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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a misery guts

174 replies

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 20:44

So, I think I might be U and a bit snappy. The backstory is that I feel that DH has form for putting the kids (6 and 4) and I behind his own wants every single time. It’s small things but they really add up. It’s a quality that’s served him well in life, and he’s been successful but I don’t think he can change it, even for his family. So for example, all our holidays, days out etc revolve around what he wants. He’ll book late evening flights/ cinema showing because they’re most convenient for him, then the kids will be tired and act up. If I leave him to order a takeaway by himself, he’ll think nothing of ordering 4 spicy dishes that the kids won’t eat. He’ll only want to go on family days out to ‘grown up’ theme parks which he enjoys but not a ‘childish’ day out. He decided he needs a music studio (hobby) so he’s sound proofed and taken one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares. So on and so forth.

So on to tonight’s argument. DH loves going out for leisurely brunches at the weekends. Before kids, and even when they were babies, this was not an issue. However, the kids get up at 6 and are absolutely starving if made to wait for breakfast till 10 when DH is up/ showered.
add to that, DS6 is a fussy eater. If I can feed him a proper breakfast at home, he eats really well but out at new brunch places it’s basically an 80% chance he won’t eat anything nutritious and then be a pain in the afternoon. Literally, at least fortnightly DH will pipe up on a Friday night ‘I know, let’s have a relaxed brunch out tomorrow’. Then I either have to go along with his plan which makes my Saturday harder or say no and be a ‘misery guts’. Today he suggested brunch at a new vegan place. I said it would be easier to do lunch instead. After dinner he started again about how excited he was for brunch at this new place. I got exasperated and said, ‘I assume you’ve checked the menu to see they have something for the kids?’

he’s just gone up to his studio in a huff that I’m a misery. Obviously I would also like to be fun and spontaneous but I feel like either I’m the one who has to think about practicalities or deal with the fallout from his plans. So bloody sick of it.

so go on, Aibu, let me have it. Am I a fun sucking, boring misery guts or does anyone understand my perspective?

OP posts:
ilovemyspace · 02/09/2022 21:06

No, I don't think you're BU at all - i would totally agree with you in the same circumstances.
But what it actually boils down to is whether or not you're prepared to put up with this behaviour from him?

if you've discussed it with him and told him you're not happy and he still doesn't want to change then I think you need to decide how much you're willing to put up with from a partner and how you're going to deal with it ....not always a n easy black-and-white decision I know!! But it's what YOU think is reasonable in YOUR life xx

Summertimesadnesss · 02/09/2022 21:07

I really don’t know if I’m just justifying his behaviour now or whether I’m presenting him in a bad light

You’ll need a massive drip feed to not make him sound anything other than a prize tw@t

Coughee · 02/09/2022 21:08

Your update makes him sound worse tbh, not allowing small kids toys downstairs and only agreeing if he can shove them in a tiny box room. What a shitty dad.

whingewhinge · 02/09/2022 21:08

Honestly he sounds awful. Does he do anything nice for your kids?

bombombo · 02/09/2022 21:09

The bedroom thing is shocking and I don't understand why you'd go along with it?! He sounds completely self centred, I couldn't be with somebody that treated me or his children like an afterthought.

FilthyforFirth · 02/09/2022 21:11

I cant get past the room thing. And you should never have agreed to it.

Snugglemonkey · 02/09/2022 21:11

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 21:01

I really don’t know if I’m just justifying his behaviour now or whether I’m presenting him in a bad light.

the bedrooms - the kids are young and we have two reception rooms downstairs. We use one as a ‘playroom’ with toys etc, it’s next to the kitchen and the kids always wanted to be down there. He would have preferred not to have toys etc downstairs but I wanted the kids to have play space downstairs near where I am most of the time (I WFH in the kitchen: dining room) so we agreed that they could have a reception room for their toys if they had the smaller bedroom upstairs

Why can the kids not have a playroom and a bedroom each? And all the other stuff. He is a selfish arsehole.

drinkfeck · 02/09/2022 21:12

They're.

Fucking hell auto correct!

Sorry I couldn't leave it like that... was driving me mad

Seriously op I would be really concerned the effect this is having on your kids. Especially as the older one is surely coming to an age when they want to bring friends round for play dates. And they have to share a room? So music man can have his sound proofed room (not cheap is it. I work in the industry. Does he spend money on his kids too? Or just on his own stuff?)

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 21:13

OP, I’m afraid your follow-up doesn’t make him sound any less of an arsehole. More of an arsehole, if anything. What sort of man has to be bribed with a fucking recording studio just to get him to agree to allow his kids to have toys downstairs?

You are not a misery guts. Your husband is a selfish wanker.

Disneyblueeyes · 02/09/2022 21:15

What a twat.

The box room thing says it all.

SwissRole123 · 02/09/2022 21:15

Put a stop to this now while your children are still young enough to forgive you.

HipsterCoffeeShop · 02/09/2022 21:15

What a total self absorbed shithead your "D"H is.

His behaviour is actually quite concerning to me. To think so little of the well-being of his children - the box room, staying up late when it's convenient for him, buying takeaway they won't eat....

I feel really sad for your kids and for you actually. I wouldn't put up with this for one moment. Has he ground you down so much OP that you think this is normal?

