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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a misery guts

174 replies

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 20:44

So, I think I might be U and a bit snappy. The backstory is that I feel that DH has form for putting the kids (6 and 4) and I behind his own wants every single time. It’s small things but they really add up. It’s a quality that’s served him well in life, and he’s been successful but I don’t think he can change it, even for his family. So for example, all our holidays, days out etc revolve around what he wants. He’ll book late evening flights/ cinema showing because they’re most convenient for him, then the kids will be tired and act up. If I leave him to order a takeaway by himself, he’ll think nothing of ordering 4 spicy dishes that the kids won’t eat. He’ll only want to go on family days out to ‘grown up’ theme parks which he enjoys but not a ‘childish’ day out. He decided he needs a music studio (hobby) so he’s sound proofed and taken one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares. So on and so forth.

So on to tonight’s argument. DH loves going out for leisurely brunches at the weekends. Before kids, and even when they were babies, this was not an issue. However, the kids get up at 6 and are absolutely starving if made to wait for breakfast till 10 when DH is up/ showered.
add to that, DS6 is a fussy eater. If I can feed him a proper breakfast at home, he eats really well but out at new brunch places it’s basically an 80% chance he won’t eat anything nutritious and then be a pain in the afternoon. Literally, at least fortnightly DH will pipe up on a Friday night ‘I know, let’s have a relaxed brunch out tomorrow’. Then I either have to go along with his plan which makes my Saturday harder or say no and be a ‘misery guts’. Today he suggested brunch at a new vegan place. I said it would be easier to do lunch instead. After dinner he started again about how excited he was for brunch at this new place. I got exasperated and said, ‘I assume you’ve checked the menu to see they have something for the kids?’

he’s just gone up to his studio in a huff that I’m a misery. Obviously I would also like to be fun and spontaneous but I feel like either I’m the one who has to think about practicalities or deal with the fallout from his plans. So bloody sick of it.

so go on, Aibu, let me have it. Am I a fun sucking, boring misery guts or does anyone understand my perspective?

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 02/09/2022 22:49

Oysterbabe · 02/09/2022 22:28

But do you object and call him out on it? Surely you aren't sitting by and letting him put on unsuitable films? Any reasonable person would say no and turn it off. Is he ordering food without asking what you want? With his form wouldn't you check what he was ordering for the children and tell him if it's not suitable?

This ^

I find it mind boggling that someone could passively stand by, knowing and observing such selfishness cunty behaviour from their partner but say fuck all? Not even ‘the kids can’t wait for brunch we’ll get up early and get breakfast instead’ ‘no, that film will be too scary for the kids’ ‘why have you only ordered food you can eat and nothing for us?’ ‘No, you can’t have a sound proofed room - the kids need the space’ etc etc.

Poor children…

LicoricePizza · 02/09/2022 22:51

His behaviour re the children is particularly unacceptable.
Is he a narc?

Ineedtoletgo83 · 02/09/2022 22:51

You’re a door mat and you’re teaching your kids to be one too. Your husband is a fucking wanker.

Rowen32 · 02/09/2022 22:53

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 22:01

I do really appreciate the responses. I suppose even if I get a strong reaction here, I’ll feel that I may have described it wrong or over dramatically so the reaction isn’t warranted. Most people outside of my parents would consider him very charming / gregarious and me a bit dry / miserable, I’m really not sure if I’ve gotten used to thinking of us through those lenses or whether there’s truth in it. For example, the music room, I know he’d say I don’t have creative passions so I can’t understand why he needs it. I might not agree, but it is true as well that I don’t have any real passions, so I second guess myself. I think that’s part of what makes exchanges like a seemingly really simple discussion about brunch feel so much worse for me - I feel like I’m always caught between looking out for my kids vs feeling like an overreacting misery

Show quote history

What do your parents say?? Can you lean on them for support through this?

Youaremysunshine14 · 02/09/2022 22:54

He sounds awful. What kind of selfish example is he setting to your sons - that people should be walked over and their feelings disregarded.

kateandme · 02/09/2022 22:54

Can you be called away somewhere tomorrow morning.all light and breezy like.don’t make him ”grumpy”(parent or friend need you,something come up with work?) and then “ but don’t let me spoil your fun go for the brunch with kids” see how he handles it.
regarding rooms. Could the age come when they don’t need a play room and one of the boys could have that for their bedroom.
mum relative had the downstairs spare lounge for her room.
allthough you SHOULDNT have to do this.
do you love him op?
you said nothing good about him in your posts or how you care for him and vice versa

MummyGummy · 02/09/2022 22:54

Jesus OP, take charge for once and get your kids away from this disgusting excuse for a father

Upwiththelark76 · 02/09/2022 22:55

He sounds like a selfish dick to be honest . He hasn’t transitioned into family life has he? How have you put up with his
behaviour thus far ?

Workinghardeveryday · 02/09/2022 22:56

Underanothersky · 02/09/2022 20:51

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

This, absolutely.

