others have their own cars, packed to the gunnels with brand new stuff. My Uni organises a couple of IKEA/big Asda trips on a coach, for students in halls to get the things they need. I’m impressed with the set up of the rooms, and you can pay a fee for the inclusion of bedding, etc, in case you can’t carry it (for example, international students). I think it’s a good opportunity for parents to remember that these are young adults, making their first steps out in the world, and an excellent way to help them to some independent resilience.

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️ my dad. Not your dad.

I went to uni in the 90s and my parents did help me get stuff and drove me 250 miles to uni. It was normal and not out, all my flatmates also were brought by their parents with stuff they needed.

Both DC got
Duvet, bedding and mattress topper,
Argos kitchen starter set,
Clothes airer,
A rug,
And first food shop.

DC were also dropped to uni, taken for lunch and then left them to it. For what I could see, most dc were being dropped off by parents.

My twins started in 2012. Same weekend, in opposite directions. I think we bought everything new, but basic, mostly from Tesco with Clubcard vouchers. They had double duvets in anticipation of them moving out into shared houses in second year. I didn't want to have to replace everything. I split crockery, cutlery and glasses sets between them so they had two of everything. We discussed what they were likely to cook and made sure they had the right equipment, a lidded saute pan and small pyrex casserole dish earned their keep, as well as plastic food storage boxes for freezing portions.
We also took them for a big food shop and a meal before we left them.
They were warned that I wouldn't be happy if they brought excessive amounts of laundry back with them when they visited and seemed to cope perfectly well with keeping on top of it. They could even keep an eye on their laundry from their laptops.
Yes take sports equipment if they're into any sports as unis all seem to have multiple sports clubs. We took a bike for one of them but ended up doing a second trip from the Midlands to Devon a few weeks later with a road bike after the discovery of a triathlon club.
Accidents happen, so make sure they know how to get hold of you in an emergency if they lose/damage their phones. These days we tend not to remember phone numbers because they're stored in our phones!
Home made cake and alcohol work well as ice breakers when getting to know your flatmates.

My parents would never have thought to accompany me, it was a step in my independence to go alone to various UK cities.

1. DD wanted me to go to open days with her.
2. Northern Rail were on strike every Saturday between August Bank Holiday and Christmas, and DD doesn't drive so she couldn't have gone on her own even if she had wanted to.

This thread is in danger of turning into the 4 Yorkshiremen, but very few halls are catered these days, and nothing is provided in the rooms except for furniture.

And yes, I admit to rolling my eyes at mothers who spend all summer sobbing at the idea of their young adult going to university. I love DD to bits, but am desperate for her to be completely independent. I am not a clingy parent.

I nearly got thrown out by daring to suggest that it was the parents' responsibility to ensure their PFBs could cook, wash dishes and know how to use a washing machine plus other life skills.

When I went to uni, my parents said they'd take me there at the start of the year, and pick up at the end, but then I had to use the train for the rest of it. So I did get new bedding as I didn't want to trail that back and forth.
I had a beautiful old copper kettle that was my grandparents and a toasted sandwich machine, and toaster with Esso tokens, which also gave me a couple of glasses, and I bought some mugs off the sale rail in Woollies for 25p,

But my dd was going into self-catering so she needed a lot more things. We did an Ikea trip, which I hope to avoid when the other two go-although I could see if my will to live which hopped off around about the first escalator when we went with dd is still hiding there.

She did have more stuff than me, but only due to going self-catering.

Oh, and the bed that DD had in halls and in subsequent rentals were all small doubles and she sleeps in a single bed at home, so she needed new bedding.

We didn't have spare kitchen stuff either.

People approach things in different ways.

I don’t get the whole Christmas Eve /month box’s. I chose not to do it, but don’t judge parents as to why.

My daughter we got some kitchen essentials (plates & saucepan etc ) , & she brought some bits to make her room cozy. She now going into her second year & she is has only needed additional cutlery as they disappeared in her halls kitchen. All bits fitted in two plastic storage box. & she used a spare duvet & her duvet covers from home. She has a friend who went into catered halls - her Mum went overboard & spent alot of money on kitchen stuff - none of it was used!

