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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

418 replies

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:39

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:32

GlassofWaterAgai · 02/09/2022 21:30

Is he perhaps on the spectrum? Is it because he needs to have a routine? Have you ever asked him why it's so important to him?

When I asked him he said "you're paid until 4. You should leave at 4".

OP posts:
JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:32

No idea why a double post. sorry.

JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:33

When I asked him he said "you're paid until 4. You should leave at 4"

He's either very dim or taking the piss.

Woolandwonder · 02/09/2022 21:34

Really odd. I wfh, DP finishes at 4, he usually gets home around 4.30 but I would never query what time he was getting home and he would only let me know if he was going to be significantly late back as going to the pub after work or something. What difference does he make to him if you are home at 4.15, 4.30 or 4..45?

Cherchezlaspice · 02/09/2022 21:34

JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:32

No idea why a double post. sorry.

But you don’t want to leave at 4. Why does his desire for you to leave at 4 trump your desire not to?

Smineusername · 02/09/2022 21:34

This reply has been deleted

This post has been removed as we felt it wasn't in the spirit given the topic being discussed.

lioncitygirl · 02/09/2022 21:35

Sorry but he sounds mega controlling - what he like in other ways? I could not live with someone like this sorry - it would feel suffocating having to answer to him what time you have to be home - you’re not 12!

Choconut · 02/09/2022 21:36

When he asks juts reply 'no' every time.

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 21:36

@Octomore I wanted to establish the reasoning behind it before I mentioned the A word. Plenty of autistic people get distressed when they do not know what is going on. It is not a woman's place to fix that and working with a properly trained counsellor would help, but it is also not an abusive control issue.

WillPowerLite · 02/09/2022 21:37

The ignorant references to autism are seriously offensive.

OP stated that the behaviour started a year ago when she was promoted.

CoffeeLover90 · 02/09/2022 21:37

Sorry if this has already been asked but any chance he could be on drugs? Change has happened suddenly, he's talkative (including messages) seems paranoid, asking what time you're home is it possibly because he wants to know how long he has alone? The constant hovering and chatting when you're WFH is weird.

elm26 · 02/09/2022 21:37

Yeah he'd be losing his rag with me. I finish at half 5, 45 min drive from home and I stay for a good half hour chatting and finishing anything I need to before the next day. I would block him every time he asks.

MsBullseye · 02/09/2022 21:37

nip it in the bud

Looks like it'll take another 12 years

🙄

Elm98 · 02/09/2022 21:38

I think I will definitely be in the minority here but I don’t think this warrants leaving a 12 year relationship.

I wonder if he is both insecure/bored and wants you home “sharp” because he wants company.

Not the same thing but when I struggled on maternity leave with loneliness 10 minutes felt like hours and I would message my partner to see if there was any way he could get an early finish or if he thought he would be out on time as I was desperate for company.

I don’t think your partner is going about it in the right way/tone and he definitely needs talking to about how the job now has more responsibilities and that training courses and being later in from work are the norm and he can’t question that.

But also maybe he needs to talk, check in and make sure everything is ok for him on an emotional level, does he have many friends? Does he go out much? Has anything changed in his life in the past year apart from your career?

you are no being unreasonable to feel like this as it would drive me mad but I also think it probably stems from something deeper.

AmsyT · 02/09/2022 21:39

I had a boyfriend that did this to me when I was in my 20s. Lost all of my friendships and put a wedge between my family and I. I regret staying with him for so long.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 02/09/2022 21:40

I'd leave my phone at home on the kitchen worktop. He can text you as much as he likes and it will buzz away on the worktop in the kitchen.

He sounds slightly intimidated by your work.

SoftSheen · 02/09/2022 21:40

I would make a habit of always doing something after work, so that you rarely ever get home at exactly 4.15 (except when you actually need to, for some reason). Go to the shop, go swimming, for a walk, meet a friend for a cup of tea. Maybe sometimes suggest that DP meets you somewhere to do something.

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:41

Elm98 · 02/09/2022 21:38

I think I will definitely be in the minority here but I don’t think this warrants leaving a 12 year relationship.

I wonder if he is both insecure/bored and wants you home “sharp” because he wants company.

Not the same thing but when I struggled on maternity leave with loneliness 10 minutes felt like hours and I would message my partner to see if there was any way he could get an early finish or if he thought he would be out on time as I was desperate for company.

I don’t think your partner is going about it in the right way/tone and he definitely needs talking to about how the job now has more responsibilities and that training courses and being later in from work are the norm and he can’t question that.

But also maybe he needs to talk, check in and make sure everything is ok for him on an emotional level, does he have many friends? Does he go out much? Has anything changed in his life in the past year apart from your career?

you are no being unreasonable to feel like this as it would drive me mad but I also think it probably stems from something deeper.

Thank you for your post. I do think it is loneliness. When I get home its yap yap yap and he will follow me around the house chatting at me about anything and everything. I've tried to encourage a hobby.

OP posts:
OverCCCs · 02/09/2022 21:41

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:07

He hasn't been like this for 12yrs!
It's only been the past year.

I promise I’m not posting this to be dramatic, but since this is relatively new behaviour, is there any chance he’s having an affair? Or doing something else nefarious while you’re out of the house and is paranoid about it being gone before you’re home?

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 21:42

YANBU and I would not be communicating with him throughout the day at all.

My job finishes at a set time but I can be home earlier or later depending on the day.

Unless you’re going to be much later than normal then you’ll be home when you’re home.

Most couples who don’t have children go out with friends, to the gym, shopping etc after work.

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:44

OverCCCs · 02/09/2022 21:41

I promise I’m not posting this to be dramatic, but since this is relatively new behaviour, is there any chance he’s having an affair? Or doing something else nefarious while you’re out of the house and is paranoid about it being gone before you’re home?

Show quote history

I did wonder this too. Because I live quite close to work I have popped home on the rare occasion when I've forgotten something and although he has been shocked and all "what are you doing here???" he still wanted to chat and delay me going back to work! So I don't think he'd be trying to keep me around if he had other plans.

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 21:45

I couldn't bear this. It would drive me absolutely nuts and I'd lose respect for him. He sounds like a really shit employee as well if he wouldn't even stay behind for a couple of minutes.

Dragonskin · 02/09/2022 21:46

Well I certainly wouldn't LTB about it, but would give him a flea in his ear about boundaries and the fact he is ignoring you having repeatedly explained that your job is not like his and you can't always 'down tools' dead in 4pm

Then I would be tempted to mute him during working hours (at least until he gets the message and gives you some breathing space around your working hours)

Elm98 · 02/09/2022 21:48

I would encourage a social hobby to see if that improves at all. On his level I can understand that because again when I was at my loneliest I would yap, yap and further yap to my partner as he was the only person I had spoken to all day.
once I started getting out the house and meeting people it improved my mood, I wasn’t bugging him all day for a bit of interaction and I think we both felt a lot better. It took me time to realise it was an unhealthy coping mechanism and I didn’t even realise I was doing it to start with.

some people think very black and white with working, my job very scarcely requires me to stop late and all of my team actually are at the clock at a minute to finishing time (company policy not to clock late unless there is very good reason)
they all say “I’m only getting paid until this time so I am not working a minute longer”
some people do just think like that.

ValerieDoonican · 02/09/2022 21:50

In his mind, you are there to be responsible for his emotional comfort. That's not good.

Your work is his rival and he's jealous.