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Original poster

Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

306 replies

losca · 03/09/2022 13:19

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
losca · 03/09/2022 13:37

I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/09/2022 13:38

losca · 03/09/2022 13:37

I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

You don't need to be aggressive, ignore her.

fishonabicycle · 03/09/2022 13:39

I don't think 'living with a cunt' is a socialist tenet!

sonjadog · 03/09/2022 13:40

If your friend group think her behaviour is acceptable, then your friend group are arseholes and you need to get new friends anyway.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/09/2022 13:40

losca · 03/09/2022 13:37

I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

If your friends think it's OK for her to owe you a large sum of money and to blackmail you then I think you need new friends altogether.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2022 13:41

OP you lent her £4k that she is refusing to pay back. She has gossiped about you. Whatever someones politics, that's really wrong to most people. She should have told you she couldn't pay it off when she borrowed it. If the only way she can stay in the uk is to steal 4k from you to stay in london, she needs to think about other options as it's not sustainable.

I'd get my side of the story in with friends, tell her you will take her to small claims and then fuck them if they want to side with a blackmailing thief

averageavocado · 03/09/2022 13:41

AlisonDonut · 03/09/2022 13:37

But how can you get your placemif she doesn't pay you back?

Get the money back whilst pretending she can move in, and then make sure she doesn't move in?

I would do this, big up how fun it will be, but you need the 4k first

MrsWooster · 03/09/2022 13:43

Even socialists don’t approve of stealing £4K from a friend.
Take her to court.

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 03/09/2022 13:43

@losca Since you’re worried about your social group. Just send a message to the WhatsApp group saying that you lent her money in good faith, and since she has refused to pay you back, you cannot afford to lend her anymore. She can share every letter you send her, but it won’t change the fact that no one in the group is giving her £4K to pay you back and none of them are offering her a place to live. The fact that they’re NOT doing that is very telling. They don’t give a fuck if she gets sent back to her EU country; none of them are about to go £4K into debt for her. And then proceed with your small claims court action for the £4K.

To be honest, I don’t think you’ll ever see it again. It sounds like she’s laying the ground work to fuck off back to her “EU country,” with the debt. I don’t think you’d see it even if you gave her a place to stay. You’d have to beg her to pay rent every month, and then she’d claim that she’s already paying you rent, so why does she have to pay you more. People like this will never stop having a neck so fucking brassy that you can see yourself in the shine. She’s doing everything she can to not pay you back; even setting up the excuse that she’ll have to return to her home country. So… make future plans that don’t include that £4K.

MarsupiIami · 03/09/2022 13:44

I lent money to a friend once and never again! It was nowhere near the amount you lent but it was so stressful. I got the money back eventually, but I felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time.

The odd thing here and there (that I can afford to write off) I obviously still do but not significant amounts of money.

Sorry, I've been absolutely no help!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2022 13:45

How is it socialist to let people steal from you and then live with them? I don’t remember that part. Being “left leaning”/ socialist doesn’t mean that if you save up money you have to just give it to all and sundry.

I also think you should take her straight to court.

Mystery2345 · 03/09/2022 13:47

do NOT let her move in. Under any circumstances. You might struggle to get rid of her. She’s poison.

Brefugee · 03/09/2022 13:48

as pp said: don't give her any indication you're not going to let her move in, and take her to court. But don't let her move in.
And if she shared your letter in the WhatsApp group? you can share in there what a CF she's being

00100001 · 03/09/2022 13:50

losca · 03/09/2022 13:37

I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

Well they can club together and give you the £4knowed from the friend then.... See how "socialist" they are then...

rickandmorts · 03/09/2022 13:50

If I were you I'd say yeah sure you can live with me but I need the 4k before for insert excuse here. Get your money then block her.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/09/2022 13:51

Socialism doesn't mean extortion. She'd be making more money from you that way, as there would be the four thousand, plus the money she'd be saving in cheap rent, plus the fact there wouldn't be a deposit for the rental, plus everything else she would benefit from (cheaper public transport, bills, council tax, etc).

She's confirmed she owes you money and is refusing to pay it back. Small Claims Court and if she does move somewhere else, although you may have lost the money, at least you're not being held hostage whilst she gets even more out of you.

DaphneMoonsSeattle · 03/09/2022 13:51

Socialists, eh? Cool. Tell eight of your left-leaning friends to give you £500 each.

woodhill · 03/09/2022 13:53

losca · 03/09/2022 13:37

I'm pretty distraught and reluctant to be too aggressive as our friend group is pretty progressive and many are socialist leaning.

So is not honouring your debt acceptable behaviour?

CostaLotta22 · 03/09/2022 13:54

Has she paid any of it back at all?

Original poster
losca · 03/09/2022 13:54

I was an absolute idiot to lend her money but I was extremely empathetic as I had a landlord who tried stealing my safety deposit. Took over a month to resolve - I lost a tonne of weight during that time.

Friend tries to undermine my need for the money i think

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 03/09/2022 13:55

If your "friends" judge you for being sensible with money they are deluded, as well as not actually friends. Do they honestly think socialism is achieved by people voluntarily handing over money, rights to live in their home etc, to somone else who has a bit less? They'll be waiting a long time if that's the revolution they're hoping for.

However do they really think that? Or are you a bit insecure and a bit of a people pleaser, and anticipating that view from them, rather than knowing that's what they think?

I would imagine if they were actually judging you, rather than the judgement you are fearing (that you are some kind of wicked grasping capitalist), it might well be they judge you for being a bit wet.

SunshineLoving · 03/09/2022 13:56

I think she thinks that if she moves in, the rent payments she makes every month would be to clear the 4k debt. I cannot imagine her paying you the rent and saving money to pay you the 4k back.

She is not a friend. A friend would never treat you like this. Do not let her move in and take her to small claims court as pps have said.

Brigante9 · 03/09/2022 13:56

Don’t let her move in, why on earth would you? That would be adding to the insanity. Take her to Small Claims, I think it’s about £75.

Original poster
losca · 03/09/2022 13:57

"If I were you I'd say yeah sure you can live with me but I need the 4k before for insert excuse here. Get your money then block her."

Have tried this tactic her but she is very wise to it.

OP posts:
Delphigirl · 03/09/2022 13:59

do you have email or text acknowledgments from her about the fact of the loan, that you have asked for it back, that she hasn’t paid it back, and perhaps promises to pay (albeit she can’t afford to now?) if so, you can make an online small claim against her - use all that as evidence. If she goes back to her home country it makes it difficult to enforce a judgment against her but not impossible.
mid you don’t have that sort of evidence, then I would try and get it perhaps by saying “look, I understand you can’t pay me the £4000 I lent to you now, and in one lump sum, but can you tell me exactly what your proposal is if I let you move in with me? How often will you make payments and of how much? I need to understand when this loan will be paid off. With luck she will answer it in a way which acknowledges the loan and the debt and that she hasn’t paid it yet. You can then say “that doesn’t work for me, unless you pay it all back in 3 weeks I will bring a claim against you.” And use that email trail as evidence in support.