Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

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I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

I personally believe it is immoral to exploit the human need for shelter so am happy to set rent at mortgage + bills.

I was very much on the fence about allowing her to move in as I do feel for her as she is struggling massively and the only reason I'm not is 100% down to luck. But agree who knows if she would even pay me rent?
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Socialists are very vulnerable to manipulative and toxic people in my experience.

There is a degree of performative socialism, where someone who is mildly better off than someone else is expected to personally address wealth inequality, by personally transferring handing over money to another.

Socialists rightly condemn charity, as its an exploitation vector which shunts the problem to one side, while not addressing the issue, but charity is what she is seeking here.

Working class people often borrow money from one another.
But solidarity is paying it back. She had a number of ways she could have dealt with the situation - She could have waled away and taken a hit to her credit rating,, she could have taken out a crediit card, she could have done a crowdfunder. But because she had a personal connection to someone that was in the position to loan her money without the intrusion, implications and strength of enforcement action that a credit company has, she used that route.

You are now offering a non-profit making place in a houseshare, she is nabbing that generous opportunity that could have been a massive boost for someone who didnt have a pal who could lend them £4k in an emergency and are now working their socks off to pay their credit card bill.

What she is demanding is your charity, for you to become her benefactor. This is not a socialist arrangement, and thats worth pointing out if anyone starts attacking you as a spoilt rich landlord profiting from a poor foreign student who is about to become homeless.

Just write off the loan and let her move in. You don't seem to see any other solution do you, despite all the advice here. Some people just have too much of a conscience, which is not a bad thing, but not at the expense of your future and your well being.

So you have some choices. Write off loan (inevitable). Refuse to take her on as a lodger/tenant, dismiss the views of your friends they are not relevant and are damaging you.

or, you can sub her the money, let her move in and for sure she will do your head in with excuses for not paying rent etc. But your friends will clap you on the back hurrah.

I could not be friends with anyone who would criticise my approach to things, especially where my approach is from my hard earned savings/work etc. and I am judged for not bailing out every waif and stray. Such friends rarely put their hands in their own pockets, but are very good at spending other people's money for them.

Do try to divest yourself of this leech and your friends, it's not worth it. You will be far happier and you will make more friends in time. Best of luck.

how long did you give her to repay?

I offered a number of installment plans which she wasn't able to agree to.

In that case before you embark on small claims procedure, can you get some legal advice on the contract you drew up, to see if that can be enforced ?

Don’t move her in

She owes you £4k now but just think how much she’ll owe you if she moves in then stops paying rent.

The only reason I am hesitant, which I can see is frustrating people, as I do not want to financially burden a friend (which I still consider her despite her appalling actions) to the point she will be forced out of the country.

It would appear so !!

The thing is that she's really ruined your friendship. There isn't any coming back from it. Even if she paid you back today you'd be crazy to let her live with you. Why would you want that? She's criticised you to all your friends - why would you live with her after that?

As far as rent is concerned, your motives are good but be aware that people often don't value something that's cheap. I would charge a fair rent (based on other local rents) and split the bills between you, and then if they are a really great tenant right through and move on, perhaps give them the last couple of months' rent free.

If you charge too low a rent now then your tenant may well have the "she can afford it" attitude that your friend has.

"We're all definitely eat the rich-es"

That's pretty funny coming from someone who had a spare 4 grand to lend and then managed to save enough for a London deposit in 2 years.

This thread is a dripping tap.

Rosscameasdoody - apologies for having a conscience.

A part of thinks she is massively bluffing as she borderline hates her home country.

So you and your friends are all for "eat the rich".

Well she sees you as Rich. You have lots more than she does. I'm sure the others in your group are cheering her on.

Dont blame your parents ffs. Their advice was sound. The fault lies with

1. Your thieving "friend" who will continue to rip you off if you allow it

1. You for being far too vocal about your finances (be honest - were you bragging?)

1. You for lending such a crucial amount.

Dont throw good money after bad. Take it to small claims court, but be aware that you are unlikely to get penny back.

