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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a misery guts

174 replies

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 20:44

So, I think I might be U and a bit snappy. The backstory is that I feel that DH has form for putting the kids (6 and 4) and I behind his own wants every single time. It’s small things but they really add up. It’s a quality that’s served him well in life, and he’s been successful but I don’t think he can change it, even for his family. So for example, all our holidays, days out etc revolve around what he wants. He’ll book late evening flights/ cinema showing because they’re most convenient for him, then the kids will be tired and act up. If I leave him to order a takeaway by himself, he’ll think nothing of ordering 4 spicy dishes that the kids won’t eat. He’ll only want to go on family days out to ‘grown up’ theme parks which he enjoys but not a ‘childish’ day out. He decided he needs a music studio (hobby) so he’s sound proofed and taken one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares. So on and so forth.

So on to tonight’s argument. DH loves going out for leisurely brunches at the weekends. Before kids, and even when they were babies, this was not an issue. However, the kids get up at 6 and are absolutely starving if made to wait for breakfast till 10 when DH is up/ showered.
add to that, DS6 is a fussy eater. If I can feed him a proper breakfast at home, he eats really well but out at new brunch places it’s basically an 80% chance he won’t eat anything nutritious and then be a pain in the afternoon. Literally, at least fortnightly DH will pipe up on a Friday night ‘I know, let’s have a relaxed brunch out tomorrow’. Then I either have to go along with his plan which makes my Saturday harder or say no and be a ‘misery guts’. Today he suggested brunch at a new vegan place. I said it would be easier to do lunch instead. After dinner he started again about how excited he was for brunch at this new place. I got exasperated and said, ‘I assume you’ve checked the menu to see they have something for the kids?’

he’s just gone up to his studio in a huff that I’m a misery. Obviously I would also like to be fun and spontaneous but I feel like either I’m the one who has to think about practicalities or deal with the fallout from his plans. So bloody sick of it.

so go on, Aibu, let me have it. Am I a fun sucking, boring misery guts or does anyone understand my perspective?

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 02/09/2022 22:07

It's going to be fun in your house,when the children are older and have an opinion.

He sounds like a spoilt child OP.

LimpBiskit · 02/09/2022 22:08

Sounds like a complete twat. I'd not tolerate that level of shit parenting of my kids. I think getting rid is the only option that will resolve this selfish behaviour.

drinkfeck · 02/09/2022 22:09

@AdamAntlers I do understand. I'm not trying to be goady.

It honestly feels like you've been brain washed/ groomed into believing this is all okay

I'm here because it resonated with me having dated a narcissist. He was charming as anything. And I'm really chilled. A total people pleaser. I thought he was a bit demanding but thought our personalities would work well.

What I gradually realised was no one was as important to him than him. He sidelined his own kids. His parents when they had cancer. It was always all about him. I lost a job when I was with him. It warranted one two-minute conversation. We spoke daily about his very important work.

I tried to tell myself it was all okay and I'm so laid back it'll even itself out. It wasn't. I still think about his kids and how fucked up they are.

You have to see how this is going to impact them. Every little incident where he shows he just doesn't give a fuck how his kids feel. They will remember.

RandomMess · 02/09/2022 22:11

His wants come before his kids NEEDS.

You aren't a misery you are trying to point out that your DC have needs that he should WANT to accommodate.

What do your parents think of him?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/09/2022 22:12

I reckon you're like me OP, boiled frog because you're a people pleaser - before kids your relationship was great because you both prioritised the same thing - his happiness. Once you had kids your focus shifted, naturally, to the kids' needs and wants - his has stayed squarely on himself. From his perspective, you are at fault because you used to be "fun" (read "compliant") and now you are "miserable and difficult" (read "not bending over backwards to make sure he always gets his own way). He hasn't changed but you have. And so you should. And so should be, but he won't.

So don't call yourself names or try to live up to how expectations. He isn't worried about yours. You do what's best for your kids and yourself. He isn't on your side, or theirs, he's on his.

Mollymalone123 · 02/09/2022 22:12

Honestly I’m sorry but you need to spell it out very clearly that the world doesn’t revolve around him.Seriously I couldn’t keep my mouth shut- or be with someone like this-it’s like you are all an afterthought

TooHotToTangoToo · 02/09/2022 22:12

I think the brunch is the best of a bad lot. The bedroom is horrendously selfish of him, horror film is him failing at basic parenting, the spicy food is simply him not taking anyone else into consideration except himself. He sounds awful

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 02/09/2022 22:16

@AdamAntlers this is awful. It’s emotional abuse. And you’re colluding with it. You need to put your kids first by leaving.

Gentleness · 02/09/2022 22:18

He is charismatic isn't he? Charming? Boyish enthusiasm?
Ugh. The unwarranted influence of charismatic men is really getting up my nose these days. The women who call them out are miseries, or shrill.

buckeejit · 02/09/2022 22:20

By the way OP, I think you could absolutely talk to your friends about this. It's far from petty.

