Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

Most people don’t understand… not sure where boron came from!

It doesn't matter if you think it is embarrassing or not, he is entitled to privacy and no one is entitled to know anything about his testicles unless he wants to tell them. It is lovely that you have never had a child bullied but I can assure you there are children who would tease him, not all children but some and I think the OP is probably a better judge of that than you or i.

Teachers shouldn't disclose medical info to other pupils, I went into school to speak to a teacher, she asked me to wait and as I stood, bored, at her desk I looked down and there was a report about a child being diagnosed with ADHD, I looked away but the title gave that information away and the room was full of 30 children and any one of them could have walked up and read it so I would not be totally sure of confidentiality.

"He's having an operation. It's nothing dangerous, but it's a private matter and out of respect for him I won't be sharing the specifics."

Sounds like some sort of bizarre press release. My response to ' . . . out of respect for him I won't be sharing the specifics' would be a muttered 'Didn't ask . . . '

Agree with this.

Untrue. There could be complications. Stitches might burst and he might need to be looked at. Also PE classes. Movement. Physical class activities. I can think of many reasons, and many prior posters on this thread before me have said the exact same thing. They do need to know the details of the operation. And there is absolutely no reason for OP not to tell, and no reason to treat it as secret and shameful.

Don't say this. It will immediately make people speculate what it could be to make you so insistent on privacy - they could invent something worse through gossiping.

I agree you just say he's having minor surgery - if people ask just say it's nothing much, sound like you aren't too sure of the technicalities and are bored of trying to explain.

You could say it's some kind of small hernia if you need to give something. They are quite common.

As I said earlier, we've been in exactly the same situation and 'minor op' was all they needed to know.

At the same time, I agree with openness being most healthy 😁 Our DS had a testicular torsion and happily told everyone about it 🤔 He didn't get bullied as he didn't give a shit.

Do you want to send a message that the world and his wife have some sort of right to know his personal business? That he has no right to keep things private if that is what he wants?

The key word there is happily. Great if your son wanted to share, equally great if he didn't.

You may not have known it, but they did need to know more than that. You are quite lucky there was no emergency with your child, if there was, and they didn't know, it could have hampered him getting seen to in time or he could have been placed in a situation where he got injured. It's never good to brag about not giving school all the details. I worked in a school office for 2 years, and they do need to know these things. Honesty is the best policy, and the parent-school relationship always works best when parents are honest, open and transparent. And as I said, these things need the stigma around them broken down, not encourage the child to lie about health issues or feel ashamed about their body like it's 1912. The backward attitudes from some people on here who encourage shame, guilt and lying has totally shocked and dismayed me. I thought it was 2022. Unfortunately there are still parents with backward and harmful attitudes that should have no place in today's society.

The thing is, someone will just ask him what has happened, and if he's anything like my children, he'll tell them all he details.

Just own it. You are embarrassed, as I probably would be, but that's no excuse to make your poor child lie.

You don't have to even tell school what he is having done. Just tell them he is having an operation and will need time off. If he is well you can request work to do at home. Not that my sons useless secondary school did when he had to have 6 weeks off recovering from surgery though. Only thing we got was an attendance letter warning me and asking me to encourage him to improve his attendance. I was fuming so much they changed that letter template, as they don't check who it goes to they agreed to add a bit stating its automatic and ignore this if its genuine illness. Waste of paper.

I would tell the school the truth - they need to make sure that afterwards he is ok in PE etc
And of course there is nothing shameful at all
BUT I would say to anyone else that it is a hernia tear - because primary school children are v v silly and don't have the maturity to get that this is a normal / quick procedure
I do understand that this is hypocritical of me and that the more people who talk about this procedure openly the better!

He is 7 years old, he is a child, he doesn't have the right to choose. His parents do, they are in charge of him and responsible for him and they should do the responsible thing and disclose it to school admin, because they need to know.

You should tell the school. Children have these types of ops often. Staff are used to it and will be able to keep an eye on him when he comes back to school. All information is shared on a need to know basis.

Tbh they put my sons down as abdominal surgery for pe reasons, but even with 6 weeks recovery he couldn't do pe for months still when he was back so made no difference.

My son had a circumcision for medical reasons at the same age. I told his class teacher the exact truth, but clarified that this was obviously personal and confidential information.

We told close family, but they never raised it with him beyond a get well soon card and pressie.

I left it up to him what he told his friends - I gave him the option of just telling the truth, saying simply "it's private", or making up whatever fanciful lie he felt like 🤣🤣 I think in the end he went with "I had to have a small operation, but it's fine now" and just changed the subject.

If your son is just 6, almost 7, I guess you must be in your 30s?

How odd for someone of your generation to feel embarrassed by an operation on genitalia. You are behaving like someone (might) who is in their 80s, not a young woman!

Your son, at 6, does not have sexual awareness of his balls.
They are just his balls.

It's you who are projecting 'embarrassment' onto all of this.

It's highly likely you will need to say something because he may be well enough to go back to school but will need to avoid being 'bumped' in PE or playtime as it might be tender.

You are being really silly to make such a song and dance over it.

Fwiw it was important for his class teacher to know, because despite healing really very well, the one thing the poor boy couldn't do for months was sit cross legged on the floor.

I would say to the school that he’s having a urogenital surgical procedure and leave it at that. That don’t need to know the details.

No, I want to send the message that the genitals are a normal part of the body and that where medical issues are concerned there is no need to pretend it's something else. I'm not suggesting it's announced by town crier, but the school at least need to know. I see no reason to keep it from close family members either.

I have a nearly 7 year old, I think you are turning this into a "thing" the way you are talking about it here. He has an undescended testicle, if you didn't tip toe around it and turn it into a huge thing he'd be fine. You need to address the bullying, not invent some weird web of lies. A child in my sons class had an op recently my son said it was on her legs but had no idea what for. No one asked, just hope she's OK. No need to explain to school people but it's a bit weird to be secretive with family. My son had this when he was born and my family knew about it, it came down on its own eventually though, was never a secret though.

Surely school need to know as a duty of care thing for when he goes back or is he off until he's completely healed and restriction free?

Does he want it kept secret from family? As I'm if his Nana asks how he's feeling, is it harder for him to pretend he had his tonsils out than just to be able to say his willy doesn't hurt anymore?

Ye

Yes for the kids at school it's probably agree to a cover up esp if he's already bullied and presumably you have little faith in school protecting him. Hernia?? That's groin area, simply needs popping in and stitching. For a 7 yo, that doesn't require a complicated bit of remembering