Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

I definitely wouldn't say that. Too much information.

He's too young to understand that I think

7 year old boys never stop talking about their bits do they?! I wouldn't lie as he's bound to chat away about it.

As a former teacher, I'd not ask a parent what the operation was. But that fact they were being coy and circumspect would instantly make me think it was 'down there'.

I'd feel puzzled that the parent didn't appreciate anything said to staff stayed with staff.

i wouldn’t lie. I’d tell the school the truth, as they’ll need to know when he goes back.
I wouldn’t regard it as delicate, any more than having ears pinned back is delicate. One body part doesn’t have shameful connotations. It may be private, it may be you don’t want to discuss it, but telling lies is just not on. You’re sending the wrong message to your son that telling lies is OK, when you perhaps should be showing him that honestly is best, and you don’t need discuss anything you’re not comfortable with.
My best mate has 2 little boys, a bit younger than yours, they both needed this operation, and once she had explained it to them, they went to school and told everyone! They achieved somewhat ‘celeb’ status, and the boys, in particular, were awed.

My son had the same, the school definitely need to know. Especially to watch out for him in break time and pe.

My son underwent exactly the same surgery when he was 1yo!

I just said that it was a surgery on his genitourinary system. No details needed.

I do agree with many others that the mum/OP here is the one with the problem and will give her son a complex. There is no 'need' to lie. This is 2022, not the early 1900s. Stop making your son feel ashamed of his body, OP. The more things like undescended testicles are talked about publicly, the better! Don't be that parent that causes harm, embarrassment and social stigma. It's 2022, for goodness sake.

I’d update them on the aftercare and post op stuff, but if ds wanted the exact details kept a bit quiet I’d respect that

ds had an accident when he was 8, The school was amazing, so if the school is good, I’d talk to dep head and explain and ask for a bit of discretion when he’s back after the op.

I a with pp who have pointed out that you needn't go into specifics at all. I definitely would not lie though. It really does make it shameful or embarrassing and it isn't! It is in he who shall not be named territory, stuff that! It is just a minor procedure that is very common and really does not need shrouded in lies.

You only need to tell the school that your DS will be off for a operation. They do not need to know the details unless it will affecting return and he needs to be careful, say in P.E. You are not lying and have let them know what they need to know and no more.

School - Surely they would heed proof of his absence? My dd needed weeks off school plus follow up appointments. I ensured her appointment letters to school. Plus I
He may have to stay in at break times and miss pe.

Family - I'd tell them

Friends - Say he had a mole / birthmark removed.

Don’t tell school the specifics - it won’t be kept confidential. Minor op for a long standing issue is all anyone needs to know.

Omg i wouldnt ever lie to my son. Dont assume!

But, you'd happily lie to familial members and the school, @LittlewhitelieLily136 ?

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
**

Yes, it will be kept confidential. It has to be, by law.

My teenage son had an emergency operation for Testicular Torsion. I was honest with the school office & his form tutor as to why he had been off and the recovery advice. I wanted them to be in possession of the full facts as they are responsible for his Safeguarding whilst in school. He did suffer a complication afterwards, if staff hadn’t known the full circumstances he may well have been expected to just soldier on with it.
Anyone who didn’t need to know was just told he was recovering from a routine operation.

If you're cagey about it people will guess anyway. It's pretty common and given his age and gender people will put 2+2 together.

This absolutely! I mean, almost half the world population have testicles. Its like he's being body shamed.

Actually, even the title is annoying. It is not a delicate procedure! This is your stuff, your embarrassment, your awkwardness. Do not project it onto him. Do not pass it onto him. Don't make this something complicated!

I think the comments here suggesting that you are embarrassed about it being a testicle op overlooks the basic reality that seven year old classmates find testicles and bums and willies funny things to tease people about. On top of that, the idea that it is a ‘lie’ loads it with a sense that you are being sneaky and deceptive; you aren’t: you are simply not sharing private medical information with people who have no need to know the details. Tell the school it’s a minor op - they don’t need to know the precise details unless the surgeon advises that you tell them the specifics - and tell family it’s a hernia / groin op or whatever you feel like. I totally disagree that this is a deceptive lie told to family who have some right to know about your child’s testicle! Do what makes you feel comfortable.

Telling the school who have a legal need to know and a legal Duty of Care does not equal telling children. She can tell the school office, who have a need to know the details. She doesn't need to tell children! His classmates won't know! So how will they tease him? They won't even know. Unless her son tells them himself.

The school don't have a legal duty to know what the operation is. They need to know he's absent due to a minor op but that's all.

As a now retired teacher of 7 year olds I would need to know some general info simply so that I could make sure he was following after care instructions. During PE for instance. No need to be given all the details, just the area of his body which might be needing a bit of care being taken.

**need not duty

I would lie, and say it is a hernia operation because (a) it is nobody’s business but avoids further questions (b) everyone knows the word and that they are operated in but most boron or don’t understand more than that and (c) those are often in the groin area so if he is protective of himself afterwards it all sort of fits with the hernia story.