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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

306 replies

losca · 03/09/2022 13:19

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

OP posts:
Delphigirl · 03/09/2022 14:00

Btw I would ask those questions in an email or text so you have it and the response in writing

Original poster
losca · 03/09/2022 14:02

However do they really think that?

Without a doubt. We're all definitely "eat the rich-ers"

OP posts:
magaluf1999 · 03/09/2022 14:02

Dont do it.
You wont get your 4k back AND she wont pay you rent regularly AND your home wont be your own with her oversharing and snooping. You will be miserably and she wont leave or will damage things.

I agree with PP if you insist of rent AND a loan repayment sum each month she will winge to friends you are bankrupting her. She will think she can JUST pay rent and that comes off the balance of the loan. I guarantee it. When you demand both all hell with let loose.

You wont get both. Rent to someone else and at least begin to slowly regroup. Keep your home a safe haven.

The contract is meaningless to someone like this. You may lose some other friends but so what.

You helped her once. Your job is done. Someone elses turn.

TongueTwistr · 03/09/2022 14:04

losca · 03/09/2022 13:57

"If I were you I'd say yeah sure you can live with me but I need the 4k before for insert excuse here. Get your money then block her."

Have tried this tactic her but she is very wise to it.

Then you're definitely not getting the £4k back. Reconcile yourself to it as best you can and move on. Letting her anywhere near your home is only going to lead to more heartache.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/09/2022 14:04

What an absolute cow she is. I would get in touch with the small claims court immediately and I'd prepare a very precise list of things she's done ready to post it on the group chat as soon as she kicks off. I'd end it by withdrawing from the group chat (so that it doesn't escalate) but say you really want to keep in touch with the others.

Anamechangeisasgoodasarest · 03/09/2022 14:05

losca · 03/09/2022 13:37

I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

Sigh.

Well in that case, just leave it then.

Original poster
losca · 03/09/2022 14:06

do you have email or text acknowledgments from her about the fact of the loan, that you have asked for it back, that she hasn’t paid it back, and perhaps promises to pay (albeit she can’t afford to now?)

Probably over 50!

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/09/2022 14:06

A bit OT, but why do people assume that they can just "break" a lease? It's a legal contract with a specific term. Would it be okay for the landlord to "break" the lease by kicking you out halfway through the term or raising the rent? Of course not.

cestlavielife · 03/09/2022 14:06

Do not move her in with you
Why do you care if she leaves uk or not?
Is she your lover or partner?
What difference is it to you where she lives?
You have probably lost your 4k
She thinks you are loaded
She will screw you even more if she moves in

yellowtwo · 03/09/2022 14:07

Do your friends in the WhatsApp group respond to her?
Do not let her move in, the rent will always be late, she'll be just a bit stuck till next month and the next month. Disaster waiting to happen.

Lunificent · 03/09/2022 14:07

Don’t have a single other personal dealing with her. Do it all through small claims court and be prepared to lose the money as she’s likely to leave before paying you back.
Re: the friends.it’s bizarre that they’d not find it a bit odd that she posts private information about you to them. Perhaps you need new friends dd as well.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/09/2022 14:07

In my parting shot to the group I'd suggest one of them lends her some money and has her move in with them.

gamerchick · 03/09/2022 14:08

She won't pay you rent. She will take over your house and take the piss and you'll be even more out of pocket and much more resentful of her now.

You'll either have to take her to court or write it off. Dont mention housemates to her again until you've found someone. Then fuck her off.

Crumpleton · 03/09/2022 14:10

I don't understand how she can only afford to pay you back if she moves in. I'm assuming she'll only be able to
A, pay back the loan
OR
B, pay rent..
But she'll probably opt for
C, she'll do neither.
Is there someone else in the WhatsApp group that she could shack up with she seems pretty vocal in telling everyone her business so someone might like a hanger on, although by the sound of it no offers are forth coming...
Take note, they'll be a reason.
You've lost enough and she'll only take you for more.

ValerieDoonican · 03/09/2022 14:11

Well I'm all for eating a larger share of the rich than is currently extracted from them. But you don't sound rich!

BorsetshireBanality · 03/09/2022 14:11

You’ll never get that £4K back voluntarily.

If you let her move in not only will she pay little or no rent, you could come home to find her and your prize possessions long gone and the house trashed as “property is theft” and all that!

Oh and don’t tell people about your finances!

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 14:12

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).
😮
Yeah nice try, ex-friend.
Did she say this to you via message?
If so, you have proof positive that she owes you the money, & can take her to small claims.

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.
What an arsehole.
"Sorry ex-friend, I'm not sharing my home with someone who's indiscreet about my private finances & is slagging me off to mutual pals."

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.
Ah!
It's not meaningless.
Small claims court.
Ex-friend will have to borrow from elsewhere to pay you back - or at least comit to court-ordered regular repayments.

Also - (rent is far below market rate).
Why?
Rent out at market rate FFS!
You don't owe anyone a discount because you sensibly lived with your folks for long enough to save up for your own place.

PollyPeePants · 03/09/2022 14:13

Respond in the group chat something like 'How could I have you as a house mate - you wouldn't pay your rent! I know this because you have paid me a penny back of the money you already own me! At this point it's beginning to look like theft!'
I am sure many of your friends think she is outrageous

3peassuit · 03/09/2022 14:13

Let her left leaning friends bankroll her and put her up for free.

PollyPeePants · 03/09/2022 14:13

*Haven't

sleepymum50 · 03/09/2022 14:14

As others have said, tell her you need the £4k before you can complete - then ignore her.

If that fails, solicitors letter, notice of intent, small claims court, spill the beans on what’s app to all her friends, contact her parents. Anything to shame her into repaying.

I lent my sister a sum of money many years ago. At the time it was a lot for me. After a couple of years I had enough bottle to ask about it. Her reply “I’ll let you have it back when I think you need it”. I never got it back.

dapsnotplimsolls · 03/09/2022 14:14

Small claims court or accept that you'll never get it back. Don't stoop to her level by washing your dirty linen in the Whatsapp group. Probably best to leave the group.

Peashoots · 03/09/2022 14:15

What’s the fact that they’re socialist leaning got to do with anything?
I’m socialist leaning and would never steal from my friend. She’s being a dick. Agree it’s time for small claims court.

viques · 03/09/2022 14:16

losca · 03/09/2022 13:57

"If I were you I'd say yeah sure you can live with me but I need the 4k before for insert excuse here. Get your money then block her."

Have tried this tactic her but she is very wise to it.

Then you know that if she did move in you would be lucky to see the first months rent let alone enough rent to pay back the £4000, not to mention that you wouldn’t get a penny for utilities, broadband, your Netflix or council tax, and she would expect to use all your cleaning materials, crockery, pots and pans, washing machine, etc etc etc. Sadly I don’t think taking her to a small claims would work either as it can be hard to enforce repayment, though I think it goes on to someone’s credit score so that would bugger up any loans or rental applications for a few years (yay!) so from that point of view it would be worth doing.

And by all means let your friends on the WhatsApp group know why you have sent her the letter, especially how you helped her out of a tricky situation, if nothing else it might stop one of them feeling sorry for her and making the same mistake. She is a leech.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 14:16

I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

You are never getting that money back. Never. So just get over it now and deal with it. Block her and everyone in that weirdo group.