Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

Firstly, I think you sound like a lovely friend, who tried to do a good deed. Don’t let this experience change who you are.

Secondly, you need to decide whether you want to try to get the money back through small claims court, or not. If you DO (and certainly no judgement here from me, for that amount I probably would myself), then you have to accept that at least SOME of your mutual acquaintances/ friends will side with her.

Thirdly, do not, under any circumstances allow her to move into your new home with you, you will never get her back out again, and I can see no benefit to you doing so. She will either pay you the going rate of rent, and never pay back the £4k, or get cheaper rent and pay back the money in dribs and drabs, holding the rest over you everytime you ask her to pay for/ do anything “I’ll move out, and you’ll never see your money again” type thing. Paying it back in small increments won’t help you buy your new home either, you would be better off getting a lodger ion a “market value” basis.

And I’m sure that you don’t need me, or anyone else to tell you, in the future, never lend money that you’re not prepared to write off. If you do lend anyone anything, and get it back, just see it as a bonus.

blackmail is the wrong word.
You haven't done anything wrong for her to blackmail you with.

She is applying duress.

Hi OP,
No way let your friend move in. They have already shown you that they are not trustworthy and their word is worth nothing.

You can't blame your parents for this because they allowed you to save - you chose to lend the money but hopefully you have learned a valuble lesson and won't make the same mistake.

I think this friendship is done. You can either take her to small claims court (friendship over) or let the matter drop. You will resent her and she will feel guilty/defensive so I expect the friendship is over either way.

I think you need to reflect on your beliefs. You don't want to exploit need for shelter so are charging share of mortgage plus bills. Yes share of your mortgage. You are the one building a fat chunk of equity over the years and are kidding yourself if you think you are not a landlord. You will be a landlord. You can be a kind landlord, you can be a good landlord but you are a landlord - unless you intend to start putting tenants on the deeds to share your equity?

I expect your progressive and socialist friends would also like to buy a nice property given the chance.

You seem a bit too trusting but I think if you don't wise up you will be back posting "my tenants aren't paying their rent so I can't afford my mortgage...." If you need the rent to cope financially check references and income etc. If you want to "help people" that can't afford the rent then don't be surprised when they can't afford the rent.

If you want to live more in line with your values why not buy a smaller place just for you?

She sounds like an absolute nightmare and no way would I ever have her moving in with you. Either give up on the cash or take her to small claims and let your friends know why if she tells them all and tries to put them against you.

Small claims court. She is not worth having as a friend in my opinion.

You are struggling because this woman is making you examine the strength of your convictions. You feel conflicted.

You don’t need to. It is possible to have more than others AND be socially and morally responsible.

Similarly, if you don’t feel that’s true, walk away from the £4K and see it as a redistribution of wealth.

It’s one or the other. Just don’t tie yourself up in knots about it. Nobody has done anything wrong here apart from this friend (and you possibly by being a fool easily parted from her money).

To anyone thinking of lending money 1.dont 2. If you do, get them to sign how much was lent, any interest rate and date you want it paid back buy. 3.DONT, it always ruins friendships.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through all this. It sounds to me as if your friend is using your principles/ beliefs against you. Her behaviour is very manipulative and she has been very quick to share her side of the story with your friends in the hope that collectively they will add to the pressure and by the sounds of it- make you feel quite guilty.
You worked for the money, you saved for the money - it’s is yours, do not feel guilty.
I don’t think u should allow her to move in either- if she does pay you rent (which I doubt) she would likely consider that loan repayments, and you would be left filling the gap by paying the shortfall on your mortgage.
please don’t allow this person to extort you further, she is using your principles and kindness against you.
sorry to be brutal- but it’s just how I view this situation.
best of luck OP
X

Your best chance of seeing this money again is go to Small Claims Court with all your evidence. Otherwise you will not get this money back.
This person is not your friend, is blackmailing you and has stolen from you.
Cut this person out of your life.

If you feel the need to help others, there are far better causes than this person.

Stop being a mug, stop being sanctimonious, take this chancer to court and do not under any circumstances allow her to live with you. She is NOT any kind of friend.

You, like I am think that normal people don’t take others for a ride. I don’t know how old you are but I got to mid 40s before I realised that the majority of people are unapologetically out for themselves. I still wouldn’t take advantage or be blinkered for my own self gain but I also am a little more wary. Very sad but it is true. It is very sobering when you realise this. You don’t have to be like them you just need to be aware.
most solicitors wouldn’t touch a case like yours £4000 so you would have to do it yourself or know the money and friendship is gone. Do not let them move in.

