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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a misery guts

174 replies

AdamAntlers · 02/09/2022 20:44

So, I think I might be U and a bit snappy. The backstory is that I feel that DH has form for putting the kids (6 and 4) and I behind his own wants every single time. It’s small things but they really add up. It’s a quality that’s served him well in life, and he’s been successful but I don’t think he can change it, even for his family. So for example, all our holidays, days out etc revolve around what he wants. He’ll book late evening flights/ cinema showing because they’re most convenient for him, then the kids will be tired and act up. If I leave him to order a takeaway by himself, he’ll think nothing of ordering 4 spicy dishes that the kids won’t eat. He’ll only want to go on family days out to ‘grown up’ theme parks which he enjoys but not a ‘childish’ day out. He decided he needs a music studio (hobby) so he’s sound proofed and taken one of the bedrooms in the house, leaving the kids to share the box room. If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares. So on and so forth.

So on to tonight’s argument. DH loves going out for leisurely brunches at the weekends. Before kids, and even when they were babies, this was not an issue. However, the kids get up at 6 and are absolutely starving if made to wait for breakfast till 10 when DH is up/ showered.
add to that, DS6 is a fussy eater. If I can feed him a proper breakfast at home, he eats really well but out at new brunch places it’s basically an 80% chance he won’t eat anything nutritious and then be a pain in the afternoon. Literally, at least fortnightly DH will pipe up on a Friday night ‘I know, let’s have a relaxed brunch out tomorrow’. Then I either have to go along with his plan which makes my Saturday harder or say no and be a ‘misery guts’. Today he suggested brunch at a new vegan place. I said it would be easier to do lunch instead. After dinner he started again about how excited he was for brunch at this new place. I got exasperated and said, ‘I assume you’ve checked the menu to see they have something for the kids?’

he’s just gone up to his studio in a huff that I’m a misery. Obviously I would also like to be fun and spontaneous but I feel like either I’m the one who has to think about practicalities or deal with the fallout from his plans. So bloody sick of it.

so go on, Aibu, let me have it. Am I a fun sucking, boring misery guts or does anyone understand my perspective?

OP posts:
bluefrog11 · 02/09/2022 23:13

He sounds like a selfish cunt who shouldn’t have bothered having any kids if he wants to live his life like that. Get him told OP. I thought my DH was bad for being selfish but he’s practically “Dad of The Year” compared to this guy!

allinatizzy · 02/09/2022 23:16

He truly does sound like a selfish, immature person, OP.

I'm "passionate" about my hobbies, but I wouldn't force two children into a tiny room so I could have the larger room for my own use. That's not normal! If he wants a hobby room, he needs to take the smaller room at the very least. If the larger room still isn't big enough for the two children to share comfortably, he needs to work out something else for his hobby.

abblie · 02/09/2022 23:17

He's a selfish b***d let him go for brunch and you and kids go somewhere you all like

TeaThings · 02/09/2022 23:18

Agree with @MaybeIWillFuckOffThen. I'm easy going and a people pleaser, didn't see how selfish ex-H was until we had DC. Then I realised he'd always been that way, it hadn't mattered so much when it was just us two.

He's forcing you into the misery guts role imo. If your DH can't put the DC first and you end up doing it, then of course you're going to look less fun than him.

if he was taking equal responsibility and made sure your early rising child had breakfast when they woke up (hours before 10am!), then of course you could be the fun one suggesting going out for cake/treat or whatever later.

SRS29 · 02/09/2022 23:21

Underanothersky · 02/09/2022 20:51

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

This 😂

Pollyputthekettleonha · 02/09/2022 23:24

He's a twat. A hobby room and they share a box room? Why do you put up with this?

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 02/09/2022 23:25

This can't be real.

No one is such a doormat surely?

CookieCoo · 02/09/2022 23:27

He’s a selfish twat. Leave him whilst your children are young.

They’ll never forgive you tolerating this shitbag and his self-indulgent ways at their expense!!

Butterdishtea · 02/09/2022 23:29

I do believe you're real but I'm incredulous.

antelopevalley · 02/09/2022 23:31

@AdamAntlers I know you are concerned that you are only getting the reaction you are because of how you have described him. But everyone hearing these bare facts you are sharing can see he is not a good father.

You said your DS is fussy but will eat the spicy curry if you draw a hardline. But a takeaway is supposed to be fun. It is about buying things that everyone likes. I can eat liver if I had to, but I would not order it for a takeaway as I do not like it. That is not pandering. The whole point of a takeaway is getting something nice you really like.

You know what he is doing is not right. But you are doubting it because he is charming and fun and you are quiet and sensible. But being charming and fun does not make you a good parent. Being a good parent involves putting your children's needs first.

Being charming and fun person is great if you are socialising down the pub or having a fun night out. But there are plenty of people who are fun and who would be horrendous parents.

You are a good mum. You recognise what your children need and are happy to put their needs before what you want. You are the good parent.