Yeah..I am getting my son ready for Uni. There's a massive pile of stuff and I've sorted it all out for him, although he would be perfectly capable if he had any interest. We'll drive him up.

But when I think back to what I did...I just had a suitcase. My parents took me to the airport. I'd never been on a plane before. I landed in Belfast, a city I'd never been to in a country I knew little to nothing about . I didn't know a single person there, there were no rooms in student accommodation and I didn't even have anywhere to stay that night. I guess it all turned out OK - but I can't imagine putting my son through that.

I went to uni in the early to mid 90s. It was a part catered hall. So I only had to cook at the weekends. My parents took me, and the car was full. Everything was matching (blue / green / yellow theme!) and I only had the basics for cooking! Most of my stuff was a present for my 18th birthday. But in my day we had to move out of halls at the end of every term... so my parents had to do the same drop off / pick up every term... And as we were only allowed to live out in our second years, they did the pick up every term for 3 years! Judging by the scram for cars each term, most parents did.

However, when I went to open days for uni, there were very few parents there. I mostly went with friends.... I remember seeing a few parents at uni open days and we all thought those kids were weird! But on my daughter's open days, it was rare to see the students without a parent there!

Good God…

This and getting them decent stuff is part of letting them go and helping set them up so they are least likely to fail.
However WIWIKAU parents are a self-selecting group and some do go a bit far, especially for example with the suggestion of making up a pile of presents for your student with various labels such as 'open when you feel lonely', 'open when you need someone to talk to', 'open when you need a sweet treat', 'open when you are missing the dog' etc whatever you feel applies in your student's case.....
This is going too far and is slightly not normal imho and probably actually setting up the student to feel bad when they may left to their own devices take to things like a duck to water.
Buying stuff they will need, getting your child there, financially providing for them and keeping in touch on whatsapp as much as the student wants, is all what parents should be doing. The OP's parents were indeed at the 'hands off' end of the spectrum.

My parents bought me nothing new but did give me some old kitchen stuff that they didn't need any more. They also drove me to uni. I was the first person to go to uni in my family so I think they didn't know what to expect really.
We probably were somewhere in between with DD. I did have a fun shopping trip with her and bought her new bath towels (to be fair, her towels at home were threadbare), duvet sets (she was provided with duvet and pillows at uni but a different size from her bed at home) and some kitchen stuff (though she also got some of my old knives etc). We also bought a basic food starting kit with things like stock cubes and salt etc.
It was as much about spending a day with her in a summer where she had spent the majority of her time with friends as needing to get stuff! But she's pretty non materialistic so not very demanding...

Nothing wrong with sending them off with some kitchen stuff and a big fluffy towel but there's no need to go ott

We bought Ds new bedding as the bed at uni was a 3/4 bed, we don't have fitted sheets for that size bed as his bed at home is a single. Also we bought him a double duvet to fit that 3/4 bed. We also don't have old pans or spare crockery. He had to have everything new because I only have 1 garlic press etc.

Ds also visits half way through term so needs his duvet and pillow here which is another reason we bought him new stuff for uni. Plus the duvet here is a Canadian goose down and for uni I wanted one he could wash and tumble dry should he spill anything on it.

Both Dh and I went to uni in the 90s, (we met after uni) both of us had to move out of our accommodation at Christmas and Easter so our parents drove us down and picked us up. Our parents didn't attend open days because their holiday entitlement was shit back then plus our sixth forms organised coach trips to some.

We have enjoyed sharing the experience with Ds and he has had fun too.

How many universities these days provide duvets and pillows?

DD took her own bedding , raided mine and my parents cupboards for pots, pans, crockery and utensils ( to be fair my mum had loads of stuff she didn't use so viewed it as decluttering). The only things that were bought solely to take with her were all her left-handed gadgets (duplicates of what she already had). I did drive her there as otherwise it would have meant 2 train changes, a trip on the underground and a bus to get to Halls.

I try not to judge too as for some it may be the first time anybody from the family has gone to Uni. Some kids also will never have been away much from home or even out of their county due to cost and Covid.

I hold my hands up to sending a stock of Aldi toiletries etc. We are going to be really stretched funding his living expenses so he will be getting v little. No Aldi/ Lidl nearby for him and with the cost of living rises every little helps.