Page 9 | DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

BabyBear101 · 2022-09-02T18:39:52+00:00

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it. Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out. A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again. I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour. AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OldFan · 02/09/2022 21:50

I'm going to have another word next week

@BabyBear101 You already did this twice though. What're you going to do differently this time?

ValerieDoonican · 02/09/2022 21:53

(nb most people grow put of this neediness around their first birthday)

Bestcatmum · 02/09/2022 21:56

Anyone doing this to me would be dumped, especially for adding sharp on the end.
Does he expect you to have food on the table when he gets home or does he think you are messing with other men?
Don't have kids with him, the controlling will ramp up to boiling point.

UndertheCedartree · 02/09/2022 21:56

So you can't do anything after work?Can't go shopping or coffee with a friend? You have to account for every minute of you time? Sounds suffocating and he sounds extremely controlling. I couldn't stand it personally.

daisychain01 · 02/09/2022 22:00

Has he been behaving like this to you for all 12 years of your relationship OP? Have you put up with it all that time?

WhenDovesFly · 02/09/2022 22:00

You're a much more tolerant person than me OP. The texting would be irritating enough but the following you round the house when het home, constantly talking AT you would do my head in.

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 22:01

@WillPowerLite It wasn't an ignorant reference. I was trying to explain why I asked the question I did. As an autistic woman with 3 autistic children an autistic parent and 2 autistic siblings, it is where I get a lot of my knowledge on human behaviour. I am not suggesting he is autistic, I am explaining that it MIGHT explain his behaviour. Saying he is a controlling abusive man without any more information is more ignorant in my opinion.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 02/09/2022 22:02

He started doing that once you were promoted? That's textbook.

Texting you and making lots of questions when you go out: the plan is to grind you down to the point that you give up doing things because "it's not worth the hassle".

And you had controlling parents, and married a controlling twat. All textbook.

We already know what will be the next chapters of this story, if you don't leave him. They are all the same.

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 22:04

It sounds to me like he's lonely. Trying to find him a hobby might help.

Kateandherbush · 02/09/2022 22:04

Maybe he’s wanking / having online affairs and wants to check you don’t walk in on him..

ChunkyMonkeyIsBack · 02/09/2022 22:06

He talks at me constantly when I come home
he was constantly hovering around during my calls, chatting constantly and asking can I take an hour off to go for a walk? He was bored and didn't understand I needed to work.
When I get home its yap yap yap and he will follow me around the house chatting at me about anything and everything.
I've tried to encourage a hobby.

Over the years I’ve read MN posts that like the above.....it’s usually mother’s talking about their children!

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 22:07

GlassofWaterAgai · 02/09/2022 21:30

Is he perhaps on the spectrum? Is it because he needs to have a routine? Have you ever asked him why it's so important to him?

My God, if I were autistic, I’d absolutely detest my neurodiversity constantly being trotted out as a possible explanation for bog-standard arsehole / controlling behaviours.

I don’t understand why this is OK.

WiddlinDiddlin · 02/09/2022 22:09

Were there truly NO signs of this sort of behaviour before this started a year ago (you say a year but first lockdown was over 2 years ago!)

Was he like this when you went out without him in an evening or on days you were both off work?

I think the 'they're getting more work out of you than they're paying you for' is an excuse tbh, I don't think thats the real issue here.

Have you told him how this makes you feel, as opposed to just telling him not to do it?

GG1986 · 02/09/2022 22:12

Doesn't matter about his job! This is controlling behaviour and he clearly doesn't trust you. Massive red flag!

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 22:13

I say oh I have a big meeting today between 9 and 2 for example he will still text constantly throughout the day. Will text when I'm on training courses. Sometimes just the same message "hi gorgeous" every hour if I don't reply. He doesn't stop me going out but it's 1001 questions where am I going who's going what time are you home and texts throughout. He doesn't and can't physically stop me from doing anything.

OP, this is controlling. It’s not just ‘needy’. Just because he isn’t physically preventing you from doing things, there is still a huge element of control here because he literally will not leave you alone. He’s forcing you to give him constant attention. He can’t even let you go to work or attend a meeting without constantly trying to get into your head and reminding you that he’s monitoring you. He is trying to make every minute of your life about him.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 22:14

God that would give me the ick. Billy no mates all reliant. I work from home. But travel internationally for about a week a month and go into the London office Periodically, a few days a month. Often I will go shopping or meet up with friends or colleagues on the way back, he sees me when he sees me. He often even picks me up if I ask and he has finished work. I can turn up at 6pm and I can front up at 1am/

id bin him off, I’d not be able to Cope with someone so needy. I’m not needy so couldn’t cope with someone who is. Don’t know how you do it.

