Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

Yes for the kids at school it's probably agree to a cover up esp if he's already bullied and presumably you have little faith in school protecting him. Hernia?? That's groin area, simply needs popping in and stitching. For a 7 yo, that doesn't require a complicated bit of remembering

Privacy is not the same as dishonesty.

When people have time off work for surgery nobody calls them liar for not disclosing the nature of their surgery. The vast majority of my colleagues over the years have never said what their surgery was. I don't expect anyone to tell me what surgery they are having!

Nobody has the right to know private information and it's really unhelpful to conflate privacy and dishonesty. Boundaries are important and people should never feel guilty for protecting their privacy.

This.

It's important the school knows because they will need to make sure he's protected and understand what they are dealing with re PE etc. or if he gets bumped.

But the only people who know will be those who need to know. Eg class teacher. Basically, when your child is with us, we act in loco parentis. We can only do that if we have the facts needed to protect your child as you would.

You have no idea the sort of information that schools hold on pupils, what we know of them personally or their families. Information that could be very damaging if it got out. So it doesn't.

It won't be discussed anywhere else. We're not idiots 😉

I think school, which has a lot of activities and physical activities/energy is completely different from work..... A LOT different from work! They can't even be compared.

I agree that the school need to know the nature of the operation (maybe just his teacher and the school office manager) in case there are any complications afterwards. They’re obviously very unlikely to say to him “Hey Harry, how’s your testicle” in front of the other students, but just explain to them that your son is choosing not to tell his friends so please could they be discreet?

It’s less important what you tell family members and friends. I’m surprised close family don’t know already- didn’t they ever change his nappy?

I'd suggest OP making an appointment with HT/teacher - giving them the information but stressing your concerns around privacy and need to keep medical information confidential.

That way - if there are things to be concerned about or keep an eye out for they are aware - so you're covered and minimise any minor risks.

I wouldn't lie as that can cause problems just politely refuse to give any more information/change subject or talk about hospital or something else as distraction.

Oh ffs!!!

The fact that you put delicate in bold in your subject line speaks volumes about you OP.

And your user name @LittlewhitelieLily136 (little white lie.)

You are in danger of raising a child who feels embarrassed about his body.

Why is this delicate? It's part of his body.

At 6 it has no sexual function and even when it does after puberty, it ought not to be an off-limits discussion.

Were you brought up in a home where the body was something to be embarrassed about?

Being blunt, this is one reason why men end up having undiagnosed serious illnesses, because they are not brought up (sometimes) to see a dr about things below the belt or issues with weeing and pooing.

Totally fine to lie. Who is it hurting? Absolutely no one (although it would be held in the strictest confidence anyway).

Hope it all goes well for your son

This with bells on!! ⭐️

My DS had to have a testicle removed due to torsion when he was 10. I told the school and as far as i am aware it went no further than to those who needed to know.

Ask your son, don’t assume you need to shroud this whole thing in secrecy. It’s just a body part that needs fixing, your views won’t be aligned with how kids are taught to talk about their bodies now.

Yep this. Seen it done both purposefully and accidentally. Adults might rib their mates about this type of thing. and thinking that kind of talk is appropriate to do a child is far too common.the face of the child when this happens is all you need to see to not disclose.

regarsing teachers too accidentally or idiotically. “Oh should you be doing that with your injury/op/condition.talking about it quietly but Not with both child or other staff.

could you say it’s something in that area.
so that they can be mindful of something down there but not.

Totally fine to lie. Who is it hurting? Absolutely no one (although it would be held in the strictest confidence anyway).

There is always possibility they can unravel prompt further questions - lead to complications being dismissed through incorrect information lead to stress for child/Op to remember lie.

Honesty is usually much more straight forward policy - and frankly saying that's all the information you need or question why they need to know more is a good boundary setting example - lying not so much.

It very much does get discussed elsewhere.and it’s surprising how the 6 degrees of separation works in this kind of thing!

Tell the teacher the true reason but also inform him/her that to save him any embarrassment/teasing, you and your boy will be saying he's been off with a stomach bug if anyone asks.

A chemical producing organ, is being rerouted to its correct area in the anatomy.

Just say its a hernia repair

School need to know because it could make a difference if he complains of tummy ache/whatever - it could be the difference between 'Oh dear, James, never mind, go and sit down again' and 'Hello, Mrs OP, I've got James with me and he was playing football when the ball hit him around the area where he had surgery. He's saying it hurts a bit, doesn't seem too upset, but I thought it best to call you in case it needs checking out'. Especially as a minor procedure could be an ingrowing toenail, removal of a mole or anything anywhere else on the body, so they wouldn't know if it could be in need of immediate medical medical attention or a completely unconnected, trifling thing.

(By the way, he's not having an orchidectomy - that's removing a testicle).

I can't think of anything more uninteresting at work than the detail of a small boy's surgery - nobody wants to talk about such things beyond providing appropriate support for his recovery/potential first aid. And it's an incredibly commonplace procedure for 5-6 year olds; one of my half brothers had the same aged 5 wayyyyy back in the dim mists of time of the 1960s.

The OP reminds me of my first boyfriend's mother - she was so traumatised by the doctors saying any words relating to his reproductive system in front of her, she told him that he'd had surgery to repair an inguinal hernia instead of whatever surgery he actually had as a newborn. I mean, maybe they did gain access to his abdomen via his penis, but I doubt it.

Don't say this. Orchidectomy is castration!

I’d give the non-specific explanation pps have suggested.

Sad to say, I wouldn’t 100% trust somebody among the staff not to let it out. And as a pp has said, a desire for privacy is not the same as being ashamed.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t suppose many of us would want it generally known at work that we were having our piles done.

Exactly this.

Or you could lie and say hernia.

I wouldn’t 100% trust somebody among the staff not to let it out

It's not interesting or unusual enough to stand even the slightest risk of that happening. Which it wouldn't, anyhow.

Honestly I don't know what the problem is. Both my brother and my son had this op done and although we didn't shout it from the rooftops we didn't hide whatsoever what op he was having. It is very common and normal. In fact I remember in the 1980's when my brother had the op and he had to stay in hospital my mum told me he was having his ball put into its bag. We knew loads of boys who had It done and it was called the ball op, it was seen as just the same as kids having their tonsils or appendix out.

When my son had it we called it the ball operation and no one batted an eyelid.

Just be honest and upfront when you have to be but don't make a big deal of trying to hide it as it makes it more of an issue than it needs to be.

I wouldn't either and it's not about being interesting or unusual.