Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

You are being taken for a mug. You lend her money which you know you’ll never get back and now you are considering carrying her going forward. She won’t pay her share of anything and you’ll be ground into the dust. Wise up. Help people that aren’t just using you and who don’t appreciate your work and sacrifices. She is dreadful and most definitely not a friend.

I can't believe she thinks you would want to live with her after she has slagged you off to your friends and refused to pay what she owes you. I'd assume she doesn't even intend to pay her rent.

For me, more than the money issue, I just wouldn't want to share my house with someone like her.

There are lots of good, kind and honest people in the world. Unfortunately, there are lots of others who take advantage of those who are caring and generous with their money.

OP, I understand you want to be caring and generous. The difficulty for you is balancing how to continue to be caring and generous without being taken for a ride.

This person isn't a friend. A friend:

• would be mortified at not being able to pay you back.
• would be coming up with some sort of repayment plan, even if it were £10 a week.
• would be trying to get the money from somewhere else. Somebody poor with money might try to borrow the money from someone else in order to pay you. Obviously that would be a terrible way for the borrower to handle the situation but it would show that you were on her conscience, at least.

This person hasn't done any of that - she sees you as someone who is wealthy enough to absorb the £4k loan and who can provide her with cheap housing. You may regard her as a friend, but you are naïve to think that she feels the same way.

If you lend money in future, make sure you are prepared not to get the money back - as a pp said, never lend more than you can afford to lose.

Understand that the world contains both lovely people who would do the same for you in a similar situation but also those who will take advantage.

Be kind and generous but not naïve.

Don't blame your parents for this.
Your options now:

1. Let her move in. However, be aware that she is unlikely to pay you rent enough to cover her bills. She is also likely to cause you problems when it comes to moving out. (I doubt this is in your best interests and would not recommend this).
2. Don't let her move in but write off the outstanding money.

1. Pursue her through the small claims court.

1. Ask your socialist friends to club together and repay the £4k on your friend's behalf as you now need the money. (I consider this is unlikely to work, however it would be interesting to see the reactions.)

I'm sorry. There isn't a perfect fifth option.

She is a toxic ex friend

How has she transferred to you the responsibility for her staying here and not in her home country that she hates? You are going the right way to lose your idealistic principles and your mental health.

Your contract is viable
. Go for it through the small claims court.

This ^

100% this

No it’s not true. However, she is a bad person and an abuser. She is definitely not a friend and there is no way she should ever let her share a house with her, where she will continue to abuse you while you’ll never get rid of her. It’s a hard lesson learned; as others have said, do not lend money and do not overshare. Surely your mutual friends can see her for hat she is!

Good luck with the small claims court.

You think she will pay you rent if she moves in with you hahahaha.

In two years, she has not paid a single penny of the 4K back. You know it'll be a mistake to let her move in with you.

Op if you are still reading - I wouldn’t bother with the small claims court unless you are certain she can pay, and is just choosing not to. But I would write off her friendship. Do not let her move in. She isn’t your friend. She might be entertaining company, there is a difference between that and friends.

like others, I do think you need to charge more than just mortgage + share of bills - to create a fund to cover maintenance/repairs and any gaps when tenants move out so you aren’t rushed into finding a new one. But the PP suggestion of charging market rate, saving some for the rainy day fund then doing something socially useful with the difference is a great one!

Do you have a written contact for the loan signed by you and her? Do you have documentation showing that you intended for this to be legally enforceable?

If you have evidence of this then small claims court is only route.

Don't take her in. Ask her again for the money back then take her to the small claims court. Odds are that she will leave the country, unless she can find another friend to scrounge off.
And never lend money to friends.

Here's an idea. Let her move in, then when she's away or at work, get the locks changed. Refuse to return any of her stuff until she repays the debt.

Having read your post a few times to make sure I had read it correctly, I have to agree with the majority on here. You have to take her to court, I can't understand how you might even think you will get your money back otherwise. It's been 2 years and she hasn't paid you back, that's because she has no intention of doing so. Live in your house? Do you really think she will pay rent? You will probably find out she had problems with her landlord because she never paid the him rent either and he had her evicted. If you don't go to court and you do have her live with you, all I can say is, you ask for everything you get. If you let people treat you like shit, they will carry on doing it because they know they can get away with it. Go to court and tell her to fxxk off.

You don't want to financially burden her??

Well she's obviously very happy to do it to you

I agree hazelnutD I think the “ screwed over by her landlord” story was bullshit and pitched to play well to her left wing gallery. It’s harder for landlords to “ screw people over” and the rogue ones tend to pray on the vulnerable - illegal immigrants, the mentally unwell etc. Vulnerable does not describe this “ friend”.