You need to take this scheming bitch to task she’s not towed the money & needs to cough up & fast; set up a meeting & tell her there’s no way you can let her rent from you until she’s paid back the money she owes you as you need it to buy the property but of course you’d love her to be your house mate; once that cash is in your bank; I’d block the fucking cow & make sure she knows why you want nothing to do with the loose lipped foghorn. If she refuses get a solicitor involved she’s signed in front of independent witnesses that must stand for something legally.

I was in a different situation where my wedding photographer wouldn’t let me have all the photos I had paid for. I’d known her for 20 years! After many broken promises I eventually went down the small claims court process to recoup some of the money. It was lengthy (sending recorded letters then escalating to a judgement and enforcement when that failed) and costly but the out of pocket costs were added to her debt. It was during covid and bailiffs were not working as usual by entering properties and taking goods so I ended up getting my money paid back through her employer as stupidly her partner plastered it all over FB. If you do decide to go down this route make sure you screenshots of all communication where she acknowledges the debt to you and her intentions of paying it back. Good luck OP.

Assume you won’t get any, then it’ll be a nice surprise if she does pay it back after the small claims court.

Id have sympathy if she’d paid small amounts back and was concerned that she couldn’t pay more, but I don’t think this is the case here. She’s written off that 4k in her head and sees moving in with you as a way to get more from you. She won’t pay rent!

I'm pretty sure progressive socialists don't condone stealing 4k from friends. If they do they're as bad as her.

For the sake of 4k however much you want it back do not let this person continue in your life.
Borrow it on credit cards and move to 0% interest if you need fixtures and fittings or manage with basics until you can save. I would either do as suggested and take her to small claims or I would cut her free for my own mental health and say fuck off keep the money do not darken my door again.
Block her and move on.

Who cares if they are socialist leaning? Take her yo court. You'll make new friends.

One way to actually get the money back... In one go... Judge Rinder. As you have a contract it will be an easy win... And won't cost you anything. I speak from experience in a very similar situation. Pm if you want to talk more.

I think you're conflating several issues here, OP.

1. Your friend owes you money, which you loaned in good faith*
2. Your friend has issues with their home country and does not want to return
3. You have something she doesn't have (home/security) and can offer her a solution to her housing problem
4. It's morally wrong to not repay a debt to someone
5. You're not a billionaire - you saved hard to get that money together
6. She is using emotional blackmail and manipulating your other friends to portray you as being unfair and materialistic

*However, it doesn't sound as though she ever intended/intends to pay you back, regardless of her financial situation.

You could offer to let her move in, but it sounds as though she'll only be paying the rent, not repaying the loan. Obviously you need to do what you feel is right, but I doubt you're going to easily get your money back, if at all.

Hope you replied to her statement on the What’s app group that when you lent her the money it was as a friend & to help her get out of a situation not of her making. There was a clearly agreed pay back date that she has now passed & as she is now trying to blackmail you you no-longer count her as a friend & you’ll see her in court unless she decides to be a decent human being & pay back what she rightfully owes you!
On top of the court claim for the money she owes you apply for damages too for the distress she has caused & the now slanderous accusations she is making!
Keep screen shots of all conversations about the loan especially ones with the amount & when she agreed to the pay back date!
To be honest those that know you will know the truth & anyone else doesn’t matter!

Absolutely what @Grrrrdarling just wrote.

Also, you're going to need to toughen up a bit and stop giving a shit about what other people - like those "socialist leaning friends" - think, when you know in yourself that you've nothing to be ashamed of.

And for it's worth, I'm most definitely socialist leaning myself, and I think people should be judged not by money but by their compassion, or lack of it. You proved your compassion when you lent someone a very large - to me it is, anyway! -sum of money to help them out. You got shafted in return.

If the "socialist leaning friends" now judge you for not being willing to lie down and be walked over just because you could financially afford to, then they not only have some growing up to do, they also need to step out of their rarified little ivory tower and see the world as it really is.

Listening to your parents hasn't put you in this position. You're naïveté has. Unfortunately this will likely be an expensive life lesson for you. Going forward:

1. don't lend what you can't afford to lose;
2. You'd be mad to allow your "friend" to move in. You'll likely not receive any rent and be unable to get her out;
3. Do issue proceedings, but keep in mind that even if you get judgment in your favour that will not guarantee repayment if she still refuses to pay - yes you could enforce but the success of such action will depend on her financial position/assets.

Well your "friend group" can get over themselves, unless they would like to pay back the £4000 she owes you!!!

Look ...you either bite the bullet and take her to small claims or you suck it up, put it down to experience and move on. She is clearly not going to pay you back!!

And why on earth you still count her as a friend along with the others who are "progressive" and might frown on you for wanting YOUR money back ...I have no idea!!!

I agree!

I presume the OP's parents didn't think that she would turn around and lend her money to someone else.