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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a misery guts

174 replies

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 20:44

So, I think I might be U and a bit snappy. The backstory is that I feel that DH has form for putting the kids (6 and 4) and I behind his own wants every single time. It’s small things but they really add up. It’s a quality that’s served him well in life, and he’s been successful but I don’t think he can change it, even for his family. So for example, all our holidays, days out etc revolve around what he wants. He’ll book late evening flights/ cinema showing because they’re most convenient for him, then the kids will be tired and act up. If I leave him to order a takeaway by himself, he’ll think nothing of ordering 4 spicy dishes that the kids won’t eat. He’ll only want to go on family days out to ‘grown up’ theme parks which he enjoys but not a ‘childish’ day out. He decided he needs a music studio (hobby) so he’s sound proofed and taken one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares. So on and so forth.

So on to tonight’s argument. DH loves going out for leisurely brunches at the weekends. Before kids, and even when they were babies, this was not an issue. However, the kids get up at 6 and are absolutely starving if made to wait for breakfast till 10 when DH is up/ showered.
add to that, DS6 is a fussy eater. If I can feed him a proper breakfast at home, he eats really well but out at new brunch places it’s basically an 80% chance he won’t eat anything nutritious and then be a pain in the afternoon. Literally, at least fortnightly DH will pipe up on a Friday night ‘I know, let’s have a relaxed brunch out tomorrow’. Then I either have to go along with his plan which makes my Saturday harder or say no and be a ‘misery guts’. Today he suggested brunch at a new vegan place. I said it would be easier to do lunch instead. After dinner he started again about how excited he was for brunch at this new place. I got exasperated and said, ‘I assume you’ve checked the menu to see they have something for the kids?’

he’s just gone up to his studio in a huff that I’m a misery. Obviously I would also like to be fun and spontaneous but I feel like either I’m the one who has to think about practicalities or deal with the fallout from his plans. So bloody sick of it.

so go on, Aibu, let me have it. Am I a fun sucking, boring misery guts or does anyone understand my perspective?

OP posts:
Madeintowerhamlets · 02/09/2022 21:35

He sounds like a selfish tosser. He’s acting like he doesn’t even have kids! Even something like trying out a new brunch place illustrates how he puts his needs before the kids. Of course you could go & feed them something first but it doesn’t sound like it would be particularly enjoyable for them. It sounds like you are doing all the emotional labour, planning etc & he is just prioritising himself!

Wombat27A · 02/09/2022 21:35

My ex-boss was married to a guy like this. It got worse & worse, as the DC got older. I said she should ltb but she didn't, religion being important to her, not wanting to break up the family, etc. & it eventually ended up truly awful. MH issues for the DC, emotional blackmail, all sorts of batshit.

She's got ptsd & needed a fuckton of therapy but she's not really ever got back to how she was & she was lovely. Don't let this escalate any further.

Madeintowerhamlets · 02/09/2022 21:37

MangosteenSoda · 02/09/2022 21:35

I think the brunch thing is taking too much prominence here.

Yeah, it’s very possible that the OP can manage that with varying breakfasts for each kid + judicious choice of brunch/lunch item at the restaurant… BUT, surely the issue is that the OP is going to be the one doing all the managing (when she would prefer to not be doing that at all) while H gets up whenever, gets ready at his leisure and goes to the venue of his choice.

Yes this is exactly it!

Afterfire · 02/09/2022 21:39

He is a selfish arsehole. That’s all there is to it.

Verbena1 · 02/09/2022 21:39

You aren’t presenting him in a bad light, just the bare facts are bad enough.

lioncitygirl · 02/09/2022 21:39

Urgh - sorry he sounds like a child himself. And I
utterly selfish. Does he have any saving graces?!

samthebordercollie · 02/09/2022 21:41

Did he want to have children when you met him?

verdantverdure · 02/09/2022 21:41

You are not a miseryguts. He's not behaving like a father should. I'm shocked at his behaviour.

Original poster
AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 21:42

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 21:23

The box room is a shocker. But I don’t see why your kid can’t have something light to eat and then have brunch later. I don’t understand why your child’s food issues means no one can go out to a new place for brunch. I really don’t think this level of pandering is acceptable. Where it impacts your social plans. Throw them toast or cereal or whatever they eat and still go to brunch.

I’m a bit hesistant to even say anything now, it’s sometimes so difficult to see where I’m being silly and where he’s unreasonable. These aren’t the sorts of things I can discuss with friends without sounding really petty. So DH would absolutely say that I’m pandering to the kids, if I just draw a hard line then DS will eat what’s fed to him (this is the reasoning behind the spicy food as well). If I feed the kids beforehand then he’s usually grumpy when he comes down because he thinks I’m being passive aggressive or sabotaging his plans, as the kids won’t necessarily sit thorough a meal as nicely at 10 when they’ve eaten recently.

still trying to process the box room
reactions - I honestly hesitated adding that to my list of examples as I thought I’d be told I was spoilt for wanting both rooms/ the bigger room for small children. Yes, I’m worried about the kids having friends over more frequently soon. When we set it up this way, the boys were 1 and 3, and DH has always promised to find a more permanent solution for his studio (loft/ garden room etc) but it never seems to be the right time.

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 02/09/2022 21:43

Verbena1 · 02/09/2022 21:39

You aren’t presenting him in a bad light, just the bare facts are bad enough.

Totally agree
he’s a prick

Andromachehadabadday · 02/09/2022 21:46

Yes, I’m worried about the kids having friends over more frequently soon. When we set it up this way, the boys were 1 and 3, and DH has always promised to find a more permanent solution for his studio (loft/ garden room etc) but it never seems to be the right time.