What you need to think about is how you stop your children having a bad childhood because your partner is a bad parent. And he clearly is.

CookieCoo · 02/09/2022 23:31

His inability to demonstrate empathy or even experience joy through his children’s delight at something is concerning!!!

Leave leave leave. Horrid man!!!

puddleduckle · 02/09/2022 23:32

There is absolutely no way I would let my DH take one of the bedrooms for a hobby to leave my two kids to share a box room. Missing the point of your post I’m sure but I actually couldn’t believe I’d read that right at first. Not to sound harsh but have a word with yourself, why are you allowing this behaviour? If he wants to lead a childless existence he shouldn’t have committed to having children. He sounds like one himself tbh.

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 23:34

If I let him choose a film for family movie night, he’ll choose one that’s too scary and then the kids have nightmares.

This is disgusting. Genuinely cruel.

Why on earth do you passively watch this man do something so unfair to your children, that literally gives them nightmares?

I can't get my head around it.

Poor kids.

OhWelllWhatever · 02/09/2022 23:35

He's a selfish cunt and you're enabling him. I cant think of any reason why you would want to spend your life with such an enormous shit of a man.

Your husband is worse than useless. His behaviour is outright damaging and could saddle your kids with issues they will have to work through all their life.

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 23:36

For example, the music room, I know he’d say I don’t have creative passions so I can’t understand why he needs it.

Tell him he is incapable of putting his children first, so he can't understand why other parents want to.

How can you bear to be with this man?

I could cry that the kids are being made to watch things that give them nightmares.

antelopevalley · 02/09/2022 23:36

OP you could start talking to your friends or parents about this? They really are not petty issues.

colouringindoors · 02/09/2022 23:41

What a total utter selfish bastard.
Seriously, get rid.

antelopevalley · 02/09/2022 23:43

"For example, the music room, I know he’d say I don’t have creative passions so I can’t understand why he needs it."

He does not need it, he wants it. You need to try and start seeing what he is demanding as wants.
Lots of people love music and manage to fit it around what their kids also want. As you said he could have built somewhere in the attic or garden to do this.

Your children also have wants. Whose wants should be the most important? Most parents put most of their child wants first. He is putting all of his wants first.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 02/09/2022 23:44

It doesn't sound like your "d" h wanted to have children and he is trying to live like he doesn't.
Did you not discuss this before ttc?

ScruffMuffin · 02/09/2022 23:45

I haven't read the whole thing, butl... does he even realise he has kids?!

Whatever our style and interests, we all have to adapt when children come along. We have a really eclectic taste in music and films, enjoy going to concerts, festivals and the cinema... but when you have little ones, you spend years playing kiddie CDs in the car and going to see Shrek or Ice Age at the cinema. We used to go camping in the Scottish Highlands, but now go to Cornwall for a week, or have a shorter break in a cheap hotel in London. Because, kids! It's not always what you want to do, but most people just get on with it and make the best of it because they're doing it for the children! Your H sounds completely and utterly selfish and I don't think most of these are small things. On occasion, mine has got things wrong with takeaways/ restaurants, but he has quickly learned that it's crap having tired, hungry and cranky kids in tow and he has planned better once the lesson has been learnt.

Your children really need you to stand up for them, and start saying no to the inappropriate day trips, films, restaurants, etc.

Pixiedust1234 · 02/09/2022 23:47

Hes not a father. He never will be.

Hes not a life partner. He never will be.

You are a "miseryguts" because his selfish choices have made you so (disclaimer, you are not)

He wants a studio? There are fancy sheds for that. Horror or horrors people actually do their work in them. They are called garden offices.

Now you know he is neither a father or husband, what do you think your options are? Do you work?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2022 23:48

He sounds awful. Your boys are still babies really and making them watching scary films is sickening. I imagine you’d be a lot more joyful without him around.

LilacPoppy · 02/09/2022 23:52

@Changemaname1 or else I’d rarely end up doing anything that I had got much of a say in that's just called being a parent.

takealettermsjones · 02/09/2022 23:54

You are being utterly unreasonable for allowing him to mistreat your children this way.

ScruffMuffin · 03/09/2022 00:01

I posted a few minutes back...

I didn't mean to make it sound like having simpler holidays and watching kids' movies was completely joyless. It's lovely seeing little ones experience things for the first time, and as a mum you are happy when your children are happy, aren't you? (I ended up really liking a lot of the films and TV programmes, but have to confess that sitting through the Top Cat movie in the cinema was properly shit. DH left halfway through to go to the supermarket and came to pick us up at the end. I actually found myself envying him!!) That's the difference between reasonable parents and your H. Most parents are just happy if the rest of the family is happy.

I have two children of the same sex and they happily shared a room for years... they had the middle sized one of three, and the smallest was a home office. When they were around 11 and 9, we discussed swapping so they had the largest bedroom, or converting the smallest one so they could have their own. They preferred the idea of having their own. so that's what we did. We kept the big bedroom, so made space for a desk, laptop etc up there.

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