Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

I'm pretty I informed my DS Head teacher and form teacher but that was only because of the nature of the operation as PE was off the list for a while.
It really is no one else business.

My son had the same op, at the same age - made worse, actually, as the surgeons discovered a huge hernia blocking the teste's descent. I told his class teacher he'd had an operation on his genitals, that he wasn't allowed to do PE or sports during his recovery (for about 3 months, if I remember correctly) and encourage him not to play games including "roundhouse kicks" or sliding tackles with his friends during breaks. Not one of his friends ever found out, to the best of my knowledge.Same thing when he had to be circumcised the previous year.

Don't lie, even if you feel that you have to in order to protect your son.All you'll actually be doing, as others have said, is telling him that his genitals are something to be embarrassed of/by, and potentially causing him more harm when he goes back to school and his teacher(s) don't know to keep a weather eye on the antics of a 7 year old boy. He will need a period of recovery from this op, where he won't be medically advised to do certain activities. The school will need to know why. If you lie to them and say, "oh he's having his tonsils out"" - that leads to two potential problems: him being hurt because they don't know it's a delicate area which has been operated on... and whatever organ or bit you've said he's having operated on ending up inflamed, or infected and the school thinking he/you are swinging the lead, so to speak, because "he's had that bit removed already!".

An undescended teste isn't anything for your son to be ashamed of. It's actually more common than you probably think, and once sorted, once recovered, has little to no impact upon the lad's life. My son's 17 and ridiculously active - his teste is apparently firmly in place, still, and he has three neat little scars, which he considers a small price to pay for not being in pain anymore (the hernia, we think, rather than the teste trying to react to gravity and not being able to).But I will say this; that hernia was not picked up on by any of the consultants or surgeons my son saw, until they were already inside of him... and if you have other sons, it might be worth keeping a weather eye on them, teste-wise, too (my son's younger half-brother is 11 now and just had the same surgery, himself - he feels very awkward about it, due to starting senior school, but as my 17 year old says "it's nothing to be embarrassed by and if other boys notice the small incisions, it says more about them [staring] than it does about [younger brother]!")

When people have time off work for surgery nobody calls them liar for not disclosing the nature of their surgery. The vast majority of my colleagues over the years have never said what their surgery was. I don't expect anyone to tell me what surgery they are having!

I have to give copies of any appointment letters to our HR department. I cant have paid time off just by saying “I’m having minor surgery”!

You don't have to disclose what is wrong though, just appt letters. You are within your rights to keep things private and I know this for a fact as dh has done exactly that.

You could rephrase it has he has a trapped muscle that needs releasing I guess.

I agree, that's why I specifically mentioned lying. As many others have pointed out, she can just say he's having a small operation, which is not a lie, without going into details rather than inventing a story. Its the lying, and expecting her DS to lie, that suggests an unusual level of shame and discomfort at the mention of genitalia.

I'd just be straight out honest with everyone. DH was circumcised and MIL acted like it was a state secret, he is still a bit funny and embarrassed about it now nearly 45 years later.

When DS had to be done he told everyone he had to have his foreskin cut off as it was 'proper tight'. No one actually cared, his school friends thought it was quite cool and there wasn't any whispering or bother about it when he returned to school. We had to advise them as he wasn't allowed out to play for a short while and had to sit out of PE.

Honestly if he's being bullied there being any weirdness and silence about why he's off might just inflame this. Tell him to tell anyone that he's got such huge balls that one got stuck if anyone asks.

As a school secretary, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the truth, but if you said it was a private matter I would suspect you were actually going on holiday. Say its a hernia if that keeps it more simple.

And if anyone I knew told me their son was having this op I'd drop a card, comics and some sweets round and hope his recovery goes well and ask if they needed help with school run etc for any other kids.

It really really wouldn't be a big deal!!

(A delicate operation is having the nozzle of the vacuum or a tin of spaghetti hoops removed from your arse.)

My son had an undescended testicle removed when he was two years old and he’s always known what testicles are, and that most boys have two but he’s only got one and why etc. We are very open and honest about it.

He is now 8 and is always talking about it to anyone who will listen and is so proud that he only has one. He is not embarrassed about it all.

Am I worried he will bullied? I used to be, but not anymore.

I don’t think your family needs to know but you need to inform the school as there can be some complications. My son had his remaining testicle had to be stitched into place to ensure there was no movement of it as apparently this can happen as the years pass, and as a result he has to be extremely wary in contact sports to ensure there is no risk to the internal healed tissues, and as it is his only testicle I’m very aware we have to take super care of it.

