Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

That's not socialism dear, its just common theft.

Dear God you aren't my son in disguise are you?

1. You have been played for a fool.
2. You stand very little chance of ever seeing that money again...
3. You are choosing the wrong friends - real friends are on your wavelength and would be supporting you now (learn from this because FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT).
4. WTF are you blaming your parents for? For putting you into the position that you actually were able to lend someone in need 4K?
5. If you really want to be as liberal/progressive as you appear to be, let her keep the money.
6. Equal distribution of wealth fails when one person has earned it and the other wants it gratis.
7. If you don't want to join the scumbag money-sucking landlords you are about to become, continue renting until you don't need assistance with the mortgage.
8. Finally - nearly every single person on here has given you good advice - it is now entirely up to you.

Please make sure any tenant is paying market rent. Check regulations for how many lodgers may share your home.

…and check your obligations as a landlord and if you need to do a tax return/pay tax

I absolutely agree with you about billionaires and we have also rented out a spare room at way below market rent to help friends out. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but when someone tells you who they are, you have to listen.
Your home should be a refuge. Don’t allow people in your home who have shown you that they don’t give a shit about your feelings or your well-being (financial or otherwise).

She is definitely bluffing.

If she was really scared that lack of money would force her home, she’d be trying to please you and paying you back in tiny instalments.

What a horrible person. Don’t let her move in, she’ll stay forever and not pay you a penny.

If you consider her a friend, you’ve naive to the point of madness. She lies about you, steals from you, and blackmails you. Friendship is not that.

There is having a conscience and there's being taken for a fool. She's not your friend.

I mean, there are loads of different places she could move to that would be cheaper than London. She wants to live there, she doesn't have to, even if she wants to remain in the country.

YANBU for your initial post, but YABU to sidestep the only thing that is going to work which is taking her to court. She is relying on your soft heartedness to not have to pay it back.

People aren’t stupid - when one person slags off another it’s only natural to wonder if there’s another side to the story. She’s only making herself look bad here. And anyone who thinks badly of you was probably inclined to anyway, and not worth giving a fuck about.

The weakness of socialism is exploitative parasites - the super rich exploiting the poor, but also people like your “friend” who steal, not only money but goodwill and kindness.

But clearly the good opinion of this group of people is very important to you - can you put a monetary value on it? Is it worth £4k?

Please send @Pheasantplucker2’s message to your WhatsApp group, @losca. I was going to suggest the wording of a message, but frankly I couldn’t improve on what @Pheasantplucker2 has written.

I agree with all the posters who have said that this woman is not a friend, and you should not even consider letting her move in, and if the friends in the WhatsApp group back her when they know the facts, sadly they are not your friends either.

I dont understand how you can consider yourself an "eat the richer".

• You lived expenses free for two years, aka used privileged connections to further your own gain
• In that time you amassed enough wealth to lend 4K plus build up a deposit for a sizeable London property
• Rather than buy a one bed flat, you decided to buy a property with several bedrooms, explaining that you wont be overcharging, but nevertheless exploiting a need for housing in a bid to add to your own personal wealth

By the way theres absolutely nothing wrong with that, but that's not communism

^^This is an excellent post.

You sound extremely young, naive and idealistic - and very quick to dismiss the rest of society for being wrong, greedy and money grabbing, while you are your friends are the free-thinking socialists who are so much more progressive than everyone else.

Prepare yourself for a surprise..... There are lots of us who don't think billionaires are moral, and it's pretty shocking that there's so much abject poverty while some have such obscene levels of wealth. You don't need to be radically progressive to think that.

But many of us would also take a dim view of a person who abused her friend's kindness. Can she actually afford to start paying you back, even at a low sum such as £20 per month?

Experience will teach you that it's perfectly possible to be kind, gentle, altruistic and want to help others without being taken advantage of yourself. Judging by your comments, you haven't reached this point yet.

Your descriptions sound more communist than socialist tbh, as a PP pointed out. So either you decide that in this case you are one of the "rich" and that your friend shouldn't have to pay you back - and that any material gains you or your friends achieve in life should be equally shared between everyone. Or, you accept that there are many things you can do to help those who are less fortunate than you, but that this doesn't mean accepting a friend cheating you out of money that you a) need and b) worked hard to save.

By the way, blaming your parents for helping you to save absolutely STINKS and reeks of victim mentality. I don't know when I last read anything quite so ridiculous. Take accountability for your own decisions.

Good points.

But OP, it seems that some distribution of wealth is more equitable, ie, from you to ‘friend’. She is effectively stealing from you.

Do not let her move it. She will not pay you rent as she will consider it her debt paid, and then she will take over your house and probably still not pay rent once the money was paid back because she can’t afford it.

