Am I a misery guts

[AdamAntlers]

So, I think I might be U and a bit snappy. The backstory is that I feel that DH has form for putting the kids (6 and 4) and I behind his own wants every single time. It’s small things but they really add up. It’s a quality that’s served him well in life, and he’s been successful but I don’t think he can change it, even for his family. So for example, all our holidays, days out etc revolve around what he wants. He’ll book late evening flights/ cinema showing because they’re most convenient for him, then the kids will be tired and act up. If I leave him to order a takeaway by himself, he’ll think nothing of ordering 4 spicy dishes that the kids won’t eat. He’ll only want to go on family days out to ‘grown up’ theme parks which he enjoys but not a ‘childish’ day out. He decided he needs a music studio (hobby) so he’s sound proofed and taken one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares. So on and so forth.

So on to tonight’s argument. DH loves going out for leisurely brunches at the weekends. Before kids, and even when they were babies, this was not an issue. However, the kids get up at 6 and are absolutely starving if made to wait for breakfast till 10 when DH is up/ showered.
add to that, DS6 is a fussy eater. If I can feed him a proper breakfast at home, he eats really well but out at new brunch places it’s basically an 80% chance he won’t eat anything nutritious and then be a pain in the afternoon. Literally, at least fortnightly DH will pipe up on a Friday night ‘I know, let’s have a relaxed brunch out tomorrow’. Then I either have to go along with his plan which makes my Saturday harder or say no and be a ‘misery guts’. Today he suggested brunch at a new vegan place. I said it would be easier to do lunch instead. After dinner he started again about how excited he was for brunch at this new place. I got exasperated and said, ‘I assume you’ve checked the menu to see they have something for the kids?’

he’s just gone up to his studio in a huff that I’m a misery. Obviously I would also like to be fun and spontaneous but I feel like either I’m the one who has to think about practicalities or deal with the fallout from his plans. So bloody sick of it.

so go on, Aibu, let me have it. Am I a fun sucking, boring misery guts or does anyone understand my perspective?

You don’t sound like a misery guts but you do sound like a walkover. You should watch bad sisters on Apple TV, it’s how I’ve envisaged your husband and you. Your DH is a prick

The brunch thing on its own isn't that bad IMO, but the other things are awful: the room; the spicy foods; booking everything late in the evening; the scary films. He comes across as both selfish and lacking in basic understanding of young children.

Wow what an arsehole. I would be serving him his notice to fuck off. And quickly. Your poor children.

Most people outside of my parents would consider him very charming / gregarious and me a bit dry / miserable, I’m really not sure if I’ve gotten used to thinking of us through those lenses or whether there’s truth in it. For example, the music room, I know he’d say I don’t have creative passions so I can’t understand why he needs it. I might not agree, but it is true as well that I don’t have any real passions, so I second guess myself.

He is isn’t just selfish OP, he is a bully. He is gaslighting you into doubting yourself, thinking that other people don’t like you, and thinking you are a lesser person than him. These things aren’t true. He is lying to you.

This is abusive behaviour. If I were you I would find yourself a counsellor (tell him it’s physio if you need an explanation), and work out what you want for your children and yourself and what you want to do about this toxic set up.

I would think long and hard about this. I’d be interested to know what your parents think. I hope they have your back.

I would leave him for suggesting a vegan brunch !

He decided he needs a music studio so he’s sound proofed one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. 😂😂😂😂 that's actually hilarious!

And not in a good way 😳

Sorry probably not what you want to hear but your kids are going to grown up with either the same attitude as him very selfish. Or have daddy issues. Honestly sit him down talk to him and if that doesnt work. Stop doing whatbhe wants take the kids to where they will enjoy it and have a good time on your own with them. He might realise what he is missing out on maybe.

You need to stand up for your DC, their father is a twat who acts as if they don't exist.
Why are you allowing him to make them watch things that will scare them? It's all absolutely horrible.

If “misery guts” is code for “giving a fuck about the children because my DH can’t be bothered and acting like a grownup who makes sure they’re actually able to, I dunno, eat,” then yes, I suppose you’re a “misery guts.” If, instead, this is your husband’s way of having the MOST childish strop, because his way would leave your children with stomach aches (from spicy food he orders without considering them), nightmares (from films that aren’t suited for them that he shows them without considering them), hungry (because he takes them places there’s no suitable food for them, obviously without considering them), or just generally exhausted and fractious (from late night movie showings and whatever else his bizarre selfish, ‘I’m pretending I never had children’ behavior’ is), then no, you are not a “misery guts.” Honestly. He’s a pathetic man-child already, and he’s just demonstrating it further by name-calling.

But what’s the solution? I mean, the answer is that you hand the kids to him and say, “Congrats, you’re a fucking parent, too. Learn to live with it, and stop pretending this isn’t your bloody life. They’re small, but they’re people, too. I’m having a day out.” But this could turn pretty dark, quickly. Because it sounds like, without you there, you wouldn’t trust him with the children - making sure they have food, doing age-appropriate things with them, and not doing something unbelievably stupid like fucking traumatizing them by showing a nine year old “It” and instilling a lifelong fear of clowns or something, sigh. (Source: Friend’s husband was pathetic selfish man child, who NEVER considered the kids, and fucking did this). IS that how you feel? This is about so much more than a stupid brunch.

And just a point here, if you couldn’t trust your children’s other parent to do anything for your children’s well-being so you have to do it all yourself, when you’re not even a single parent on paper, er, maybe most of us would feel like a “misery” occasionally. You’re not wrong there, OP.

He's emotionally abusing your DC's.

I'd say LTB but you have to have a plan to ensure they dont end up with him very often as then they'd just get more neglected with no other adult there

If you think you could leave and he wouldn't chase contact go for it. Your and DC's life will be much better.