I complain to my friends about dh not putting some water in the cup when he's finished his coffee, (I have my own tea mug, he just uses any), so ring stains end up in all the cups & it's crap when we have visitors that I have to hunt for clean cups! Among lots of other petit & less petit irritations that we share.

NotMyDayJob · 02/09/2022 22:20

The bedroom thing is bad OP. Bad. Why would it be spoilt of you to want your kids to have their own bedrooms? Why is it not spoilt of him to want to have a music room in a bigger room than the one the kids are expected to share? Your kids having their own rooms when you have enough is normal, it's the normal non selfish fucker thing to do.

I agree with a PP upthread. He sounds like a cunt and you really need to put your kids first.

Whatapalava67 · 02/09/2022 22:20

So many posters berating the OP for 'allowing' her DH to behave like a twat rather than berating her DH for being a twat. Come on. The misogyny on here is unbelievable. If women keep perpetuating this crap, there is no hope.

Thelnebriati · 02/09/2022 22:24

A grown adult is sulking because he is expected to include his own children at mealtimes, and he's the one calling his wife a misery guts.
No, its not OP's fault. Jeez.

Huntswomanonthemove · 02/09/2022 22:26

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/09/2022 20:50

There MUST have been signs of such selfishness before you decided to have children together, or even settle down together? Surely?

It didn’t take long……

Crunchymum · 02/09/2022 22:27

Most people outside of my parents would consider him very charming / gregarious

@AdamAntlers what do your parents think of him?

Oysterbabe · 02/09/2022 22:28

But do you object and call him out on it? Surely you aren't sitting by and letting him put on unsuitable films? Any reasonable person would say no and turn it off. Is he ordering food without asking what you want? With his form wouldn't you check what he was ordering for the children and tell him if it's not suitable?

Louisa4987 · 02/09/2022 22:28

I actually think he sounds quite abusive, and I felt sad for your children on what I've read on this thread. Please don't make them have to put up with anymore of thisSad

Sunnytwobridges · 02/09/2022 22:30

Doesn’t seem like he cares for family life too much. I’m amazed at so many DHs on this site that decide to have children but then check out of family life. I didn’t enjoy parenting at all but I still knew I had a responsibility to do what I needed to to raise my DC

Crunchymum · 02/09/2022 22:31

Whatapalava67 · 02/09/2022 22:20

So many posters berating the OP for 'allowing' her DH to behave like a twat rather than berating her DH for being a twat. Come on. The misogyny on here is unbelievable. If women keep perpetuating this crap, there is no hope.

I assume he's always been a selfish prick. So the behaviour has always been there. It's just been accepted and normalised.

The OP herself confirms she's let a lot if the behaviour slide as she is "easy going" etc...

No-one has to put up with someone else's shitty behaviour. It's not a feminist issue per se, just so happens that it's a man being shitty to a woman.

I'd have said exactly the same if the OP was a man and complaining about his selfish spouse.

flowerbombVR · 02/09/2022 22:31

You are unreasonable to put up with that. Your kids need you to stand up for them more. What an utter twat your 'd'h is....

Shamoo · 02/09/2022 22:37

Good grief, he sounds like an awful human being. Not surprised you are a bit miserable OP if you have to deal with a dickhead like this as the father of your kids. Suspect you would find that if you left him you would be a lot less miserable and probably find a few more hobbies and passions.

Imagine being a parent who picks a film for a family night that gives the kids nightmares. Or orders a meal when he knows the children won’t eat it. Or makes his two sons share a room so he can have his own hobby room. Honestly, he sounds like an utter cunt.

Tiswa · 02/09/2022 22:39

He is one of the most selfish people I have ever read about OP.

does he ever have to cope with anything not being the way he wants or does he just expect everyone else to adapt to his needs

its awful

rosiebl · 02/09/2022 22:40

OP you sound like you've been chipped away at by your self centred husband. You are being gaslighted. You need to leave him. I had a friend who went through this. It just gets worse and worse.

LicoricePizza · 02/09/2022 22:44

He’s gaslighting you - a lot. And you’ve started to realise.

Difficult when you’re a nice person who’s easy going & happy to accommodate/facilitate others & go with the flow.
Esp if they’re more dominant & vocal about their needs/passions/wants & you’re quite content without such things aka his “passions”.

You’re going to need to learn to asset your needs, voice them & stick to them.

He won’t like it. And will gaslight & accuse you of all sorts of things so it won’t be pleasant.

He needs to see you as an equal partner & not someone he can walk over.

Otherwise he’ll carry on. But I don’t know if he’s capable of seeing AN OTHER person in a relationship because he sounds so incredibly self centered.

airforsharon · 02/09/2022 22:48

The forcing children to eat spicy food when they don't like it troubles me. Yes, there's an argument for gentle encouragement with food, but why force the issue when you're going out to eat - if you're paying for a meal & it's supposed to be a treat surely everyone should get THEIR choice, not what Mr Billy Big Bollocks decrees. No fun for the kids to be regularly presented with food they can't manage. In 50 years of life i've never got the taste for spicy food, though love mild/sweet/creamy dhals etc

He has no concern for their - or your - comfort, happiness or individuality. He's a bully, OP.