Stinkbag · 02/09/2022 21:18

I’m actually really surprised how well he has convinced you he’s doing nothing wrong. He doesn’t have to change does he, if you put up with this? He doesn’t seem to understand kids come first. You make sure they eat when they are hungry, that they have space to be fully human and you don’t watch scary films with them - because they are little kids!!!!

MangosteenSoda · 02/09/2022 21:18

The bedroom thing is terrible. Nothing wrong with sharing a room, particularly when little, but it should absolutely be the bigger room and not the box room.

My selfish ex had the music hobby and also commandeered a room for it (never evicted a child though). He also spent nearly ALL his time at home in his special little sound proofed cave. He got up late on weekends and just always wanted to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and by the end, no longer even pretended to make an effort to be anything other than totally self centred.

I don’t want to say LTB on this amount of info, but for you to live a happy life he absolutely needs to improve.

Preeeettyprettygood · 02/09/2022 21:18

Would I fuck be putting up with just a fraction of what you've said!!

Your poor kids

Andromachehadabadday · 02/09/2022 21:18

So the in your first post the music studio was him being selfish. Which it is. But now you are justifying it saying it was actually an agreement all between the both of you?

What was he jealous they had a play room and he wanted one too?

although I don’t see a massive issue with brunch. The kids have breakfast and something snack type while you have brunch. If you don’t want to go, because you don’t want to go, that’s one thing but I am sure you could work the kids round it occasionally.

The rest sounds like completely twattish behaviour. Not sure why you have put up with it at all.

WimpoleHat · 02/09/2022 21:20

You do sound a little bit inflexible with the brunch “thing”; surely you can give your son something to eat at 6 so he’s not starving and then get him to try to eat something at 11? Not the end of the world if you end up making him a sandwich later, but could be the start of a nice family weekend outing? (We do something similar - driven by my DD. My DH struggles with eating outside “normal” mealtimes, but we’ve compromised on last orders, so it’s a late breakfast for her and an early lunch for him.)

BUT - but - all the other stuff you mentioned ? Kids having us share so that he can have a hobby room? Not ordering food they’ll eat and considering them? That’s pretty bloody crap. And looked at in that light, I can see why you are a bit inflexible over a breakfast out; it’s not one thing in isolation, it’s part of a wider pattern…..

GoneWithTheWine1 · 02/09/2022 21:22

The bedroom thing utterly selfish.
Why couldn't he turn the playroom into his "hobby" room?

The brunch thing, still give them breakfast and get them a lunch item. Surely?

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 21:23

The box room is a shocker. But I don’t see why your kid can’t have something light to eat and then have brunch later. I don’t understand why your child’s food issues means no one can go out to a new place for brunch. I really don’t think this level of pandering is acceptable. Where it impacts your social plans. Throw them toast or cereal or whatever they eat and still go to brunch.

CoffeeLover90 · 02/09/2022 21:25

The brunch I can understand. You could have a small breakfast to keep you going until brunch, the fussy eater can have a full breakfast so no need to worry they won't eat anything at brunch. But the rest of it-
Family days out spent doing what one person wants to do
Late activities with small children in tow so no one is enjoying themselves
Family movie night is a horror film
Family take awat

Softplayhooray · 02/09/2022 21:28

sorrynotathome · 02/09/2022 20:51

LTB

This....stuffing his kids in a box room so he can have a hobby room, and making them watch scary movies that give them nightmares just because he likes them... is just awful.

CoffeeLover90 · 02/09/2022 21:28

Posted too soon!
Takeaway is a dish that only one person likes
The worst of the worst, the kids can have toys downstairs on condition they share the smallest bedroom and the larger one is taken for a bloody hobby.
You're not a misery guts at all. Although you soon will be when you realise you've got yourself a selfish, self centered, useless prick of a father under your roof.
Either all the above get fixed and he starts putting the kids needs and wants first or let him continue his single life actually single. Dickhead.

Changemaname1 · 02/09/2022 21:31

The brunch thing isn’t a big deal really , as a long time single parent dc have had to fit in with my plans with stuff like this often or else I’d rarely end up doing anything that I had got much of a say in

however the rest Of it he sounds like a selfish arsehole

Googlecanthelpme · 02/09/2022 21:34

Underanothersky · 02/09/2022 20:51

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Yes my thoughts exactly

it doesn’t sound like a tendency to be a bit self centred and selfish, it sounds like he is 100% focused on his own wants and needs.

This must have been evident before children? Or is he quite considerate of you but doesn’t give a shit about the kids? Did he wants kids? Does he enjoy being a family man?

honestly it sounds like you’ve picked the wrong man here.

and don’t let him gaslight you and say it’s because you’re not fun and a misery guts and he’s doing nothing wrong. Being part of a family means sacrificing some of your own preferences for others. Do we as grown adults want to go to Peppa Pig world? No we fucking do not. But we do it because it’s glorious for our kids. Would I prefer a smart brunch over a 6am wake up and cheese on toast crumbs in my bed? Yes! But kids ain’t fussed on smashed avo on toast.

This is bigger than him just being selfish, he sounds very unpleasant to be honest.

MangosteenSoda · 02/09/2022 21:35

I think the brunch thing is taking too much prominence here.

Yeah, it’s very possible that the OP can manage that with varying breakfasts for each kid + judicious choice of brunch/lunch item at the restaurant… BUT, surely the issue is that the OP is going to be the one doing all the managing (when she would prefer to not be doing that at all) while H gets up whenever, gets ready at his leisure and goes to the venue of his choice.