It is harming your DC's to continue as is. Nothing worse than growing up feeling an inconvenience to your parent.

Did he even want DC's? Does he ever tell them he loves them?

I've skipped on to the end, because too many people are saying that you should put the children first, but from what I read you already are putting them first. But where are your needs and wants in all this?

I'm a bit concerned that two boys are having this extremely selfish man and an extremely abnegated mother as their role models.

In the end their future happiness will depend on them being able to form good relationships.

We know a family, through mutual friends, that sounds very similar to this, but their kids are now adult.

We had enjoyed many nights out as a group - the Dad is gregarious, popular, life and soul of the party, always happy to help others with practical stuff; the Mum nice but very quiet, stays in the background, hard to get to know.

We were shocked to find out (via other friends whose adult kids know theirs) that both kids have an incredibly difficult relationship with their Dad, and probably wouldn't have a relationship at all if it weren't for the fact their Mum has stayed with him. One kid has serious mental health problems, has repeatedly been placed on suicide watch, and is in intensive counselling about her childhood. The other seems to be coping better, but has moved as far away as possible and adopted her in-laws as her main family.

As far as I know, there's never been any big drama or physical abuse, just a lifetime of them being aware that their Dad's preferences always take priority, and that their Mum goes along with it for peace and quiet.

To give a small example that has parallels with yours, on a recent attempt at a family get-together, the kids chose the restaurant. As it wasn't where their Dad wanted to go, he made subtly snide comments throughout the meal and ruined it for all of them. If they go somewhere he chooses, he's all smiles and great fun. Yes, that can be explained away occasionally, but again and again and again?...

Sorry if that sounds alarmist, but having an honest assessment (with a counsellor if that helps) of how you think your kids will look back on their childhood when older, may help you decide what to do.

Indeed.

I really can’t think of any redeeming features that could possibly even begin to make up for this monumental level of selfishness.

Oh my goodness. Your poor children with the nightmares and a dad who basically objects to everythitn about having children. They are only getting older and they will need that bedroom, I cannot find it in myself to care if the only other option for his music is outside in a muddy snowbank. Op, feel free to say my children are my passions and they are living breathing human beings so they and I need this room for them now. Also, I suggest you say I’m not going out to brunch again this year. I hope that making this clear removes one more regular battle from our lives where you want to pretend you don’t have children. these are only interim measures while you establish if it’s at all possible to live with him. If that means your dc constantly coming last in their home, then it’s not.

I’m not surprised you’re a misery guts, you might be a positive person without life being a constant battle with him to care for your children!

What are you getting from the relationship? You don’t sound like you like each other very much.

You are not a misery!!! He's made you believe that about yourself. He's gaslighting you.

You haven't described it wrong, or made it sound worse. You've been very factual. He chooses scary movies and won't choose a family option. That's just a fact right? You just stated a fact. Honestly that fact makes me feel sick, that's a horrible selfish thing to do. Please please step back and start to see this, he's teaching your kids that they don't matter at all and that will have a real negative impact on the rest of their life.

Is there anywhere else you can go (with the kids obviously)? Like your parents?

it doesn’t have to be permanent. But if there’s any hope of him changing, the threat of him actually losing his wife and children might be the thing to shock him into it. Also it would give you space to be yourself (a good parent!) without him around constantly belittling you.

For example, the music room, I know he’d say I don’t have creative passions so I can’t understand why he needs it.

He doesn't need it. He wants it. And he doesn't give a toss about you or the children. What he wants, he gets. He doesn't care what anyone else wants.

He sounds like a mean and selfish bully. You & the children would be so much happier without him.

This says everything. What he wants come first. Everything else is secondary even at the detriment of his own children.

Please don’t let him gaslight you into making second decisions.

You know your children can’t watch scary films.
You know your children can’t eat spicy food.
You know your children need a bedroom each and not stuffed into the smallest so he can have a luxury music room

You know this. Don’t let him call you a misery guts just so you back down to allow him to walk all over everyone.

OP, he is really, really selfish. And towards the people he should be most loving and sacrificial. His helpless children. I actually feel really sorry for them having a selfish father, as I see how children flourishing and thrive from a kind, thoughtful and generous father. They are going to understandably grow up with inferiority complex and take issue with him- probably you both if you defend them- when they're older.

Regarding the ridiculous brunches, there's no way I'd leave my children hungry until 10. Give them their normal breakfast. If there's nothing small on the menu they want to nibble on then they can have a drink and do some colouring.

I think even when the situation isn’t as extreme as the OP’s, this sort of thing can cause problems. I have some friends and the wife of the couple always struck me as a bit of a misery/naysayer about everything. But as I spent a bit more time with them as a family, I started to appreciate why. Her DH is genuinely lovely, but is a bit of an “ideas man”; he has great plans to do things without always thinking through the practicalities. And so my friend was often the one left to pick up the pieces and sort out two whiny, grumpy kids as a result…..and so has now got into the mindset of saying “no” as a default, even to things that would be fine with a modicum of forward planning. We had them round a few weeks ago and I almost laughed; the DH was full of plans to travel, take the kids across South East Asia and down to New Zealand, while 20 minutes later, his wife was refusing to take the kids on the train from Surrey to the Science Museum because it would be “too much”. And I do wonder how that will work out for them as a couple in the end, because it’s hard to get back to a middle ground from that point. But that’s just a personality clash - her DH is nothing like the OP’s husband with his horror films and his music studio/hobby room….

Sorry, but it sounds like living this man is painstakingly miserable existence. Do yourself a favour and leave him. He will never change his selfish ways.

He sounds incredibly selfish

Why have you just passively gone along with his nonsense all this time?