Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

She is not being forced out of the country. She has made her own decisions that have led her to be in this financial position. She has the choice to do something about this but is choosing to deflect the blame elsewhere

Wherever she originates from, it’s not an excuse to behave so appallingly.

Don't let this immoral CFer get away with it. Tell her you will serve her for small claims tribunal, as others have said. If she bad-mouths you to others, explain the situation with them. If your friends are socialist, all the more reason they will be on your side as they will see her taking advantage of you and leaving you in the poor! They won't side with her surely. Even if they do, would they be friends you'd want to have, then? If they support you being hurt and taken advantage of, they are certainly not remotely socialist or progressive, nor are they decent human beings so you'd do well then to cut them all out. If she moves in, you will never get her out of your house! And, you know darn well she won't pay rent/will be late/will have an excuse to not pay the full amount. Do not let her ever even step foot in your house, and tell her you will be taking her to Small Claims if she doesn't pay up, as her blackmail won't work on you and now you will take her to court.

Don’t do it… she is using you and not a friend

I'd say yes but she has to pay you back first. Then change your mind.

Or take her to court.

Honestly I think you'll struggle to get the money back if she can just leave the country.

You wrote “we”. Isn’t it predictable that they would turn on you once you saved a bit then? If you view other people’s success or possessions in this way, how can you think she should even repay you?

Has it changed your perspective to be on the receiving end of this type of judgement?

If you go small claims, you know she'll end up paying something silly like a £5 a week and it'll take forever. Still I think you should do it so she gets the message not to fuck people over.

Lots of sweeping and wildly incorrect assumptions about socialists on here.

OP she sounds like a total user.

You would be MAD to let her move in. That's the sunk cost fallacy, but it will just cost you even more money.

She has no conscience about ripping you off, what makes you think she'll transform into a decent rent-paying tenant?

I sorry but I think your £4K is gone. And do not allow her to move in thinking you'll get it back - you won't.

Either do this or

Let her in as a lodger - rent to be paid weekly - GET YOUR MONEY - then give her a week's notice to clear out!

There is no guarantee she will pay back the loan anyhow if you do the second one - she might just put it off to "next week". Over and over.

If you have evidence that she owes you the cash, go the small claims route - it's comparatively inexpensive (about £50, I think - was when I was thinking of using it, but that was a while ago). Even if you don't have proof it may be worth trying if you can show you actually handed the money over/ transferred it - I think the court decides on the balance of probabilities whether it was a loan or a gift.

Have you tried posting this in legal?

If she's bad-mouthing you to people this is slander. Sue the arse off her.

Has it changed your perspective to be on the receiving end of this type of judgement?

Not really, I still fundamentally believe in the equitable distribution of wealth. Billionaires should not exist.

If you let her move in there is no way she will pay you rent. How would you feel getting the bailiffs on her while both living there? If the thought of small claims for 4k is freaking you out then maybe you shouldn't be a landlord (esp to a cf).

Get your 4k back. Dont let her move in. Back away from any supposed friendship. Stop oversharing.

This is a great post. She’s taking advantage of the fact you’re kind-hearted. She’s exploiting you.

This type of person only things that charging rent is exploitative because they can’t be arsed to work hard enough to ever own their own home.

She’d not have a leg to stand on in the small claims court.

I would not open my home, even on a renting basis, to someone who owned me £4000 and was refusing to pay it back unless you let her rent part of your house.
Why would you do that? She already owes you £4000 that she is not paying you back unless on her terms, even though you helped her out in a crisis. You can't be sure she would pay you back or even pay her rent. If she doesn't it would be very hard and unpleasant to get her out. Instead of being grateful that you could help her, she represents you to your friends as privileged and spoilt. She sounds very likely to refuse to pay rent on the grounds that you can 'afford' it.

Don't let her into your house op. Keep trying to get your money back but cut your losses if necessary to get rid of her. She's no friend of yours and you don't want to end up with her owing even more money and even worse, a resident in your house.

It sounds like you are talking more like Communism rather than Socialism which does believe in some capitalism. Everyone needs shelter, a home. She is depriving you of that, so she is the one going against Socialism here. If you think it's wrong to fight for 4 thousand that was taken from you under false pretences, depriving you of living funds, you aren't socialist. I know of no Socialist that would begrudge a person recouping what they are duly owed. In fact, it's actually the basis of Socialism. So if your friendship group begrudge that, they aren't actually Socialists anyway and never were.