Plus the doctors said that if there is any scrotal swelling or aches or pain within his scrotum (at any point in life, not just post-op) then he will need immediate medical attention as it can indicate a problem with the surgical site or the remaining testicle as apparently there is a higher risk of him having testicular torsion with only testicle.

As a result his operation has to be listed on his school health records and the teachers have to be aware of it so they know that it’s urgent if he complains of any pain or discomfort and that he will need medical attention straight away.

Personally I think making lies up is making it seem shameful which it isn't, and also setting a bad example.

You don't have to give a reason and if people pester let them, just cos they pester doesn't mean you have to tell.

Have you asked your son what he wants you to say to people?

Hernia! Lots of people have surgery and its in the right-ish area of the body.

Just say this and deflect further questions.

I've worked in several schools and have never heard staff gossiping about a child having a minor surgical procedure. Why on earth would they be interested? Undescended testes are common and lots of kids have to have minor procedures for any number of issues. I think most people have no idea the kind of sensitive information schools are party to but, believe me, in the scheme of things we deal with a minor testicular operation will not be considered even remotely newsworthy!

What does your son want? My son has just had the same operation and he told everyone at school and his friends himself (my son is 9) Also it may be helpful for school to know as he won't be allowed to do PE or swimming for a certain amount of time afterwarfs and will likely have to miss school for a few weeks. If he's in pain when he goes back he may want to specify where plus my son got post op testicle swelling and was happy his teacher knew as he could tell them that he was swollen and then knew where and they could contact me.I really doubt the teachers would make it known or question your child about it.

There is such a load of bollocks on this thread.

I feel sorry for but also a tad angry about the posters protesting about 'privacy'. And saying use a 'hernia' instead.

Why is a hernia op less embarrassing than balls? It's all in the groin area.

I thought it was 2022.

I thought we were able to discuss testicles, penis, vagina, cervix, ovaries, foreskins, hysterectomies etc etc without whispering the words?

As PPs have said, the school need to know. He will be off contact sports and other rough activities for some time.

When he is an adult, he can make decisions about privacy himself.

Now, as a parent, you can set the right example by being matter or fact about any part of his body.

You don't think a child needs privacy about health matters?

All the OP needs to say is that he is having an operation and should avoid contact sports until further notice.

It's not that hard tbh. I have a child with a number of health issues. I do not broadcast them for allcomers (indeed, even the school for things that are not directly related to how he might be at school). This is because I have respect for my child. And there are many things that are no-one's business to know the ins and outs of.

Neverdropyourmooncup, maybe you’ve been lucky enough not to know people in supposedly confidential jobs, who blab.
Unfortunately I have, including a doctor’s receptionist.

Yes i would tell the school . MY ds had an operation on his testies - emergency so not planned..

School needed to be aware for his health reasons.. It is rediculous to lie to them..

Other people vague is fine.

Yep, me too.

You don't think a child needs privacy about health matters?

I think their physical well being takes precedent and ensuring that -especially in a primary school setting- is making sure adults who have him in their care have enough information to ensure their well being.

I suspect that "enough" means here slightly more information that just small op but I image that OP can check that with HCP.

I also think expecting professionals - which teachers are - to be professional and not gossip about clearly confidential information shouldn't be outrageous expectation - if OP concerned she needs to go through HT and a insist on a reminder that this is confidential.

Everyone else - they don't need to know - though OP DS should be allowed to say what ever he wants about it all.

Its pretty easy to guess what it is from that statement.

It's more complicated than that. Sitting cross-legged can cause problems. Certain activities can cause problems. Not just PE. The school needs to know the details. This has been said over and over. They need to know the details. It has nothing to do with privacy, any more than disclosing or not disclosing childhood vaccinations is about privacy. It's about medical records. It is about Duty of Care and Safeguarding.

Excellent post.

I feel really sorry for you

Is this still going?

Again, the school does NOT need to know the details. Just that he's having an operation and won't be able to do PE for x weeks.

The appointment letter does not state what is wrong with him, and unless there becomes a need to know for any reason on his return, this just isn't an issue. It's all very all saying he should be open, but he's a seven year old who's already bullied, and other seven year old boys can be little shits, especially those who are already bullies.

Although I have had colleagues in school who've been unapologetic blabbermouths (and been called up for it) even they wouldn't have actually spread information to other children. But seriously there's no need for them to know any details beyond hiwhat he can and can't do when he returns.