What parent would make their kids share a room so he could have a man cave. W t a f

jennakong · 02/09/2022 22:57

YANBU. My ex partner behaved like this. His idea of taking the children out for the afternoon was to take them to some muddy field in wintertime, while he flew radio controlled planes round it. Like, when they were about 2 and 3. Or spending hundreds of pounds on remote controlled cars and drones for 'their' birthdays. Or taking them metal detecting in the middle of nowhere. This is a man who puts himself front and centre, when most of us know that a large part of parenting is gritted teeth and boredom, sitting about parks and softplays, hanging round the shallow end of the swimming pool, hanging round beaches while they mess about in rockpools. Does he do any of those things?

Workinghardeveryday · 02/09/2022 22:58

And to add, would you dream of doing that? - I doubt it. And why? Because you are a good parent and care about your kids. You put your kids first. He is obviously not

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 22:58

He’s selfish. End of.

As you say it’s helped him in life as he gets whatever he wants.

I’m struggling to understand what you get out of this relationship and why you allow it to continue though.

When you met did you think he was out of your league?
Or does he earn a lot of money?
Or does he work FT and ‘allow’ you to be a SAHP?

There must be some reason why you are so passive and put up with this.

If my partner ordered the DCs spicy dishes for example Id ask why he would think that was acceptable and get him to order them other things.
The days out would also absolutely revolve around the DCs.

Does he ever ask what you want to do?

Ki44 · 02/09/2022 22:59

You know how it is though, you become the miser because you are forced into the role of having to think for the kids. You're the one being forced into having to constantly say no, push back, provide an alternative perspective because he is only thinking of himself. You can only stop being a miser, if he starts thinking of others. The two go hand in hand. You're shouldering all the burden.

And you're only a miser because you're not doing what he wants to do. Where's what you want to do in all this?

The bedroom scenario is ridiculous. If anything, at least he could have had the box room for his stupid music room.

Geppili · 02/09/2022 22:59

Manchild.

Pallisers · 02/09/2022 23:01

Like a pp said, this is NOT how men who love their wives and children behave. I've no doubt he seems charming and gregarious and lovely - because he doesn't actually have to do anything adult. just suit himself. We'd all be laid back and lovely if that was life with children. And telling you you don't understand because you aren't creative. He is so far up his own arse ...

For a start, tell him he is right, no need to worry about the restaurant so he can bring the boys to the vegan restaurant on his own while you do your own thing. And don't back down. If it is so easy to bring them to a vegan restaurant, then he can do it without you - it will be fun. a boys day out while you go off and write poetry/think about philosophy/think about your next creative impulse.

Then I strongly suggest you see someone about your own boundaries/counselling etc.

Your dh reminded me of the anectodal thing I heard years ago that aid workers in refugee camps prefer to give food for the family to the mother as everyone will get a fair share. if they gave it to the father, there was a risk that he would meet his own needs first and leave the kids hanging/hungry.

Nancydrawn · 02/09/2022 23:03

I'm sorry you've been drawn into the idea that his dilettantism makes him more interesting than you.

I suppose I wonder why a parent would let their child be hungry, eat very spicy food that they don't like, watch movies that cause nightmares, be squeezed into the box room, and miss out on childhood fun...merely because she's worried her husband will think she's a killjoy.

Stand up for your kids.

(You're not to blame. He is. But they can't advocate for themselves here: you have to do it.)

InWalksBarberalla · 02/09/2022 23:06

I've seen this dynamic with a friend and her husband. He was fun, charming, super popular but ultimately a selfish manchild. She found herself in the role of being the nagging misery guts to support the kids needs. Thankfully they are divorced now.

jennakong · 02/09/2022 23:07

Is he actually any good at making music? Is he talented, or does he make money from it? There might be some justification if it was a working studio and he was achieving something. Or is he just arsing about with three chords? I'm sure soundproofing a room wasn't cheap.

minipie · 02/09/2022 23:07

There must be some reason why you are so passive and put up with this.

Gaslighting (as the OP has already described) so that she doubts herself all the time.

And I will bet, walking on eggshells because of his reaction when he doesn’t get his own way - sulking, temper, retaliation of some sort. Does this sound familiar OP?

pastabest · 02/09/2022 23:08

I bet your parents have seen their lovely kind daughter become completed cowed by their son in law.

minipie · 02/09/2022 23:09

Just to be clear OP: being sensible about what your DC need and will manage does not make you a boring misery guts. It makes you a decent parent.

It’s easy to be fun if you’re never thinking about consequences or other people!

Unforgettablefire · 02/09/2022 23:10

Stand up for your kids or they'll hate you for it.

oakleaffy · 02/09/2022 23:10

Bet he is an only child, @AdamAntlers ??

bloodyunicorns · 02/09/2022 23:11

He sounds like an absolute selfish arsehole. He has a room for his hobbies and left the dc in a box room??????

What a selfish twat. What does he bring to your life? Does he even realise he has dc? My fanny would clamp shut at his selfishness and lack of regard to the Dc.

Horrible.

Yanbu.

DrBrennerFan · 02/09/2022 23:12

He sounds hell on earth I’ve not read the whole thread but I hope things have improved (off now to read thread).