You have a nerve blaming your parents for this.

The thing you seem to be dancing round OP - can your friend pay you back the £4k or not? Would a small claims judgement forcing her to pay drive her out of the country because she couldn’t pay - or could she pay you back if she wanted ? Is she claiming she can’t pay you back while going out /buying new clothes, or is she saying she can’t pay you back while struggling to pay for food ? I do think you might have to write this money off as a very difficult lesson.

I would refuse to have her move in “me lending you money that you’re struggling to pay back is already pushing our friendship to the limit, I’m not prepared to be your landlord.” Share with wider friendship group if she complains.

If I was you I’d also reconsider the very below market rate rent plan, at least for the first couple of years. As uoj have found, some people just will take advantage if they can. Charge the market rate (or just below), bank the difference between what you need and they pay for the first 2 years. Use that as a buffer if then someone doesn’t pay or you have a gap after a tenant leaves and you have a few months before you find someone else to share. As this is your home, you might want to be pickier about who lives with you and having some extra money saved up for gaps will give you breathing room to find the right person.

OP, your views are somewhat skewed. There is a big difference between your belief of a fair distribution of wealth to someone who is fleecing you and taking the piss. Pretending to be your friend but slagging you off to people. How do you call that friendship?
When you have housemates (but NOT HER) you should also sensibly not just split the mortgage amount but include all the bills and utilities, remembering you have to declare to the tax people any profit you are making, so ensure you are not out of pocket. This stuff mustn't be to your own detriment.
Get yourself to a Small Claims Court. Never mind 'your conscience', WHAT ABOUT HER CONSCIENCE?

Oh, and she's not your friend. She's trying to pull this stunt of moving in because she owes you a large amount of money you haven't take action on to get back, and she therefore thinks you are a mug/doormat/easy ride. Show her you aren't.

I fucking hate people like her, who use people who have helped them. The bitch.

sleepymum50 "I lent my sister a sum of money many years ago. At the time it was a lot for me. After a couple of years I had enough bottle to ask about it. Her reply “I’ll let you have it back when I think you need it”. I never got it back."

That's outrageous! What a disgusting way to treat you. She's stolen your money. Do other family members know this?

I don't believe in exploiting people, but if you have two lodgers, chances are that one of them, at some time will lose their job/be put on short-time/need to pay an unexpected bill, you need to include a small amount - even £50 per month - to cover such eventualities.
If someone stays for a year, is a great lodger and then moves out, you could always waive the last month's rent to satisfy your morals, but at least you would have the wherewithal to do it.

That's not my definition of friendship. Why is it yours?

Sorry now but you are a fool. You asked us all for advice and you want to ignore it. This girl is no friend of yours. She is taking you for a fool. She hooked you for 4 grand because you are a soft touch. You’re willing to believe her lies about returning abroad. Off with her. She’s no loss. You have not said why she can’t pay you back by instalment. Can you imagine what she’ll be like over rent.

If you consider her a friend still then write off the loan and stop moaning about it on here as you don’t want to heed our advice.

As regards rent, charge full market value, your utility bills will be shocking so don’t include those. You are a property owner not a charity. Are all your other friends in the group paying below market rent? Are they handing out their hard earned savings to chancers like this girl? Why was it you and not the other “friends” who contributed something.

What exactly was the 4 grand made up off?

For the future - never ever lend someone money. Give money as a gift, never ever expect it back. Even if they say they will pay it back, only ever give money with no expectation of it being returned. If you can’t afford to gift that much money, they you can’t afford to give it to them. That’s it.

if you let her move in, you will be effectively lending her the rent every month until she decides if she is going to pay or not. She’s already proved she won’t pay.

Unbelievable that 'friend' accuses OP of being spoiled when she is the one who feels she is entitled to receive £4k from a family member and not pay it back.

OP, do not let her live with you under any circumstances. She won't bother paying rent and still won't pay back the £4k. She aready sees you as being a soft touch whom she can manipulate and take advantage of.

You can either go to the small claims court for the £4k as others have suggested (the letter you drafted will provide good evidence) or write it off.

Your friendship circle isn't made up of actual friends if they all side with a freeloading scrounger. Maybe you're better off without them?