Then you can easily say ‘you had years to sort this out and haven’t, so the bottles are getting their own rooms back’

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/09/2022 21:47

HipsterCoffeeShop · 02/09/2022 21:15

What a total self absorbed shithead your "D"H is.

His behaviour is actually quite concerning to me. To think so little of the well-being of his children - the box room, staying up late when it's convenient for him, buying takeaway they won't eat....

I feel really sad for your kids and for you actually. I wouldn't put up with this for one moment. Has he ground you down so much OP that you think this is normal?

This. This is not normal op, no matter how much he has normalised it over the years. Please think seriously about whether you want to continue to live like this? And expect your kids to live like this?

Chamomileteaplease · 02/09/2022 21:49

He sounds horrendous!! Really awful, and I am sure you know the competition for hideous men on MN. He is right up there.

What is wrong with him?

Original poster
AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 21:49

Googlecanthelpme · 02/09/2022 21:34

Yes my thoughts exactly

it doesn’t sound like a tendency to be a bit self centred and selfish, it sounds like he is 100% focused on his own wants and needs.

This must have been evident before children? Or is he quite considerate of you but doesn’t give a shit about the kids? Did he wants kids? Does he enjoy being a family man?

honestly it sounds like you’ve picked the wrong man here.

and don’t let him gaslight you and say it’s because you’re not fun and a misery guts and he’s doing nothing wrong. Being part of a family means sacrificing some of your own preferences for others. Do we as grown adults want to go to Peppa Pig world? No we fucking do not. But we do it because it’s glorious for our kids. Would I prefer a smart brunch over a 6am wake up and cheese on toast crumbs in my bed? Yes! But kids ain’t fussed on smashed avo on toast.

This is bigger than him just being selfish, he sounds very unpleasant to be honest.

Show quote history

I often think about this. I think we rubbed along quite well until the kids because I’m quite quiet/ easy going so I never really put my foot down or changed his plans as such before kids. he’s very fun, generous, etc but only if he’s getting what he wants first. So, he’ll happily put my needs over an acquaintance but not over his own, if that makes any sense? Same with the kids and honestly, before kids, it just didn’t bother me in the same way it does now. Even when DS1 was little, it was easy to fall in with his plans. I think now that the boys are older and can express opinions I just can’t understand when DH won’t put them first

OP posts:
drinkfeck · 02/09/2022 21:53

Seriously. It's quite terrifying a parent would happily give their children nightmares because they couldn't be bothered to find a film everyone could enjoy and just wanted something they themselves liked.

I know you don't want to add more to it because you're afraid of the reaction you'll get. Why? None of us know you or you dh and can give you an job rest unbiased opinion. This is the place to let it all out.

I hope the strong reaction here helps you see this is so far from normal.

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/09/2022 21:56

He sounds horrible.

Please stop enabling him to walk over all of you.

I think in your shoes I would be considering whether I wanted the relationship to continue.
(In other words, LTB).

BaileySharp · 02/09/2022 21:58

Yanbu he's being self centered and you're thinking about keeping kids happy. Why can't he think about keeping kids happy too?

MangosteenSoda · 02/09/2022 21:59

^^@drinkfeck

I’ll guess that he’s also not the one to get up in the night to deal with nightmares.

OP, was he all in for having kids? Or was that a compromise for him to marry you and now he’s taking it out on you all? You just sound a bit resigned/apologetic, like you deserve it. You don’t!

Butterflymosaic · 02/09/2022 22:01

No. But he’s a prick.

Original poster
AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 22:01

drinkfeck · 02/09/2022 21:53

Seriously. It's quite terrifying a parent would happily give their children nightmares because they couldn't be bothered to find a film everyone could enjoy and just wanted something they themselves liked.

I know you don't want to add more to it because you're afraid of the reaction you'll get. Why? None of us know you or you dh and can give you an job rest unbiased opinion. This is the place to let it all out.

I hope the strong reaction here helps you see this is so far from normal.

I do really appreciate the responses. I suppose even if I get a strong reaction here, I’ll feel that I may have described it wrong or over dramatically so the reaction isn’t warranted. Most people outside of my parents would consider him very charming / gregarious and me a bit dry / miserable, I’m really not sure if I’ve gotten used to thinking of us through those lenses or whether there’s truth in it. For example, the music room, I know he’d say I don’t have creative passions so I can’t understand why he needs it. I might not agree, but it is true as well that I don’t have any real passions, so I second guess myself. I think that’s part of what makes exchanges like a seemingly really simple discussion about brunch feel so much worse for me - I feel like I’m always caught between looking out for my kids vs feeling like an overreacting misery

OP posts:
buckeejit · 02/09/2022 22:01

He sounds like a knob. Take yourself out for the day & tell him to have fun with the children

Tiredmum100 · 02/09/2022 22:02

Underanothersky · 02/09/2022 20:51

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

This with bells on

Stompythedinosaur · 02/09/2022 22:05

This is not how men who love their partner and dc behave.

How can you bare living with such a selfish wanker? I think my fanny would have sealed shut forever when faced with such unattractive behaviour.

Aren't you angry that he is treating your dc like this?

Yummyplumthanksmum · 02/09/2022 22:05

Well he doesn't sound like a prince, but on the brunch thing alone I'd give the kids cereal when they wake up like normal and treat the brunch more like a lunch.

Farmmum77 · 02/09/2022 22:05

He really needs to stop and think whether he wants a wife and children and to be a dad or just wants an accommodating entourage… he seriously needs to grow up.