AgnestaVipers · 02/09/2022 22:23

This is totally unreasonable. What possible difference can it make whether you arrive home at 4.20, 30, 40? Is he incredibly insecure and cannot stand being alone, or is he just trying to control you?

I'm sorry, I find this utterly bizarre.

iRun2eatCake · 02/09/2022 22:25

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:41

Thank you for your post. I do think it is loneliness. When I get home its yap yap yap and he will follow me around the house chatting at me about anything and everything. I've tried to encourage a hobby.

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It sounds absolutely draining

StClare101 · 02/09/2022 22:26

Honestly OP he sounds pathetic. I would have lost imo temper and left him a long time ago.

At a minimum you need to tell him you are turning your phone off during the day and you’ll be home when you are damn well ready but I’d have to go.

I would have the major ick from this behaviour I just wouldn’t fancy him anymore.

WillPowerLite · 02/09/2022 22:27

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 22:07

My God, if I were autistic, I’d absolutely detest my neurodiversity constantly being trotted out as a possible explanation for bog-standard arsehole / controlling behaviours.

I don’t understand why this is OK.

Show quote history

It's not okay.

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 22:28

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 22:01

@WillPowerLite It wasn't an ignorant reference. I was trying to explain why I asked the question I did. As an autistic woman with 3 autistic children an autistic parent and 2 autistic siblings, it is where I get a lot of my knowledge on human behaviour. I am not suggesting he is autistic, I am explaining that it MIGHT explain his behaviour. Saying he is a controlling abusive man without any more information is more ignorant in my opinion.

But even if he was autistic, the behaviour the OP describes would still be controlling. The reason for the behaviour doesn’t change its impact on the OP and she doesn’t and shouldn’t have to tolerate it. So what if he needs routine? He doesn’t have a right to impose that need on his partner.

People can also be autistic and abusive. They’re not mutually exclusive. The behaviour that the OP is describing isn’t an acceptable way to behave in a marriage, full stop.

LicoricePizza · 02/09/2022 22:30

Who does the cooking - is he wanting to know when to have a meal ready (though early to eat at 4.30pm) but…?
Or does he want to make sure you’ll be home to cook for him?
What if you just want to go shopping /the gym/coffee with a friend/other?
He sounds suffocating. You’ll have to tell him. He’s clinging to you & it’s verging on controlling. He needs another outlet.

WillPowerLite · 02/09/2022 22:33

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 22:01

@WillPowerLite It wasn't an ignorant reference. I was trying to explain why I asked the question I did. As an autistic woman with 3 autistic children an autistic parent and 2 autistic siblings, it is where I get a lot of my knowledge on human behaviour. I am not suggesting he is autistic, I am explaining that it MIGHT explain his behaviour. Saying he is a controlling abusive man without any more information is more ignorant in my opinion.

It is highly offensive to call autism/spectrum on poor behaviour, and as the parent of autustic children, I'd expect you to know that. Nothing about that the dp's reported behaviour suggests autism.

ADHDkillingme · 02/09/2022 22:39

I can’t believe I am posting this because I’m certain I’ll have my arse handed to me.

I’m very guilty of texting my DH to ask when he will be home or if he will be late/early. He is in a job where it varies from day to day. I think it partly might stem back to having two very difficult babies not too far apart and basically needing to know the end was in sight and I would have some help with them soon. I also have ADHD and so maybe some of it comes from not being good at waiting and just needing to know what is going on and what to expect. I also look forward to the evening time and I feel it can’t really begin without him being there when I’m still in waiting mode until he is home.

If he replied saying he was going to be late I would be disappointed if I am honest.

I would not have put this down as controlling behaviour and was quite shocked to read the responses but it’s made me take a look at myself to try and work out my reasons for doing it. For me I do feel as if it’s more about just needing to know what the situation is rather than trying to change it though whereas with your DH it probably is more about you doing what he wants you to do.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 22:42

ADHDkillingme · 02/09/2022 22:39

I can’t believe I am posting this because I’m certain I’ll have my arse handed to me.

I’m very guilty of texting my DH to ask when he will be home or if he will be late/early. He is in a job where it varies from day to day. I think it partly might stem back to having two very difficult babies not too far apart and basically needing to know the end was in sight and I would have some help with them soon. I also have ADHD and so maybe some of it comes from not being good at waiting and just needing to know what is going on and what to expect. I also look forward to the evening time and I feel it can’t really begin without him being there when I’m still in waiting mode until he is home.

If he replied saying he was going to be late I would be disappointed if I am honest.

I would not have put this down as controlling behaviour and was quite shocked to read the responses but it’s made me take a look at myself to try and work out my reasons for doing it. For me I do feel as if it’s more about just needing to know what the situation is rather than trying to change it though whereas with your DH it probably is more about you doing what he wants you to do.

Maybe her husband thinks the same thing when he is texting her?