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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

418 replies

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:39

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OP posts:
CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 21:16

Meh.

Everyone is in the relationship they want to be in.

If they didn’t want to be in it, they wouldn’t be.

The OP clearly wants to be in this relationship, with this sub-standard specimen, so we should just leave her to it, and be thankful it’s not any of us.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/09/2022 21:17

Sounds like he just needs a hobby then OP, maybe he can take up cycling :P

JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:17

My job got more "responsibility" 2 years ago. That's when the overtime/extra work increased a bit.

So he's jealous. He wants you home on time, to prove to him that you are not climbing the work ladder, and leaving him behind.

Does he do some kind of low skilled manual work? Security guard? Factory work?

Octomore · 02/09/2022 21:17

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:14

My job got more "responsibility" 2 years ago. That's when the overtime/extra work increased a bit.

Show quote history

Did you start outearning him?

QuebecBagnet · 02/09/2022 21:17

Does he allow you out the house, unsupervised at other times or is it just for work?

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:18

Lougle · 02/09/2022 21:11

Do you think that Covid has anything to do with it? Were either of you furloughed and home more?

Show quote history

When covid started, I worked from home but had to go back after 3 weeks as he was constantly hovering around during my calls, chatting constantly and asking can I take an hour off to go for a walk? He was bored and didn't understand I needed to work.

OP posts:
WillPowerLite · 02/09/2022 21:19

This is rich vein, this thread.

OP, were you actually wondering if YABU? If so, you have been ground down almost to a fine powder by his creepy, controlling behaviour.

Or were you asking to gauge opinions on exactly how bad this is? (Very bad.)

Looking for the motivation to leave him?

Ideas on how to leave him?

The excuse put forward by you and another poster - that he 'can't understand' you have a different work culture/work hours - is clear bullshit. You have explained numerous times how things run at your place of employment. It is a very common work culture. He understands that just fine, because he's not a recently-arrived time traveller from an an ancient hunter-gatherer culture, unfamiliar with modern office work. I think he can grasp that your work has different rules than his work.

Which leaves us with... he's a controlling twat.

No better thing to do with your Friday night than consider an exit strategy.

JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:19

Why on earth are you with a needy, abusive, boring man?

FGS 12 years?

You can do far better than him.

Not married, no kids.

Why are you still there? Has he any good points?

KyaClark · 02/09/2022 21:20

I didn't mean it horribly.

I meant are you going to talk to him again, or ignore it, or leave him.

I should have worded it less bluntly. Apologies.

Cavagirl · 02/09/2022 21:21

My dad was similar with my mum.

Constantly criticising her employer, anything extra, any training, additional work, "why does it have to be you", absolutely no acceptance if her work impinged on domestic "duties" such as cooking his dinner, etc. Her work was essentially treated as something he indulged, like a hobby.

Basically, he didn't really want her having a career and was totally unsupportive when she insisted, which looking back must have taken more effort than I ever realised as a teenager watching this all play out.

I don't know how old you are OP but I'm guessing you're starting to spread your wings, and he doesn't like it.

I'm afraid that I doubt it will get any better.

Herejustforthisone · 02/09/2022 21:23

It actually sounds like there’s something wrong with him. Or he’s actually a toddler trapped in a man’s body. Search his wallet for a ticket from Zoltar.

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:24

Yes he let's me leave the house unsupervised. I'm not under lock and key!

I am the "breadwinner" and he has already admitted he's intimidated by my job. I was promoted to manager recently which is when the "home sharp" messages also ramped up.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:24

Thank you all. Your messages are appreciated and very helpful.

OP posts:
NickyChavan · 02/09/2022 21:25

I think people may have a slightly different view if you had explained he works nights. So he wants to see you before going to work, right? Is he messaging you early in the day before he goes to bed to know what time he is getting up, as in if you are later he will get up later. Not sure what time he leaves for work but i wonder if his obsession is knowing you are home safe before he leaves. I still think it is a bit clingy but i wonder if this could explain why.

Cherchezlaspice · 02/09/2022 21:26

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:18

When covid started, I worked from home but had to go back after 3 weeks as he was constantly hovering around during my calls, chatting constantly and asking can I take an hour off to go for a walk? He was bored and didn't understand I needed to work.

Show quote history

I’m not getting why you didn’t tell him.

  • I need to work, please stop asking me to leave and go for a walk.
  • Do not hover around me during calls.
  • I will continue to leave work as and when I choose, stop asking me.

Is there a reason you haven’t just said all of this to him? Or have you said it and been ignored? I’m not understanding this at all.

Pumpkintopf · 02/09/2022 21:26

He sounds insecure, needy and controlling and this behaviour including the repeated 'hello gorgeous' texts during a day when you've said you're on a training course etc, would really piss me off.

TheSpottedZebra · 02/09/2022 21:27

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:18

When covid started, I worked from home but had to go back after 3 weeks as he was constantly hovering around during my calls, chatting constantly and asking can I take an hour off to go for a walk? He was bored and didn't understand I needed to work.

Show quote history

Of course he understands. He just doesnt want you to do too well / go too far / give anything else your attention / get too independent...

BMW6 · 02/09/2022 21:27

Christ almighty not only controlling but tedious and attention seeking.

How can you bear it?

exLtEveDallas · 02/09/2022 21:28

I’d just reply “No” every time, and then ignore any other texts.

or something ridiculous like “Cottonbuds” until he eventually gives up asking.

GlassofWaterAgai · 02/09/2022 21:30

Is he perhaps on the spectrum? Is it because he needs to have a routine? Have you ever asked him why it's so important to him?

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/09/2022 21:31

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:47

We don't have children so no reason for me to be home bang on 4.15pm.

Because his job is leave bang on x time, he doesn't understand why I don't.

He sounds like he has cognitive processing issues... he can't understand? What else can't he understand? That you're a autonomous functioning human being?

PrettyPrim · 02/09/2022 21:31

I'm pretty sure you must already know you're not being unreasonable to be pissed off about this.

Smineusername · 02/09/2022 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:31

Do you have any master plan for dealing with this?

Your job is really a symptom of what he's up against in his own mind.

If it's not the job, it will be something else in time.

And I'd be shocked if there was not a history to this which either you have accepted as normal, or don't want to reveal here, for fear of getting a hard time.

Some men can cope with an imbalance of earning power and are happy to take a back seat.

YOurs can't.

He either needs to start doing some training and getting a better job, or see a therapist and get his head sorted out, or you need to get out of this relationship.

It doesn't bode well and I dread to think he he'd cope with kids?

How old are you both and are kids part of your life plan?

JaneBrowning · 02/09/2022 21:32

Do you have any master plan for dealing with this?

Your job is really a symptom of what he's up against in his own mind.

If it's not the job, it will be something else in time.

And I'd be shocked if there was not a history to this which either you have accepted as normal, or don't want to reveal here, for fear of getting a hard time.

Some men can cope with an imbalance of earning power and are happy to take a back seat.

YOurs can't.

He either needs to start doing some training and getting a better job, or see a therapist and get his head sorted out, or you need to get out of this relationship.

It doesn't bode well and I dread to think he he'd cope with kids?

How old are you both and are kids part of your life plan?