Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

This. She stole 4k from you and is now trying to blackmail you. If these people are on her side then they’re not your friends

I have friends that I've been friends for 25 years, and not one has ever asked for money from me or disclosed their financial situation. I would never ask them for money or disclose my financial details either. It's a sure way to end a friendship. £4k is a lot of money and she was probably never going to be able to pay it back. I would do exactly as others have suggested - small claims court.

As everyone else has said, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN, whatever her sob story. She is a CF of the highest and you must know that she’d be an absolute nightmare to shift if you asked her to leave??

Many years ago I was going to lend a friend some money (not 4k though!) until someone said to me never lend what you can't afford to lose" I always remember this before I offer to help with anything these days.

I agree with this.
Also I've a feeling that while she's bothering you and not your friends they'll be quite happy to let her carry on and let you take the brunt of her nastiness.

In life I've learnt that people will never remember abd appreciate the hundreds of things you've done for them they only remember the things you haven't.

Leave the WhatsApp group friendship is a two way thing you're being used and it'll only end when you decide to end it.

Is this going to be one of these threads where the Op is given a perfectly sensible answer in the very first reply and then spends the rest of the time drip-feeding increasingly implausible reasons why she can’t take that actually act on that advice ?

Absolutely

CAB can advise. She is not your friend she is an appalling person

She's a scruffy little rat, say nothing and take her to a small claims court.

You can prove by messages etc. i take it if no contract.

Do not be blackmailed by this person. They'll probably move in and expect to live rent/bill free!

Also once it's been to small claims court, show your mutual friends what a dazzling catch of a friend she really is.

Do not let her move in. She won’t pay you back and you’ll have to evict her which will cost much more than £4k.
I agree, small claims court. Your contract is probably fine, you can create contracts orally. Send one message to the WhatsApp group explaining the situation and then leave it- true friends won’t believe her.

If you really can’t bear your friends to possibly hear about this then write the 4K off, but still don’t let her move in. And stop lending money and over sharing with her or any other friend- establish some firm boundaries. Socialism is not an excuse for piss-taking.

I am very left leaning too. It's a real shitshow that the system works to ensure those without means get less and those with get more. I'd pay way more taxes to stop this from happening. What I wouldn't do is let a very well educated 'friend' who is in a position to hoik her own pants up to a place that lets her fight that system from the inside steal money from me and basically tell me it's my fault/responsibility she did it. No.

You don't have to be aggressive but you should be assertive. The law is on your side but what will probably work better with your friends is that SHE agreed to pay the money back. Start shall claims without telling her so she can't move away to where she can't be found but your messages on the group chat should just refer to what she promised. Of course she can't move in with you though. She would have to sign a contract and you know she doesn't stick to those.

I personally believe it is immoral to exploit the human need for shelter so am happy to set rent at mortgage + bills

I was very much on the fence about allowing her to move in as I do feel for her as she is struggling massively and the only reason I'm not is 100% down to luck. But agree who knows if she would even pay me rent?

Honestly, this entire situation makes me regret listening to my parents. I would never have saved that money to lend had I not moved back home and my mental state would be far better!

I'd pay way more taxes to stop this from happening

So would I!

You're feeling guilty about being better off within the system than she is. You're not long term though. She has an EU passport which is worth more than your house long term probably. It's great to have principles but you should expect principles from others (eg keeping their word and not being a twat) too.

@FlipFlopShopInHawaii has it spot on

Ok how long did you give her to repay? In your letter. Screen shot everything. Then just do it online it’s easy upload your letters and all your evidence etc if she has admittedly she has taken the money she hadn’t got a leg to stand on. Court gives her 28 days to respond

One thing is socialism, another thing entirely is theft and blackmail.

Do not let her move in she won’t pay rent or bills and she has already disrespected you - post factually in the group dear x I lent you this money y amount on these dates - you promised to pay it back. I need this money back and I’ve asked for it the following dates and times instead you have agreed to repay only if you live with me.

thid is not acceptable the loan was given in good faith. Where is my interest?

Go straight to small claims before she leaves the country.

This has nothing to do with your parents. They gave you very sound advice. Your problem us is that you care too much about what people who don't matter think. You need to get your money back through the court and don't give out anymore loans

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...
Take her to small claims court. Well done for having it writing, Judge Rinder would be very happy!

Why don’t you call her bluff? “If you continue to attempt to blackmail me by dangling the money you OWE me, I will not only share all the messages you have sent me admitting to this, and the contract you signed, but I will have no other option than to take you to court.”

There's left leaning and then there's leaning so far you are on the floor with a 'please walk over me' sign.

I was really hoping to avoid small claims litigation. Maybe it was wishful thinking but I thought there could be something I had overlooked (mumsnet actually supported me massively in getting my security deposit back a few years ago)

Looks like I'm left with no other option, unfortunately. I really have tried my best.

She is not your friend. A friend would appreciate you lending them money when they needed it, and would be eager to pay it back ASAP.

Take her to small claims court - it’s relatively easy and cheap to do in comparison with the amount you stand to lose. Then cut her loose. If you allow her to basically blackmail you into letting her to move in with you (which is what this is) she will be a pain in the arse, you’ll never get your rent on time (if at all) and she’ll be really difficult to evict.