No. Don’t be a soft arse

It seems like what is holding you back is the fear of being judged, or shamed, not just by the one friend but the wider group, for your privilege of being born to London property owning parents and following in their footsteps.

The thing is, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, saving money to buy your own house, but even without that one friend this would initiate a natural break point or moving away from a group of anti-capitalist student friends if they are not intending on moving their lives in a similar direction. Had you discussed your plans with them before she posted your financial information in the group?

Anyway, you can't change that, because compared to her you do have different life circumstances, but that doesn't make it your fault she can't afford to live in London! She has to make decisions based on her own life circumstances, not yours.

I am curious though, how she's been living for the last two years. Not to have paid back even a small amount per month is just shitty, and I bet you don't really believe she couldn't have scraped together a few pounds before now. So what kind of friend is she? And if the rest side with her, the same goes for them.

Not a friend so don't be one to her.

If she slags you off jokingly mention that no one should lend her money. If she buys a new anything jokingly comment that it's a shame she's spending money that belongs to others.

Don't let her live with you. If she needs to leave the UK as a result then ask one last time for your money back. I doubt you'll get it but that's what happens with these sort of situations sometimes.

Taking advantage and stealing from a friend has nothing to do with being "left leaning".
Socialism means that everyone works to contribute to the best of their ability for the good of everyone. It's based on an optimistic view of human nature and falls down when a selfish person like your "friend" appears.
I consider myself left leaning but I wouldn't hesitate to take her to the small claims court and stop contact.
If your other friends can't see that she's taking the piss tough.
Your heart was in the right place but, in future don't lend what you can't afford to lose.
I hope you find a lodger who plays fair and appreciates living in your home for a fair rent.

The most important thing is not to let her move in with you. That would be utterly crazy. Worst case scenario currently is you will not get this 4 grand back. Let her move in and you're just as unlikely to get it back, plus she'll not pay you any rent.

She is a thief, take her to small claims court, it’s easy enough. You do have to notify her that you are doing this. Then do it .
Quick before she does move back abroad.
She has stolen from you, she is not friend

I’m guessing your masters is in sociology, political science or similar.
you’ve already had about 100 posts worth of good advice. Just to add, don’t necessarily believe what she is saying about her landlord screwing her over. Being a landlord is highly regulated and landlords cannot pull dodgy behaviour the way they used to.Not without being taken to court and paying multiples of monthly rent in fines. I trust you have educated yourself in landlord law? Yes I’m a landlord.
Sorry but it sounds like you want one foot in both camps- to have the moral high ground and also acquire a nice property in one of the worlds most expensive cities and gain income from that.

By the way, blaming your parents for helping you to save absolutely STINKS and reeks of victim mentality. I don't know when I last read anything quite so ridiculous. Take accountability for your own decisions.

Yes, I’m afraid I found that cowardly of you, OP. Looks like you’re blaming the very people who gave you good advice and who you know will always be there for you, in order to deflect from the fact that your ‘socialist’ grifter friend has behaved disgracefully, used and shat on you. Your boundaries are all over the place.

Dearest @losca you are not ‘extremely empathetic’, you come across as a soft touch & a mug looking to be taken for a ride.

Do yourself a favour, take a step back & look carefully at how you suspend your critical judgement of what people say rather than what they do, what they say to get you to do for them.

Being a Socialist or firmly leftwards does not absolve anyone of poor or exploitative behaviours towards other people. Reneging on promises, not repaying loans, shaming & blackmailing people are not the effective habits of people with a conscience or a commitment to a fair society.

Is your friend playing out some smart-arse notion of stiffing you because you have some money to hand?
Maybe the eat-the-rich stance has come round to bite you?

My idea of exploitative rich bastard may be different to someone else’s. By sharing details of your personal finances & plans, have you become a rich bastard to her?

Take heed of sensible advice here.
Initiate court action to recover your funds.
Keep your financial plans & inner workings to yourself - not everyone is on the same wavelength or degree of comfort about any personal savings let alone wealth.
Do not lend what you cannot afford to give away.

WhatsApp groups are not real life, real discussions or real friends, get off social media & deal with people are they are in real life. The group think of people on an app really should not be a factor in persuading you how to live your life & make decisions. Of course, Mumsnet is different 😉

having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

I very much doubt she was "screwed over by landlord" . Why do people think contracts can just be broken on a whim?

I’m probably a bad person but I would say yeah sure you might be able to accommodate her, get the money back then say she can’t move in.

Just to ensure you can get your money back, say you need it as part of the deposit so can’t be after you have brought your home. She isn’t a friend anyway so I could still sleep at night…