Somewhere along the line, it was drilled into you that to be "good" you had to completely sacrifice your own wants and needs to anyone else who asked, no matter how badly they treated you. You need to address this or it will seriously affect your future happiness. You deserve respect and you have to respect your own needs.
You're worried that your "Friend's" nasty comments on WhatsApp to your friendship group will make them view your behaviour badly.
This "friend" is a complete CF, a bully and a user..... you on the other hand sound generous to a fault, kind and thoughtful - who do you think your friends will believe? People like the CF have spent their lives gaining small advantages by walking all over people like yourself.
It is nice that you want to behave honourably but you have a right to put yourself first and foremost. Its not unkind or mean-spirited to do that. There is nothing wrong with being prudent with your finances or using your own hard-earned money to provide yourself with some security. It was important to many trades unions to help their members save for decent housing and pensions. We are in a cost-of-living crisis and £4k could go a long way towards paying your energy bills in your new property.
Make a donation to a good charity instead - it will do just as much good in the long run.
Also wanted to add that your parents were trying to be generous letting you stay on at home and encouraging you to save, there has to have been some sacrifice on their part to do that - so the CF is not just stealing from you - you've allowed her to steal their good efforts too. What do they think of her behaviour? I bet they don't think you should let her move in with you.
I haven't seen in your posts ( unless I skimmed) any real commitment to NOT letting her move it... you seem to think that if she bleats about you driving her out of the country and then you let her move in that the problem will be solved. , that the friendship group will like you more and forgive you the things the CF has accused you of and the CF will tell them you're great. She won't. She will quickly find a new stick to beat you with. She's already slagged you off to all and you have nothing left to lose by standing up for yourself, let them all say what they like. If she leaves the country - good riddance.

What is really crying out from your post is that you need to get some RL life help to look at how you define your boundaries or CFs similar to the friend will sniff you out and see your niceness as something to take advantage of and god help you if its a potential partner on the make.
See this as a valuable lesson, to do two things. 1) keep your finances to yourself!!! and 2) take some measures to assess the difference between generosity and unnecessary self-sacrifice, whether it's reading some of the books they recommend on MN or seeing a counsellor etc... If people want "payment" in return for not blackening your name, dump them and run. It's absolutely OK to live with not everyone liking you, its OK if you say no to them. Ask yourself why you think their judgement counts more than your own personal happiness/mental health. What kind of people, who have known you for some time would be ready to believe the worst of you on this "friends" say so? Or to believe that you personally are driving her out of the country by refusing further subsidy on top of the 4k she's already taken from you? Would you think that of another person you knew well? Are you expecting to be shunned by them? Consider why you would think this ( I know which one of you I would shun and its not you!) How have these friends responded to the CF publishing your letter on WhatsApp? Have they been kind to you? Recognise that you do not have to justify yourself to any of them. You will find that a little bit of assertiveness goes a long way. Best of luck with this situation.

Ex husband - not a nice person we split up due to DV. He is asking for the marriage certificate - what would this be for? Starting divorce proceedings? He Is not working, I am currently in the house with two children. I am a professional person with quite a good job and pay everything myself. No help from him at all. He refuses to discuss financial agreement or the divorce with me, apart from demanding a figure I cannot afford. Any advice you’ll be helpful.

@welshdragonlady - you will probably get some advice if you start your own new thread.

@losca do not let her move in, she sounds bonkers. Also, yes it may be morally right to not over profit from renting out rooms, but you are not a charity. There will be wear and tear and unexpected bills etc. Do not rent to friends - things like this loan shenanigans happen and you get sh*t on because these are not real friends! Take her to court and ignore the noise. If she airs stuff on the group simply reply, ‘this was always a loan, you know that and the time has already been extended and what I earn or have saved is nobody else’s business - I need the money back, please stop the public discussion’

@losca what happened in the end?

Definitely get ready for small claims procedure. Get the documents drafted out, send her a final last chance photo of the form, giving her the opportunity to set up a direct debit to you. If she does not respond take her to court. You cannot be blackmailed by her, can you imagine life house sharing with her!?! She's the sort who would whack the heating to full & open the windows to get you back, in her twisted mind. She is no friend. Sort out the debt then end the friendship.

First I'm amazed that the WhatsApp group members hasn't told her to stick it!are they all scared of her or scared they'll be the target if they stick up for you?

Second she'd make your life hell on earth if you were her tenant. Let her go back to EU, why the hell should you help her? And like everyone else says go straight to small claims court to try and get the £4k back. She sounds like a truly revolting human being.

@Blowthemandown

OP hasn't posted anything on this thread since the beginning of September!