And ditch the wankers in the whatsapp group.a

Not your problem, any friends have a problem with it, then they can give you the money and she can pay them back

You’re not financially burdening her, she’s doing that herself and trying to blackmail you into agreeing to lay out more money, despite her not paying you back a single penny of what she already owes you FFS !! How do you know she will be forced out of the country - you only have her word for that ? And how many other ‘friends’ has she done this to ? If she owes you money, I find it very difficult to believe she doesn’t owe elsewhere. If you decide not to try to get your money back, that’s one thing, but allowing her to take advantage again having already treated you so badly, is just asking for trouble. None of this is on you, and the path you’re on now has come about by her guilting you into thinking you’re somehow responsible for her. You’re not. There’s a limit to friendship, and you’ve reached it.

But why?
Why are you respinsible for her finances?

She’s nicking your money, blackmailing you and trying to alienate your (hopefully real) friends. Please set some proper boundaries- repeat 10 times she is not a friend! I don’t know what claptrap you’ve been fed in the name of socialism but this is NOT IT!

Well if It eases your conscience I am pretty sure that there are a great many people who would be only too happy to have the chance to share decent accommodation at below market rent and who wouldn’t see your kindness as an excuse to rip you off.

There really does come a point with some people when you stop being a kind friend and instead become a doormat for them to wipe their muddy feet on , and I think you have reached this point with your “friend”, she is making no attempt to meet you halfway or to understand your problems.

OP, she really isn't your friend. You've said you can talk about her moving in once she's paid you the 4K, but she's 'now wise to that'. She is now blackmailing you into housing her otherwise she will go back to her country. She's not a friend, friends don't behave that way! She sees you as a walkover and once she's rinsed you and has no need of you anymore, she'll go back to her country owing you thousands without a backward glance.
I wouldn't expend any time or money on this' friendship' until she pays up. There's no disputing she owes the money.

Decent people do have a conscience, and you sound as though you have gone far beyond what most friends would do for each other. You have nothing to apologise for. To anyone. She’s taking advantage of your good nature and you need to set your conscience to one side for a moment, realise that and deal with it. And if she’s bluffing you’ll know because she’ll still be around won’t she ?

If her home country were Qatar or Russia (currently) I would be sympathetic. But an EU country I'm sure she can deal.

OP I'm starting to wonder if you've been abused throughout your life because you seem to feel responsible for everyone else. Yes, we all have a duty to each other, but that works both ways! She has a responsibility to you too. What @Cailleachian says about solidarity Vs charity is bang on.

She is an EU citizen, she has the choice of all the EU countries to move to.

Succinct, to the point and 100% accurate. OP, please read, re-read and then act on the advice.

I live abroad OP. There are additional issues in life when you live abroad but NONE of them warrant what she's done. She's got you wrapped around her little finger because she's counting on you being a soft touch. She's playing you and you're letting her.

Why on Earth would she have to return to her home country if she has to pay you?! That's utter rubbish. You offered her payment plans and she didn't respond. Even if it was something ridiculous like £5/week it would have been something.

Go to the small claims court. If any of the "friends" (they're not yours btw) want to help her out of a sticky situation with oh-so-rich-you, they'll cough up in her behalf and offer her a place to sleep so she can stay.

These people are neither socialist nor progressive. Their attitudes are actually regressive. And if you're all part of the BeKindBrigade, then ask yourself why nobody is being kind for you. It's not like you found £4000 on the pavement and kept it, you worked and saved for it. True socialists know the value of labour...

Stand up for yourself, attempt to get your money back and then use your good fortune to support people who are not shysters.

Do not let her move in.

And for goodness sake raise your boundaries:this is not how friends treat each other. This is the behaviour of users/abusive people.

Ar the moment t you've almost certainly ky lost £4k. (Although I agree that the small claims court would be a good idea). And you will lose the "friendship". If you ket her move in you will probably lose a lot more money and your sanity

She is blackmailing you and you know it.

The fact that she doesn't want to go back to her own country is not your problem, it's hers and if she's forced to go back , it's her fault not yours.

She should be earning her own money but it may well be that she can't for whatever reason.

This friendship group of yours sounds toxic.